Parenting my husband

[Kindtomyself]

Hi. I’m in a really challenging marriage and have come to the realisation that I have taken on the role of mother and my husband has taken on the role of child in our marriage. I am exhausted, unhappy and need to take some action to resolve it.

An example (there’s usually 5 or more situations per day). ‘d’h says he’ll go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Firstly he goes 1 hour before I need the car to go somewhere so is tight for time, secondly I am expected to write the list, ok I write the list, plan the meals for the week which I write at the top of the list and off he goes (not taking carrier bags again so has to buy more despite us having approximately 40 carrier bags shoved in a drawer because he forgets to take them and then buys more and just shoves them in the drawer when he returns). He does the shop. Me: did you get everything? ‘D’h yes…..
Next day comes and I can’t find the melon. Me: where’s the melon? ‘D’h: they didn’t have any. Me: but you said you got everything. ‘D’h: I didn’t get melon . Me: but you got everything else? ‘D’h: yes. Ok, I think and wander back to the kitchen. I then notice there’s no strawberries….and the same conversation ensues. This literally happens four times.

Does anyone have any experience and/or advice on this? I’m at my wits end

I couldn’t live with someone who was that manky - how hard is it to buy pants ffs.

[quote Kindtomyself]@pickingdaisies I stopped doing his laundry about 6 months ago. He didn’t say anything. He just washes his clothes every couple of months when he’s run out. I saw him get a pair of jeans out of the washing basket the other day and put them on. He must have run out of clothes so just put dirty ones back on. He doesn’t wear underwear. He used to but eventually ran out when they fell apart and didn’t bother to buy anymore [/quote]
Eww.

Well, you’re teaching your DC nothing good about equality in relationships and it sounds like there’s no respect at all. So if you think you’ve exhausted all avenues of talking/counselling etc then you have a choice to make now.

Just don’t keep chasing the dream of him suddenly changing miraculously out of love for you. Whatever happens - divorce or a concerted effort to rebalance household and relationship roles - it will be hard.

[quote Kindtomyself]@pickingdaisies I stopped doing his laundry about 6 months ago. He didn’t say anything. He just washes his clothes every couple of months when he’s run out. I saw him get a pair of jeans out of the washing basket the other day and put them on. He must have run out of clothes so just put dirty ones back on. He doesn’t wear underwear. He used to but eventually ran out when they fell apart and didn’t bother to buy anymore [/quote]
Ahh you are well ahead.

You have done loads to try to shift the dynamic and he still constantly resists you and frustrates you.

I couldn’t live with someone who lived like a pig - the laundry thing is vile. Gross. The contempt must be reaching peak both ways by now - this is not a healthy emotional place for any of you to be living.

He is determined to “win” - he is stubborn.

Less words now. Only actions with consequences.

He is not in a partnership with you - he is not a positive contribution to the family team.

I would get my ducks in a row and then tell him it’s over.

You have done too much for too long. He doesn’t care about you or your DC - he is actively out to frustrate and sabotage your happiness.

He knows what he’s doing - he knows what the consequences have been to date (you getting angrier) - but you need to shift gear. This isn’t a sustainable way to live.

Don’t use your precious and finite emotional energy, time and headspace to carry on this futile, frustrating dance any longer.

Drop the rope. Detach from him emotionally in your head. Conserve your finite energy to redirect it to getting clarity and planning your way out of this marriage. You might well need professional emotional support to help you gain insight and agency.

Honestly your life will be a breeze when he is gone. Been there. Done that.

But why should I take responsibility for all this? Why do I have to organise for him to do something else because he doesn’t do the shopping effectively?

Because unfortunately for you, you married him.

Now your choices are:

1. Put up with it

1. Try and change things through couples counseling.

1. Get rid of him.

I know which one I'd choose!

You have to go on strike regarding doing anything for him.
Cook for you and your children- do the shopping etc but do not serve him anything, communicate mealtimes only with your children.
Do your washing and basic stuff for kids- not his and not kids stuff that is outside of school or stuff needed for essentials like clubs etc
Do not communicate holidays, days out. If you need him to look after kids just leave the house early whilst he is still in and leave him to it
If you have 2 bathrooms get a padlock bar and padlock and screw to the door and lock it. State it is your bathroom only as you can ensure it is clean and tidy for you. And then leave him to it with kids for other bathroom. Don’t look at it. Don’t remind him. Wait till kids complain or he realises magic fairy won’t step in. If it’s unsalvagable at the end he can pay for a refit ( it won’t be unslavageable but hold your nerve)
Tell the school he is primary contact point- then don’t committ anything to him when he is dealing with fallout
Tell kids that dad is now responsible for all school related stuff like checking homework
Etc etc
Basically act like you have separated where legally you cannot do tasks to support each other- check the list of what’s not allowed on Gov website
He’ll either realise that it’s better to do his share and save time by acting jointly or you formally seperate
He’s got where he has becuase you’ve ( kindly meant) allowed him to slip into a belief that pulling his weight at work is enough and that the domestic stuff is invisible or “help” for you.

[quote Kindtomyself]@pickingdaisies I stopped doing his laundry about 6 months ago. He didn’t say anything. He just washes his clothes every couple of months when he’s run out. I saw him get a pair of jeans out of the washing basket the other day and put them on. He must have run out of clothes so just put dirty ones back on. He doesn’t wear underwear. He used to but eventually ran out when they fell apart and didn’t bother to buy anymore [/quote]
It is exhausting just reading this and the above is just gross. He sounds awful as it is and adding the no underwear and dirty clothes and lazing around in bed is vile .

[quote Kindtomyself]@ESGdance thanks- I’ve sent it to him before and he rolled his eyes.[/quote]
Stbxh response was to get angry. I think the type man who behaves this way is unlikely to react favourably to this. When I followed another suggestion to write down everything you do he rolled his eyes, wouldn't even look at it.

@Warblerinwinter

You have to go on strike regarding doing anything for him. Cook for you and your children- do the shopping etc but do not serve him anything, communicate mealtimes only with your children. Do your washing and basic stuff for kids- not his and not kids stuff that is outside of school or stuff needed for essentials like clubs etc Do not communicate holidays, days out. If you need him to look after kids just leave the house early whilst he is still in and leave him to it If you have 2 bathrooms get a padlock bar and padlock and screw to the door and lock it. State it is your bathroom only as you can ensure it is clean and tidy for you. And then leave him to it with kids for other bathroom. Don’t look at it. Don’t remind him. Wait till kids complain or he realises magic fairy won’t step in. If it’s unsalvagable at the end he can pay for a refit ( it won’t be unslavageable but hold your nerve) Tell the school he is primary contact point- then don’t committ anything to him when he is dealing with fallout Tell kids that dad is now responsible for all school related stuff like checking homework Etc etc Basically act like you have separated where legally you cannot do tasks to support each other- check the list of what’s not allowed on Gov website He’ll either realise that it’s better to do his share and save time by acting jointly or you formally seperate He’s got where he has becuase you’ve ( kindly meant) allowed him to slip into a belief that pulling his weight at work is enough and that the domestic stuff is invisible or “help” for you.

Do not do this.

Don't make your children live like that.

Either seek counseling and try and solve the problems like a grown up or get divorced.

Do not make you children live in that environment.

I do think in a marriage it can be more efficient to have one person as manager as long as all pull together in the work.

We are quite traditional in the sense that DH is responsible for the cars, the logs, the garden, running the finances, all the DIY (and there is a lot of that). I help him with these things if he asks. Eg can you call in at log yard and give them a cheque, can you collect this DIY thing for me so I can crack on - lawn needs mowing have you got time? Etc.

I am in charge of organising shopping cooking laundry and cleaning. DH actually does the cooking with the DCs three nights a week when I am not here but he cooks what I have planned (unless he says he has his own plans with the kids - sometimes they make pizza). I'm also in charge of the children and their lives. DH regularly goes to football practice with dS as I am not here but I am the one organising it - if it's cancelled it will be me that thinks about the impact of this and lets DH know.

I will say I haven't got time to do all of the above this weekend as I have to take DCs to X - can you clean upstairs? And he will say yes if he can or if his is stacked with DIY he will say no and we agree to leave it.

I don't think it's efficient to have everyone trying to think and manage everything but each should help the other do what needs doing even if it is not "their" area.

Your DH sounds more passive aggressive- you ask him to do the bathroom but you don't know if he actually will or not.

There's nothing wrong with forgetting a few things at the shop - we all do - but I get the feeling it is part of a more pervasive passive aggression ?

[quote Kindtomyself]@Snog but the thing is it’s not about the shopping it’s about the fact we’re both adults, parents. We both have full time equally paid, equally responsible jobs. But I do 90% of everything else- household chores, mental load, emotional stuff with DC[/quote]
then stop doing it...while you do it, he will let you.

What are you still getting out of this?.

And you are still with this man at all because....?.

Honestly he is taking you for a right fool here; he has you exactly where he wants you. He sees the life admin and chores as your job and your job alone. His deliberate incompetance technique i.e. doing tasks so badly in order to not be asked to do these again has worked on you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Both of them are having damaging lessons imparted to them.

@Bumpsadaisie

I do think in a marriage it can be more efficient to have one person as manager as long as all pull together in the work.

We are quite traditional in the sense that DH is responsible for the cars, the logs, the garden, running the finances, all the DIY (and there is a lot of that). I help him with these things if he asks. Eg can you call in at log yard and give them a cheque, can you collect this DIY thing for me so I can crack on - lawn needs mowing have you got time? Etc.

I am in charge of organising shopping cooking laundry and cleaning. DH actually does the cooking with the DCs three nights a week when I am not here but he cooks what I have planned (unless he says he has his own plans with the kids - sometimes they make pizza). I'm also in charge of the children and their lives. DH regularly goes to football practice with dS as I am not here but I am the one organising it - if it's cancelled it will be me that thinks about the impact of this and lets DH know.

I will say I haven't got time to do all of the above this weekend as I have to take DCs to X - can you clean upstairs? And he will say yes if he can or if his is stacked with DIY he will say no and we agree to leave it.

I don't think it's efficient to have everyone trying to think and manage everything but each should help the other do what needs doing even if it is not "their" area.

This is traditional, yes. But I note that your DH does plenty. Unfortunately, what too often happens is that the woman continues with the "traditional" tasks of cooking, cleaning, organising etc but the man seems to think all the "traditional" male tasks are not his problem - from DIy, to finances, to any and all heavy lifting.

OP, the update re the washing was GRIM. Honestly, it's not just that you have a third child. But that you have a third child who is also a surly sulky disgusting teenager. It is very very obvious that he will never step up, that he will never do anything to a standard that is even vaguely in one with yours so it's not clear to me that you benefit from having him in the house at all. I'm sorry. I do think this may be the end of the road but I appreciate it's not as easy as saying, "right, let's get divorced".

Aw thanks @TopCatsTopHat I love your username too. Mutual username lovers . Thanks for the flowers and kind words. I think I love you

@Jellycatspyjamas but isn’t no pants a bit rock n roll? Or is it just a bit manky?

It’s manky isn’t it

Ok after your latest posts I think it's a good idea to seriously consider divorce. He has no respect for you and won't change. And he sounds disgusting.

It's truly sad that someone who is supposed to love and care for you is like this.

He may think he's winning the "you're not the boss of me" childishness and disrespect but I doubt he realises he's going to end up alone. That's the smug entitlement and arrogance to think they can annoy you enough, you'll back down and keep on skivvying.

What does he actually contribute to the marriage besides stress and a lot of extra work.

I agree with PP that it's gone beyond talking to him about it and you'll need to take action.

I see you deal with all the bills - do you deal with all the finances? If it came to divorce, how would you stand financially?

If he's delighting in being a passive-aggressive & at times just plain aggressive now, he'll be a total arse when it comes to divorce.

Thanks @NoSquirrels each and everyone of you are helping. I’m going to try and get him to go to relationship counselling. He totally refused last time I suggested it but I think it’s needed even if we need to separate (which I think we do sadly). Conscious uncoupling or whatever shite

@ESGdance thanks for the wise words. I’m on it

@Bumpsadaisie

Good comment, I’m very similar in that my relationship is more “traditional” - though I don’t really like calling it that as it seems to suggest it shouldn’t be that way when really it just shouldn’t be the only option, but is a very good one for a lot of people.

I think the thing about “traditional” roles is that they have more clearly defined boundaries so your not constantly stepping on each other’s toes. I read somewhere that it was very important to have a clear and defined division of labour and that it contributed to a marriage lasting.

So whether it’s traditional or not I think it’s really beneficial to have certain things be one persons area as to avoid conflicts. I suppose the thing with people who live in a less “traditional” way is they are flying blind on how to actually achieve an effective division of labour and there’s no easy blueprint to slip into. But I think not having division of labour and taking turns or doing things together is just so so hard to make a relationship work around.

@ESGdance just noticed that you’ve been there and done that. How’s life now?

@NuffSaidSam thanks

If he refused to go to such counselling last time around he is unlikely to go this time. Nothing has really changed.

I would start planning your exit from this marriage by seeking legal advice asap. Knowledge here is power.