Parenting my husband

[Kindtomyself]

Hi. I’m in a really challenging marriage and have come to the realisation that I have taken on the role of mother and my husband has taken on the role of child in our marriage. I am exhausted, unhappy and need to take some action to resolve it.

An example (there’s usually 5 or more situations per day). ‘d’h says he’ll go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Firstly he goes 1 hour before I need the car to go somewhere so is tight for time, secondly I am expected to write the list, ok I write the list, plan the meals for the week which I write at the top of the list and off he goes (not taking carrier bags again so has to buy more despite us having approximately 40 carrier bags shoved in a drawer because he forgets to take them and then buys more and just shoves them in the drawer when he returns). He does the shop. Me: did you get everything? ‘D’h yes…..
Next day comes and I can’t find the melon. Me: where’s the melon? ‘D’h: they didn’t have any. Me: but you said you got everything. ‘D’h: I didn’t get melon . Me: but you got everything else? ‘D’h: yes. Ok, I think and wander back to the kitchen. I then notice there’s no strawberries….and the same conversation ensues. This literally happens four times.

Does anyone have any experience and/or advice on this? I’m at my wits end

@Bumpsadaisie I want to be you. That’s how I see normal life. Also I like the sound of nipping to a log yard!

Seriously though it just sounds so straight forward but it just doesn’t happen here. I’ll say would you clean the bathroom this weekend? He’ll say’yes’. Then he won’t. I’ll then say ‘why didn’t you clean the bathroom?’ He’ll say I forgot and possibly do it whilst huffing or not do it and I’ll have to ask him again and he’ll get all annoyed saying how busy he is and I then find myself having to justify how busy I am and why it’s important that we make time to clean the bathroom. I then just think wtf am I doing? Is he 12?

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons yep I think you must know my husband

*@Jellycatspyjamas but isn’t no pants a bit rock n roll? Or is it just a bit manky?

It’s manky isn’t it*

It’s manky. Especially if he’s not washing his clothes frequently. Really manky.

Honestly I couldn’t live with that. In saying that, I’m finally separating from my man-child after 30 years, so I get how you end up stuck. Don’t let it be you - leave as soon as you’re in a position to do so.

I think his washing and pants situation just proves that if the op didn't do it, he'd live in a pigsty without any clean clothes, no food etc.

If he'd stepped up with his washing there might have been a light at the end of the tunnel but he's shown that he will never step up to the standard of a functioning adult

Did he ever live on his own before he met you? Or move from his parents into living with you?

It was one of the many reasons I divorced my dh, after 6 months of being split up, he rang up and had a go at me for not reminding him to MOT his van. He'd had an accident and the insurance co were refusing to pay out the full amount as it had no MOT on it, it had run out a few months prior - oh how I laughed

@AttilaTheMeerkat I know you’re right. I need to get out. I actually spoke to my sil about him (husband’s sister) and she said he must be so hard to live with

@godmum56 I can’t stop doing stuff though. I’ve got two gorgeous dc who need to be looked after

How on earth are you supposed to be intimate with a man that wears the same unwashed clothes for months on end?

You have already put your foot down I see, and he is happy to not bother, I assume the same will happen with food shopping, meal planning, childcare.

How many dc do you have? I suspect you won't be able to trust him to care for the dc properly if you split up, as he has mastered the art of being entirely useless. I feel for you op.

Both DH and I work full time (both WFH)

He does:
*All the shopping and cooking
*Cleans the bathroom on a Friday
*Changes the bed, washes the covers puts new bedding on, on a Friday
*Walks the dog
*Puts his own clothes away

I cover:
*All the washing, drying, fold up clothes

• Hoover/polish/mop all rooms *Sort the dish washer, empty and refill, tidy up after he has cooked *Sporadically walk the dog

We don't have kids at home

We sort the bills together and transfer what's needed into a joint account and the same amount to each of our personal accounts.

Ah you said two.

I suspect you would almost find life easier on your own. Just the three of you without his huffing and puffing and the arguments just for him to do the very bare basics.

It is not healthy for you to carry on like this, and nor should you have to. What exactly are you getting out of this? What joy does he bring? With such small contributions to family life, without any commitment to even keep himself clean I would be well and truly OUT

I really sympathise OP as my first husband was like this. I reached a point where I hit 30 and couldn't tolerate looking after a flipping man child any longer. Why does a grown man need to ask me if he has clean underwear? Walking in the door asking what's for tea when I've just done a 12 hour day and he's been to a football match? We both worked full time but I did literally 100% of the housework, sorting out multiple children's clubs and mental load. He was literally useless at anything domestic, yet held down a full time job, and somehow never forgot to sort out tickets to sporting events, or arranging nights out with his friends.

I walked away after 14 years with him and people thought I had lost the plot - "Oh but he doesn't hurt you, Oh but he's such a lovely guy" and yes he is - if you needed a drinking buddy - but being married to such a person is draining emotionally. I watch him now being exactly the same with his second wife :(

[quote Kindtomyself]@godmum56 I can’t stop doing stuff though. I’ve got two gorgeous dc who need to be looked after[/quote]
I bet if he wasn't there you and your kids would find life easier. The irony is that one less person doesn't become "one less person to help with the chores" but instead "one less person that I have to look after, manage and plan for."

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow that made me laugh. It reminds me that I recently asked my husband to put more oil in the car, I’d put some in before a long journey but I wanted him to take some responsibility. He asked me what oil it was. I said I couldn’t remember off the top of my head but had he tried googling it? He angrily said ‘Why didn’t you keep the empty container from last time?’

He eventually bought some oil, came inside and said ‘god the hole to put the oil in is small, it’s gone everywhere’. He had put the oil where the dipstick is and oil had gone all over the road. My bil was round at the time and just looked like this

Thanks all, really helpful. I’m off to do some work and will be back later

The no underwear thing is gross.

Is he usually so careLess about his personal hygiene ? Or he is making the point that this is what happens if you don’t do your job and buy his pants?

Or is it that you are the crazy uptight woman with impossibly high standard and he will the cool laid back one? ( in his head of course ).

The more you write about his the worse he sounds BTW.

If you can afford to leave do it. Honestly, the day today is very important. However, make sure you will be better off doing it now. Being a single parent is very tough in this country unless you have a network of support. My friend divorced a horrible toxic man but had to leave to be near family because it is so tough in London. Being marry to a child is horrible but this can get tricky when you need share custody. You will be relying on him to take care of your child.

Oh god. He sounds awful. How on earth have you ended up with such a lazy, disrespectful sleaze of a man. I couldn’t live like that and you shouldn’t have to. You must feel constantly stressed and on edge. Can’t you send him back to his mummy and daddy?!

Im pretty sure this wont work, but just a suggestion. Some people are much better with written lists. Have you tried sitting down together (with dc as well), splitting up some of the load into very specific jobs with itemised tasks and the writing a list for him, you and each dc. Then stick them on the fridge. The list should specify when each job has to be done by each week and what constitutes ‘done’ so for example loading the dishwasher has to be done daily by 9pm, it has to be loaded so that all items will wash, every room in the house has to be checked for dirty items (that then have to be loaded) and it has to be running any items that have to be hand washed because they cant or shouldnt go in the dishwasher (include list) have to be hand washed and lets to drain/dry. Unloading the dishwasher has to be done by 9am every day and every item has to be dried if still damp and put away in its designated spot and any hand washed items also have to be put away.

This helps to train your dc (who might be getting messages from dh that they can play incompetent and not have to help around the house) and might get your dh to up his game. It will be more work for you to set it all up, but then it will help your dc and you know you have really tried with dh

I also think you need some couples counseling so you can both understand where the other one is coming from a bit better

The laundry shows you that he's never going to pulls his weight to any sort of acceptable standards and you cant live your life having to keep telling him to do every little thing.

I suppose there is no harm in giving him an ultimatum/warning or you split up.

[quote Kindtomyself]@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow that made me laugh. It reminds me that I recently asked my husband to put more oil in the car, I’d put some in before a long journey but I wanted him to take some responsibility. He asked me what oil it was. I said I couldn’t remember off the top of my head but had he tried googling it? He angrily said ‘Why didn’t you keep the empty container from last time?’

He eventually bought some oil, came inside and said ‘god the hole to put the oil in is small, it’s gone everywhere’. He had put the oil where the dipstick is and oil had gone all over the road. My bil was round at the time and just looked like this [/quote]
I think I'm having the same kind of relationship issues with my Dd at the moment.

I ask her to take responsibility. She resents it and wiggles it out of it. I am not sure what the answer is. The more I ask the more we get enmeshed and the more she resents it. I know that ultimately I need to give her the tools and means to take responsibility and then leave her to the consequences if she doesn't. Eg she just would not get ready in a timely way for school. Eventually I agreed with her best friends father (who we share lifts with) that if she was not ready he would go without her.

Now In the mornings I have bought her a clock that lights up 30 mins before the alarm goes off to help her get up. I will go in first thing and check in once ten mins before she needs to go on how she is doing on getting ready.

But that's it. I'm not going to take any more responsibility than that because it just backfires and infantilises her if I do and I get enraged. If she's late she's late. Things are much better now and she knows it's on her to be ready on time.

But she is 12 and my child not not my life partner!! It sounds like your DH is still at this kind of stage. Even the counselling is something you have to worry about and persuade him to. It's not really a partnership. How does he expect you to fancy him when he behaves like a 12 year old.

Does he know how close he is to losing his marriage and children?

Oh I feel for you Op. Your posts have just brought back a similar situation I had in the long distant past. The frustration at the total lack of respectm, the laziness, the assumption that his time was more important than mine, that it was OK if I was running myself ragged while he sat reading, and that any time I called him out I was 'nagging'.

Deeply irritiating and deeply unattractive.

With my DH, it was such a breath of fresh air. We never had to discuss it, but I could see from day 1 of dating that he was a fully functioning adult who could look after himself. We work the same hours, roughly, and we ensure we get the same amount of'down time'. There are some tasks I prefer / am better at, and some that he's better at / prefers, so we tend to split chores down those lines. However, if I'm extra busy at work, or ill, he will just naturally do 'my' jobs. Like a pp said, if he needs a hand in 'his' area I'll give it, and vice versa.

And he doesn't expect a medal or to be thanked for any of this, because he knows we are both equal adults with an equal responsibity to run our household.

Your DH is lazy, selfish, happy to watch you working while he rests, entitled, and is either utterly incompetent or passive-aggressive punishing you for expecting 'help'. Either way he isn't a good partner in life.

You deserve better. And to model something better for your DCs.

@Kindtomyself Oh god, are we married to the same man??? I haven't read the whole thread, but have got an idea of what you're going through and the advice you're being given. Funnily enough, I'm sitting here at work with a piece of paper on which I'm writing a list of things dh has annoyed me with this weekend alone. I usually just let things go and get on with it, but I can't keep going on like this forever. I feel silly making a list, but he's oblivious to the fact he's anything less than the perfect husband and father, so I have got to the point where I'm going to have to prove to him why I have pretty much given up after years and years of being treated like a mum to him. Even more so than the kids!

This weekend he has -

left it to me to repair a massive gap in the conservatory roof where the panel had blown off in the storms. Me up on the step ladders trying to hammer some plastic sheeting across the gap to keep the sleet and snow out until someone can come and fix it. He was prepared to just leave it wide open. And then he has the cheek to pop his head round the door and say, "having fun?"

left washing on the kitchen floor. I decided this weekend not to wash any of his clothes and see if he would take the initiative. No. His gym gear from a week ago is still in four co-op bags in front of the washing machine.

continued to park the car too close to the hedge so the side of it gets scratched every time I try to reverse off the drive. He has not learned not to do this after several years. I got someone to cut the hedge (for which I paid out £200 of my own money) so that it was easier to get on and off the drive, only for him to park the car even closer.

gone in the shower this morning at the exact time I need to go in. I need to shower between getting my eldest out the door for school and getting the youngest up for school so we can be ready on time to be out for school and work. He works from home and has never got the kids up or made their packed lunches. Ever.

continued to not wash his hands properly, or brush his teeth more than once a week.

taken the last packet of crisps of the ones I take to work for my packed lunch. I can't get out of the office to go and get anything, whereas he is literally in the house with a full fridge and cupboards, filled by me who does the weekly shopping.

made his own (microwave) meals while I stand at the cooker making proper food. I make enough for two, and sometimes he will ask if there's some for him, but generally sorts himself out. I never have that option to ask if there is anything for me. He hasn't cooked for me once in 15 years.

I feel like I might explode, but I just don't. I keep the rage inside. I have got to let him know how much this is affecting me. No doubt though he will think he is the hero today as I have had to keep my youngest off school and he is there with him, so I will have to be grateful for that....

Added to all of this, no sex in 11 years, and having checked my medical records to see when I was last on the pill - 2006 - not much at all in 15 years......

The answer is the most blinding obvious thing since the discovery of obvious things. Why can't I do it then??????!!

OP, you have my sympathy x

[quote Kindtomyself]@coodawoodashooda thanks for your honesty and no need to apologise. You’re right he doesn’t care about me[/quote]
It's heartbreaking stuff op. I know because i had to get rid of my parasite too. It's wonderful not being burdened by a useless oaf. That's not including his abusive crap too.

This helps to train your dc (who might be getting messages from dh that they can play incompetent and not have to help around the house) and might get your dh to up his game.

This is really important, my STBX was in hospital for a week and I realised how much easier it was to run the house, and support the kids to take some responsibility, when he’s not here. I can say as much as I like but when they watch him not picking up after himself, living like a child they simply followed his lead and left it all to me.

While it’ll be more work living on my own with the kids, it’ll be easier because I won’t have him to pick up after or have him undermining me with his behaviour.

The answer is the most blinding obvious thing since the discovery of obvious things. Why can't I do it then??????!!

Because ripping the plaster off is very hard, you know the disruption it’ll cause and change isn’t easy. But, look to the future and see and yourself living in a calm, orderly home - you’re doing all the work now anyway - and maybe even the possibility of intimacy with someone else who isn’t a child.

I’d literally do none of it. I’d go on strike and tell him it’s his problem for 2 weeks since he thinks it’s “nagging”