Family fall out over my new job

[Missmaya]

NC as this could be really outing

I'm a clinician in the NHS and I recently applied for a promoted post. I work office ours right now and the new post is a mix of office hours and shift work. I was unexpectedly successful at interview and was offered a post. I was feeling really stuck in the job I was in and needed a new challenge. The new post is in a new developing service and really caught my eye. I applied even though I don't have experience in that particular field. I was absolutely over the moon when I was offered the job

My parents have went absolutely mental. My mum said I was selfish I never think about anyone but myself I'm taking this new job just to suit myself and I never think about how my actions affect other people. She also said my life is too chaotic and I make bad decisions. She said it's going to be bad for my DC's they always have chaotic lives without me working shift work as well.

FYI - DH is a teacher we don't really need that much in the way of childcare. My mum works in the school my DC's attend. The odd time she takes them home with her and keeps them for about half an hour until DH gets home. So this is nothing to do with childcare. Even the taking them home is because she chooses to we are very lucky we have loads of family around us and other means so we don't "rely" on her if that makes any sense.

She also kept saying I can't cope with the job I have now (no idea where she gets that from she has no concept of what my job even is) how will I cope with a band 6. Also she kept saying it's "came out of the blue" which again isn't true as I've been thinking of moving on for a while.

I was absolutely distraught. My dad at least said well done she said she can't congratulate me because she doesn't understand it.

I got so upset and told my mum I can't believe her reaction she's being totallt out of order and even if she thinks it's the wrong choice she should respect it is my choice and be happy for my achievement. She said I'm putting my career before my DC's.

Now my dad's fell out with me for disrespecting my mum aka standing up for myself.

Your mum is jealous and being a martyr.

She wants you to make the same 'sacrifices' she did and stunt your career growth because she did. That was her choice.

Agree with everything that everyone has said, and I am not sure you will ever get someone that entrenched and bitter to come round, but a practical suggestion (if you really can be arsed to try and get her 'on side') would be for your DH to mention how delighted/proud he is of you. She sounds like someone who believes a man's opinion is more valid than a woman's. That might squash her ridiculous opinions a bit.

She just worked odd jobs but she's been a teaching assistant now for 20 years in the same school

20 years of passing on that level of internalised misogyny to growing children.
How depressing.

I'd be making alternative emergency childcare arrangements ready for the inevitable day when she drops you in it, to prove her point.

Congratulations on your new job 🍾 It's really sad that that there are still people who think that women must forgo any real career choices if they have children.

Actually, I happen to think child care is easier when two parents have different work patterns. Yes, shifts can be inconvenient but commuting times are often easier. It would be different if your mum did a lot of child care and you were expecting her to arrive to look after your children at 6am or stay with them until 10pm without having discussed it with her first.

I really bristle when I hear the word 'chaotic'. It is so imprecise and judgemental. To me, chaotic lives would mean your children did not have regular meals or routines, no clean clothes etc.

Be proud your children have two excellent role models in terms of parents doing socially responsible jobs that benefit society!

I think its great in a way that your dad thinks your mum is the gold standard of mothering. A man should support his wife, especially as it sounds like she mostly arranged her life around raising her family and that was what worked for them.

But, you are doing things differently (and rather brilliantly from the sound of it!). Congrats on your new job, I suspect that your mum is a bit jealous, but she will get over it. You and your DH sound like a great team, so don't let your mum's temporary snit spoil any of it for you.

In your head you still live with your parents.

I know that sounds patronising, but your posts so focus on them, not your DH and kids.

Ignore her. Tell her to butt out. Do something to change the way you react to her.

And congratulations on the new job. 🙂

Your mum is completely out of order.

Congratulations on your new job, they offered it to you because they thought you were the best person, If your choices have led you to the place of having a roof over your head, a DH with a good job and lovely children, and now a new job you will enjoy, then your choices weren't wrong were they? Yes, you may have a few hiccoughs and challenges along the way but you will work through them and you can't stop living your life because of that.

Your DCs are growing up fast and getting more and more independent. Taking a better job is the responsible thing to do to continue providing for them. You will be glad you took this new job when they are at secondary school

Why would you stay in a job that doesn't challenge you and never seek advancement to please your mum?

As many have said, start setting boundaries. Your mum shouldn't be interfering or judgemental about what sounds like a very successful life. If she reacts like this, tell her a lot less and get a lot less involved.

Congratulations on your new job op Ignore all the bad comments from your family, it's your life and they will get over it.

Honestly OP you need to get yourself to the Stately Homes thread. I suspect it will be a revelation

When I got a fabulous new job, instead of congratulating me, my mother said "You!? You could never be a X."

The subtext is "know your place" "don't try to be better than you ought to be" "don't go thinking you're better than us" Not that I am accusing you of anything like that OP.

I would distance myself from her a bit. Don't tell her as much about your life. Protect yourself.

And well done on the new job

Congratulations on the new job! She made her choices, you've made yours. Her reaction does seem extreme, I'd be tempted to back off a bit.

Reading between the lines perhaps your DM is worried that she will have to pick up extra childcare. Do you have things in place to cover childcare when working shifts, will your DH be available at all times?
You do say she sometimes takes them home after school with her until your Dh arrives some half an hour later...Realistically all teachers I know actually stay on in school a couple of hours after the children have left?
If none of the above apply ignore your DM, sorry she cannot be happy for you. Congratulations on your new job.

Sounds like your DM is toxic with family members propping this dynamic up.
Just think about it.
Despite the fact you have worked hard and a promtion, she has been nasty and undermining the end result is that you have been told off by your DF for " upsetting her"
Its all about her, he enables this.
There was a good analogy on SH about toxic family members who learn that by behaving badly they get lots of attention.
They are on a boat and rock it violently.
All the family members are called on by the enabler( your DF) to help him/ her steady the boat = lots of attention, placating/ toeing the family line.
The toxic family member learns that they can control everyone and get lots of attention so the boat rocking gets worse and worse.
All the family members are assigned a role on the boat.
Captain( DM)
Cox(DF)
Crew -everyone else.
Those who stay in their roles are fine and actually feted " golden child"
Anyone who tries to get off the boat to lead their own path is the " scapegoat"
This is you.
Get off the boat Op!

Distance yourself

Hope you are feeling better this morning. This is completely your Mums issue. She thinks you should be a carbon copy of her and hates that you aren't and are succeeding in having a career, DC and a DH that does his share.

Onwards and upwards and don't be afraid to move away to get away from her constant criticism and interference. If moving means you could afford to buy a house go for it!

Congratulations! What an achievement :-)

You need to work on separating yourself off from your Mum. She clearly sees you as part of herself/her child and still wants to control you. And I wonder if you have maybe let that happen by going to her for advice/acting like a child?

Time to set some boundaries with her. Not easy, but if you want to continue to have a relationship with her you need to do this now, otherwise nothing will ever change. Good luck

I don't think it's just jealousy, I think she wants to be able to feel superior to you, hence you being the 'black sheep' for doing things differently to her. Most parents want their children to be successful and have better lives than they did themselves, so to be angry with you for doing well is particularly unpleasant IMHO.

You're never going to get their approval unless you restrict your own life as she did, so you need to focus on yourself and your own family now, not what your parents want.

Congratulations OP on the new job. I’m a lot older than you and my mum is no longer with us. This does remind me of the way my mum was with me /us. And my dad actually. Sadly for me I always tried to keep the peace and didn’t push back enough. ( I hadn’t discovered Mumsnet then either!)

One example I can give is when we were looking for a house - we made an offer in an old mill cottage ( sounds grander than it was) which was ‘marvellous ‘ according to her then we decided that it wasn’t for us and went for a more modern practical larger home. According to her this was on a run down estate which was scruffy. It absolutely wasn’t - it was on an estate which was and still is lovely ! But it wasn’t what she wanted and we weren’t living our lives in her image .
I’m telling you this because it took me until my thirties and when she was old and I’ll before I realised she was doing this. Even now I catch myself looking at my dad for approval in situations.

I see both of them differently now and I do love my dad but he’s so far away from me in his views and what he thinks my life should be / my decisions.
So take the job .. fly in your career OP you can be anything you want to be . It’s your life.

Congratulations op.
I have always worked shifts and I love it.
My kids are adults now and they have not had a chaotic or disruptive life at all.
My dad was a shift worker and my life wasnt chaotic.
Your mum is talking nonsense.

I made a similar move to you, from band 5 to band 6 in an area I had very little experience in. I had two primary aged children at the time and within weeks of starting, discovered I was expecting my third. I did, at times, wonder if I would have been better staying in my more “child friendly” role.

……. And then I blinked. My primary children are young adults. My baby is 15 and I am in a a far better position than my colleagues who stayed put. If you and your husband are happy with the arrangements then it has nothing to do with your mother. I would definitely arrange other childcare for the days you need it and if your mother wants to have your children, make it a separate thing.

Congratulations on your promotion and yeah, get a cleaner if that suits you!

@Reallybadidea

I don't think it's just jealousy, I think she wants to be able to feel superior to you, hence you being the 'black sheep' for doing things differently to her. Most parents want their children to be successful and have better lives than they did themselves, so to be angry with you for doing well is particularly unpleasant IMHO.

You're never going to get their approval unless you restrict your own life as she did, so you need to focus on yourself and your own family now, not what your parents want.

This is a classic Narc trait. Children are there to serve the parents needs and should not have lives of their own. Its all about propping up the toxic parents image of themselves as superior to everyone. By forging their own path ( normal) they cause a Narcissistic wound in their ( abnormal) parent. Hence the rage and toxic behaviour.

@Missmaya Congratulations. What does dh say?

I'm glad you posted OP, because you need some perspective.

Congratulations on your new job.
You applied for it, you got it, you wanted it, you are happy.
It is therefore the right job for you.

Your working life is none of your mother's business.
Next time she scolds you for anything to do with your career, feel free to tell her to fuck off.
Your dad is not much better is he? Was able to tell you well done - but then backed off like a coward because he'd rather enable his bitch of a wife.

I suggest you work on a go-to phrase to chant at your mother on repeat, so that you don't get drawn into the argument she's longing to have. Something like "it's none of your business & I'm done listening to your nonsense" should do the trick. Keep saying it as you walk away from her.
Seriously. You have to demonstrate that nothing she says will make any difference, & that you WILL NOT STAY in her presence when she is being a bitch to you.

She sounds like she has some kind of Cluster-B personality disorder. This isn't the first time she's treated you as her whipping boy, is it?

It's completely ridiculous how invested your mother is in your job. You know she doesn't actually care about the job (as you hinted, she doesn't even understand what you do), she just craves an excuse to bully & undermine you?
Maybe she is jealous that you have a career. But that's not the point. Whatever toxic crap is motivating her cruel outbursts, you don't have to stick around to hear it.
And there's another phrase you can chant at her while you make a swift exit "I'm not interested in your bullying remarks" - & off you pop.

You don't owe her your time. You don't owe her any daughterly duties.
She is poison to you, & your best option is to SHOW HER that you now have zero tolerance for her foul rants, by removing yourself from her orbit every time she starts bitching at you.

www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Parents-Susan-Forward-ebook/dp/B003Q6D5PM/ref=sr_1_1?hvlocphy=131739&hvnetw=o&keywords=susan+forward+toxic+parents&hvadid=79852063888779&qsid=261-1013696-4818002&hvbmt=be&qid=1637489427&srpt=ABIS_BOOK&hvdev=c&sres=0553814826%2CB08R425R4Q%2CB00M0DB3ZG%2C0593020073%2C006220436X%2CB00TZE87S4%2C1786852365%2C1647801109%2C1439129436%2C9811181594%2CB00HJBMDXK%2C0060507853%2CB08XZDSF8Q%2C1615193820%2C0340733500%2CB07C6T7XMW&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-79852097708529%3Aloc-188&adgrpid=1277632551447200&sr=8-1

It's what's known as "cutting down the tall poppy" - next time something good happens to you OP, just don't tell her. Congratulations on your new job 😊

Congratulations @Missmaya.

What a strange thing for your DM to say. The normal reaction would be 'congratulations darling'.

So what does your DH think about all of this?

Why do you even listen when she starts criticising you? I don't let anyone criticize my choices at all- if one of my parents started telling me I was living life wrong aged 51 I would laugh, it would be so odd.

Advice is different, if you asked for it.

I just can't imagine listening to that for one second. Just say 'I'm an adult, I'm not going to sit here and be criticized' and get up and move/leave. Just let her know you are not a small child now waiting to be berated about school-work, you don't have to listen anymore!

You are the one with the children and you can determine how much she is in your lives, so go ahead and do that. My guess is she'll back down actually, once her audience is denied her, and if you don't respond/listen. If your dad says anything just say 'sorry, dad, don't want to hear it' and do the same.

You aren't there to be their 'person to kick' in life, assert yourself here, run your home how you please, do the job you please and see your parents and sister- if you please.

You are in charge now, honest!

Christ on a cross, who is actually going to do the work, her or you? You should be so proud of yourself, and if you are old enough to work for your living you are old enough to ignore your mothers weird and old fashioned advice. Congratulations on the job.