At risk of sounding shallow

[stillvicarinatutu]

Would you date a man who was lovely , funny, smart, clearly adored you but is obese .

I ask as I'm meeting someone for a walk and a coffee , it's online dating and this will be our first meeting although we facetime , talk on phone and text , he makes me laugh so much , he's kind, sweet, sharp as a tack , he clearly wants a relationship and is losing weight at a rate of knots - like 7lb over 3 weeks . He put the weight on as he became agoraphobic, but he has overcome this which I think shows amazing courage . He loves clothes and has a fab wardrobe waiting for him when he loses a few stone ....
(He's more into clothes than me ! I'm a high street girl !)
I've made it clear until we meet I've no idea if he's friend zoned or not ....

Would someone being about 5 stone overweight bother you from an attraction point of view ?

I'm not overweight at all. I'm no Kate moss but I've always kept my weight down even when it's been a struggle sometimes.

I am encouraging him with his weight loss because he wants to do it and had already started that journey before we met ....

If he was happy at the size he is I'd not think about it but I'd probably not find him physically attractive either ....

Thoughts please.

Gosh, Onwards could have nailed it. Reading your original post OP sounds like it. A cyber life coach type thing or cyber friendship. Not wanting to meet at the cinema and using £ as an excuse seems a strong sign of onwards take and the pp who said he was more of a project…

@OnwardsAndSideways1

OP, I've been online dating myself, so unfortunately I recognize the signs...

I think it's very unlikely you will ever meet this guy. He is agoraphobic and doesn't want to meet because of the weather (I bet you would have put on a mac and gone), the cinema is too expensive, and he's just sold his car as he doesn't use it- how about using it to drive to see you?!

He's happy with what you have, an online flirty fun experience, which doesn't actually challenge him to get out there and live in the real world.

A lot of people use online dating for chatting and socializing but often don't go the next step and want to meet up. Their needs are being met by the type of interaction they already have.

I could be wrong and you could come back in a few weeks and tell us you met up with him several times and it's all going swimmingly, but I very much doubt it. He's not wanting to step outside his house, so you dating is just not going to be a possibility.

A lot of men online seem to me to seek out women, chat for a bit, but lack the skills to really emotionally engage and take things forward, it's happened to me a couple of times. Whether it be because they've been hurt in the past, or have issues, it doesn't really matter- you need someone up for dating, wanting to actively travel and participate in your life and form a full relationship. I don't think this will be it, although if you are happy to be friends, and stop the fake romantic promises, and just hang out online for company, that's an option.

Spot on, I think.

Onwardsandsideways1 is probably right on the money.

Also what Onwards saying as this being quite common on online dating made me think of my last online dating experience. I’d been having some banter with a chap for a few weeks but was getting a little stressed about distance involved in meeting up. He said oh don’t worry I never expected us to (!). I was amazed!!

That explains why so many men are on there for years!

I signed up to an online dating website a few weeks ago, the last time being eight years ago and I recognised many faces, literally with the same photos.

I do think some people just like to chat and make online ‘friends.’

I have agoraphobia. Just as an aside, the cinema could be a big trigger for him and he might not want to put you off and has clumsily tried to think of an excuse. I haven't been for years, nor hairdressers, concerts, certain restaurants, upstairs of shops etc.
Id tread carefully aswell, you could be good friends and boost his confidence as well , but be careful you don't become his crutch. My mum and dh have been so so kind and supportive but in reality they need to say 'no, I won't collect your prescription ' or 'go to the supermarket yourself'. What they are doing and have done has come from a place of absolute love, but the easier they make things for me, the more reliant I become. And I'm lucky that I know that and I keep giving things a go. Good luck!

He can't afford the cinema? It sounds like too much hard work.

When I was dating I chatted to this man for a few weeks. Normal chatting, he seemed really keen and we had arranged to meet for one drink early in the evening. He said he had an emergency at work so cancelled but didn't suggest an alternative day and he could have just nipped for 1 drink. I didn't hear from him again.

@OnwardsAndSideways1

OP, I've been online dating myself, so unfortunately I recognize the signs...

I think it's very unlikely you will ever meet this guy. He is agoraphobic and doesn't want to meet because of the weather (I bet you would have put on a mac and gone), the cinema is too expensive, and he's just sold his car as he doesn't use it- how about using it to drive to see you?!

He's happy with what you have, an online flirty fun experience, which doesn't actually challenge him to get out there and live in the real world.

A lot of people use online dating for chatting and socializing but often don't go the next step and want to meet up. Their needs are being met by the type of interaction they already have.

I could be wrong and you could come back in a few weeks and tell us you met up with him several times and it's all going swimmingly, but I very much doubt it. He's not wanting to step outside his house, so you dating is just not going to be a possibility.

A lot of men online seem to me to seek out women, chat for a bit, but lack the skills to really emotionally engage and take things forward, it's happened to me a couple of times. Whether it be because they've been hurt in the past, or have issues, it doesn't really matter- you need someone up for dating, wanting to actively travel and participate in your life and form a full relationship. I don't think this will be it, although if you are happy to be friends, and stop the fake romantic promises, and just hang out online for company, that's an option.

No it was me who said I'm not driving in this storm . It wasn't Mac weather . He is going out and he is doing things - he is going to gigs and concerts, has tickets booked for a comedian at a theatre, he would definitely meet me I'm sure of that it the fact I've suddenly realised I'll be doing all the work here . I really do like him but the public transport links to my house from his are pants and that means realistically if I do t drive , either to his or to fetch him here , I won't see him and I do y want all that work - I'd happily be a friend I think because it's not as big a commitment. He suggested cinema weeks ago , he has therapy every 2 weeks. He's now getting out and about .

@stillvicarinatutu we've chatted on and off here over the years. You deserve some good luck but I really don't think this is the man for you. Too many issues (and I'm not talking about the weight) and can't afford a cinema ticket on a first date.

You'd be propping him up emotionally and financially forever.

I wouldn't even friendzone tbh. He will always want more.

It is amazing that he's going out so much and doing all these things, he really has my complete respect for that. Do you know how long he's suffered with agoraphobia for?

I've actually only just thought about it .....but next weekend I said I'd pick him up , bring him to my village for lunch and run him home later .

That's a two hour chunk out of my day . He lives 30 mins away . So an hour there and back each time . He has no car now and it wouldn't be fair to steer him to use public transport which would be very complicated and with the agoraphobia wouldn't be fair .

I've messaged today saying that I only get 3 weekends out of 6 off and if we just wanted an evening meal together or a drink then the onus would always be on me to travel .
I've said I'm not saying we shouldn't meet but practically- we need to think about this without running before walking - but it's still going to be me doing all the travel .

Minnie

7 years

Goodness the debate kicked off about dating and bigotry. I think it’s a really interesting conversation. I do think some sexual preferences are undeniably rooted in prejudice - for example, many people say they’d be put off a man who who was feminine and hairless, or liked to cross dress, or was bisexual. That is prejudice and probably rooted in homophobia/biphobia - but it is also OK to feel unattracted sexually to such men, and not have sex with them.

Scottish was a silly example to use and I could have said black or Chinese instead. There is a difference between “I’d never date Chinese or black men, I just don’t like them” - that’s clearly racist - and “generally I don’t find black or Chinese men physically attractive, but if I met one I clicked with, I would of course date them.”

The second statement you can swap the race for fat/bisexual/skinny/feminine/Scottish/poor/disabled etc etc.

I do think to not even consider dating someone of any attribute is prejudiced. But to know that you generally don’t find a certain trait sexually attractive, while also being open and willing to dating someone with that trait if you found that person attractive, is fine and pretty normal. It’s also good to be aware of your unconscious biases and why you feel that way. For me, yes, I probably am a bit fatphobic. I can admit that. I don’t look at fat men and fancy them - but if I met one who completely bowled me over then of course I would date him.

@stillvicarinatutu

I am really into him , I've never met anyone who makes me laugh so much. He's so funny and kind , and he's a bit naughty in a lovely way that makes me smile, he thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread and treats me with absolute respect . And he fancies me . He makes me feel special . The weather may scupper out meeting however as it's due to snow ! Bugger .

Um, you don't know any of this. You've never even met him let alone spent any time together. Worry about his weight when you've actually been on a few dates.

“Yes it’s amazing that he’s going out and doing all these things”

but not with you.

you’re working so hard OP. To like him, to meet him, to make him attractive, to defend him to strangers…. though you’ve never met him.

You are doing way too much and assuming way too much. Talk is cheap. All he’s proved so far is he can’t meet you because it’s too expensive

Well I've asked him to suggest somewhere near him for lunch next Saturday.
I aren't prepared to do a two hour trip . Have alluded to the fact this may be difficult with only me driving .
No reply so far .

Why'd you keep saying "I aren't"?

I think although he seems nice online (I still maintain it's not real life though) something's giving you warning signs, listen to your gut here, when I was OLD sometimes I would get that spidey feeling and usually ignored it, I should have listened to my instincts more!

@MWNA

Why'd you keep saying "I aren't"?

Because she isn't, and its a way of saying 'I am not'. Obviously.

He's said he would never have said that to me - as I my misgivings in the travel front .
Says he would push himself out of his comfort zone and use the train .
He's asked if I have cold feet .

I'm just gonna leave it tonight.

I'd love to be a man sometimes.

Alcoholic? MH issues? Unattractively fat? Etc. Some woman will come along and try to love you.

All this 'enabling', its honestly sad though.

He suggested the cinema weeks ago, is paying for gigs etc for himself, and thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread, but can’t save/prioritise cash for his own cinema ticket for your first date?

sorry OP, that wasn't directed at you, just a general

He's said he would never have said that to me - as I my misgivings in the travel front.

That seems a bit guilt-trippy of him.

I very much hope I am wrong! Online dating is a bit of a minefield and it's hard to translate those chats into nice dates often, not even sure why sometimes, people seem to want to date...but don't.

One thing sticks out- why did he get rid of his car? If he's not used to using public transport, then it seems the obvious thing to do, to drive places like to see you. He might have financial reasons, I guess, just seems a bit odd.

The most important thing though is for you two to meet up. You can't know anything if you don't meet and test whether there's a bit of chemistry on the first or second date. All of this is pie in the sky without that. Hopefully he will come up with a mid-way place you can meet for starters.