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Original poster

DH has had his girlfriend round, I know it

308 replies

Mantua · 22/11/2021 21:19

Been away for a few weeks helping family out and DH stayed due to work commitments/ to look after the dogs. We’ve been in an open relationship for a few years now (his instigation, all one sided, I can live with it). I did have a thread about it some time back but won’t link to that as I came across as ridiculously blinkered then. I am more realistic about things now .

Anyway, I think he brought his current partner here whilst I was away. I don’t have any hard evidence but I overheard something that suggests she was here. Am I being paranoid? I’m not ready to ask him outright.

I did agree to an open relationship but not in my home.

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 22/11/2021 21:21

How would we know if you are being paranoid or not?

Original poster
Mantua · 22/11/2021 21:22

@LuluBlakey1

How would we know if you are being paranoid or not?
I guess you wouldn’t. I should have worded the entire post better, I see that.
OP posts:
justabigdisco · 22/11/2021 21:23

Hard to know if you are being paranoid, but what’s clear about your post is how uncomfortable you are with the whole arrangement. To me it doesn’t sound like an ‘open relationship’ (which suggests mutuality) but ‘having a bit on the side without consequence’. Is this really what you want from life?

PlanDeRaccordement · 22/11/2021 21:25

Unless you specifically discussed that the other woman cannot be in your home even when you are away, then I don’t think you have a leg to stand on.

I don’t think you can live in an open relationship because you should be ok just asking him?

Original poster
Mantua · 22/11/2021 21:26

I don’t want to ask him not because I don’t feel like I can ask because I’m not sure if I want to know, iyswim?

OP posts:
daretodenim · 22/11/2021 21:28

It's not really an open relationship if you're not into it. Open relationships are tor both parties to be free abd far more importantly, both parties need to be positively willing.

If not, it's hard to avoid the situation you're in.

If you had a rule that no other partners are to be brought home, then there's been a betrayal on the contract. However, to me that seems like the least of your problems.

What is it about an open relationship that you find satisfying and makes you feel a warm glow inside?

(I'm not against open relationships at all - I know they can work well. This doesn't sound like that scenario).

Comedycook · 22/11/2021 21:28

I think the location of their encounters is the least of your problems to be honest.

cakecakecheese · 22/11/2021 21:29

This doesn't sound like an open relationship, it sounds like he has a free pass to cheat on you.

Lolalovesroses · 22/11/2021 21:30

What did you overhear?

Firesidefox · 22/11/2021 21:30

I would not continue this relationship. It sounds miserable for you.

Original poster
Mantua · 22/11/2021 21:30

Yes, I agree with all that. But I agreed to it. What I didn’t agree with is him bringing women here.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 22/11/2021 21:31

He is fairly having his cake and eating it. It wouldn’t be a surprise for him to please his plums if you were away. While the cat is away and all that.

He is doing what he likes with your blessing. No kindness there from him.

Why would he be kind and loving enough to care about your wishes with regards to anyone else being in your home?

I’m sorry. Each to their own and all that. Is the open relationship for him only?

Personally I would wish better for you. For anyone. Flowers

MushMonster · 22/11/2021 21:31

You need to figure out whether you do want to know or not.
To be honest, if you do not mind him having other partners, the place does not really matter.
Bring the subject up in conversation, saying you are ok with the open relationship but never under the same roof you live in. That is your space. So that should sort future scenarios.

RaisedByPangolins · 22/11/2021 21:31

It’s not really an open relationship if you can’t be open with him and he can’t be open with you.

Honestly the most important thing with these arrangements is total honesty. If you can’t ask because you don’t want to know the answer then you might be happier just splitting.

What is it that keeps you with him despite him having another relationship on the side? No judgment, just so that we can understand what we’re dealing with here before we give you advice.

Original poster
Mantua · 22/11/2021 21:33

I overheard him telling the dogs that OW missed them. Sounds stupid, I know, but he didn’t know I was downstairs and he does talk to the dogs all the time. There are also teabags in the house now and no one here drinks hot tea.

OP posts:
RaisedByPangolins · 22/11/2021 21:33

What I didn’t agree with is him bringing women here. so he has violated the terms of your agreement.

RaisedByPangolins · 22/11/2021 21:34

@Mantua

I overheard him telling the dogs that OW missed them. Sounds stupid, I know, but he didn’t know I was downstairs and he does talk to the dogs all the time. There are also teabags in the house now and no one here drinks hot tea.
Make him a cup of tea and see what he says! What a prick, outing himself to the fucking dogs.
HollowTalk · 22/11/2021 21:35

Why the hell are you putting up with this shit? You have basically given him permission to sleep with other women as long as it's not in your bed and then he goes and does it in your bed! Get rid of that pig. Your life will be so much better.

NynaeveSedai · 22/11/2021 21:35

The core tenet of an open relationship is no secrets
You aren't having an open relationship you're having a relationship where you turn a blind eye to him cheating
I'm sorry but if you can't ask this then your relationship is in big trouble

Lolalovesroses · 22/11/2021 21:37

You need to reiterate that whilst you will tolerate him having girlfriends, you will not tolerate him bringing them to your home. It's very disrespectful.

Mantlemoose · 22/11/2021 21:38

But did you make it clear he wasn't to bring her to your home?

cakecakecheese · 22/11/2021 21:38

You presumably agreed to this to keep him. I'm sorry but you haven't kept him. He has a relationship with someone else now. You can't continue to be treated like a doormat. That's not what an open relationship is.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 22/11/2021 21:38

See flower that would have been off limits for me too.

No crossing of boundaries and infiltration into his life with you. She doesn’t get to meet kids/dogs/family/neighbours. She doesn’t get to play happy families.

It is bad enough that he is cheating. And he is. In full view.

Get him out on his arse. And keep your dogs.

RandomMess · 22/11/2021 21:39

Why would you rather stay in the relationship as it is now rather then divorce?

How are you going to feel if he ends up ending the marriage to be with OW? How do you know he isn't testing the waters to see if he'd rather be with her and is simply getting his ducks in a row with your blessing due to your naivety

Original poster
Mantua · 22/11/2021 21:43

I’ve known about OW for a while and I have accepted it. We’re not divorcing, we have discussed it and it isn’t what either of us want.

We agreed at the start of the open relationship that his encounters would be in hotels and no overnights. I didn’t think I had to get him to explicitly agree not to bring the OW back to our home and let her bond with our dogs.

OP posts: