Parenting my husband

[Kindtomyself]

Hi. I’m in a really challenging marriage and have come to the realisation that I have taken on the role of mother and my husband has taken on the role of child in our marriage. I am exhausted, unhappy and need to take some action to resolve it.

An example (there’s usually 5 or more situations per day). ‘d’h says he’ll go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Firstly he goes 1 hour before I need the car to go somewhere so is tight for time, secondly I am expected to write the list, ok I write the list, plan the meals for the week which I write at the top of the list and off he goes (not taking carrier bags again so has to buy more despite us having approximately 40 carrier bags shoved in a drawer because he forgets to take them and then buys more and just shoves them in the drawer when he returns). He does the shop. Me: did you get everything? ‘D’h yes…..
Next day comes and I can’t find the melon. Me: where’s the melon? ‘D’h: they didn’t have any. Me: but you said you got everything. ‘D’h: I didn’t get melon . Me: but you got everything else? ‘D’h: yes. Ok, I think and wander back to the kitchen. I then notice there’s no strawberries….and the same conversation ensues. This literally happens four times.

Does anyone have any experience and/or advice on this? I’m at my wits end

Hello all. I'm just wondering if someone would be able to explain the steps I should take for separating with husband? I'm thinking of going to relationship counselling with him but to be honest I have made my mind up that I want to split up. However I think counselling will be useful to ensure that there's a neutral person there for any discussions because I just don't want to try and discuss it with just the two of us. He has shouted really loudly in the past and involved the DC and I am not willing to deal with that again

I would not undergo any form of joint counselling with him. Its never recommended either if there is any type of abuse within the relationship.

Abuse too is about power and control; its NOT about communication or a perceived lack of it. This man has always wanted absolute power and control over you.

If you are in the UK I would contact a couple of firms of Solicitors and make an appointment with the one you like the most as soon as possible. Solicitors busiest months tend to be January and February because many people hang onto for the children with regards to the festive season.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I would not undergo any form of joint counselling with him. Its never recommended either if there is any type of abuse within the relationship.

Abuse too is about power and control; its NOT about communication or a perceived lack of it. This man has always wanted absolute power and control over you.

If you are in the UK I would contact a couple of firms of Solicitors and make an appointment with the one you like the most as soon as possible. Solicitors busiest months tend to be January and February because many people hang onto for the children with regards to the festive season.

Ok thanks for the advice, I'll contact a couple of solicitor's, I do know one from a social perspective but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to speak to them - they don't know husband.

He's being really nice again - it's a cycle. I'd been away on Friday night and he greeted me warmly when I arrived home (this is hit and miss). Offered to carry my bag upstairs,asked how my evening had been and seemed to listen. Watched tv with me and the DC without talking over the programme completely (although he did a bit and I said 'DD's trying to watch this' and he said 'sorry darling' to DD which is unusual - he would normally cause a fuss making out the other person is unreasonable).
He bought me a poinsettia. I've been for a run this morning and he has cleaned the surfaces in the kitchen and put the washing machine on (possibly just for himself, I'm not sure!)

All I want to do is run a mile...

Just keep calm and emotionally detached in your head and physically take yourself out of his orbit as much as you can.

I agree that doing counselling with such a character will drain, hurt and frustrate you. You will leave each session gas-lit and become more enraged as the week goes on. Your head and time will become preoccupied / absorbed with his nonsense taking the time and energy you need to move all your lives forward in a calm strategic way where least harm is done.

@Kindtomyself. Has he found and been reading your mumsnet???

He can clearly sense that you are withdrawing. So now he's a bit scared. he has been able to behave as he likes for a long time and convince himself that you were the nagging one, the irritable one, the unreasonable one. But now it's getting serious and on some level he knows that.

Unfortunately, it's probably too little too late. I suspect, based on your posts, that if he sat you down and said, "right, I've realised I've been a complete dick and here are the 10 things I'm going to change" you might be willing to engage. But instead, he's being half hearted by trying to be "nice" in the hope you'll forget everything and all it's doing is making you on edge as you wait for his usual personality to return.

[quote tarasmalatarocks]@Kindtomyself. Has he found and been reading your mumsnet???[/quote]
No, I doubt it. It's like a cycle of abuse and he tends to be quite pleasant for a while

@Triffid1

He can clearly sense that you are withdrawing. So now he's a bit scared. he has been able to behave as he likes for a long time and convince himself that you were the nagging one, the irritable one, the unreasonable one. But now it's getting serious and on some level he knows that.

Unfortunately, it's probably too little too late. I suspect, based on your posts, that if he sat you down and said, "right, I've realised I've been a complete dick and here are the 10 things I'm going to change" you might be willing to engage. But instead, he's being half hearted by trying to be "nice" in the hope you'll forget everything and all it's doing is making you on edge as you wait for his usual personality to return.

Yes, he will often be really nice and then I remember why I married him and I'm usually really happy about it all. However this time I'm not. I've had enough and sick of walking on eggshells

Yes, he will often be really nice and then I remember why I married him and I'm usually really happy about it all. However this time I'm not. I've had enough and sick of walking on eggshells

This is the key point. In the past, him being "nice" for a few days/weeks is all it took for you to go back to accepting his behaviour. He hasn't' realised yet that this time is different so the only thing I'd say is be prepared for things to get worse when he clocks it. I guarantee the narrative then will be, "ffs, I've been making a huge effort and you are just throwing it in my face" or something similar.

It is a cycle, he can sense he has gone too far.

He is a horrible selfish excuse of a man.

Get your yourself and your children out of this situation, he will not change.

@Kindtomyself

Please ensure to clear down your browsing history after each session. Change all your passwords and pin codes to something unique and which he'll be unable to guess and don't have "remember my password" on any sites... 🌹

How are you doing @Kindtomyself?

I've gone/am going through similar with my dh. Recently discovered he has adhd.
I used to take it very personally and be angry and bitter and feel disrespected at his inability to do household chores etc at all or properly.
I became disabled about 6 years ago and ALL the physical load and most of the mental load fell on him. In 6 years he has not gotten that much better at household chores but I just let it go nowadays. He is genuinely doing his best. It's just not up to my standards. Is pisses me off at times but I know he's not doing it to piss me off. It's just the way his brain is wired. (ADHD not just because he's a man.)

Dh and I were like this. For years I have had it all on my shoulders, the resentment build up and I would go mad at him, he would think I was making an argument over a little thing- can't see the bigger picture- and i would calm down until I reached my peak again.

Lockdown showed me how selfish DH. He locked himself in a room and worked whilst I worked, studied and home schooled two kids. All housework fell to me too. My MH fell and it was only when I was crying constantly did he step up and do some cooking.

I reached a breaking point where I became so unhappy. I tried to talk to him about it and he didn't take it seriously. He only started taking it seriously when I was crying a lot, distanced myself from him, told him I wanted him to have time apart. He stayed in a hotel. This seemed to shock him and he's come back with a different attitude. I still do more but he is more helpful.

I get what you say about feeling you have to parent him. DH is like this, he doesn't look in the diary so double books things, doesn't make sure dcs have brought school bags home, asks me questions because he can't be bothered to look at the diary/ Google it. I now let him sort his own mistakes out rather than causing more hassle for me.

Rather than answering his questions I say look at the diary, I don't know and say to him he can sort xyz out. Making it clear if he wants it he can sort it.

Previous he would ring me as he fancied a roast when I ve been out or sat snd he's in with the dcs sitting in his bum. Meaning he wants me to buy all the stuff etc so he just cooks it. I don't do it anymore, I say I am happy for him to have a roast if he sorts it.

I don't put his clothes or dishes etc away anymore. He's the kind of guy who walks past the dishwasher to leave things floating in the sink

Happy Boxing Day all. I hadn't noticed the few messages from a few weeks ago but thanks for your input.

It's not going well, it's getting worse. Husband is not mentally well and I do feel for him but I'm now thinking what the hell do I do? He's saying he's not going back to work ever again. It's just so hard. I feel selfish saying I want to separate when he's unwell. I'm at my Mum's at the moment with the DC but husband stayed at home because he didn't feel well

@Kindtomyself just wanted to reach out to you. Totally understand how difficult this must be for you. My H said he has started counselling and wanted to give us another try a couple of weeks back. I could only offer him to cohabit & coparent while he establishes himself, but & it's a big but, I feel I've regressed but agreeing to this. We had Christmas Day together for our DS and it was hard, very hard. I know deep down I will continue down this path of separation as the issues that led me to this have not changed at all. If you still have the same unresolved issues/ his behaviour, know it's not going to change. I am accepting that & although it's really difficult I know the truth. Breathe while you are lucky enough to be away from that toxic space. Be kind to yourself. Your H behaviour is not on you, it's on him. Of course we can feel empathy but that does not negate what you have been through and what will be your life if you stay. Listen deeply to your needs, your truth and then, well for me, it's tiny steps, keep walking your true path. Sending lots of love & support 💕

@findthecourage wow thanks for that message it really meant something to me because for the first time ever I feel like I am taking steps in my own journey and not putting everyone else first. I do have to say that I recognise I'm not perfect

Oops sorry posted too soon! I've had a really challenging week for a number of reasons but included my mum ringing to say I don't care about her and I just realised that I can't please everyone and that we have a responsibility for ourselves. I've been brought up to put myself behind others and I can safely say that doesn't work and nobody benefits from this.
I'm sorry that you're struggling too @findthecourage but it does sound like you are strong and know the direction you need to go in. Hold on to the courage and keep in touch.

Why do your husband’s wants always have to come first?
What do YOU want your future to look like?
Would he say, ‘Don’t worry dear, I’ll take care of everything!’ if you decided to give up work/not do housework/cooking/childcare? And if not, why should you? He is responsible for his health, mental and physical. Not you. You are responsible for yours, and if you get ill/can’t cope etc, then who looks after the dc? It’s high time you looked after yourself and the children and slip your shackles to this man.

Your husband is suddenly mentally unwell at the same time you have begun to emotionally withdraw from the relationship? How convenient.

Op beware that this is not a tactic to make you feel more responsible for him and therefore hesitant to leave.

Taking care of others starts with taking care of yourself x

@goody2shooz

Why do your husband’s wants always have to come first? What do YOU want your future to look like? Would he say, ‘Don’t worry dear, I’ll take care of everything!’ if you decided to give up work/not do housework/cooking/childcare? And if not, why should you? He is responsible for his health, mental and physical. Not you. You are responsible for yours, and if you get ill/can’t cope etc, then who looks after the dc? It’s high time you looked after yourself and the children and slip your shackles to this man.

It's interesting this because I'm really trying to stand back and observe it. His mum is saying to me 'you need to get him to a doctor' amongst other things I must and should do.

‘YOU need to get get him…’ oh this gives me the rage. How old is your husband - 5?! Love the way his mother says YOU need to. Why doesn’t she? Like you don’t have enough on your plate? Although his mother doubtless had a role in how he is now….but he is not another child. He’s supposed to be your partner in your family life, and if he won’t treat you all better than he’d treat a friend or colleague then perhaps a meeting with a solicitor is your best way forward before this unpleasant specimen destroys your health (mental and physical), your self esteem and gives your children a very skewed view of relationships. Good luck for 2022!

OP, this sounds awful. I don't remember there being any suggestion of mental health before so I am also a bit concerned that this sudden mental health crisis is about the realisation that you're serious this time.

@Triffid1 he hadn't said he had mental health issues however I would say his general approach day to day wasn't in the 'normal' range in my opinion.

@Kindtomyself that's a fair point from your side, but I still find myself rolling my eyes a little. Also, mental health as a standalone is NOT an excuse. If he says, "right, I've realised this and now I'm going to go and get help and I've got this appointment booked and these techniques planned etc" then perhaps you'd be willing to consider. But simply using MH as an excuse to leave you to continue to do all the hard work is just bollocks.

A friend is going through this currently. Her stbex claims she's making his mental health worse and that she should be helping him. But after 10 years of him doing F* all, it's not clear why she should help him. Not least because for all his complaints, he's still not doing anything about his MH except getting himself signed off sick from work. Unpaid.