Sex drive doesn’t match DH

[LoopySpouse]

I’ll preface this with a note that I am very happy with DH and he does respect me. I don’t feel pressured into anything and DH is a true gent.

But

I feel guilty that he has a much higher sex drive than I do, plus my work hours leave me absolutely shattered at the end of the day. So sex is not as often as he (well, we - I suppose) would like.

While I know DH loves me unconditionally and loves our time when we do actually do the deed - I know he’s more adventurous than I am and sometimes feel like I should try new things for him, but he never pushes me to go out of my comfort zone.

We have a good relationship, and previously he’s talked about anal, toys, bringing someone else in (M or F). These things don’t appeal to me, I told him so and he’s not mentioned them again.

I think DH has a mentality of wanting to experience anything at least once, and I think it’s a great attitude to have - it just isn’t one I share.

I will say, there are no complaints about the sex (when we have it) from my end, DH always looks after me in that sense.

Please say this is normal and guys just love sex more than women; otherwise I might worry I’m not enough for him or there’s something wrong with me!

@Quartz2208 I agree that the lack of time to talk is a big issue. Yes, we just seem in very different places in terms of things like energy. I am fine on 6 hours of sleep. I can do work and kids virtually all day and still don't feel tired at the end. She wants 9 hours of sleep and still seems tired a lot of the time. She said she was checked by a GP who said she had no medical issues. That might have been a few years ago though. She's not interested in getting checked again right now (partly with Covid around.) Yes, I think her job is a factor here, and that's one thing that I can't cover for her. We probably talk about relationship stuff about once per month. I would like to do more but she is often too tired or busy. Hopefully she'll agree to another talk soon.

@MoonbeamsGlittering sex aside how are things romantically between you, are you both taking time out to maintain the relationship away from the kids & work?

@MoonbeamsGlittering

I’m telling you, you need to tell her straight that your not getting it enough. She won’t talk to you, won’t sleep with you - that’s not a good sign.
You need to be direct and try to shake her out of her funk or bring things to a head one way or another.

Right now your wife has grown comfortable treating you disrespectfully and that’s only going to make her even more of a desert.

@BornInAThunderstorm It has been a struggle to get enough time together doing other things too, partly because she has been so busy and tired, and partly because Covid gets in the way of some things.

@TarasCrazyTiara I want her to desire more sex with me, not just to do it because I make some kind of demand or ultimatum. I think tiredness is reducing her sex drive, so I'm trying to reduce her tiredness. Do you really think that demands and ultimatums will make her suddenly desire me more? I'm not a pushover - I'm a partner trying to support my partner while she's struggling. I thought that being supportive would be more attractive than being an entitled macho man.

@MoonbeamsGlittering many posters have said here that sex for women starts well before the bedroom. For me you doing more of the work in the house wouldn’t really make a difference to my sex drive, since I would consider it as much your responsibility as my own.

I also agree with other posters that if I knew my partner was concerned about the amount of sex we were having and was pointedly doing more around the house, I might connect the two and feel more pressure by it.

I may be wrong here but it sounds like what may be lacking is the personal connection that could have been there before increased work pressures and the family responsibilities. Is there anyway you could arrange some childcare so you can spend some time together as a couple, reconnecting on a romantic level?

@BornInAThunderstorm Yes, I think it would be a good idea to do more things as a couple. I have said that I would like to. She's been so busy with work that she hasn't seemed to have much time for that, but I'm hoping that this might change in the new year.

@MoonbeamsGlittering

do you really think demands will make her desire me more?

Yeah, they might - it’s more desirable than doing housework that’s for sure.

@TarasCrazyTiara I think you are projecting your own beliefs and opinions onto this because frankly everything he has said about his wife really does show that your approach will cause an already slightly disconnected woman to check out completely

@MoonbeamsGlittering I think sadly sex is the least of your issues. She sounds checked out and unwilling to face up to it. 9 Hours and still tired is definitely something that needs checking out medically

But I think your first action is to start communicating more - how can you expect sex if you never talk or spend time with each other

@Quartz2208 Yes, agree on the communication. I just need her to agree to a time to talk. More likely if she's not exhausted and overwhelmed, so I still think my trying to take more of the load may help to get to this point. But yes, talking more is high on my list.

You taking more of the load isnt going to solve anything - 9 hours sleep and still tired has an underlying cause. She needs to seek help on this.

She wants 9 hours but she doesn't always get it (our 2-year-old sometimes wakes up at night; I go and get our kid back to sleep, but the noise can still break up my wife's sleep even if she stays in bed.) I can't make her seek help - I can mention it again but ultimately it's her choice. I think I can help her to be less tired by doing more with the kids, and that's about the only practical difference that I can make at the moment.

@TarasCrazyTiara I went 8 years without in my 30s and nothing bad happened. Still had a pretty good time.

@me4real

Were you married at the time?

@MrsBison

Lol @ the number of prude/frigid people on this thread.

FFS @MrsBison that’s the kind of shit that was trotted out at school 20 odd years ago by some spotty hormonal boy when you wouldn’t “put out” behind the bike sheds. You’d have thought we’d moved on from that kind of derogatory language. Especially towards other women.

@MaryStuart

I meant this more for people who are married. Not for boyfriend/girlfriend scenarios.

(I saved myself for marriage, and now have a very active sex life, with 2 commuted person)

*1 commited person!

*This is what makes me want to have intimacy in a relationship.

1. having fun together. Being genuinely interested in each other. Talking for hours. Laughing together. Doing stuff together. Being interesting, intelligent. Debating stuff.
2. being with another grown adult. Being a partner, a team. And tbh I have rarely found that with men. Nothing more unattractive than having to mother a grown man. I want to be with another adult who sees something needs doing and does it.
3. being good in bed. Men understanding the power of the slow build up and the teasing.
4. affection doesn't have to lead to sex.* This list from @Momijin is perfect. I have moved partner up to 1 as it’s a dealbreaker for me, I always have fun wiht dh when we are relaxing but I won’t grow old with him unless we are a team. It’s a good reminder to me to ask him for sex free affection as we go into a hiatus, I’m rapidly getting too pregnant for sex and it can take me months after giving birth to start again.