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Original poster

DH has had his girlfriend round, I know it

308 replies

Mantua · 22/11/2021 21:19

Been away for a few weeks helping family out and DH stayed due to work commitments/ to look after the dogs. We’ve been in an open relationship for a few years now (his instigation, all one sided, I can live with it). I did have a thread about it some time back but won’t link to that as I came across as ridiculously blinkered then. I am more realistic about things now .

Anyway, I think he brought his current partner here whilst I was away. I don’t have any hard evidence but I overheard something that suggests she was here. Am I being paranoid? I’m not ready to ask him outright.

I did agree to an open relationship but not in my home.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 22/11/2021 22:06

OP - not sure why you are torturing yourself here. If you know you aren’t not going to push the issue and try to reestablish the boundaries - what’s the point?

You didn’t explicitly agree on not bringing them to the house. Hotels and no overnights - I am sure in his mind meant while you were around in the house. As in - not leaving you for the night to be with her.
As you were gone for several weeks - I am sure he thought - why waste money on a hotel.

As to ‘not bonding with the dogs’ - I think your mind is playing tricks on you. Deep down you aren’t OK with this arrangement but for whatever reason you aren’t able to express it. So it comes out in an irrational way - about the dogs, for eg. Dogs don’t care about her. You do.
(And btw - he could have simply gone for walks with the dogs and met her there too, but that doesn’t matter)

And you don’t have an open marriage. You just have a H with a mistress that you decided to tolerate, but are struggling at that. And he seems to be developing and attachment to her.
Was your ‘agreement’ an attempt to keep him from leaving you? Is that for the lifestyle or is there seen other reason?

Thing is - if he is developing feelings - it may get to the point where the OW isn’t happy with the arrangement. She may end up pushing him to chose. Are you sure he’ll chose you?

TatianaBis · 22/11/2021 22:06

This isn't an open relationship: he's unfaithful and you tolerate it to hold on to the relationship.

The downside of doing so is always that the other partner finds someone they want to be with and ends the relationship anyway.

So this is where you are now.

lightisnotwhite · 22/11/2021 22:09

Possibly you were both having your cake and eating it?

Its tough leaving a relationship, Its harder staying in when the other partner is clearly having a better time of it.

Why don’t you actually do the open relationship side of it if there’s sone advantage to staying marriage.rather than leaving? There’s a world out there.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/11/2021 22:10

I’ve known about OW for a while and I have accepted it. We’re not divorcing, we have discussed it and it isn’t what either of us want

Unfortunately, since you didn't want him to have an OW in the first place, he's taken your staying and the "open marriage" thing as a licence to do whatever he pleases. Say anything now and you'll just get a version of "Well you don't mind me having her, so bringing her here is just geography"

Sadly, it sounds as if the marriage is effectively over anyway, so it might be better to just get out while you've got some dignity left

Practicebeingpatient · 22/11/2021 22:12

I remember your last post. There's a pattern here. You agree rules. He breaks them. You accept it. He then pushes the boundaries further. He will continue to do this. I am willing to bet that this will end up with her in your house at the same time as you.

This isn't an open marriage. This is you accepting that your husband has a long term mistress that his friends and family know and accept. He has zero respect for you because you are being a total doormat.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/11/2021 22:15

I remember your past thread well. He’s in love with her OP. They’re building a life together.

You say you’ve discussed it all but look where you are now?

She’s not going to settle for staying over while you’re away and having a half life with him. They’re building a whole proper relationship. You were worried when they were meeting up and not having sex. It’s way past that now and it looks like the clock is ticking loudly on the arrangement you think/hope you have.

I really feel for you but you’ve got to start taking charge before he’s got a fully thought out plan and you’re left grasping at straws while he’s planned the finances and they’re moving in together.

imonlyhooman · 22/11/2021 22:15

I think you're right she's been in your home. He's having an affair, this isn't an open marriage, it's cheating because he's not been open and told you.

Original poster
Mantua · 22/11/2021 22:16

He has assured me several times since I became aware of this woman, that he does not want to leave our marriage and he has no plans to change anything.

I don’t want to drip feed so I’ll basically lay it out here. I agreed to an open marriage because we hadn’t, at my preference, been intimate for years. It was DHs way of saving our relationship and I am grateful to him for that. I knew him falling for someone else would be a risk and I put it out of my mind for a long time and thought he/we had avoided than happening but then he met OW and fell for her. But he has said he doesn’t want to leave our marriage, even now, and I believe him.

OP posts:
Shakirawannabe · 22/11/2021 22:16

It seems like he is slowly building a life with this woman and you are gradually getting less a part of it. You need to in the nicest way possible let go with your dignity still in tact.
You are worth so much more than this

NowEvenBetter · 22/11/2021 22:17

All a bit of a farce, isn’t it? He must be utterly spectacular in every possible way for anyone to accept being made a mug of like this. Ah well, good luck with that.

S1205 · 22/11/2021 22:18

If it's one-sided then it's not an open relationship. Save yourself the heartache and move on. Believe it or not, there is someone out there who will be happy with you and only you. Your husband is just staying because he's scared of the unknown. That's weak. Don't be weak like him. Sorry if I sound harsh. Best of luck

JackieWeaversZoomAc · 22/11/2021 22:18

Sounds to me like he's doing exactly what he wants and will continue to do this.

You deserve better.

PegasusReturns · 22/11/2021 22:19

I remember your previous thread.

You’re not being paranoid.

She’s been in your house because your DH is in love with her and he is increasingly seeing her as the primary relationship.

You need to start planning before he pulls the rug from underneath you.

TatianaBis · 22/11/2021 22:19

He has assured me several times since I became aware of this woman, that he does not want to leave our marriage and he has no plans to change anything.

Well yeah because leaving is a hassle and will cost him money and if he can fuck her in your house anyway, why bother getting divorced.

S1205 · 22/11/2021 22:20

@Mantlemoose

But did you make it clear he wasn't to bring her to your home?
Took the words right out of my mouth. Or my fingers. 🤷‍♀️
Interrobanger · 22/11/2021 22:21

In the nicest possible way (if there is one): what’s keeping him in the marriage? What’s in it for him? Sounds like he’s getting all his needs met elsewhere now.

What needs of yours are still being met? What’s in it for you?

Do you still share a bed? Did he have sex with her in your bed?

S1205 · 22/11/2021 22:21

@PegasusReturns

I remember your previous thread.

You’re not being paranoid.

She’s been in your house because your DH is in love with her and he is increasingly seeing her as the primary relationship.

You need to start planning before he pulls the rug from underneath you.

THIS. No elaboration needed.👌
Lostmyheart101 · 22/11/2021 22:21

If he doesn’t care about cheating on you, as this is not an open relationship, let’s not beat around the bush, then why would you think he would care about not having his girlfriend there when your not and it’s so convenient for him?

Tuckedinbelly · 22/11/2021 22:21

This is really sad. Op what are you getting bfrom this relationship?? Are you scared of being alone or divorce? Why are you still with him? Being alone would be better and you might even meet someone else

BeaucoupFish · 22/11/2021 22:22

@Mantau
This would be a final straw situation for me but….do you have separate beds?
What I am trying to say is has the OW been in your bed ?

Mcdonaghclair22 · 22/11/2021 22:22

R u seeing anyone else op? Can you say genuinely that you are happy with the situation. Also if you have dc are they aware?

hotcrossedbums · 22/11/2021 22:23

Is this the man who was doing up a property and had his girlfriend round when all his friends were there helping?

JollyJoon · 22/11/2021 22:23

This is going to end badly.

Shes replacing you.

She will give him an ultimatum.

Find your self respect.

ScrollingLeaves · 22/11/2021 22:23

“I overheard him telling the dogs that OW missed them. Sounds stupid, I know, but he didn’t know I was downstairs and he does talk to the dogs all the time. There are also teabags in the house now and no one here drinks hot tea.“

That is upsetting about the dogs. That is going too far, and I can see feels as though she had moved in and pushed you out. And it made it sound as though your DH was mentally making the dogs his and hers, leaving you where?

Winterautumn · 22/11/2021 22:24

He’s integrating the ow more and more into his life … you’ll soon be the ow not her.
Please leave him but plan your separation so that you are in control, as right now he’s in total control of your relationship and your feelings!