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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has had his girlfriend round, I know it

308 replies

Mantua · 22/11/2021 21:19

Been away for a few weeks helping family out and DH stayed due to work commitments/ to look after the dogs. We’ve been in an open relationship for a few years now (his instigation, all one sided, I can live with it). I did have a thread about it some time back but won’t link to that as I came across as ridiculously blinkered then. I am more realistic about things now .

Anyway, I think he brought his current partner here whilst I was away. I don’t have any hard evidence but I overheard something that suggests she was here. Am I being paranoid? I’m not ready to ask him outright.

I did agree to an open relationship but not in my home.

OP posts:
NeverTheHootenanny · 22/11/2021 21:44

But I agreed to it. What I didn’t agree with is him bringing women here*

So when you agreed an open relationship, did you agree set terms then, one of which was not to bring women back to the house?

Is him bringing someone back the main issue here though? Are you actually comfortable being in an open relationship? It sounds pretty one sided.

NeverTheHootenanny · 22/11/2021 21:44

Sorry, cross posted

Original poster
Mantua · 22/11/2021 21:45

It is completely one sided but it is a compromise we both came to and it worked well until he met this particular OW a few months ago.

OP posts:
NeverTheHootenanny · 22/11/2021 21:46

In what way is he compromising though?

Sillyotter · 22/11/2021 21:48

I think I remember your other thread. Is this the same one that he’s now started introducing to other people etc?

Either way it’s still all going to come down to the fact you’re residing yourself to being miserable as long as you keep going along with this one sided arrangement. It’s going to continue eating away at you slowly unless you do something

Branleuse · 22/11/2021 21:48

Sounds like you need to renegotiate your agreement with him and make him clear about dealbreakers.

Wildrobin · 22/11/2021 21:49

You need to say something if not happy with this. It’s clear you aren’t paranoid as you have your answer clearly from the comment to the dogs and appearance of teabags surely

NynaeveSedai · 22/11/2021 21:50

He's changing the terms of the relationship. The fact that you call her an OW shows you know this. Time to pull up your big girl pants and face it with him.

MrsMo21 · 22/11/2021 21:51

@Branleuse

Sounds like you need to renegotiate your agreement with him and make him clear about dealbreakers.
This.
Original poster
Mantua · 22/11/2021 21:51

@Sillyotter

I think I remember your other thread. Is this the same one that he’s now started introducing to other people etc?

Either way it’s still all going to come down to the fact you’re residing yourself to being miserable as long as you keep going along with this one sided arrangement. It’s going to continue eating away at you slowly unless you do something

Yes, she has met some of his friends and colleagues/ clients but I think only in the capacity of an acquaintance, not his OW.

She has also met his dad, who is getting on, infirm but mentally sharp and probably knew exactly who she was.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/11/2021 21:53

Just because you both agreed that you didn't want to divorce he may well change his mind.

Seriously he is introducing her to everyone, having her stay in your home.

Wake up he's changed the rules he has a new partner not an open relationship for sex.

pennysays · 22/11/2021 21:53

If this situation works for you then you have to talk to him about it. You can state the rules once and then never address them again, they need to be reiterated, kept alive, it requires communication. It won’t work if you don’t trust him. So sit him down and talk to him about it. Tell him how you’re feeling, approach it as a team. Check in that this is till working for you. This is your marriage, you’re in the primary relationship. He needs to value it. But you also have to hold him to account!

You don’t want to ask him because you don’t want to know? Because you’re scared he might leave you? Then you need to talk to him about this. You’re supposed to be a team. He told you he wants to be with you, but you’re feeling insecure and like the ground rules have been violated. TALK TO HIM. What’s the worst that will happen? He will say he wants to leave? If it’s the case then it will happen whether or not you raise this with him.

Good luck.

Mantlemoose · 22/11/2021 21:54

So, you did make it clear then it was to be in hotels. Now she's met friends, colleagues, clients and his DD? You're being phased out I'm afraid.

BloodyAlarms · 22/11/2021 21:54

Oh OP, you sound so sad. Do you really want to continue with this ?

grapewine · 22/11/2021 21:55

Is this the one he said he's in love with and is going to keep seeing no matter what you say?

She's met his dad, OP. Come on.

ZenNudist · 22/11/2021 21:56

It sounds like he's phasing her in. Eventually he won't want you there and you will be out on your ear. I suggest you get out there and get yourself some of that sauce for the goose/gander. Or just divorce him and claim back a shred of dignity.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 22/11/2021 21:56

If it’s supposed to be an “open relationship” then why don’t you just ask him?! What is his incentive to lie? He’s clearly not even attempting to keep this a secret from you. He’ll either just say yes so you have your answer or no and you have a gaslighter answer a cheater.

Clymene · 22/11/2021 21:57

He just doesn't give a fuck about you. Why is your relationship with him worth this? He must have a golden cock

greenlynx · 22/11/2021 21:57

I think you need to start the divorce planning. The problem is that there are 3 people in your agreement now and you are in minority.
Sorry.

Monalotmoore · 22/11/2021 21:58

Naïve

BeaucoupFish · 22/11/2021 22:00

What is the point of being in a relationship like this ? Getting less than zero respect from your partner ? He’s disrespecting you and your safety net …your home .
You deserve so much better OP

theremustonlybeone · 22/11/2021 22:02

oh god why are you willing to live like this? A one sided open relationship....are you so dependant on this man that your happy to put up with this shit?

LethargeMarg · 22/11/2021 22:04

I remember your previous thread and I really think for your sanity and dignity you really need to reassess. I know that you were adamant you didn't want to split up and saw it as a still happy relationship but it's obviously having a really negative effect on you. I'd be heartbroken if dh talked to our pets about another woman .

Nancydrawn · 22/11/2021 22:06

@Mantua

I overheard him telling the dogs that OW missed them. Sounds stupid, I know, but he didn’t know I was downstairs and he does talk to the dogs all the time. There are also teabags in the house now and no one here drinks hot tea.
A. This isn't something that you agreed to, and any relationship needs to have a conversation when it comes close to a boundary.

B. This is emotional intimacy.

C. You're allowed at any point to tell him that an open relationship isn't working for you any more.

Bananarama21 · 22/11/2021 22:06

You been taken for a mug is the crumbs your getting really adequate ? He's making her the main fixture in his life and will cast you aside before long.