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Original poster

DH has had his girlfriend round, I know it

308 replies

Mantua · 22/11/2021 21:19

Been away for a few weeks helping family out and DH stayed due to work commitments/ to look after the dogs. We’ve been in an open relationship for a few years now (his instigation, all one sided, I can live with it). I did have a thread about it some time back but won’t link to that as I came across as ridiculously blinkered then. I am more realistic about things now .

Anyway, I think he brought his current partner here whilst I was away. I don’t have any hard evidence but I overheard something that suggests she was here. Am I being paranoid? I’m not ready to ask him outright.

I did agree to an open relationship but not in my home.

OP posts:
Winterautumn · 22/11/2021 22:26

She’s even looking after YOUR dogs . Get strong this is awful for you.

Original poster
Mantua · 22/11/2021 22:26

Had I known people would remember my previous thread, I would have just continued that. I thought a name change would help but no. I was very stubborn and blinkered on that thread and I know that now, so I thought fresh thread, new start. I’m naive.

We do share a bed but it is a very large one and I cannot remember the last time either of us went to the other side for any reason.

I assume he is still with me for the same reason I am still with him- we love each other and enjoy our life together. He just needs sex whereas I do not.

OP posts:
Scbchl · 22/11/2021 22:27

I didn't think an open relationship involved an actual other relationship with another woman, I thought it was more just a sex thing where it seems like he's now having two actual relationships. I couldn't deal with that.

Lostmyheart101 · 22/11/2021 22:29

It doesn’t sound like it’s just sex, sounds like it’s a relationship, otherwise why would the dogs miss her?

Obsidiansphere · 22/11/2021 22:30

By your own admittance he’s fallen for the OW so it’s only a matter of time before she takes your place.

Winterautumn · 22/11/2021 22:31

It’s not just sex though, he’s having a full blown relationship with another women while you watch.
I’m your house. He’s a cruel man, that’s torture!

Notashandyta · 22/11/2021 22:32

Bloody hell.

Please get him to leave. This is no way to live Confused

blameless · 22/11/2021 22:32

@Winterautumn

He’s integrating the ow more and more into his life … you’ll soon be the ow not her. Please leave him but plan your separation so that you are in control, as right now he’s in total control of your relationship and your feelings!
This.

Sadly, I saw the same situation played out with a friend. The wife felt sorry for her BF. Husband was gaslighting and ensured plenty of drink so the BF always had to stay over. Edged the poor woman out of her own life.

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2021 22:32

Ah op. I think you’re still blinkered, it’s not just sex is it. He will stay in the marriage until they decide to be together permanently, he even talks to the dogs about her and how she misses them, that’s not just a hotel shag.

You’re clearly unhappy and putting up with this to stay married to him. But it’s eating you up, I guess you still feel that’s better than it ending. I think it’s really when not if, I’m sorry,

RedToothBrush · 22/11/2021 22:32

@Mantua

I don’t want to ask him not because I don’t feel like I can ask because I’m not sure if I want to know, iyswim?
You can't be open and honest about stuff bugging you and the answer you might recieve.

This is not an open relationship. This is you being a doormat to appease him because you'd rather put up with that than him leave you.

There is nothing in this for you. Its one way traffic which only results in you getting hurt and him having his cake and eating it.

The lack of mutual respect is the thing that means this not an open relationship but one where you do all the accommodating.

When you have got to the point you aren't communicating fully, you are at the point resentment builds up and its all downhill from there until you figure out where this is headed....

BlueLorikeet · 22/11/2021 22:32

“We do share a bed but it is a very large one and I cannot remember the last time either of us went to the other side for any reason“

So she slept on your side then?… ouch

PlanDeRaccordement · 22/11/2021 22:33

Open relationships are usually about having relationships with other partners, it’s not usually a free pass for casual sex.

Clymene · 22/11/2021 22:34

Oh it's you. I remember your previous thread. It doesn't sound like you're enjoying your lives together now Sad

whynotwhatknot · 22/11/2021 22:34

thats not just sex though its another life

hes let her sleep in your house/bed and become integrated in your life-thats way more than sex

just have it out with him

Inertia · 22/11/2021 22:35

I think you’re being naive in assuming you continue to be an important figure in his world. You’re being sidelined from your own life while insisting you’re still in love.

He certainly doesn’t respect you. Next step is contempt, and that’s a very difficult place to start from with either rebuilding or amicably ending a marriage.

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2021 22:35

Basically he’s having a full blown romantic relationship with someone else and with you for convenience and you accept it because you feel it’s better than the alternative . I also recall your last thread, and that it is coming to what it is coming to,

Capferret · 22/11/2021 22:35

Unfortunately it seems like there has been a shift in the dynamics.
Whilst your dh was merely having sex then your agreement was fine. Now he has an emotional attachment I think your relationship is at risk.
You do need to talk .

lisaandalan · 22/11/2021 22:37

Maybe they were just going out with the dogs together for walks and if he stayed at hers sometimes he took them with him. X

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2021 22:37

I assume he is still with me for the same reason I am still with him- we love each other and enjoy our life together. He just needs sex whereas I do not

If this was true he wouldn’t be in love with someone else.

JollyJoon · 22/11/2021 22:37

Open relationships are about having multiple life/romantic partners not just sex

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2021 22:38

@Mantua

He has assured me several times since I became aware of this woman, that he does not want to leave our marriage and he has no plans to change anything.

I don’t want to drip feed so I’ll basically lay it out here. I agreed to an open marriage because we hadn’t, at my preference, been intimate for years. It was DHs way of saving our relationship and I am grateful to him for that. I knew him falling for someone else would be a risk and I put it out of my mind for a long time and thought he/we had avoided than happening but then he met OW and fell for her. But he has said he doesn’t want to leave our marriage, even now, and I believe him.

Or she's not ready to leave hers (yet)
Momijin · 22/11/2021 22:38

I haven't read your previous thread but I guess if you both love each other but you don't want to have sex and you have agreed to open the relationship up, then him catching feelings for someone he's being intimate with, is a risk. I don't think he's having his cake and eating it. It is a shame for all involved and it sounds like splitting up would be the best for everyone.

ThorsLeftNut · 22/11/2021 22:38

What’s the compromise, it’s just you letting him date others? Do you see other people?

I’d ask him, discuss and confirm the boundaries and if he wants to ‘compromise’ get his own way then I would end the relationship.

WonderfulYou · 22/11/2021 22:39

I think open marriages can work (if both parties are happy) but I think there needs to be a certain level of understanding and communication - not all of the details but you should absolutely be able to ask him if he’s brought someone round and he should tell you the truth.
If it’s just sex it should be just that - no bringing them back to the family home.

Whatinthelord · 22/11/2021 22:40

This sounds awful for you and it really seems like it’s going to end badly.

Is the issue really just that the OW was at your house or that she exists and you can tell it’s becoming more than just sex.

People don’t introduce people to their father, friends, bring them to their home etc….if they’re just the “other woman”.

You really need to think about where you want this to go as it doesn’t sound healthy at all.