DH has had his girlfriend round, I know it

[Mantua]

Been away for a few weeks helping family out and DH stayed due to work commitments/ to look after the dogs. We’ve been in an open relationship for a few years now (his instigation, all one sided, I can live with it). I did have a thread about it some time back but won’t link to that as I came across as ridiculously blinkered then. I am more realistic about things now .

Anyway, I think he brought his current partner here whilst I was away. I don’t have any hard evidence but I overheard something that suggests she was here. Am I being paranoid? I’m not ready to ask him outright.

I did agree to an open relationship but not in my home.

@JollyJoon

Open relationships are about having multiple life/romantic partners not just sex

Not necessarily/really Polyamory is having multiple relationships. Open relationship usually means one primary relationship with the option of casual on the side, or maybe the couple swings together. The OP is clearly not polyamorous but has decided she can tolerate an open relationship but he's changing the rules without discussion.

I read your previous thread and I’m sorry to read this update. Your partner may believe all the things he is saying to you, but is he being truthful to himself? It feels as though he has completely lost control and all sense of reality. In your last thread he was infatuated with her and bringing her to meet joint friend now it seems he is not snapping out of it; instead, it’s getting worse. Much, much worse. Why would he introduce her to his father, that really is awful.

I have no experience of open relationships but I would imagine that the primary relationship should stay the focus and priority, with complete honesty, openness and respect, and with the married partner calling the shots. This does not feel like any of those things.

I forget why you decided that you did not want sex in the first place, but I wonder if that was a symptom of something not being quite right in the relationship already? I myself am in a situation right now of not wanting to have sex with my husband of 10 years and through counselling I’ve come to realise that this is down to resentment that has been building for many years. We could ‘stay together for the children’ and perhaps even try an open relationship but I believe the inevitable will happen and one of us will eventually find someone that is the full package; love and intimacy with someone who cherishes you.

I have found relationship counselling incredibly helpful and I’ve understood so much more about my role in all of this, and how I’ve ignored my needs and wants for many years. I would wholeheartedly recommend it, relationship counselling is something that you can have on your own if he does not want to engage in it with you. Remember, you deserve so much more than this.

Whilst I'd agree it's not that important why OP decided to stop having sex, I'd suggest that checking out of a relationship sexually was probably a big indication this relationship was already in big trouble and probably wasn't going to last. I think OP is sadly now clinging on to the last few crumbs of a dead relationship that needs to end for all their sakes.

If you are both in an open relationship is that not something he would have told you? What's the point in keeping these sort of secrets when the whole point of an open relationship is ... I would think... total trust?

Any updates? What this needs is a conversation- talk about your boundaries concerning this open relationship and make them very clear.

I have no words

What are you doing OP?!

@Monalotmoore

Whilst I'd agree it's not that important why OP decided to stop having sex, I'd suggest that checking out of a relationship sexually was probably a big indication this relationship was already in big trouble and probably wasn't going to last. I think OP is sadly now clinging on to the last few crumbs of a dead relationship that needs to end for all their sakes.

I agree with this. And while some relationships will work without actual sex, they do have intimacy in other ways, like kissing, cuddling, and just generally being close with each other, which OP and her husband don't seem to have.

How've you been today @Mantua ?