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Original poster

Family fall out over my new job

238 replies

Missmaya · 20/11/2021 23:43

NC as this could be really outing

I'm a clinician in the NHS and I recently applied for a promoted post. I work office ours right now and the new post is a mix of office hours and shift work. I was unexpectedly successful at interview and was offered a post. I was feeling really stuck in the job I was in and needed a new challenge. The new post is in a new developing service and really caught my eye. I applied even though I don't have experience in that particular field. I was absolutely over the moon when I was offered the job

My parents have went absolutely mental. My mum said I was selfish I never think about anyone but myself I'm taking this new job just to suit myself and I never think about how my actions affect other people. She also said my life is too chaotic and I make bad decisions. She said it's going to be bad for my DC's they always have chaotic lives without me working shift work as well.

FYI - DH is a teacher we don't really need that much in the way of childcare. My mum works in the school my DC's attend. The odd time she takes them home with her and keeps them for about half an hour until DH gets home. So this is nothing to do with childcare. Even the taking them home is because she chooses to we are very lucky we have loads of family around us and other means so we don't "rely" on her if that makes any sense.

She also kept saying I can't cope with the job I have now (no idea where she gets that from she has no concept of what my job even is) how will I cope with a band 6. Also she kept saying it's "came out of the blue" which again isn't true as I've been thinking of moving on for a while.

I was absolutely distraught. My dad at least said well done she said she can't congratulate me because she doesn't understand it.

I got so upset and told my mum I can't believe her reaction she's being totallt out of order and even if she thinks it's the wrong choice she should respect it is my choice and be happy for my achievement. She said I'm putting my career before my DC's.

Now my dad's fell out with me for disrespecting my mum aka standing up for myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missmaya · 20/11/2021 23:43

I don't really know what the point of me posting is tbh. Maybe just thinking out loud about whether I've made the right decision

OP posts:
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 20/11/2021 23:45

Do your parents help you with childcare / emergency care?

Trisolaris · 20/11/2021 23:46

Congratulations!

You are allowed to have an identity outside of being a mum.

Enjoy the new job. It’s none of your parent’s business.

DrDreReturns · 20/11/2021 23:46

It's up to you what job you do, not your parents. You're the person who'll have to do it not them.
Try not to give their reaction too much headspace they are being unreasonable. Loads of people work shifts and bring up kids ok

Crumblinginside · 20/11/2021 23:46
Flowers

Well Done on your amazing job. Don't know what can be said about you mum but it sounds to me like jealously. She didn't get the opportunities you have.

But you need to enjoy your life. You were right to call her up on it.

Yummypumpkin · 20/11/2021 23:48

Hmmmmm....honestly...if you told your mum tomorrow you'd turned down the job, do you think she would then complain about that? Ie is she just generally critical so you're best ignoring her criticisms??

TerribleZebra · 20/11/2021 23:49

What on earth has it got to do with your Mum? You haven't said what your DH thinks about it. If he's happy with your new hours and it works for your family you can tell your Mum to jog on. Congrats on the new job.

InTropicalTrumpsLand · 20/11/2021 23:50

Congratulations, OP. Just because your parents aren't supportive it doesn't mean this path isn't the right one for you.

I might be tempted to sort out new emergency childcare for the odd days your DM looks after your DC until your DH is off work, though - not because there's anything wrong with it, but to prevent her moaning.

GayParis · 20/11/2021 23:50

God your mum sounds horrific!

Why are your parents so involved? What does it matter what job you have as long as you're happy?

She sounds a mix of jealous and disapproving - did she not work and take on the typical role of house wife? Is she completely backwards and thinks you should do the same?

grapewine · 20/11/2021 23:51

Well done. Ignore her tantrum. She doesn't have to understand your choices

Original poster
Missmaya · 20/11/2021 23:53

@InTropicalTrumpsLand

Congratulations, OP. Just because your parents aren't supportive it doesn't mean this path isn't the right one for you.

I might be tempted to sort out new emergency childcare for the odd days your DM looks after your DC until your DH is off work, though - not because there's anything wrong with it, but to prevent her moaning.

I'm not sure that would go down well either. I'll be accused of keeping the DCs away from them.
OP posts:
SkiingIsHeaven · 20/11/2021 23:53

Sod them. Life is short.

Congratulations by the way.

GinIronic · 20/11/2021 23:53

Congratulations on your new job. Is your Mum jealous? Did she have a career?

GlitterBiscuits · 20/11/2021 23:54

Well done on the new job.
I hope it works out for you!

FeckTheMagicDragon · 20/11/2021 23:55

What has her career been? Did she give up any thoughts of having one for herself once she had kids, and thinks you should do the same?
I also think she sounds jealous. Most parents celebrate their children’s achievements, they don’t go mad at them succeeding!

Wombat46 · 20/11/2021 23:56

If your DH is happy looking after the DC or other arrangements are made not relying on your parents, DC are happy & you're happy, then no-one else matters.

Sounds like jealousy to me. Or some warped perceptions.

Original poster
Missmaya · 20/11/2021 23:59

@GayParis

God your mum sounds horrific!

Why are your parents so involved? What does it matter what job you have as long as you're happy?

She sounds a mix of jealous and disapproving - did she not work and take on the typical role of house wife? Is she completely backwards and thinks you should do the same?

Kind of. She always worked but it was always part time minimum wage jobs around us. In fact she actually said that to me that she made her choices around us. But that's not even true I remember we stayed with my aunt on a Sunday night for well over a year as my dad left at 6am and she worked nifths on a Sunday. I loved it tbh!

My dad's dinner was always put down for him and his packed lunch made and work clothes washes and ready. DH and I are not like that. I think she thinks if I work shifts my house will crumble..DH is quite capable

She has very high standards of how a house should be ran and my sister is the same so I'm the total black sheep of the family.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 21/11/2021 00:01

I would sort out emergency childcare that’s not your mum. She may well not help out to prove her point.

Is she jealous you’re building a career and earning well?

What did she do careerwise?

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 21/11/2021 00:02

Sounds like your mum is jealous that you are climbing the career ladder.

No one ever asks this question of men when they have to travel for work or do shift work.

You do what's best for you and your family. Your kids should grow up thinking you're a role model.

I wouldn't dream of telling my daughter (when she's older) that she should sacrifice herself. Kids have dealt with far worse throughout history than the horror of a hardworking mother!

username29473 · 21/11/2021 00:02

Your mum sounds very involved and controlling.

As long as you and your family aka your children and DP are happy it is really no one else's business. I could understand maybe if you expected her to do childcare but it doesn't sound like that's the case at all.

I would reset my boundaries with your mum if she feels that is an acceptable way to react.

Congratulations on your new job OP Smile

Original poster
Missmaya · 21/11/2021 00:05

@frazzledasarock

I would sort out emergency childcare that’s not your mum. She may well not help out to prove her point.

Is she jealous you’re building a career and earning well?

What did she do careerwise?

In terms of earning well it's weird because she is obsessed with how DH and I don't own our home we were skint for years as we both went to uni back to back. It was a struggle at the time but it's all becoming worth it now.

She hates the fact we live in a council.house and likes to get her bit in about how we can start saving for a house now (as if we are homeless) so you would think she would be happy I'll be earning even more money.

She just worked odd jobs but she's been a teaching assistant now for 20 years in the same school.

OP posts:
Tee20x · 21/11/2021 00:06

What's your mum got do do with it.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 21/11/2021 00:07

Congratulations on your new job. I hope it is all you’ve dreamed of and more.

It is nobody’s business but yours and your dh. If you can make it work then happy days.

If you are happy and fulfilled in your work that can only ever be a positive for your family.

reader12 · 21/11/2021 00:08

She’s completely overstepping any reasonable boundaries with her reaction. When I started reading your post I thought you must be very young and still living at home with her, otherwise why would she get to have an opinion let alone bludgeon you with it and try to tell you what to do? Just ignore her. She sounds jealous and miserable. Congratulations on your new job.

Welshgal85 · 21/11/2021 00:12

Firstly congratulations on your new job!

I agree with what others have said, it sounds like she is jealous and is the type of woman who acts like a martyr because ‘she put the kids first’. it’s none of her business what job you do, aslong as you are happy. They are your decisions to make not hers and she just has to deal with it!

Please don’t feel bad for your achievements and try not to let her make you feel bad Flowers