Sex drive doesn’t match DH

[LoopySpouse]

I’ll preface this with a note that I am very happy with DH and he does respect me. I don’t feel pressured into anything and DH is a true gent.

But

I feel guilty that he has a much higher sex drive than I do, plus my work hours leave me absolutely shattered at the end of the day. So sex is not as often as he (well, we - I suppose) would like.

While I know DH loves me unconditionally and loves our time when we do actually do the deed - I know he’s more adventurous than I am and sometimes feel like I should try new things for him, but he never pushes me to go out of my comfort zone.

We have a good relationship, and previously he’s talked about anal, toys, bringing someone else in (M or F). These things don’t appeal to me, I told him so and he’s not mentioned them again.

I think DH has a mentality of wanting to experience anything at least once, and I think it’s a great attitude to have - it just isn’t one I share.

I will say, there are no complaints about the sex (when we have it) from my end, DH always looks after me in that sense.

Please say this is normal and guys just love sex more than women; otherwise I might worry I’m not enough for him or there’s something wrong with me!

It can be a mix of drives for both sides, but at the same time other factors can limit the time, ect to try out the activities, a friend I know, has the ideas and the drive, but with her its, when she gets the time and availability to try the ideas out.

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]**@Momijin* @DirectionToPerfection* Sorry if I wasn't clear. When we have sex, my wife wants me to focus on her for 10 minutes, which is enough for her to "finish", and then she wants me to be done ASAP too. I would prefer longer and slower, but I feel like I need to fit in with her otherwise we'll have even less. I am also more affectionate than her.[/quote]
@MoonbeamsGlittering
I’m sorry, but this sounds awful

then she wants me to be done ASAP too.

I think I’d rather be single than live that, don’t sound like your wife enjoys sex at all.

@DirectionToPerfection no, it's not life or death, but to me, within the context of a happy, fulfilling relationship, it is a need. A must. Barring things like health issues, etc. In the same way, good communication and emotional intimacy are needs within a relationship. To me, anyway, a relationship needs those things.

And I should clarify. I don't mind so much that DH isn't into things like anal or threesomes (or toys, or sex anywhere but the bedroom, or role play, or ANYTHING outside the norm). I would not really care about that if we were having good, regular sex- but we aren't having that, either, so overall it's tough.

There isn't a one size fits all here.
Some women on this thread seem to think a man wanting sex more than once every few months is disrespectful, and they feel they only exist to please men. Or, that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship.
That very well may be the view of some women/men, however it doesn't mean everyone thinks that way! And it doesn't make wanting more sex, having a higher sex drive, and having different fantasies wrong.
Men don't necessarily have a higher sex drive than women.
I have a high sex drive, I am "adventurous". I'd try most things once. Once every 6-8 weeks wouldn't be enough for me, and I wouldn't be happy in a relationship with infrequent sex. I need sex In a relationship, and that's perfectly acceptable. It's also perfectly acceptable for your DH to want more sex, and have fantasies. It's equally acceptable that you do not share that view.
No one is in the wrong here. I wouldn't expect my partner to have sex often to please me, but I also wouldn't stay in a relationship that was sexless. It's either a deal breaker for you, or it isn't, it's not selfish, and neither is wrong.

@Grumpasaurus

Oh it's absolutely fair that it's a deal-breaker in a relationship context. Very few people would be happy in a sexless relationship. But some try to conflate it with basic human needs for survival, which it's not.

Was your DH always like this? If so, then maybe you just aren't compatible.

@lynntheyresexpeople

There isn't a one size fits all here. Some women on this thread seem to think a man wanting sex more than once every few months is disrespectful, and they feel they only exist to please men. Or, that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. That very well may be the view of some women/men, however it doesn't mean everyone thinks that way! And it doesn't make wanting more sex, having a higher sex drive, and having different fantasies wrong. Men don't necessarily have a higher sex drive than women. I have a high sex drive, I am "adventurous". I'd try most things once. Once every 6-8 weeks wouldn't be enough for me, and I wouldn't be happy in a relationship with infrequent sex. I need sex In a relationship, and that's perfectly acceptable. It's also perfectly acceptable for your DH to want more sex, and have fantasies. It's equally acceptable that you do not share that view. No one is in the wrong here. I wouldn't expect my partner to have sex often to please me, but I also wouldn't stay in a relationship that was sexless. It's either a deal breaker for you, or it isn't, it's not selfish, and neither is wrong.

This ^^ is the point I was trying to make, this poster has summed it up much better than I could.

@DirectionToPerfection

Ah yes, we are agreed! I don't mean it's essential to survival. Just happiness in a relationship.

DH has never really had a huge sex drive, but we were better matched at the beginning. Looking back the signs were there but I didn't see them- young and in love, you know. He has gained a lot of weight since we met, which impacts his self esteem and fitness, which impacts his sex drive. Overall I just don't think he is a very sexual person- which might suit someone, but it doesn't suit me. Equally maybe he would be more sexual with someone else? I doubt it, but maybe!?

It's very hard. I am so unhappy. It makes me resentful and impacts my own self esteem. Yet I would feel very guilty to break up what is otherwise a stable environment for my son, especially because DH is truly an amazing father. He is sooo hands on, often times more so than me, and so committed to DS. Just not to sex!

@TarasCrazyTiara

'Put out' and 'give it up'

🤢

@FabulousMrFifty
What a ridiculous statement to make , just imagine what would happen if you reversed this and a man said it to a woman, this site would melt with the cries of LTB.

Reverse does happen and often, even on this thread.
Women are always told to go and help to rise their sex drives, or to ”just put out”.

CrazyTara or whoever even said woman is a bitch for not having sex.

Get out with your ”reversed” garbage.

@DirectionToPerfection

They have a one year old, unless she has had serious complications from birth (which she hasn’t mentioned) a whole year should be more than enough time to recover ones sex drive.
You can’t seriously expect a youngish man in a marriage which is supposedly happy to be satisfied with sex once every 8 weeks do you? Have you ever met men? Are you married?

And still very much female, haven’t changed sex yet last time I looked, but who knows what the future holds?

@RainLol
My reverse was in relation to a comment by RauntyAunty up thread, my apologies, I should have tagged RauntyAunty in my post, her full text is below, about going to the GP for something to lower sex drive

Why aren't posters suggesting the men go to their GP to see about their high sex drive to get some help in lowering it instead of all these extra hoops women can jump though so she can feel like having sex again?

Men, go to your GP. Get something to lower your drive.

They clearly don't have enough to do in life if they have so much time and energy to worry about their dicks so much.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I mean put out and give it up in a fun way. Like if she can’t get in the mood to please herself during sex then perhaps she can think of herself as someone capable of pleasing him and desirable to him?🤷🏼‍♀️
Who knows, maybe that could even help get her motor running a little more?

@TarasCrazyTiara

I'm in a very happy relationship, thanks for the concern. 🙄

It's not just about the birth, it's about everything else that goes with raising young children. Breastfeeding can kill libido, so can being exhausted from trying to work a full time job and parent very young children.

Every 6-8 weeks is infrequent, yes, but it's a very full on time in OP's life. These things ebb and flow and will probably pick up once the pressure reduces a bit.

As usual you have no empathy for the woman in the situation, it's all about the man's wants.

I mean put out and give it up in a fun way.

Was calling a woman a bitch for not 'putting out' also meant in a fun way?

Sex is a need in the same way that a usable mobile phone is a need.

Yes you can survive without it, but it will be unpleasant, an uphill struggle and not worth it.

If your current mobile phone provider isnt giving you service for 90% of the time, wouldnt you switch?

I do read threads like this and wonder if I'm weird. I'm only attracted to people I'm close to. My partner doing more chores don't affect my feelings of intimacy but him listening to me bang on about the books I'm reading or taking an interest in my hobbies does. The things that make me me.

Being the lower libido is hard (as I'm sure being the HL partner is too), it feels like you carry much more on your shoulders than just whether you have sex or not. It's quite a responsibility and I do find that sometimes I have to make decisions from a rational not an emotion/hormone driven place. My partner trusts that I am reaching out for him sexually when I can, with his needs in mind. We average 1 a week which I know he would like more of but when we do it and I'm not into it we both suffer but we suffer together.

@DirectionToPerfection

First off my comments are left out of empathy for OP. But how is simply saying sorry you don’t want to have sex much and may not while your child is young (and they may have another) going to help her relationship? It’s not.
The point is that expecting a man to accept sex every 8 weeks in a young couple is asking something way outside the norm - at least the norm for happy couples who don’t divorce. She can’t change what is an entirely reasonable expectation of sex somewhat frequently from him, so the only thing she can try to change is her own behaviour and try to work on her own feelings and attitude.
I don’t think even OP thinks that sex once every 8 weeks is fair to her DH. That’s why she’s posted.

What is you advice since you have a problem with mine? Tell him to get over it and accept sex once every 8 weeks while the children are young? Babies? Toddlers? Primary? For how long?

And I never said anything bad about OP, I gave my advice intended to help her thank you and I don’t appreciate my sincerity being doubted. There was another woman from another comment who expected her partner to please her then finish up and that was sex done, (and he did more childcare and housework than her) that is who I called a bitch. And yeah she’s a bitch alright.

I'm sorry as I've skim read the thread, but a few months ago I read that through surveys they've found out that the actual average of couples having sex is once a week. Therefore it does feel like you're on the infrequent side.

We do schedule in sex and DH knows not to pester me after 11pm as that's my sleeping time. Often it's not particularly lengthy and I'm wondering if that's part of the issue that each sexual encounter has to be some grand performance.

Having said that though DH and I are pretty regular 2-4 times per week, but my vagina would shrivel right up if he started droning on about anal and threesomes, so it feels like it's not just frequency that is the issue.

@MrsBison

Sex is a need in the same way that a usable mobile phone is a need.

Yes you can survive without it, but it will be unpleasant, an uphill struggle and not worth it.

If your current mobile phone provider isnt giving you service for 90% of the time, wouldnt you switch?

@MrsBison I think you need a factory reset

@MaryStuart

So how often do you think is acceptable?

Quite clearly there is no absolute frequency that is going to be acceptable for everyone.
For obvious reasons, that shouldn’t need spelling out.
Which is why I took umbrage upthread at your weird views:

“Once a week is healthy, once every 2-3 weeks is okay, once every 4-5 weeks is a bit low, 6 weeks+ is very low.
Tbf, he might be eyeing other women now”

Stick to that luv, you’ll be fine.
If not, it’s your fault his eyes wander. Woman do your duty.
😞🤦🏼‍♀️🤮

@MaryStuart
I think you need a factory reset

🤣🤣🤣🤣

@MaryStuart

Quite clearly there is no absolute frequency that is going to be acceptable for everyone. For obvious reasons, that shouldn’t need spelling out. Which is why I took umbrage upthread at your weird views:

“Once a week is healthy, once every 2-3 weeks is okay, once every 4-5 weeks is a bit low, 6 weeks+ is very low.
Tbf, he might be eyeing other women now”

Stick to that luv, you’ll be fine.
If not, it’s your fault his eyes wander. Woman do your duty.
😞🤦🏼‍♀️🤮

It goes both ways. He also has duties to perform.

@MaryStuart

Agreed there is no fixed number. But roughly, we can make educated guess as to what's acceptable for most people/the norm.

@MaryStuart

Judging by your reaction, in guessing you have a low frequency, which is why youre slightly defensive?