Sex drive doesn’t match DH

[LoopySpouse]

I’ll preface this with a note that I am very happy with DH and he does respect me. I don’t feel pressured into anything and DH is a true gent.

But

I feel guilty that he has a much higher sex drive than I do, plus my work hours leave me absolutely shattered at the end of the day. So sex is not as often as he (well, we - I suppose) would like.

While I know DH loves me unconditionally and loves our time when we do actually do the deed - I know he’s more adventurous than I am and sometimes feel like I should try new things for him, but he never pushes me to go out of my comfort zone.

We have a good relationship, and previously he’s talked about anal, toys, bringing someone else in (M or F). These things don’t appeal to me, I told him so and he’s not mentioned them again.

I think DH has a mentality of wanting to experience anything at least once, and I think it’s a great attitude to have - it just isn’t one I share.

I will say, there are no complaints about the sex (when we have it) from my end, DH always looks after me in that sense.

Please say this is normal and guys just love sex more than women; otherwise I might worry I’m not enough for him or there’s something wrong with me!

No one has any ‘duties’ to perform.
That’s the bloody point.

Once a day, once a week, once a month, once a year, once a decade. The most important thing is the enthusiastic participation of my partner. So no one feels they’re ‘putting out’ or are doing a ‘duty’ shag.
Fuck that.

@MaryStuart

Not everyone is into that new agey crap.
Maybe once a year with both partners both getting the exact same enjoyment and making a big magical event out of sex works for you, but good luck finding a man who will be happy with that. Actually good luck finding many (youngish like OP) women who will be happy with that.
That is no way to have a happy marriage.

Are you married? And if so how does your attitude work in practice?

New agey crap! 🤣🤣
Well yes, I think it’s abundantly clear we have very different views Tiara
I don’t believe in ‘putting out’ or ‘giving it up’ or calling women ‘bitches’
I do believe in enthusiastic consent. Look it up. You might learn something.
If that makes me new agey, I’m more than happy with that moniker. Better that than being stuck in the dark ages.

@MaryStuart I totally agree that my wife has no duty to me and I certainly would not want her to do a "duty shag". I want sex to be great for her. Her sex drive is lower than mine, and that's not "wrong" at all - I just feel really sad that this part of my life is not how I hoped. That's my issue, not hers.

But: if I decide one day that I can't take it any more and I leave, will she want to know why I left? Should I tell her why? Then might she say "oh, if only I'd known, we could have had more sex if I'd just put more priority on having energy and time for it, I do really like it when we have it, I just didn't realise how unhappy you were"?

Please start your own thread Moonlights because I think you need it
Because you say it is your issue and then somehow make it hers

Truthfully no I don’t think she will say that because sex to make someone else happy chips away at a person

I personally would want my husband to talk to me about it before leaving/having an affair due to how lack of sex was affecting him.

Of course no one should feel obliged, but tbh I might up my game a bit if I knew he was about to leave over it (unless I wasn’t bothered in which case that would be fine, but I’d like to know).
I’d hope he’d approach it in a ‘I know you cant help how you feel but this is how I’m feeling’ kind of way and make it a shared issue.

@TarasCrazyTiara
There are none so blind as those who will not see

Stay in the dark ages, babe. It suits you. 👋🏻

@Quartz2208 I have had my own thread before. It descended into an argument between posters. History is repeating itself!

@User2638483 Thank you - this is what I was trying to say. (I would never ever have an affair though.) But, if your husband said that to you, in the most sensitive way possible, and then you did "up your game" and he stayed, would it feel like he was using you, or indirectly pressuring you, or making you feel like you had to keep stepping up forever or else he'd be gone? I wouldn't want to be making my wife feel any of those things.

@TarasCrazyTiara That's really not what enthusiastic consent means. I want more sex with my wife, but I really like the feeling that she is really enjoying it, so it wouldn't work for me if she just agreed to lie there for my sake when she wasn't really into it. Apart from sounding creepy, it would just feel really awkward for me.

Also, no offence but I do want to clarify: my wife isn't a bitch. She wants what she wants, and that's OK. She doesn't have to reciprocate every time I do something. I'm sad that she doesn't want to, but that doesn't make her wrong.

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@DirectionToPerfection

First off my comments are left out of empathy for OP. But how is simply saying sorry you don’t want to have sex much and may not while your child is young (and they may have another) going to help her relationship? It’s not.
The point is that expecting a man to accept sex every 8 weeks in a young couple is asking something way outside the norm - at least the norm for happy couples who don’t divorce. She can’t change what is an entirely reasonable expectation of sex somewhat frequently from him, so the only thing she can try to change is her own behaviour and try to work on her own feelings and attitude.
I don’t think even OP thinks that sex once every 8 weeks is fair to her DH. That’s why she’s posted.

What is you advice since you have a problem with mine? Tell him to get over it and accept sex once every 8 weeks while the children are young? Babies? Toddlers? Primary? For how long?

And I never said anything bad about OP, I gave my advice intended to help her thank you and I don’t appreciate my sincerity being doubted. There was another woman from another comment who expected her partner to please her then finish up and that was sex done, (and he did more childcare and housework than her) that is who I called a bitch. And yeah she’s a bitch alright.[/quote]
In a stable, loving relationship the frequency of sex ebbs and flows based on life circumstances.

I really don't think it's unusual for sex to decrease when there are very young children in the house and mum is exhausted. Especially when she's working full time. Just have a read of the many threads that have gone before this one. Any man who can't understand that is a bit of a knob TBH.

My fiance and I have had a tough few years with health issues, bereavements, work stresses, etc, and there have been times when that has impacted our sex life. Neither one of us ever thought "this is shit, better find someone else" because we love each other and had empathy for what the other was going through. We're back to normal now but I imagine it will ebb and flow again, because that's life.

You have a very low opinion of men if you think they'll all ditch a woman they love because of a temporary dip in the frequency of sex.

If your daughter told you she was exhausted and stressed but felt pressured by her husband to have sex when she didn't want it, what would you advise her?

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@Quartz2208 I have had my own thread before. It descended into an argument between posters. History is repeating itself!

@User2638483 Thank you - this is what I was trying to say. (I would never ever have an affair though.) But, if your husband said that to you, in the most sensitive way possible, and then you did "up your game" and he stayed, would it feel like he was using you, or indirectly pressuring you, or making you feel like you had to keep stepping up forever or else he'd be gone? I wouldn't want to be making my wife feel any of those things.[/quote]
Yes but I think it being here detracts from the OP who I think needs a doctors appointment..

Secondly yes that is the risk with it - I would say you need to address your wives tiredness by an appointment and address that side of it and see what happens

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@TarasCrazyTiara That's really not what enthusiastic consent means. I want more sex with my wife, but I really like the feeling that she is really enjoying it, so it wouldn't work for me if she just agreed to lie there for my sake when she wasn't really into it. Apart from sounding creepy, it would just feel really awkward for me.

Also, no offence but I do want to clarify: my wife isn't a bitch. She wants what she wants, and that's OK. She doesn't have to reciprocate every time I do something. I'm sad that she doesn't want to, but that doesn't make her wrong.[/quote]
Ignore that poster, s/he makes many vile misogynistic comments across various threads. Impossible to engage with seriously.

In your case, I think you do need to have a conversation with your wife. Tell her you feel you current sex life isn't great for either of you, and you don't want her to feel pressured, but you'd like her to be honest about how she feels. Is this just where her sex drive is, or can you try to improve things together?

@Quartz2208 I stayed off this thread for several hours today, but I'm not sure whether OP is coming back. If OP wants me to leave the thread then of course I will.

@DirectionToPerfection Thank you. We have talked and she said she's tired a lot, whereas I'm not, so I'm taking on as much child/house work as possible to see if that helps. She talks as if she would like to have more sex in future, but it's been difficult for a while and I don't know whether things really will improve. I'll keep trying for now. I'd like to keep talking about it too but she doesn't like talking as much as I do either!

@Grumpasaurus

It sounds awful but I am jealous

I have a high sex drive (I also like anal, the occasional third party, etc) and my DH doesn't.

It's fucking awful. I hate it. We are basically in a sexless marriage and I have a difficult choice to make, with a five year old to consider.

I long for a partner who wants to actually have good, adventurous, fulfilling sex!

How do you find the time/arrange the time for occasional third party with children?

Genuinely curious! Not being narky.

@MoonbeamsGlittering I’m finding it quite hard to answer your question. I guess all our situations are a bit different, in my case we never talk about anything so I find it hard to imagine.
I think I would ‘up my game’ as in try and get in the mood and try and enjoy it.
I made a decision a while back that it was ok to say ‘not tonight’ sometimes because doing it for his sake when I really didn’t want to was getting soul destroying for me.
So I decided that I would try and want it more, but wouldn’t make myself do it through fear of the sulking, and if that wasn’t enough for him he could sod off and either talk to me about it or leave.

So as you can probably pick up, there are a few other issues at play in my situation and a few other things going on.

Also in my case I have a pretty healthy sex drive in terms of ‘self care’ just don’t always enjoy it very much with dh I’m sad to say. Partly because my enjoyment is not high up on his agenda.

talk to her about addressing the tiredness - that is a concern actually that she is feeling that tired and could (as with the OP) be easily fixed due to some deficiency in vitamins/hormones.

Fixing that could fix this. Or it may not but you will know where you stand. And please dont mention sex when you address this because you should be concerned about tiredness

@User2638483 that sounds very sad and as if the problem is much deeper and unfixable

It’s not great, I know.

But we’re averaging 2-3 times a week and it’s ok. I’m trying my best to be a slightly more ‘selfish’ lover too.

But it shouldnt just be ok User2638483 and you shouldnt have to try to be more selfish.

@User2638483 Really sorry to hear that things are difficult in some ways. It sounds like you already are trying to satisfy him because you were worried that it wasn't enough. It sounds tough if he wants it a lot but doesn't prioritise your enjoyment.

I get confused with my wife because she tells me that sex with me is really great for her, but then she doesn't want to do it that often. That's one of the things that gives me hope that things might get better, because I know she does really enjoy it, if only she can have the time and energy for it.

@Quartz2208 Yes, I've mentioned the tiredness. She's convinced that there's no medical issue. She thinks it's normal that most parents are frequently tired and/or ill. She thinks I'm unusual in not being tired all the time. (This is partly why I took on a lot more kid/house stuff.)

I think generally speaking ,men want more sex than their wives! Not always obv . Speaking about threesomes and Anal Sex would be a turnoff for me Im afraid .With 2 young DC and a FT job then you will be tired out .If DH takes his share thats good .However not if he sees it as "helping" If you could manage a WE away from DC then that may help you relax and enjoy sex.

I have never been more glad to be a lesbian more in my entire life than I am right now...
Especially if "BarmyCrown" and their view of dutiful deeds is anything to go by.

Life and sex life ebbs and flows, people are tired/raising small time stealers/doing other things/honing their MasterChef skills. It happens and it's FINE. This madhattery that there's a secret timeline that folks should stick to "because that's the norms" is completely ludicrous and giving women another stick to beat themselves with. We have enough. Stop it already.

OP - you don't need a doctor's appointment in my opinion. You're raising a family, working full-time and everything in between. On top of that, add on the kicker of navigating a global pandemic. Give yourself some slack and don't beat yourself with that big stick they're passing about. Also, not being interested in acting out the outlandish "normal" that porn portrays these days is absolutely fine too. Finally, don't buy into the rubbish that you're being peddled here that "a husband is within his rights to look elsewhere if you won't put out". YUCK. No, keep that toxic internalised misogyny thanks. If there's something that is a deal-breaker in a relationship, you talk about it like adults. If it's not something that can be resolved (by both parties shouldering responsibility), then that brings about next steps. None of that means you should be having sex that you don't want or feel you "should".

For the record, OH and I average about the same frequency as you. We have great sex that we both really enjoy when we have it, but there's a lot else going on in our lives! We're very affectionate, pull our weights at home, work full-time stressful jobs, have hobbies and don't even have kids yet. (Our hormone levels are actually fine too, thanks...)

@EstrellaPequena

What has being a lesbian got to do with it?

Surely there are a lot of lesbians out there that need sex more than every 6 to 8 weeks?

...because of what I posted below it?

Sure there will be, everyone is different.

I shared a different perspective and that I average the same timeline as the OP with the intention of balance and to hopefully help her feel like she's not "defective" because she doesn't want sex once a week or more.