DH has had his girlfriend round, I know it

[Mantua]

Been away for a few weeks helping family out and DH stayed due to work commitments/ to look after the dogs. We’ve been in an open relationship for a few years now (his instigation, all one sided, I can live with it). I did have a thread about it some time back but won’t link to that as I came across as ridiculously blinkered then. I am more realistic about things now .

Anyway, I think he brought his current partner here whilst I was away. I don’t have any hard evidence but I overheard something that suggests she was here. Am I being paranoid? I’m not ready to ask him outright.

I did agree to an open relationship but not in my home.

Just ask him. Your home is your home, he needs to keep his girlfriend out of it.

"@FallonCarringtonWannabe I think i commented on your last thread too. You need to prepare yourself for him leaving. At some point the ow will want more from him."

The Op is not a passenger here,they are in control of their own destiny. You can comment on many threads. Do not prepare an Op to be left, prepare an Op to leave.

"@tootootaataa Your home is your home, he needs to keep his girlfriend out of it."

@toot, it is actually also his own home. He is at liberty to entertain whom he sees fit, in his home, as is Op . It is a shared home.

it is actually also his own home. He is at liberty to entertain whom he sees fit, in his home, as is Op . It is a shared home.

And OPs husband agreed to keep his extramarital activities OUT of it.

@tootootaataa

Just ask him. Your home is your home, he needs to keep his girlfriend out of it.

It’s their home, not just hers, she doesn’t get to do leg decide who he permits in it, it should be done with mutual agreement,,but honestly, once you’ve agreed to your husband having other relationships just as a way to stay married to him, you’ve probably lost all ability to ask for any conesssions or respect from him.

i think you are being very daft OP. Why would he have another woman he is clearly in a relationship with, on the side?

He is getting his ducks in a row, and probably will divorce you.

This isnt just about sex anymore, if you push him he will probably tell you he loves her.

I remmeber your previous thread and think you have buried your head in the sand, further!

@Mantua

I assume he is still with me for the same reason I am still with him- we love each other and enjoy our life together. He just needs sex whereas I do not

He loves you like his MUM. You are family to him like his SISTER. He cherishes you like a FRIEND. I don’t know how else to spell this out to you - your romantic relationship with him is as dead as a DODO.

He doesn’t want to leave his mum/sister/friend hybrid, or whatever you are to him, because you are his family. But not in a romantic way. Those days are long gone. I’m struggling to fathom why you can’t see this.

You and H are in your 60’s and you each have your own successful businesses. You love H and see him as a fine person and good father/grandfather. You say that “life without him or as a couple is unthinkable,” and that your marriage “has a lot of good in it.”

Mantua, you have explained that in the later years of your long, busy marriage, your sex life dwindled and played out. You didn’t mind and thought H didn’t either. Neither of you mentioned the lack of sex for several years. I suspect when he approached you with his agenda to pursue casual sex, he was counting on your opting out of resuming relations, and knew you would accept anything he wanted to do as long as he stayed in the marriage.

It is odd that he didn’t address the sex issue for some years. I wonder if he was already having affairs but decided that having a free pass was much less hassle.

You don’t think the initial arrangement negatively impacted your marriage and family life, but I believe it was corrosive. You began “steeling yourself,” which surely damaged your emotional health. H was eating as much cake as he wanted, and has now formed a new primary emotional relationship. The way he is trashing your marriage and brazenly parading around with OW, he appears to have totally devalued and depersonalized you.

You are afraid to ask if H has brought OW into your home and shared your dear animals with her. You are afraid to face what that breach means:
*That, despite his lip service, he has no care or respect for you.
*That, if he would hurt you in this manner, then you must take action.
*That, if you fail to take action, you will further self-harm and reduce yourself to accept and comply when OW’s primary place in H’s life is enhanced and normalized.

Mantua, it is time to find your agency and anger. End this farce. You already have an active and meaningful professional, social and family life, and you can access individual counseling for further support. If you move on, you will survive and prevail.

8 pages without the OP - she has decided she isn't interested in hearing other views. Reminds me though of another poster who loved to enthral her audience with a long drawn out situation and only appear every now and again with an update .

It is odd that he didn’t address the sex issue for some years. I wonder if he was already having affairs but decided that having a free pass was much less hassle

I wondered this myself.

Honestly I don't think it matters what any of us here say. OP probably just wanted to write it down and get it off her chest. She knew what the responses would be. She's entitled to live her life as she sees fit, but I hope she knows that strangers on the internet would wish far more for her than this farce of a marriage.

@IamGusFring

8 pages without the OP - she has decided she isn't interested in hearing other views. Reminds me though of another poster who loved to enthral her audience with a long drawn out situation and only appear every now and again with an update .

Very unkind.

Nobody knows anybody on here, and any one poster could be a complete attention-seeking fruitcake.

However, I think that it's better to give them the benefit of the doubt, on balance. In this particular case, the OP has been married for aeons, her husband has slithered from an open marriage into another primary relationship, and most of the advice here is for her to leave the marriage. That is a massive thing to try to get your mind round, especially if you are not the kind of person to go steaming in and binning your husband (which the OP evidently isn't). Give her a break.

It sounds very likely she was there (unless they met for a dog walk but that doesn't explain the tea bags)

I too remember your original thread and hearing this about him talking to the dogs about her is making me feel awful for you, I would hate this. I hope this relationship will run it's course for your sake, this situation sounds horrendous.

@MollysDolly

The more you mull it over, the more you realise the bones of this.

DH checked out long ago. When OP checked out physically, wanting intimacy with him that little, she'd rather have him sleep with other people than stoop to being intimate with him herself. Imagine how that would feel if your partner said that to you.

I imagine (as I would) DH spoke to her then, in a "well, I want a partner, not a buddy, so this marriage is over" and OP then starts agreeing to anything and everything in order to keep up the married façade.

He's got a new girlfriend, and OP is still trying to dress this up as "my husband loves me and we're in a open relationship"

Whether he's just paying lip service to try and get a better divorce settlement, or whether he's just waiting for the nod from his girlfriend, OP hasn't cottoned on that she's already been phased out and she's no longer in a relationship. He has a girlfriend. His father's met her. His friends have met her. She's been staying over while OPs been away. No one is viewing OP as his partner any more. She's now seen as his ex wife who can't let go and still staying in the house.

OP, people will be looking at you with pity, and disbelief. Please get some dignity.

This ^

So to summarise. Hubby wanted to have his cake and eat it and OP has such low self esteem that she's prepared to stay with someone who has no respect for her and doesn't fancy her. Have I missed anything?

Mollysdolly has it spot on. The next step is leaving her and serving divorce papers on OP. She has been phased out and doesn´t realise.

Oh op.

Guess we will be seeing you in a couple of months time under a different name with the same problem.

How disaapointing for you

Sorry OP but this isn't 'an open relationship', you've just given him carte blanch to sleep with whoever he wants, as and when. If this was an open relationship, you'd be able to speak to him about his 'other partner(s)' and such, you're worried you're paranoid because you can't ask him if he brought the OW to your home!?!?

Course he doesn't want to leave the marriage - he's got the best of both worlds. Sex on a plate and someone sharing all the household duties (or doing the lion's share, however you split it) - why would he want to leave his cushy arrangement?

Why have you not set boundaries? Agreed to have open discussions around his OW? It sounds like you've yielded to this without truly understand the ramifications for you and your marriage, leave alone your mental health when he stomps all over your agreement.

Also - this is a 'compromise' on your part only - unless you consider him regularly getting laid a 'compromise'.

Poor bobble 🤔

@Deela14

Oh op.

Guess we will be seeing you in a couple of months time under a different name with the same problem.

How disaapointing for you

!

OP, I remember you. You were hoping that if you hung in the relationship he would get over his infatuation with this other woman.
It is clear that this is not going to happen.

You know this is just not just about sex with this woman. He is in a full relationship with this woman and he is moving now to incorporate her in all areas of his life.
You may love him, but he does not respect you. If he did he would at least keep this other relationship separate from the life you have together (friends/ family). But he isn't. She is becoming his partner in your social world.

His relationship with this women is eating your 'relationship' with him alive from the inside out.

I feel desperately for you. It must be a living hell to live like this.

A successful open marriage requires huge amounts of trust and respect. If he is having the OW to stay at your house when it was agreed hotels only and no overnights then there is neither in your relationship. This means that asking him if she stayed at your house is completely pointless as he has no respect and can't be trusted so will probably just lie.
He is doing exactly as he pleases and doesn't really care about your boundaries. This just feels to me like a hideous situation for you to be in and I empathise as I am in a similar but different predicament. I wish with all my heart you would/could leave but I wish the same for me too and I know how much easier it is said than done when things are good on the surface.

@SpidersAreShitheads

Oh OP, I'm so sorry to read this latest update. Like others, I recognised you instantly. Your last thread was really memorable because your situation was so sad. You were unanimously told by everyone - even people in open relationships - that the dynamics were unhealthy and to seriously reconsider things, but it was very clear that you are desperate to hang on to the breadcrumbs he chucks your way.

I'm not judging you, I really feel for you. After a lifetime with someone it's really hard to walk away when you still love them and still get on well. I think, no matter what anyone says on this thread, you'll still keep holding on grimly. He's told you he loves her, he goes on romantic dates with her (as per your last thread), he's introduced her to family and friends and now he's brought her into your home - and even stashed things there for her (teabags) so is he planning on bringing her back again?

I think what you need to ask yourself is where do you draw the line? What does he have to do to make you say enough is enough? Or will you carry on clinging to him no matter what he does? Only you can decide what you're willing to accept. You know this isn't an open relationship - it started as one but he's pissed all over the agreements you have in place and refuses point blank to stop seeing her. From what I recall she doesn't want him full-time but if she's stayed in your house, maybe she's starting to change her mind?

From what you're saying here, and your last thread, I doubt you're ready to contemplate leaving him - but please do have a think about your own happiness. You matter too - your life isn't just about pandering to his needs.

Such a wise comment.

@Deela14

Oh op.

Guess we will be seeing you in a couple of months time under a different name with the same problem.

How disaapointing for you

FGS. Do you have no empathy at all?

@MrsSkimpole

Um yes. If you take the time to notice ive actually posted on here 3 times offering plenty of understanding, empathy and advice. I also postes on the ops original thread.

BUT

It is frustrating when it all falls on deaf ears. If someone doesnt want to help themselves they cannot be helped. Op clearly doesnt want to make any changes despite her distress and unhappiness. She wants to vent on here and ignore people that she seeked for help. The fact its happened twice already and she is still stuck in the same predicament most likely means we will be seeing her again. But again she will turn a blind eye to what people say to her.

Its a toxic cycle which will be endless for her.

@Deela14 Fair enough, and I am sorry for being cross with what you wrote. I just feel very sorry for the OP, because I know how it feels to feel very stuck. Sometimes you need to offload it all, even if you don't feel you can actually do anything to change it. But my response to your post was uncalled for, and I apologise.

I assume he is still with me for the same reason I am still with him- we love each other and enjoy our life together. He just needs sex whereas I do not.

After all of your posts on both threads, @Mantua, I continue to think you don't really understand what sex means to other people, or how other people fit it into a relationship, or what a relationship is like when someone integrates the sexual and emotional side.

Each new step your husband takes seems to genuinely surprise you and leave you mystified.

You seem to have genuinely thought that your husband could compartmentalise sex and love the same way you can, in his case the expectation that he separate love from lust, and find soulless sex with random women in hotel rooms a satisfying way to spend his life, and in your case substitute mundane elements of the ordinary, day-to-day life of two roommates who get along well for a relationship integrating lust and love.