At risk of sounding shallow

[stillvicarinatutu]

Would you date a man who was lovely , funny, smart, clearly adored you but is obese .

I ask as I'm meeting someone for a walk and a coffee , it's online dating and this will be our first meeting although we facetime , talk on phone and text , he makes me laugh so much , he's kind, sweet, sharp as a tack , he clearly wants a relationship and is losing weight at a rate of knots - like 7lb over 3 weeks . He put the weight on as he became agoraphobic, but he has overcome this which I think shows amazing courage . He loves clothes and has a fab wardrobe waiting for him when he loses a few stone ....
(He's more into clothes than me ! I'm a high street girl !)
I've made it clear until we meet I've no idea if he's friend zoned or not ....

Would someone being about 5 stone overweight bother you from an attraction point of view ?

I'm not overweight at all. I'm no Kate moss but I've always kept my weight down even when it's been a struggle sometimes.

I am encouraging him with his weight loss because he wants to do it and had already started that journey before we met ....

If he was happy at the size he is I'd not think about it but I'd probably not find him physically attractive either ....

Thoughts please.

PP worrying about an obese person’s ‘health issues’, these are not an absolute given. My XH went on about my obesity on the grounds of ‘worrying about your health’ but that was a lie, he just didn’t fancy me any more (the feeling was mutual). At 60 XH now has multiple health issues, some of which were brought on by knackering his back doing weights and his digestive system following faddy diets, while I have none (touching wood). Go figure, Mr Perfect!

Anecdotal evidence alert of course, but people who don’t fancy fat people should be honest about that, not dress it up as something else.

I think if you'd rule out people purely due to their race then yes, it's got to stem from some racism underlying. Even if you're pretty cool otherwise. Everyone's got unconscious bias and it's something to acknowledge & work on.

But obviously it's a hot button for many to name it.

I mean, ruling fat people out purely cos they're fat is sizeist.

Not saying anyone should be forced to try to make themselves attracted to anyone, tho.

But if you automatically rule out entire groups rather than seeing people as individuals, it's probably something you should question in your own attitudes.

@IDontLikeMondays88

I think you are going to down a slippery slope there. Is it really ok to write off whole group of people based on race/nationality/accents. I would say this is bigotry and if the example used was anything other than Scottish the comments on this thread wouldn’t be accepted

Not wanting to have sex with someone is NEVER bigotry.

[quote IDontLikeMondays88]@5128gap ok I get that but I’m not sure “being Scottish” should be lumped in there with a list of other unattractive physical attributes. that is bigotry.[/quote]
Not if 'being Scottish' makes a person unattractive to you sexually.

@category12

I think if you'd rule out people purely due to their race then yes, it's got to stem from some racism underlying. Even if you're pretty cool otherwise. Everyone's got unconscious bias and it's something to acknowledge & work on.

But obviously it's a hot button for many to name it.

I mean, ruling fat people out purely cos they're fat is sizeist.

Not saying anyone should be forced to try to make themselves attracted to anyone, tho.

But if you automatically rule out entire groups rather than seeing people as individuals, it's probably something you should question in your own attitudes.

Why should I question it? I have no interest in making myself try to have sex with someone I'm not attracted to. Why should I do that? That's what we are talking about after all - people we want to have sex with or don't want to.

The bit you should question is where it's coming from, and why you feel that way, and whether it could affect your interactions with Scottish people generally.

"Oh, seems like I have a bit of prejudice against Scottish people, I wonder if it's because, I dunno, Rab C Nesbitt scared me as a kid" - and make sure it doesn't play into how you deal with Scottish people day to day.

I'm not saying you should try to find sexual attraction for a Scottish person.

Bit of nuance here.

@category12

The bit you should question is where it's coming from, and why you feel that way, and whether it could affect your interactions with Scottish people generally.

"Oh, seems like I have a bit of prejudice against Scottish people, I wonder if it's because, I dunno, Rab C Nesbitt scared me as a kid" - and make sure it doesn't play into how you deal with Scottish people day to day.

I'm not saying you should try to find sexual attraction for a Scottish person.

Bit of nuance here.

I think most people can differentiate between things that make their fanny shrivel and things that make them behave like arseholes to other people. I don't fancy 98% of people I see. Half of them are the wrong sex but of those that aren't it might be their shoes, their hair, their accent, their weight, their smell, any number of things. None of that means I'll treat them any lesser as a person. People who reject whole groups of people as sexual partners because they are actually racist are a vanishingly small number.

I think you're vastly underestimating the power of unconscious bias.

@IDontLikeMondays88

So really what everyone is saying is that if you say either of the below statements that is not racist or bigotry:

I will not date black men
I will not date people from China

Then that is not racism/bigotry that is just personal preference?? Really??

Or is it just when it’s the Scots it is ok to say these things?

Its contextual. If someone says I won't date black men because they are all (insert stereotype) that's obviously racist. If someone says I won't date black men because I'm only attracted to red haired men with freckles, or to women, then its not.

Same as any sort of bias against people due to their size, race, religion all the rest of them, your loss.

I'm obese, and fucking amazing. I am kind, thoughtful, understanding, amazing mother, brilliant career, hilarious and whilst I am not perfect, there's a lot bloody worse. If someone decided not to date me based on my size, absolutely their loss. Thankfully I've not had that issue and I'm in a very content and happy relationship

Hi OP,
I really hope you get to meet your date today.

I know it is a question that has given rise to lots of opinions but I wanted to tell you my story. I have met someone through online dating, we talked online for 2 months due to lockdown and he stood out by miles from all the other messages and men I had spoken to online because his messages were witty and interesting. We met and I didn't think I was physically attracted but there was something about him that grabbed me. We talked non stop , met again, and well we are still seeing each other 8 months later and are madly in love. He is about 5 stone overweight, not actively losing weight but he did lose about 8 stone through SW about 4 years ago. The weight is just not something I see when I am with him. I have to be honest, it does make sex a little tricky but he is very giving and I accept this is how its going to be. He is perfect for me in so many ways.

I know there are health issues associated with being obese (and I am approx 3 stone overweight too) but to find someone who gets me so well, who loves me as much as I love and fancy him is just so amazing and special. He is so much more than his weight, he is loving and caring, kind, sharp and funny, patient and supportive. Everything I need.

I would love to know who your date went OP.

I think he sounds lovely.

Really hope your date goes well.

I would never say that I couldn’t be attracted to someone who is obese because I don’t know! It’s like saying that I could never be attracted to someone with brown hair.

I'd not be physically attracted to an obese man. It's just not my type, I like athletic men. So I'd not date him, but I'd be his friend if I got on as well as it sounds like you do, and see how it goes. Maybe a physical attraction will develop in time, if not, you've got a good friend anyway.

Do let us know how it went!

Due to the inclement weather it's not happening today .

I did suggest we change venue from country park to cinema but he said he couldn't afford it .

That bothers me a wee bit actually. I started to offer to buy the drinks / snacks if he could get his ticket ( when did the cinema become so expensive!!!).
I knew he wasn't on a huge wage , but ....I'd have been using my petrol , he got rid of his car last week because he didn't go anywhere in it .

He really is a lovely bloke but at this rate , I'm thinking we're going to be friends . I'm not sure I want a relationship that's so unequal in so many ways - I'd be doing all the driving , travelling, it looks like I'm on a much better salary, although we are paid at different times of the month and I accept this is close to his pay day , but this is without the other issues. I e already paid for tickets for something else although I trust fully he will pay his half when paid next week .

He really is a nice bloke but these little things in isolation feel bigger when added up . He's the first guy in 2 years I've connected withon any level - most conversations just dry up even as friends .

There are a lot of negatives here. In fact the only positive is that he knows how to make conversation. Many men are bad at that, at least initially so the ones that are articulate often make us feel there is a connection, when in truth they just have good interpersonal skills. A connection is also about shared interests, values, lifestyle compatability etc.

@stillvicarinatutu

Due to the inclement weather it's not happening today .

I did suggest we change venue from country park to cinema but he said he couldn't afford it .

That bothers me a wee bit actually. I started to offer to buy the drinks / snacks if he could get his ticket ( when did the cinema become so expensive!!!).
I knew he wasn't on a huge wage , but ....I'd have been using my petrol , he got rid of his car last week because he didn't go anywhere in it .

He really is a lovely bloke but at this rate , I'm thinking we're going to be friends . I'm not sure I want a relationship that's so unequal in so many ways - I'd be doing all the driving , travelling, it looks like I'm on a much better salary, although we are paid at different times of the month and I accept this is close to his pay day , but this is without the other issues. I e already paid for tickets for something else although I trust fully he will pay his half when paid next week .

He really is a nice bloke but these little things in isolation feel bigger when added up . He's the first guy in 2 years I've connected withon any level - most conversations just dry up even as friends .

Oh if he's not got enough money for a cinema ticket for a first date, I'd give him a swerve tbh.

Depends how obese. My DH is 17 stone and a couple of stone overweight but he's 6 foot 2 and broad. He doesn't look fat at all, just large. 25 stone and over is different.

Am I the only person who thinks that printing off your picture from the dating website before you've even met is a bit weird? That would put me off more than any weight issues if I'm honest.

@wobblywinelover

Am I the only person who thinks that printing off your picture from the dating website before you've even met is a bit weird? That would put me off more than any weight issues if I'm honest.

No, it is pretty weird, agreed.

@wobblywinelover

Am I the only person who thinks that printing off your picture from the dating website before you've even met is a bit weird? That would put me off more than any weight issues if I'm honest.

I feel the same as you. This is an example of talking too much before meeting up. He's told you about so many different issues that now you'll feel a bit guilty if you say you aren't interested. Whether that's him being a chronic oversharer or being manipulative on purpose, the outcome is the same - a dynamic where he puts himself down to you and you take on the role of carer / enabler. It's such an uneven dynamic and it's not even off the ground yet.

Too much, too deep, too soon.

I think self acceptance and having a good perspective is very attractive

Agree with PreviousPoster here.

We've all met that man or woman who is a overweight but is somehow v attractive and has an inner confidence and light, and perhaps thats why.

Abusing yourself with things - alcohol, food, etc is perhaps what is less attractive, or at least sad. I think therapy for self-appreciation is best for that.

None of my b/fs have been fat. But the other day I was in a shop and having a discussion with the chubby male owner. Never thought of him as attractive, but something about him shone through (though I suspect he may have some kind of low level depression),so who knows. Perhaps fatter women are more acceptable. Though older, bigger men are attractive I think - think old Hollywood - Jack Nicholson, Marlon Brando etc.

A good thread OP for raising these questions. But I think you are way-over invested and getting carried away with someone you haven't met myself. The cinema ticket is a case in point, a very poor show for a first date that he can't even pay for his own bloody ticket.

yes i think no money to pay for cinema (assuming its not ODEON IMAX WEST END - £20 per ticket) is a sign he is probably not for you.

No car, you drive everywhere, pay for everything, its not really going to be working for you. He is a project.

@wobblywinelover

Am I the only person who thinks that printing off your picture from the dating website before you've even met is a bit weird? That would put me off more than any weight issues if I'm honest.

I thought it weird too and, IMO, it plays in to what I said up there about this guy putting more responsibility on OP than he should.

OP, I've been online dating myself, so unfortunately I recognize the signs...

I think it's very unlikely you will ever meet this guy. He is agoraphobic and doesn't want to meet because of the weather (I bet you would have put on a mac and gone), the cinema is too expensive, and he's just sold his car as he doesn't use it- how about using it to drive to see you?!

He's happy with what you have, an online flirty fun experience, which doesn't actually challenge him to get out there and live in the real world.

A lot of people use online dating for chatting and socializing but often don't go the next step and want to meet up. Their needs are being met by the type of interaction they already have.

I could be wrong and you could come back in a few weeks and tell us you met up with him several times and it's all going swimmingly, but I very much doubt it. He's not wanting to step outside his house, so you dating is just not going to be a possibility.

A lot of men online seem to me to seek out women, chat for a bit, but lack the skills to really emotionally engage and take things forward, it's happened to me a couple of times. Whether it be because they've been hurt in the past, or have issues, it doesn't really matter- you need someone up for dating, wanting to actively travel and participate in your life and form a full relationship. I don't think this will be it, although if you are happy to be friends, and stop the fake romantic promises, and just hang out online for company, that's an option.