Parenting my husband

[Kindtomyself]

Hi. I’m in a really challenging marriage and have come to the realisation that I have taken on the role of mother and my husband has taken on the role of child in our marriage. I am exhausted, unhappy and need to take some action to resolve it.

An example (there’s usually 5 or more situations per day). ‘d’h says he’ll go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Firstly he goes 1 hour before I need the car to go somewhere so is tight for time, secondly I am expected to write the list, ok I write the list, plan the meals for the week which I write at the top of the list and off he goes (not taking carrier bags again so has to buy more despite us having approximately 40 carrier bags shoved in a drawer because he forgets to take them and then buys more and just shoves them in the drawer when he returns). He does the shop. Me: did you get everything? ‘D’h yes…..
Next day comes and I can’t find the melon. Me: where’s the melon? ‘D’h: they didn’t have any. Me: but you said you got everything. ‘D’h: I didn’t get melon . Me: but you got everything else? ‘D’h: yes. Ok, I think and wander back to the kitchen. I then notice there’s no strawberries….and the same conversation ensues. This literally happens four times.

Does anyone have any experience and/or advice on this? I’m at my wits end

@Aderyn21 if I ask him to clean the bathroom he would say yes but who knows whether he would do it. He might do it but not fully. I’d have to ask him weekly to do it and it would be hit and miss whether he does.

But why should I take responsibility for all this? Why do I have to organise for him to do something else because he doesn’t do the shopping effectively? I guess what I’m trying to say is why doesn’t he just take responsibility?

You're doing everything involved in "food shopping" apart from physically going to Tesco.
Planning the meals, writing the list, then trying to cook a meal with missing ingredients.
I'd prefer to actually do the shopping myself - competently - and delegate several other crap jobs to husband

Sounds like he is actively resisting you with his actions.

Is he generally non confrontational?

Sometime people like this can’t communicate their wants and needs verbally so set up situations where they can frustrate the other with actions. They get a kick out of seeing you riled and can then blame you for being a nag because you raised your voice / got frustrated.

It’s called being passive aggressive and underneath he likely has simmering contempt for you.

I suspect he has / had an unusual relationship with his own parents - was one of them controlling, engulfing or volatile?

Don’t rise to him.

Drop the rope and withdraw emotionally.

Decide to review everything 50:50. Make sure he doesn’t have chores that impact you (missing ingredients) - be very blunt with him what the deadlines are and what the consequences are and follow them through.

Tell him that working as a team together is respectful and anything less is is not a marriage and you will be calling it a day.

I don't think he is unreasonable not to buy melons and strawberries in December but that aside, he sounds useless at shopping. It is quite hard I think for the person who is not cooking to shop especially if they aren't a cook anyway. I would give him a different task. I sympathise though as my dh is a bit like this. It is infuriating as there are so many tasks he cannot do so my to-do list gets longer. I have banned him from the washing machine as he just refuses to learn how to use it. Play to his strengths and it will make life easier for you.

You need to pass over jobs/chores/responsibilities that don’t impact you.

If he’s shit at the ‘food’ chore - which includes meal planning, writing a list and shopping, and at least 50% of the cooking - then he does a different, equivalent chore in its entirety that doesn’t impact you day to day. For example all cleaning of bathrooms, floors, common areas. All child-related admin (“Dad’s dealing with that. Ask Dad.”) All family laundry - keep doing your own stuff if you think he would screw it up but hand over the rest.

The only way is to refuse to be the manager. If he takes on a task he does it all.

God I hate the term Nag. Most nagging is in response to someone not pulling their weight.

@TarasCrazyTiara

He’s not your child, if you feel you are mothering him and losing attraction for him because of it that is your issue to deal with. Think of all the women in the past who did 100% of the household stuff, do you think they saw themselves as their husbands mothers?

Women who want to work full time and lose attraction over doing more domestic duties than men should be very very careful who they tie themselves to. And I guess men who aren’t inclined to do domestic stuff as much should look for more Mumsy stay at home types too and be sure they can provide for them.

Equality is a pipe dream and men (on the whole) will never do as much housework as us. Mark my words and choose carefully if you want to avoid that.

[quote Kindtomyself]@Aderyn21 if I ask him to clean the bathroom he would say yes but who knows whether he would do it. He might do it but not fully. I’d have to ask him weekly to do it and it would be hit and miss whether he does.

But why should I take responsibility for all this? Why do I have to organise for him to do something else because he doesn’t do the shopping effectively? I guess what I’m trying to say is why doesn’t he just take responsibility?[/quote]
But not cleaning the bathroom ‘properly’ or ‘fully’ impacts less on you if you let it.

You don’t need to ‘ask him weekly to do it’ - you need him to understand this is his responsibility and you will but be picking up the slack.

What do your teens do?

@Fairylights25 I work full time. I do all the housework- cleaning, washing, drying. I sort the bills - utilities, clubs, sky. I buy the children clothes. I clean the car. I organise holidays - I even take them on my own and he joins us there or comes back early cos work’s tricky. I organise childcare or at least being around in school holidays

Why should it be the OP's responsibility to allocate tasks?

You don't need tips, you need respect from your DH.

He couldn't do it if you didn't facilitate.
Refuse.

I do all the housework- cleaning, washing, drying. I sort the bills - utilities, clubs, sky. I buy the children clothes. I clean the car. I organise holidays

Have a sit down serious household talk.

Pass over responsibilities.

Stick to your guns.

@AHotel

Why should it be the OP's responsibility to allocate tasks?

You don't need tips, you need respect from your DH.

It shouldn’t be OP’s responsibility to allocate tasks.

But if he wants someone to manage him - to spoon feed what needs doing - then he can have that.

But as I remind the lazier members of my household, if they want me to manage them and remind them of their tasks, they need to appreciate that managers manage- they don’t carry out the work. They are supervisors of the workers…

If they don’t like that, I’m happy to be a co-worker if they all take responsibility for an equal division of labour.

[quote Kindtomyself]@Fairylights25 I work full time. I do all the housework- cleaning, washing, drying. I sort the bills - utilities, clubs, sky. I buy the children clothes. I clean the car. I organise holidays - I even take them on my own and he joins us there or comes back early cos work’s tricky. I organise childcare or at least being around in school holidays[/quote]
I divorced my one of them. 'Works tricky' my arse.

@rifling it wasn’t melon and strawberries I just changed the products. My point was that I wrote a list (and I write the list because he asks me to not because I want to) and he said he had bought everything when he hadn’t which means when I come to cook one of the meals we don’t have the correct ingredients because he lied.

It’s not about the tasks it’s a known pattern of behaviour of studied incompetence, entitlement, passive aggression and disrespect. He will just be like @rifling’s DH … will deliberately fail at every task you out his way and frustrate you.

Call him out on the bigger picture - the disrespect, the contempt, the erosion of your marriage.

[quote Kindtomyself]@Aderyn21 if I ask him to clean the bathroom he would say yes but who knows whether he would do it. He might do it but not fully. I’d have to ask him weekly to do it and it would be hit and miss whether he does.

But why should I take responsibility for all this? Why do I have to organise for him to do something else because he doesn’t do the shopping effectively? I guess what I’m trying to say is why doesn’t he just take responsibility?[/quote]
Ask him how he'll manage to shop, cook, clean, wash, pay bills and look after his children when you're divorced

Decide if you want to continue like this. He probably won’t change. Is it a deal breaker? Are there other ways? Do online shopping? Get a cleaner to do the bathroom etc etc. if he’s not prepared to pull his weight why should you? I slung out my child’s father but he was even worse than what you described. And used to tell me certain tasks were a mothers job. Can you believe? It’s easier not to rely on someone who doesn’t do anything seriously or with any effort.

Thank you @AHotel I appreciate that

I don't understand why you are doing all of this?
If you are now doing it all, delegate.
But now you have found yourself in this position you need to change it no?

Respect is not going to give you a life back. This is not going to fix itself. Arrange a family meeting and give your life baggage out to family members and leave them to it.

The trick with handing over responsibility is that you have to do just that. So if it's cleaning the bathroom, you have to not worry about whether it's done to your standards - done is done. But you do need to have the talk with him - tell him straight that the current set up isn't working for you, and if he wants your relationship to survive, he has to take on more of the load. Let him suggest ways he can do this. A calm but no nonsense discussion. Mean what you say. As for the shopping, you might as well do an online shop and let him put it away when it arrives ( and pop out for any extras during the week).

@dworky refuse what? To write the list? But then I’d have to go to the shop myself to make sure we have food to feed the kids and us

Be very clear if he does not take his share on, and do so competently then you will reassessing the marriage. It is okay to communicate how you are feeling. If nothing changes then you have options.

or maybe it is too late for solutions?

It's not and shouldn't be your responsibility. The alternative though is to ltb! You might be happier not living with a man child. If it was me I'd have a really blunt conversation about how sexually unattractive he is right now and unless things change you will be going your separate ways.

You don't sound like you are looking to make things better, perhaps just wanting to moan, thats okay.

I would not, and do not do a fraction of what you have taken on. Running the house and raising our children is a joint enterprise in this house.