Parenting my husband

[Kindtomyself]

Hi. I’m in a really challenging marriage and have come to the realisation that I have taken on the role of mother and my husband has taken on the role of child in our marriage. I am exhausted, unhappy and need to take some action to resolve it.

An example (there’s usually 5 or more situations per day). ‘d’h says he’ll go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Firstly he goes 1 hour before I need the car to go somewhere so is tight for time, secondly I am expected to write the list, ok I write the list, plan the meals for the week which I write at the top of the list and off he goes (not taking carrier bags again so has to buy more despite us having approximately 40 carrier bags shoved in a drawer because he forgets to take them and then buys more and just shoves them in the drawer when he returns). He does the shop. Me: did you get everything? ‘D’h yes…..
Next day comes and I can’t find the melon. Me: where’s the melon? ‘D’h: they didn’t have any. Me: but you said you got everything. ‘D’h: I didn’t get melon . Me: but you got everything else? ‘D’h: yes. Ok, I think and wander back to the kitchen. I then notice there’s no strawberries….and the same conversation ensues. This literally happens four times.

Does anyone have any experience and/or advice on this? I’m at my wits end

Is there any way he meaningfully contributes to the upkeep of your household?

He will make tea sometimes, he does the weekly food shop often.
We both work full time- me more hours but I take on the mental and emotional load plus 90% of practical stuff

I’m sorry you are at your wits end. My advice is to leave him. Because he will never change and you will end up despising him.

Yes he could change if he wanted to. He could be on here asking for tips on how to grow up. He could be using apps and writing things down and setting up routines for himself.

No doubt you will get lots of posts telling you how you should be working harder to fix him and giving you lots of suggestions how to do that.

But he doesn't want to change - this current set up suits him. The less he does, the more you do.

He’s lazy and selfish - that’s who he is.

Sorry I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear.

He takes our DS to football 3 times per week (I did this for years but passed it over to H)

Does he hold down a responsible job? If so, this is strategic incompetence, designed to get you to take on the bulk of the work and mental load. Have you asked him how he manages to be so thick when an average 12 year old could perform this work competently?

I deal with all the bills. I manage the joint account

@SarahBellam ha! When I bring it up he thinks I’m unreasonable and a nag.

How is he at work?

Yes a fairly responsible job, we have very similar level jobs and same salary

@dreamingbohemian ok at work I think, people like him. He’s clever as in knowledgeable about subjects- music, films, books, arts, culture, politics

Do you have dc?

I would make him think of a couple of meals that he will cook and tell him to write the ingredients on the list. Then if he doesn't get what he needs to cook it's on him.

He works with clever people

Who mothers him at work?

Thanks @Capferret he’d be able to make a couple of meals no problem. He does that now. It’s everything else. We have two DC - 11 and 14 but I feel like I have three children with the husband too

Tell him that he's not doing a good enough job on the shopping and exactly what he needs to do to make it a good enough job.

Ask him what he suggests you both do about this. Maybe switch to online shopping and he puts it away? Or maybe you take over the shopping and he takes on another task from you?

God it’s just so unsexy, isn’t it.

@coodawoodashooda no mothering at work

Mine was doing some of this- coming home without everything. So I stopped first meal planning then cooking- I told him I couldn’t make him read the list, or communicate to me what he hasn’t been able to get, I didn’t like the resentment (rage really) I felt on either checking his shopping or going to cook and finding we were missing things, so I stopped. It’s worked well ever since, he meal plans, shops and does more cooking than I do.

Don't let him take the car when you need it - that just makes the experience more stressful for you.
You could send him back out for anything he forgets. Or just stop taking any responsibility for feeding him - shop and cook for you and dad and tell him to sort his own food out. Or take back responsibility for the shop since you are expending all the mental effort anyway and make him do something else (like cleaning the bathroom or whatever other job you hate doing).

I’ve seen this before: “I am clever and work with clever people. My brain doesn’t need to engage with the mundanity of domestic work”

He doesn't really care about the shopping and he knows you'll come along and mop up after him so he cba to put sufficient effort into doing it properly. It's really disrespectful.

@Snog but the thing is it’s not about the shopping it’s about the fact we’re both adults, parents. We both have full time equally paid, equally responsible jobs. But I do 90% of everything else- household chores, mental load, emotional stuff with DC

@crumpet it is so unsexy

He’s not your child, if you feel you are mothering him and losing attraction for him because of it that is your issue to deal with. Think of all the women in the past who did 100% of the household stuff, do you think they saw themselves as their husbands mothers?

Women who want to work full time and lose attraction over doing more domestic duties than men should be very very careful who they tie themselves to. And I guess men who aren’t inclined to do domestic stuff as much should look for more Mumsy stay at home types too and be sure they can provide for them.

Equality is a pipe dream and men (on the whole) will never do as much housework as us. Mark my words and choose carefully if you want to avoid that.

Stop doing the meal plans, hand it over to him, and then he can write the list.

Look at everything you do and hand it over where possible, delegate.

Ask him to start planning dinners and evenings out, because you are no longer enjoying the marriage as much as you did, reconnect.

Also look at yourself, what are you bringing to the party? It is easy to criticise others.