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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Parenting my husband

420 replies

Kindtomyself · 29/11/2021 08:12

Hi. I’m in a really challenging marriage and have come to the realisation that I have taken on the role of mother and my husband has taken on the role of child in our marriage. I am exhausted, unhappy and need to take some action to resolve it.

An example (there’s usually 5 or more situations per day). ‘d’h says he’ll go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Firstly he goes 1 hour before I need the car to go somewhere so is tight for time, secondly I am expected to write the list, ok I write the list, plan the meals for the week which I write at the top of the list and off he goes (not taking carrier bags again so has to buy more despite us having approximately 40 carrier bags shoved in a drawer because he forgets to take them and then buys more and just shoves them in the drawer when he returns). He does the shop. Me: did you get everything? ‘D’h yes…..
Next day comes and I can’t find the melon. Me: where’s the melon? ‘D’h: they didn’t have any. Me: but you said you got everything. ‘D’h: I didn’t get melon Hmm. Me: but you got everything else? ‘D’h: yes. Ok, I think and wander back to the kitchen. I then notice there’s no strawberries….and the same conversation ensues. This literally happens four times.

Does anyone have any experience and/or advice on this? I’m at my wits end

OP posts:
Kindtomyself · 29/11/2021 08:58

@NoSquirrels I’ve tried talking to him he just shouts saying he does loads. He has no awareness. He’s still lying in bed now. I’ve been up since 6 supporting the kids to get ready for school

OP posts:
Level75 · 29/11/2021 08:59

Make a list of physical and emotional work that needs doing and go through it with him, splitting 50/50. For help, mental work you may forget can be found here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feminism/4274326-Can-you-help-me-compile-a-list-of-tasks-that-are-emotional-labour-life-admin

Shedmistress · 29/11/2021 09:00

What are your options here?

He is not going to change, I mean he doesn't go back out and get the melon or strawberries does he? He is never responsible for stepping up and you just deal with whatever it is and then stat on the next issue 5 mins later.

Have you read 'she divorced me because I left dishes by the sink'?

You aren't going to change him. So you either stop doing his stuff and play that out, accept it or leave him.

NoSquirrels · 29/11/2021 09:01

[quote Kindtomyself]@dworky refuse what? To write the list? But then I’d have to go to the shop myself to make sure we have food to feed the kids and us[/quote]
Are you saying that if you didn’t write a list he wouldn’t go shopping? Point blank refuse?

Because if he’d go shopping but get a load of random stuff and it was a bit annoying that would be different. In that scenario he gets to make the meals from the random stuff as a learning experience…

Snog · 29/11/2021 09:01

Give him clear responsibilities, stand back and let him learn from his mistakes.
Eg DH you are responsible for organising all out of school care for the children.
You are responsible for meals and cooking.
I am responsible for cleaning
I am responsible for organising holidays

ESGdance · 29/11/2021 09:02

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Get him to have a read of the above. It’s not about the task it’s about kindness, cooperation and respect. The fundamentals of your marriage.

Does he care that you are overloaded - that his actions repeatedly and relentlessly cause you huge inconvenience and emotionally distress? Would anyone treat a friend or colleague this way?

pickingdaisies · 29/11/2021 09:02

Ah, just read your update. He needs a rude awakening. How about not doing his laundry for starters? I'm actually wondering what is the point of him.

NoSquirrels · 29/11/2021 09:02

[quote Kindtomyself]@NoSquirrels I’ve tried talking to him he just shouts saying he does loads. He has no awareness. He’s still lying in bed now. I’ve been up since 6 supporting the kids to get ready for school[/quote]
Divorce him, then.

Snog · 29/11/2021 09:03

At the moment it is your choice to manage DH. Stop doing it if this isn't how you want the relationship to work.

coodawoodashooda · 29/11/2021 09:05

He does have an awareness. He doesn't care about you. Sorry

Kindtomyself · 29/11/2021 09:05

@BruceAndNosh one of my points is why do I have to delegate? Why am I the manager? Surely we should be a partnership?

And if I did ‘delegate’ another job he might do it once but then forget leaving me to remind him weekly or whatever

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 29/11/2021 09:06

For your own sanity, change a few things in practical terms. Do your weekly shop online if this is a particular issue. If you can afford a cleaner, do that.

But you also need a bigger change. Your kids are old enough to also be doing chores so have a family meeting and set up a rota that goes on the fridge so everyone can see what they're doing. Allow a few weeks of reminding people until the habits are there.

Separately tell your husband that you are doing this to save your marriage so he needs to take it seriously.

Kindtomyself · 29/11/2021 09:06

@Level75 will do thanks.

OP posts:
Kindtomyself · 29/11/2021 09:08

@Shedmistress yes I’ve read it. I’ve also bought the book the ‘mental load’. I’ve even sent him information on it. Yes divorce is the only answer I can now see

OP posts:
ESGdance · 29/11/2021 09:10

Oh I got that wrong he’s not passive aggressive he’s aggressive aggressive.

Your kids don’t need to see and
here some bloke DH shouting at their mother.

They don’t need to see their mother neglected, abused, drained and exhausted.

They need a calm and peaceful home - where kindness and respect are the corner stones.

That’s not possible with this aggressive, entitled, man child on board.

Honestly your life will be so easy without this millstone.

Kindtomyself · 29/11/2021 09:10

@NoSquirrels he would buy random stuff and I’d have to find a meal to cook for the kids because I’d be trying to feed them whilst he’s at work. As a parent I have a responsibility to give my kids a healthy meal otherwise I would be neglecting them

OP posts:
Kindtomyself · 29/11/2021 09:12

@ESGdance thanks- I’ve sent it to him before and he rolled his eyes.

OP posts:
Fairylights25 · 29/11/2021 09:14

Op you are now having to delegate because for some reason you have managed to wake up and find yourself saddled with the bulk of the load.

If he is rolling his eyes at you - seriously pack his bags - no one has the right to treat with such contempt.

Kindtomyself · 29/11/2021 09:15

@pickingdaisies I stopped doing his laundry about 6 months ago. He didn’t say anything. He just washes his clothes every couple of months when he’s run out. I saw him get a pair of jeans out of the washing basket the other day and put them on. He must have run out of clothes so just put dirty ones back on. He doesn’t wear underwear. He used to but eventually ran out when they fell apart and didn’t bother to buy anymore Confused

OP posts:
Kindtomyself · 29/11/2021 09:16

@NoSquirrels I think I’ll have to.

OP posts:
SarahDippity · 29/11/2021 09:17

[quote Kindtomyself]@pickingdaisies I stopped doing his laundry about 6 months ago. He didn’t say anything. He just washes his clothes every couple of months when he’s run out. I saw him get a pair of jeans out of the washing basket the other day and put them on. He must have run out of clothes so just put dirty ones back on. He doesn’t wear underwear. He used to but eventually ran out when they fell apart and didn’t bother to buy anymore Confused[/quote]
Shock

Kindtomyself · 29/11/2021 09:17

@coodawoodashooda thanks for your honesty and no need to apologise. You’re right he doesn’t care about me

OP posts:
Kindtomyself · 29/11/2021 09:19

@ESGdance I know you’re right. I’m literally shaking here

OP posts:
Kindtomyself · 29/11/2021 09:19

@Fairylights25 I know you’re right

OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 29/11/2021 09:22

I love your user name op. I'm really sorry he's letting you down so badly and failing to appreciate even a fraction of what you do. Flowers

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