Family fall out over my new job

[Missmaya]

NC as this could be really outing

I'm a clinician in the NHS and I recently applied for a promoted post. I work office ours right now and the new post is a mix of office hours and shift work. I was unexpectedly successful at interview and was offered a post. I was feeling really stuck in the job I was in and needed a new challenge. The new post is in a new developing service and really caught my eye. I applied even though I don't have experience in that particular field. I was absolutely over the moon when I was offered the job

My parents have went absolutely mental. My mum said I was selfish I never think about anyone but myself I'm taking this new job just to suit myself and I never think about how my actions affect other people. She also said my life is too chaotic and I make bad decisions. She said it's going to be bad for my DC's they always have chaotic lives without me working shift work as well.

FYI - DH is a teacher we don't really need that much in the way of childcare. My mum works in the school my DC's attend. The odd time she takes them home with her and keeps them for about half an hour until DH gets home. So this is nothing to do with childcare. Even the taking them home is because she chooses to we are very lucky we have loads of family around us and other means so we don't "rely" on her if that makes any sense.

She also kept saying I can't cope with the job I have now (no idea where she gets that from she has no concept of what my job even is) how will I cope with a band 6. Also she kept saying it's "came out of the blue" which again isn't true as I've been thinking of moving on for a while.

I was absolutely distraught. My dad at least said well done she said she can't congratulate me because she doesn't understand it.

I got so upset and told my mum I can't believe her reaction she's being totallt out of order and even if she thinks it's the wrong choice she should respect it is my choice and be happy for my achievement. She said I'm putting my career before my DC's.

Now my dad's fell out with me for disrespecting my mum aka standing up for myself.

Why are you involving your parents in career decisions?
It's not their place to give you (bad) advice.
Time to get other childcare in place and take this opportunity.
Well done on getting it.

Your mum is a bitch.

Congratulations on your new job!

Her mother said her kids' life was chaotic. That accusation doesn't come out of nowhere.

Well, it might. Not all mothers are wonderful people, you know.

Also domestic goddesshood is not a prerequisite for a happy childhood.

Her mother said her kids' life was chaotic. That accusation doesn't come out of nowhere
Are you joking g. Haven't you heard that some mothers can be toxic.
My mum used to say I was fat . I was 8.5 stone and 5ft 5. I wasnt fat.
My mum used to say I didnt care about anyone but myself. I've spent two decades nurturing my family and have a great relationship with them.
My mum said I had no friends, go figure 🤷‍♀️
Just because some says something it doesnt mean it's true.

I really feel for you OP, your parents reaction must have really taken the shine off your promotion. I can empathise, my mother was always very critical of me, it never changed, I got fed up on walking on eggshells, we have been NC for many happy years now. Congrats you getting the job, you can do it, don’t be limited by your mums narrow minded view of life, she made her choices, it time for you to make yours without judgement. Good luck OP, and many congratulations.

You sound like an old, jealous boomer mum like OP's mum who has no idea what it means to be a parent today

Nice bit of casual ageism. You evidently have no idea what it was like for women having children in the 80s and 90s.

I just don’t understand why grown ups allow their parents to dictate to them. Frankly it is none of your mother’s business. Just grey rock her. And congratulations on your promotion. Go for it.

Congratulations on your new job OP 💐

As for your mother- ignore.Tell her that if she has nothing nice to say it’s better if she doesn’t speak or ask her outright what her problem is.

This is not 1950’s where woman is not supposed to be anything else but a kitchen appliance with built in childcare function and no career aspiration.

So sad that some parents can’t enjoy their children success and be supportive of their life choices.

Shift work is absolutely doable if you have childcare sorted.

Hope your new job goes well.

Whereas my house might be a bit less organised but it's flexible and adapts to the needs of the DCs, it's a happy and content house. I don't want to bring my DC's up the way I was brought up

Good for you. It's your life, not hers. I was heavily criticised by MIL for not having a house as immaculate as hers ( I later discovered that she had a cleaner) or as well turned out as SIL's (on 4 times our income).

I remember FIL actually telling me in the most pompous way that I should let the baby cry so that I could get on with cleaning.

Do things in the way that suits you and enjoy your new job!

Her mother said her kids' life was chaotic.

As this is the mother who also said
I was selfish I never think about anyone but myself I'm taking this new job just to suit myself and I never think about how my actions affect other people. She also said my life is too chaotic and I make bad decisions. She said it's going to be bad for my DC's they always have chaotic lives without me working shift work as well.,
I'll take her histrionics with a pinch of salt @BoredZelda
.

I'll take her histrionics with a pinch of salt @BoredZelda**

As you wish. I prefer to remember there are two sides to every story. And to not call a woman's comments "histrionics"

I'll call anyone I please histrionic if it feels fit. OP's mother reads like a woman well used to catastrophising normal life events & demonising her own daughter, but you do what makes you comfortable Zelda, I'm happy to agree to disagree.

As you wish. I prefer to remember there are two sides to every story. And to not call a woman's comments "histrionics
When you're defending a woman who is belittling her daughter for daring to have a career instead of putting her husband's slippers by the fire, it's a bit much go try and turn the feminist arguments on.

A mother who:
Belittles her daughter
Puts her daughter down
Calls her daughter selfish for having a life beyond the home
Diminishes her daughter's achievements

Claims her daughter makes bad decisions for making different life choices
Makes it clear that a woman's place is in the home
Suggests her daughter is a poor mother bringing her children up in chaos
Views herself as the pinnacle of all things good and womanly (martyr to the cause, house organised their way, their way is the best and only acceptable way for a woman to run a home)
Makes it clear that one daughter is excellent whilst scapegoating and insulting the other daughter

is not a pleasant mother.

A mother who prioritises and praises the child in their own image whilst being unpleasant to the child who has carved their own path instead of being a mini-me isn't someone who I'd be saying "there's 2 sides to every story" for.

Most of what the OP outlines from her Mum can be summed up as: Mum thinks very highly of herself and her womanly goodness, sister is in mums image so is rewarded with praise, OP has ideas above her station by having a career marrying a man who pulls his weight at home so needs bringing down a peg or two.