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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has had his girlfriend round, I know it

308 replies

Mantua · 22/11/2021 21:19

Been away for a few weeks helping family out and DH stayed due to work commitments/ to look after the dogs. We’ve been in an open relationship for a few years now (his instigation, all one sided, I can live with it). I did have a thread about it some time back but won’t link to that as I came across as ridiculously blinkered then. I am more realistic about things now .

Anyway, I think he brought his current partner here whilst I was away. I don’t have any hard evidence but I overheard something that suggests she was here. Am I being paranoid? I’m not ready to ask him outright.

I did agree to an open relationship but not in my home.

OP posts:
BurningBright7 · 22/11/2021 23:19

I remember your earlier thread. You are so selfless. Please choose yourself for once, he is setting the stage and once he is ready, he will pull the rug from right under your feet. Please protect yourself

Maze76 · 22/11/2021 23:24

@Mantua
What I think you agreed to was him having a FWB/ sex buddy- to fulfil his need.

Unfortunately it looks like he’s met someone who means more to him than that.

Your husband may well have meant it when he said he has no interest in ending your marriage- but many men have said that, then out of the blue, they’ve left the wife for another woman. So please don’t rely on words, ago by his actions.

The fact that you’re posting on MN about this shows that you’re not comfortable, the longer it goes on the worse you will feel.
I think you need to have a very honest and frank conversation with him.

Have you explored the reasons for why you have no interest in sex? I know sex isn’t everything in a relationship but there’s no denying that it’s what help form that romantic bond.

And if you want to save your marriage, it’s worth looking into?
Good luck,

Sonaftersonafterson · 22/11/2021 23:25

Holy christ OP, what have I read here? He is in love with her and slowly but blatantly building a life with her. Under your nose.
Please leave this man! My god. This is awful for you Flowers

DappyApple · 22/11/2021 23:27

I think I remember your other thread as well, but honestly I don’t think this arrangement is going to end well.

Its clear he’s developed feelings for her and he’s making his feelings perfectly clear. I fear you will slowly get sidelined bit by bit until there’s nothing left. Also I can’t see the OW being happy to carry on in this situation long term.
Sadly I think you are the only one that is going to get hurt here.

Sittingonabench · 22/11/2021 23:28

I don’t think I saw your earlier thread, apologies. Open marriages I think do work for some people however there needs to be almost stricter boundaries. I understand most agree at the outset that if one spouse becomes uncomfortable with a particular partner for any reason or even no reason at all then that partner is not seen again. There is also a difference between open relationship for sex and a one that accepts romantic and emotional links to be made. The second is far messier and complicated. It seems you have fallen into the second category and I would suggest speaking about it with your DH and putting in some ground rules. There may even be some supporting literature to help guide you through the conversation and things that need to be discussed.

Dancingonmoonlight · 22/11/2021 23:33

This thread is so sad.
I understand where you are coming from OP.
You want to remain married to him, living in your house, but not as man and wife. He didn't want a sexless marriage so you gave him permission to have sex. You thought when that need was satisfied, what you had could continue indefinitely.

But your husband met someone and what started as 'just sex' they developed feelings and he is forming a relationship with her.

I think you have to remember that there was always a chance that would happen if he was having sex with a single woman who wanted a relationship herself.

I'm so sorry OP. Your arrangement is no longer in place. Whether you wanted it or not, the marriage has reached its conclusion and it is time to part ways.
The alternative is living in some sort of hope that his relationship with this woman won't work out. But.....he will meet others and you will find yourself in this situation again.
If you have the financial means, it is time to sell the house and move to your own place. Maybe with friends and family nearby that will support you.
I know its hard. Breaking up a long term relationship is like coping with the bereavement of a loved one. I think its something you have to do.

FortunesFave · 22/11/2021 23:41

Oh OP this isn't an open relationship. It's you agreeing to "let" your husband be unfaithful.

Open relationships are between people who are both happy to accept their partner being with others.

You're not. YOu've agreed to this out of fear.

AngelinaFibres · 22/11/2021 23:45

I think your marriage is like an old pair of slippers OP ; completely worn out but still comfy and familiar and not so totally knackered that the bin calls.....yet. They are so familiar that your husband doesn't even really see them any more. They are just ....there. No need to make a great effort, no need to be annoyed if you damage them ,get them muddy ,don't treat them with care because they just don't matter anymore. If he damages them they will just sit quietly in the corner whilst he concentrates on something new and shiny. The trouble is there always comes a day with old slippers when you finally decide that actually they can go in the bin now with barely a second thought ; and magically a shiny new pair take their place. Don't let someone else make that decision OP

Phobiaphobic · 22/11/2021 23:57

OP, at some point you're gonna have to stop gaslighting yourself and accept your marriage is over. I'm sorry, it's not an easy thing to face, but this sounds like purgatory compared to living a peaceful life alone.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 23/11/2021 00:07

OP I'm so sad for you, but you do seem to be ignoring some really blatant facts about what's going on here.

SpidersAreShitheads · 23/11/2021 00:16

Oh OP, I'm so sorry to read this latest update. Like others, I recognised you instantly. Your last thread was really memorable because your situation was so sad. You were unanimously told by everyone - even people in open relationships - that the dynamics were unhealthy and to seriously reconsider things, but it was very clear that you are desperate to hang on to the breadcrumbs he chucks your way.

I'm not judging you, I really feel for you. After a lifetime with someone it's really hard to walk away when you still love them and still get on well. I think, no matter what anyone says on this thread, you'll still keep holding on grimly. He's told you he loves her, he goes on romantic dates with her (as per your last thread), he's introduced her to family and friends and now he's brought her into your home - and even stashed things there for her (teabags) so is he planning on bringing her back again?

I think what you need to ask yourself is where do you draw the line? What does he have to do to make you say enough is enough? Or will you carry on clinging to him no matter what he does? Only you can decide what you're willing to accept. You know this isn't an open relationship - it started as one but he's pissed all over the agreements you have in place and refuses point blank to stop seeing her. From what I recall she doesn't want him full-time but if she's stayed in your house, maybe she's starting to change her mind?

From what you're saying here, and your last thread, I doubt you're ready to contemplate leaving him - but please do have a think about your own happiness. You matter too - your life isn't just about pandering to his needs.

me4real · 23/11/2021 00:21

It is really clear that she's been there with the tea thing @Mantua . He's not even bothering to hide it much, though of course if you confront him he might claim it was someone else. Sad Flowers

This isn't making you happy.

Starseeking · 23/11/2021 00:24

Your DH trampled all over your boundaries in suggesting this one-way open relationship (which you are clearly unhappy with), now he is pushing them further by not only having OW in your house, but introducing her to his friends and family.

OP your DH really doesn't respect you, and anyone can see he is building a life with the OW while slowly withdrawing from your life together.

Make the call yourself, or would you seriously prefer to wait for him to tell you to leave? You really are in an awful situation, and it's not going to get any better unless you do something about it.

IamGusFring · 23/11/2021 00:36

@Obsidiansphere

By your own admittance he’s fallen for the OW so it’s only a matter of time before she takes your place.
as was said on the original thread ...
Eastridingclub · 23/11/2021 00:41

Are you the poster who agreed to an open relationship because you didn't want sex but didn't want to lose your DH, then felt angry and betrayed when he broke the contract by developing feelings and having more than one night liaisons?

PersonaNonGarter · 23/11/2021 00:42

Oh no OP. She is an emotional cuckoo.

Sorry to be blunt but you sound so naive still. They are in a relationship and making plans and you need to find some shred of self respect and get protecting your assets for the inevitable split. Flowers

me4real · 23/11/2021 00:43

@IamGusFring It can take a fair while to accept that something as upsetting as this is happening.

Eastridingclub · 23/11/2021 00:48

I'm sorry op but this isn't working for you. I think you're going to get more badly hurt and disoriented if you stay for this drip drip drip full blown affair being normalise. I would part amicably now. Otherwise you'll be facing a toxic breakup.

Mamanyt · 23/11/2021 00:54

OK...open relationships are very tricky, and this is one of the reasons why. Agreements should be wholehearted on BOTH sides (sounds as if you went along with this to keep a man who wants other women...why?), and terms should be agreed upon, up to and including "You may/'may not bring the other person to our home with/without me being present." If you failed to stipulate that, then that's your bad. Ask him outright. Tell him you do NOT want his other women in your home, period.

nettie434 · 23/11/2021 00:55

I didn't read the earlier thread. Although you don't feel ready to ask him outright, do you think leaving the tea was his way of trying to force the issue?

It does sound as if they are moving towards establishing an 'official' relationship. This can't be easy for you but it looks as if it isn't something that will peter out.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 23/11/2021 01:09

Even if this relationship with the OW does end, your H has shown that he has no respect for your feelings or boundaries. In your last thread you said that he flat out told you he wouldn't end things with her. He may want to/like the idea of staying married to you, but he's made it as plain as day that you aren't a priority for him.

Even if she goes you are left married to that man. He doesn't care if he causes you pain. Not enough to stop, anyway. You're worth more than that.

It will be painful (expensive and a shock to the system), but an awful lot less so on your own than if you continue down this road with your husband.

Hawkins001 · 23/11/2021 01:46

@Mantua

Been away for a few weeks helping family out and DH stayed due to work commitments/ to look after the dogs. We’ve been in an open relationship for a few years now (his instigation, all one sided, I can live with it). I did have a thread about it some time back but won’t link to that as I came across as ridiculously blinkered then. I am more realistic about things now .

Anyway, I think he brought his current partner here whilst I was away. I don’t have any hard evidence but I overheard something that suggests she was here. Am I being paranoid? I’m not ready to ask him outright.

I did agree to an open relationship but not in my home.

Did you have a open relationship contract signed by both of you with all the agreed upon rules ?
nocnoc · 23/11/2021 02:12

He’s in love with OW, not you and this is not going to end well for you. He’s stringing you along now. Why don’t you want to be intimate with him? I think you need help to explore everything that’s going on. Are you young/old? Why would you put up with this?

Milliepossum · 23/11/2021 02:25

I agree with PPs. This is toxic for you. He is treating you with contempt, that’s not love. OW has been in your bed, used your towels, sat on your toilet, used your glasses, cutlery and plates, marked her territory with tea bags, probably sat naked in your spot on the couch, sat on your seat in the car, probably laughed at your decor choices. You are being replaced. Get a solicitor, tell that POS you’re married to to leave and get your freedom with a divorce. And see a psychologist that will explain to you just how terribly you are being abused.

Crystalvas · 23/11/2021 02:50

@Mantua

Yes, I agree with all that. But I agreed to it. What I didn’t agree with is him bringing women here.
Tell him thats a condition of your open marraige. No negotiation end of. Your house your rules.