Parenting my husband

[Kindtomyself]

Hi. I’m in a really challenging marriage and have come to the realisation that I have taken on the role of mother and my husband has taken on the role of child in our marriage. I am exhausted, unhappy and need to take some action to resolve it.

An example (there’s usually 5 or more situations per day). ‘d’h says he’ll go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Firstly he goes 1 hour before I need the car to go somewhere so is tight for time, secondly I am expected to write the list, ok I write the list, plan the meals for the week which I write at the top of the list and off he goes (not taking carrier bags again so has to buy more despite us having approximately 40 carrier bags shoved in a drawer because he forgets to take them and then buys more and just shoves them in the drawer when he returns). He does the shop. Me: did you get everything? ‘D’h yes…..
Next day comes and I can’t find the melon. Me: where’s the melon? ‘D’h: they didn’t have any. Me: but you said you got everything. ‘D’h: I didn’t get melon . Me: but you got everything else? ‘D’h: yes. Ok, I think and wander back to the kitchen. I then notice there’s no strawberries….and the same conversation ensues. This literally happens four times.

Does anyone have any experience and/or advice on this? I’m at my wits end

I am also suspicious that this recent decline is a ploy to get you to 'parent' him. I think you have to be fairly ruthless here which is against your nature. In response to his mother and others, tell them you are prioritising the DC and you have a lot on your plate, you're finding it hard to cope yourself. End of conversation.

Thanks @CaperCaper and @Triffid1 I've said that I'm not convinced that the way he has been is because of mental health problems and I can't see it improving between us.

You’ve said before that at work he can plan, strategise, empathise etc, but he won’t at home (unless he’s on that part of ‘the cycle’). You have asked him for his partnership in your relationship time and again to no avail. You sound totally fed up with it all - after all, if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. Time to go back to that solicitor and call it a day? It sounds like that’s what you really want….

@goody2shooz

You’ve said before that at work he can plan, strategise, empathise etc, but he won’t at home (unless he’s on that part of ‘the cycle’). You have asked him for his partnership in your relationship time and again to no avail. You sound totally fed up with it all - after all, if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. Time to go back to that solicitor and call it a day? It sounds like that’s what you really want….

I am totally fed up tbh but also I'm getting a bit confused with it all because he's now wanting to sort it out and I feel like I should probably give it a couple of months but I also feel switched off to it as if it's gone too far now. I do question whether he's on the spectrum, he is saying that he thinks it's a possibility and he definitely lacks empathy. However I don't know what explains his bad moods. I don't want to get flamed and don't know enough about neurodiversity but it could explain him not recognising my needs and his fixation with work.

The thing is, a marriage isn’t all about what HE wants. If you’ve tried and tried (and ‘it’s not falling on deaf ears’), and you’re confused because he’s now wanting to sort it out, you can give him x amount of time to see if he really does change. But if he does, why did he make you so unhappy for so long then, why didn’t he make the effort a long time ago? And if he’s on the spectrum (a handy label), how will that help you continue to live as you are? It will be very hard to put yourself first after years of considering everyone else before you, but it’s time you did. 💐

Is his declining mental health a ploy to guilt trip you into changing your mind and get back to status quo? I am only saying this because thanks to your thread I have spotted tactics that my own husband uses to do exactly this. And I think he learned it from his mother! The complete incapability and martyrdom, yet he is fully functioning in a decent job where he pretty much manages himself.

I have just reread all your posts to remind myself properly of the situation.

OP, of course it's possible he has mental health issues - I mean, choosing to take dirty clothes out of the hamper and put them on, and do it regularly, is not normal behaviour by any stretch of the imagination.

But lets not forget the issues started not just because you wanted him to take on the mental load, but because even when you did take on all the mental load, he was still passive aggressive and lazy. You would ask him to do a task - shopping, cleaning etc. He would agree to that task. He would then NOT do that task. And then, to rub salt into the wound, he would then accuse YOU of being the nag/bitch etc because you wanted to know why the task had not been done.

None of this is the behaviour of a person who has any respect or care for you. And whether or not he also has mental health issues or even if, for example, he has undiagnosed ADHD or a similar but different condition, his responses and behaviour reflect someone who does not care.

And this is on top of him suddenly pulling out the mental health card at a time when the chance of divorce is much much higher, made worse because he isn't actually planning to do anything about this supposed mental health crisis either.

I reiterate that I don't see any reason not to at least consider separation. Get a new lawyer because I also think the chances of him asking or getting 50/50, if you push back, is light (football once a week does NOT count as him taking on 50% of the caring responsibilities) and, if he genuinely believes his mental health is the problem, he can fix that and then you can talk again.

My ex DH had similar issues to yours, OP. He also suffered from depression and other MH issues. These issues always came up as reasons/explanations/excuses for why he was a terrible husband, from family and friends as well as from him.

Eventually I had to draw a line and say these may be the reasons in part for his behaviour that causes my unhappiness but just because there are reasons for it doesn't mean I have to live in an unhappy marriage. He had more than enough time, space and resources to deal with them but didn't. I am not as his wife obliged to live with the consequences of that choice on his part.

Even now though I still get some pushback from others, including him, that I should somehow have foregone happiness or hope of having my needs met simply because he "couldn't help it" or "it isn't his fault". So beware this line of reasoning I would say.

@goody2shooz

The thing is, a marriage isn’t all about what HE wants. If you’ve tried and tried (and ‘it’s not falling on deaf ears’), and you’re confused because he’s now wanting to sort it out, you can give him x amount of time to see if he really does change. But if he does, why did he make you so unhappy for so long then, why didn’t he make the effort a long time ago? And if he’s on the spectrum (a handy label), how will that help you continue to live as you are? It will be very hard to put yourself first after years of considering everyone else before you, but it’s time you did. 💐

Yes totally difficult to put myself first. I'm totally fed up with it all. I'm sick of it all.

Thanks for taking your time to post @CowboyBebop @Triffid1 @Mumof3confused @goody2shooz. I'm not feeling well today- on antibiotics for a UTI so will respond tomorrow.

So I told him I wanted to split up 10 days ago and asked him to move out. Nothing has happened since. Kids are around now so I don't want to bring it up but I'm get the impression he won't be doing anything about it

How infuriating for you! What was his response when you said you wanted to split and for him to move out?

I told my strategically incapable husband at the start of Feb that I want a divorce. We are still in the same house but I filed for divorce this week. I’ve suggested nesting while we deal with the separation, financials and sale of the house but he tells me he’s struggling too much and also we can’t afford it. We could afford it but he’s clinging on for dear life. I don’t really have any advice for you. We start mediation in a few weeks. I’m hoping that will help move things forward because at the moment I’m trying but he’s digging his heels in. We have not yet told the kids. That’s the bit I dread the most.

He's not going to make it easy for you. He's NEVER made anything easy for you though, has he ?

Take advice from your solicitor. Ensure that you are 'living separately' in the same house. (Which you have been in all but which bed you sleep in for years !)

Refuse to discuss anything with him directly. Just keep telling him ''I'll discuss that with my solicitor.''

Ensure you have all important documents etc kept somewhere safe (e.g at work or a friends house).
Ensure everyone knows you have officially 'separated', including his parents, all family and friends etc.

I have only read parts of the thread, OP. I don’t know if it’s deliberate, or if he has underlying issues. He reminds me of my adult son age 23 quite a bit, who has some kind of ASD issues I suspect. He can be very chaotic and unreliable and was a total pain to live with.

In which case I doubt he will have the focus or direction to find somewhere else to live easily. As you say yourself he cannot even do the shopping properly.

But living with someone like this can be very very draining. Really really draining and tiring.

I think the sooner you are on your own and free of all this the better. He will drag his feet though as will struggle with motivation and execution probably. You may have to up the ante, though I don’t know quite how.

He won't take any steps to move out, the same as he won't take on any of the mental load, he's expecting you to sort it out for him.

In your shoes I'd speak to a solicitor and get the bigot e ball rolling, keep mentioning it to him, he'll eventually have to do something himself. It'll be like him washing his clothes, he'll do it when he absolutely has to.

He will hope you will just keep rolling along and he will just keep on doing his thing. If you want out then it's very likely that you will need to keep ploughing away in the direction you want to go in.
I think there are online legal guides on how to separate while still living under the same roof right up to when the house is sold if that is what needs to happen. Work it out with your solicitor and inform your H on a need to know basis.

@Mumof3confused sounds like you are focused. Are your DC quite young? When are you planning on telling them. I hope you are ok

@Kindtomyself aw thank you. I am very focussed and really want to get it sorted now. We’ve been in therapy for a while. The kids are between 8-12. I’d like to have a plan of action before we tell them. I imagine telling them that we are splitting up and selling the house but we don’t know any more details would be very unsettling for them. Sadly neither of us can buy the other out. I hope that mediation will help move everything steadily forward, as they apparently give you tasks.

By the way, everyone telling you to live separately. That has all changed now with the new no fault divorce system. You don’t need to have a reason/live separately for a period of time etc. I filed myself online and it was super simple.

Good luck with it @Mumof3confused such a tricky time but you will get it sorted soon. Thanks for the advice re: no fault divorce I wasn't aware of that.

@LostBa thanks. I hope your son is ok. I think you are correct with what you are saying that husband doesn't have the executive function to deal with it so I will have to sort it out.