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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has had his girlfriend round, I know it

308 replies

Mantua · 22/11/2021 21:19

Been away for a few weeks helping family out and DH stayed due to work commitments/ to look after the dogs. We’ve been in an open relationship for a few years now (his instigation, all one sided, I can live with it). I did have a thread about it some time back but won’t link to that as I came across as ridiculously blinkered then. I am more realistic about things now .

Anyway, I think he brought his current partner here whilst I was away. I don’t have any hard evidence but I overheard something that suggests she was here. Am I being paranoid? I’m not ready to ask him outright.

I did agree to an open relationship but not in my home.

OP posts:
GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 22/11/2021 22:43

He's either moving the goalposts or you're not putting clear boundaries in place. Your home is your safe place and he's being extremely self centred or incredibly stupid to think the ow coming to the house is ok. Unless of course he's walked the dogs with her.

As for meeting friends and family, that would be a 'no' also. If I remember your previous thread it was an open marriage because he wanted sex. This isn't sex he's having with ow. It's a full on relationship, that would also be a no.

RedToothBrush · 22/11/2021 22:44

Saving the marriage?

What have you got left to save?

You don't communicate
You don't trust him
He's in love with someone else
He clearly doesn't respect you
He doesn't go away with you
You don't have a physical relationship

Whats left? Shared control of the joint bank account, some household bills and the roof over your head?

Do you think thats enough to hold you together 'til death do us part' ?

He auditioning for the 'better offer' to come along, whilst not having to sneak around doing it. You are the back up comfort blanket which will get ditched when a shiny new toy is found. Until then you are just convenient to hold on to ehilst he shops around for a new model.

friendlycat · 22/11/2021 22:45

I’m sorry to say but I don’t think this is sustainable in the long term. He’s building a relationship with the OW which is moving over time from way beyond a sexual outlet.

If he’s introduced her to friends, colleagues and family and now your home that’s not an open relationship for sex. It’s a full on relationship and the balance is shifting.

At some point I would think that he will question the whole basics of his life and relationship with you and judge this against what the OW and his relationship with her offers him. If the weight of the scales balance more in her favour he will surely then have to assess what benefit his relationship with you gives him which sounds more of a friendship.

It’s obviously making you unhappy but presumably him as well hence his involvement with OW. Therefore, it stands to reason that something needs to and will change going forward. Hence my assumption this situation isn’t sustainable as he gets deeper into his new relationship and recognises he wants a more fulfilling one than you can offer.

Realistically deep down I suspect you know this hence your reluctance to ask whether she’s been in the house whilst you have been away.

StrongbutTired00 · 22/11/2021 22:45

Absolutely this haha

Interrobanger · 22/11/2021 22:47

What would it mean for you if she had been in the house while you were away?

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 22/11/2021 22:48

I assume he is still with me for the same reason I am still with him- we love each other and enjoy our life together. He just needs sex whereas I do not.

But OP how is he in love with you if he's in love with her? It's not just about sex anymore.

MMmomDD · 22/11/2021 22:49

OP - you are still blinkered, or naive. And I don’t think you quite understand that for many people a relationship that is missing physical connection isn’t a fully satisfying relationship. And it won’t last.

He will tell you what you want to hear. And maybe for now he isn’t yet ready to leave.
And I think you need to let him go, OP.
He deserves to be happy with someone who can be a full partner to him.
You seem to think sex is just an itch that needs scratching. But it is more. At least for many people.

It is really sad - but I really don’t think your arrangement will last. And it’s not his fault he has fallen for the OW. Couples who have regular sex get attached. And that attachment is strengthened and reinforced over time. It’s in our genes, driven by years of evolution.
You don’t have that connection. So you will lose in the end.

You need to start thinking and planning your life on your own.

crowsfeet57 · 22/11/2021 22:49

I don’t want to ask him not because I don’t feel like I can ask because I’m not sure if I want to know, iyswim?

Would knowing for sure be worse than not knowing?

AngelinaFibres · 22/11/2021 22:49

I think I remember your last thread too. Everyone said to you then that this is how it would progress. At that point he was having a full emotional and sexual relationship with the OW outside your house , but in all your important family places. Now he has taken it up a notch and brought her into the most intimate space you have. Is the next step the one where he suggests you move into the weekend house he has been doing up and she moves into your family home. This must be agony for you. You can't just be a passenger in your own life. You would have a much better life without this mental torture.

FranceTeam · 22/11/2021 22:50

I think in an open relationship, I would agree that the Other Person should not come round to the house.

Although it can be difficult, if say you want to hook up with someone who can’t accommodate themselves, so someone has to take the hit.

foxgoosefinch · 22/11/2021 22:50

@TatianaBis

This isn't an open relationship: he's unfaithful and you tolerate it to hold on to the relationship.

The downside of doing so is always that the other partner finds someone they want to be with and ends the relationship anyway.

So this is where you are now.

^^ This, I’m afraid, OP.

At this point in an arrangement like this, it’s normally clear it can’t go in fur very much longer without something falling apart. I think it’s likely that at some point soon he may ask you for a divorce anyway, no matter what he’s said before now. The only other option for this ménage a trios at this stage is that he dumps her to stay with you. Right now he’s just making sure which way he’s going to jump. You probably know which way is most likely.

foxgoosefinch · 22/11/2021 22:50

*on for

RogueV · 22/11/2021 22:52

It’s not just sex.

StrongbutTired00 · 22/11/2021 22:54

Please please leave while you still have an ounce of dignity. This IS NOT going to end well. It’s never too late to start over, you still have many years to spend with a soul mate who is out there waiting for you who wouldn’t bear the thought of sleeping with another woman permission or no permission

Nopetryagain · 22/11/2021 22:55

OP I feel for you. Sounds like you agreed to a letting him have sex with someone else because you didn’t want to break up. However his having sex with someone else is now going to cause a break up.

How sad. You tried.

Please try to look after yourself now rather than try to salvage something that sounds over.

RandomMess · 22/11/2021 22:55
Thanks

The OW may want more from him and he has to choose or your self esteem may end up so rock bottom that his feelings change.

Please protect yourself. He has massively overstepped the very flimsy boundary that was there because he has really fallen for her and wants to spend as much time as possible with her.

starrynight21 · 22/11/2021 22:59

You love your life together ? But if "your life together" includes your husband taking his girlfriend to visit his Dad, bonding with your dogs , sleeping and having sex in your own bed.....what is left of this wonderful life together which you value so much ?

Oh dear, you've become the other woman in this relationship - someone on the side who he throws a few crumbs to. Sorry but anything would be better than this .

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 22/11/2021 23:01

what is left of this wonderful life together which you value so much ?

I was wondering this too. You're life together is dwindling.

MorganKitten · 22/11/2021 23:02

If it’s an open marriage she isn’t OW, it’s a poly relationship. But anyway, you need to go over the rules with him again, an open relationship can work but only if you both stick to rules and agree to respect each other.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 22/11/2021 23:05

@MorganKitten

If it’s an open marriage she isn’t OW, it’s a poly relationship. But anyway, you need to go over the rules with him again, an open relationship can work but only if you both stick to rules and agree to respect each other.
The problem is he's already fallen for her. That's not something you can control with rules. It's beyond that point now.
S1205 · 22/11/2021 23:07

@Bluntness100

I assume he is still with me for the same reason I am still with him- we love each other and enjoy our life together. He just needs sex whereas I do not

If this was true he wouldn’t be in love with someone else.

THIS. And I like your username. Wish I'd thought of it first 😄 No but on a serious note OP, please listen to everyone's advice. It's a road to nowhere, leaving you heartbroken and him moving on with the new woman that he is clearly already falling for. You deserve better. End of.
oviraptor21 · 22/11/2021 23:07

If you don't want the OW in your house you have every right to ask your DH to respect that. Don't skirt around the issue as it will eat away at you. Better to get the answer now, be it what you want to hear or not, and move on from a position of knowledge.

Cascais · 22/11/2021 23:08

It doesn't sound like you can live with it.

MrsSkimpole · 22/11/2021 23:12

OP, I also remember your previous thread.

What you agreed to at the outset isn't what's going on now. I'm really sorry. I'm afraid it was sort of inevitable that your husband would develop feelings for someone else. I can also believe that he doesn't want to break up your marriage any more than you do - breaking up marriages is miserable and expensive and uncomfortable and you end up with a smaller house at the end of it. That said, if you did end the marriage, you would be okay once you had allowed yourself to grieve for the life you thought you would continue to have.

But I am so sorry for you, as your husband is clearly having quite a nice time of it (with your blessing), and you're not having a very nice time of it at all.

I have absolutely no advice, but Flowers for you because whatever you do isn't going to make you happy at the moment.

NotaCoolMum · 22/11/2021 23:13

“He has assured me several times since I became aware of this woman, that he does not want to leave our marriage and he has no plans to change anything. “

Of course he doesn’t want to leave the marriage- he’s having his cake and eating it!

@Mantua

  • honestly- what are YOU getting out of this relationship?
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