Family fall out over my new job

[Missmaya]

NC as this could be really outing

I'm a clinician in the NHS and I recently applied for a promoted post. I work office ours right now and the new post is a mix of office hours and shift work. I was unexpectedly successful at interview and was offered a post. I was feeling really stuck in the job I was in and needed a new challenge. The new post is in a new developing service and really caught my eye. I applied even though I don't have experience in that particular field. I was absolutely over the moon when I was offered the job

My parents have went absolutely mental. My mum said I was selfish I never think about anyone but myself I'm taking this new job just to suit myself and I never think about how my actions affect other people. She also said my life is too chaotic and I make bad decisions. She said it's going to be bad for my DC's they always have chaotic lives without me working shift work as well.

FYI - DH is a teacher we don't really need that much in the way of childcare. My mum works in the school my DC's attend. The odd time she takes them home with her and keeps them for about half an hour until DH gets home. So this is nothing to do with childcare. Even the taking them home is because she chooses to we are very lucky we have loads of family around us and other means so we don't "rely" on her if that makes any sense.

She also kept saying I can't cope with the job I have now (no idea where she gets that from she has no concept of what my job even is) how will I cope with a band 6. Also she kept saying it's "came out of the blue" which again isn't true as I've been thinking of moving on for a while.

I was absolutely distraught. My dad at least said well done she said she can't congratulate me because she doesn't understand it.

I got so upset and told my mum I can't believe her reaction she's being totallt out of order and even if she thinks it's the wrong choice she should respect it is my choice and be happy for my achievement. She said I'm putting my career before my DC's.

Now my dad's fell out with me for disrespecting my mum aka standing up for myself.

Yanbu…take that job unapologetically. Times are different from when your mum was raising a family, economics are different, politics are different, opportunities are scarce and at the end of the day, it’s none of her business.

She wouldn’t be saying the same if your dh was promoted and had more hours to put in, would she?

Silence the madness. Take that job.

My former neighbour had a mother similar to yours with very strong opinions and attitudes. My neighbour never really worked, stayed home bringing up the family and to be honest became more and more toxic, unpleasant and bitchy. Basically turning into her mother. It was quite sad to witness. That's what can happen if you don't break free and live a life of your own.

So don't give into your mothers views. She sounds jealous and wants to hold you back. You're doing brilliantly, be proud of getting a great job, open a bottle of champagne and celebrate. If you stand your ground now, your mum might realise the power balance has shifted and be less inclined to impose her ver unpleasant views on you in the future

How strange for your parents to think they have any right to tell you what you should do. Fair enough to express concern if she's worried but she should have piped down as soon as it was clear you were taking it. If you and your DH have decided that this is going to work for your family then that's all that matters.

Are you the youngest by any chance? I definitely feel I'm still judged differently to my older siblings despite us all being in our thirties!

God your mum is suffering from some serious internalised misogyny. Sounds like she is also pretty angry about her choices and is taking it out on you. Do the new job, inhabit your ‘chaos’ and refuse to discuss it with her again (or have a blank mantra to stonewall her with every time she tries to raise it). It is enough for women to find space to push them selves and take on promotions after DC, the cards often seem stacked against us, you don’t need her self indulgent bullshit on top of it. You have heard her out once out of resident but you don’t share or endorse her view so you won’t need to hear it again.
I send you strength!

It’s nothing to do with your mum! Congratulations on the new job, that’s awesome.

I think you need to accept nothing you do will please her.

I told my mum I’d been put forward for a promotion and she told me how thrilled she was and I deserve it. That’s a normal response.

Be very proud of yourself and try to protect yourself from your mum’s judgment.

Congratulations on your new job!

Your mother is way too invested in your life. And way too critical of it.

Is there truth in what she says that you are not facing up to? Is home life chaotic? Do you forget DC dental appointments, part invitations, mufti days etc, have to send them to school in grubby uniform because the laundry didn't get done? Do you forget to check their book bags/pay for their dinners/trips etc.

If so, sort that aspect of life out and get organised before you start the new job. If not, she is just putting you down.

Loads of NHS workers do shift work and are successful parents. Loads.

My immediate thought is that your mother thinks you will automatically try to utilise her to pick up the slack and she's not happy about it.

Even if you say you won't now, later down the line she will be called upon when other childcare plans fall through.

Congratulations on your new job!

Your mother sounds toxic and your father enabling. You might find it helpful to read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I'd take a step back from them if I were you.

Congratulations. Initially a band 6 isn’t a big salary increase but by the top of the scale it is. If you now have to work unsocial hours you’ll see a decent increase in income. I wouldn’t worry what your mum thinks/says. Challenge on why she’s been mean.

Congratulations!

My mum is the same with my career progress. I think it comes down to jealousy as she wasn't able to make the same decisions as I have been able too.

@Missmaya I have a similar dynamic.

My parents are objectively really proud of me, they understand that I have senior role (but not really what it involves) and I’m sure that they tell friends and family all about it. But actually they’d be happier if I lived round the corner, worked on the checkout at ASDA and saw them everyday. Now there’s nothing wrong with that life but it wouldn’t make me happy. My mother in particular struggles with that and I think sees my career progression almost as a direct rejection of her life choices. Your mum may be the same.

Well that was not what I was expecting.

Congratulations on your job and take a step back from your judgemental mother. Also, you are allowed to upset people who are being unreasonable.

Families can be strange about jobs. My brother and sister were congratulated when they got new jobs and everyone was pleased for them that they would be earning more etc.

I get some many digs about being 'rich' etc when I got my job in the current company, so when I was promoted it was the saddest thing to not share it with them but I decided not too.

I am not rich, I work really hard full time and I know my parents pay for my siblings when we do family day trips etc as they can't afford it. Or buy their kids school uniforms etc. I have a good life but a massive mortgage and expenses etc so have to careful with money .

I agree with those suggesting jealousy is behind your mum’s reaction..

Heaven knows it is hard enough for women to progress in the workplace without their mothers undermining them.

As an aside, what does being a ‘clinician’ involve?

I don't know you at all but I was really smiling when you wrote you had got the job in your post! I can't imagine anyone who actually does know you being anything but pleased for you.

Like many others are saying, I'd start pulling back from her. Spend less time with her. Don't tell her things that she doesn't need to know. Only use her for childcare sometimes and ask other people some of the time.

I was expecting the family fall out to be with your DH not your mother. Sounds like you are all a little too enmeshed in each others lives.

Your mother and fathers realtionship sounds like my outlaws, mother who did little jobs on the side, whilst keeping the house spotless, feeding her boys etc etc. Looks down on any female that would want to do something else. You progressing in your career she will see as a slap in the face to her own choices. It says alot about her tbh. Any decent parent would want the best for their children and congratulate them on their successes.

I think you need to step back from her for a while and focus on your DH and DC and enjoy your new job.

i am sorry she is not supportive and tbh has she ever been?

it is not to do with her

congratulations on your job!

Fuck them, don’t you dare turn down that job.

You can’t w in either way by the sounds of it.

Congratulations 🎉

Haven’t read all so might already have been mentioned but see Stately Homes thread on here. Long running hugely helpful thread on narcissistic parents.

Your mum has managed to make your good news all about her 🤔

Congratulations on the new job. Despite all the critical parenting you've managed to succeed at being a mum, wife and valuable employee - keep rising above the rest of your family trying to cut you down. Ignore them and the voice they've put into your head doubting yourself.

If you can't distance yourself then at least hold firm on your boundaries and don't let them put you down - stand up to the put downs if you can, ignore if you can't.

Enjoy your new job, you deserve it.

You are being a good example to your children by growing in your profession.
In the meantime your DH and you agree, and have no problems arranging childcare, then there is no issue here. By the way, working shifts actually may mean that you spend some more time with them on the days you are home. It is not the end of the world.
Your parents will soon enough feel embarrassed about their behaviour.
Congratulations OP. Well done to you!

Congratulations OP and good luck with your new role.

As everyone else has said, go for it and ignore your mum. Mine had the hump when I got a promotion to a project manager role and she couldn’t tell her friends I was a nurse anymore. Sometimes you just can’t win.

Do you still qualify for a council house even though both you and Dh have got good jobs?

www.mumsnet.com/service/notification/redirector/watched/Talk/relationships/4387624-October-2021-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes?msgid=112054521