Family fall out over my new job

[Missmaya]

NC as this could be really outing

I'm a clinician in the NHS and I recently applied for a promoted post. I work office ours right now and the new post is a mix of office hours and shift work. I was unexpectedly successful at interview and was offered a post. I was feeling really stuck in the job I was in and needed a new challenge. The new post is in a new developing service and really caught my eye. I applied even though I don't have experience in that particular field. I was absolutely over the moon when I was offered the job

My parents have went absolutely mental. My mum said I was selfish I never think about anyone but myself I'm taking this new job just to suit myself and I never think about how my actions affect other people. She also said my life is too chaotic and I make bad decisions. She said it's going to be bad for my DC's they always have chaotic lives without me working shift work as well.

FYI - DH is a teacher we don't really need that much in the way of childcare. My mum works in the school my DC's attend. The odd time she takes them home with her and keeps them for about half an hour until DH gets home. So this is nothing to do with childcare. Even the taking them home is because she chooses to we are very lucky we have loads of family around us and other means so we don't "rely" on her if that makes any sense.

She also kept saying I can't cope with the job I have now (no idea where she gets that from she has no concept of what my job even is) how will I cope with a band 6. Also she kept saying it's "came out of the blue" which again isn't true as I've been thinking of moving on for a while.

I was absolutely distraught. My dad at least said well done she said she can't congratulate me because she doesn't understand it.

I got so upset and told my mum I can't believe her reaction she's being totallt out of order and even if she thinks it's the wrong choice she should respect it is my choice and be happy for my achievement. She said I'm putting my career before my DC's.

Now my dad's fell out with me for disrespecting my mum aka standing up for myself.

Congratulations, ignore your Mum.

It is none of her business, frankly. It wouldn't occur to me to have an opinion about my DDs' career moves, unless they absolutely involved me (so say, if I did their full childcare and any move massively impacted the time/days I did that). And when my DDs; or their partners get a promotion, my reaction is to be happy for them.

I find it bizarre that some parents are like this. Ignore her.

Congratulations on your new job!

Tbh it sounds like your mum is jealous and has the attitude that everything should revolve around children/being a 1960s style wife/mum where she does all cleaning, cooking and tea on the table for 6pm sharp!

That's fine for her and was her choice but it's not your life (which is a good thing!)
Of course children are important but it's what works for your family not her and your being a good role model to your children about pursuing passions and a career!

Yeah the martyr thing is right I think and my dad seems to regard my mum as the gold standard of mothering.

I frequently get told my mum done this and that aka you're doing it wrong

It’s only your DM’s business if it affects her ie childcare and it sounds as if that is not the case. Tell her you are proud of yourself and so is your DH. Your family can adapt nicely to the new timetable and you hear her criticism but don’t feel it’s valid, then leave her to stew. Congratulations

She's projecting her shit onto you because you having a career and children invalidates her life choices.

I hope they don't put you down in front of your children

I’m the black sheep of the family
This is the reason…your sister is the golden child and you the scapegoat. You will never do right from doing wrong and this dynamic will transfer to your dc…my advice would be to disengage from all of them.

Congratulations! Female clinical leadership is what the NHS needs. Well done you.

If you were my daughter I’d be proud of you 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻. Give yourself a massive pat on the back and ignore your mum, she’s projecting an insecurity of hers onto you.

Wow, the more you post about your mum the more unfavourable my opinion of her. She is bizarrely controlling and over-involved, and a bit of a snob too about the council house thing. I really hope her snobbery and her disdain doesn’t come through in front of the kids. Maybe it’s time to gently put some distance between you both?

And of course - congratulations on getting the job OP! I do shift work and whilst it’s difficult we’re all still alive and well and our house is still standing… 😂

My dmum used always say After kids keep your career. Never be reliant on a man.

Sometimes opportunities rise and you just have to take them. They don't always come at the best moments of life but you have to think long term not short

Good luck op

Congratulations on the new job!

When my mum did the same to my dsis, it was out of some warped, old fashioned view that the mother should be doing the majority of the child raising and not leaving any part of it to the father. Also she hated that my dsis needed a larger car for commuting while dbil used the runaround hatch.

It could also be that your success is making her feel like an under achiever. People can be weird.

Don't take any notice. She is being ridiculous. Congratulations on the new job.

Congratulations OP xx It sounds like your mum thinks women should stay in the kitchen, have a little job for pin money for the children, or at the very least stop having dreams for their career. It's misogyny really. You're allowed to be fulfilled. Try and ignore.

Congratulations on your promotion and new role!
(That's what your mum should have said)

I guess you'll want to have some way to draw a line under it and stop her from going on ...

"Mum, I'm an adult and a parent myself. I'm not asking for your advice or comments on this. I expected you to be happy for me, as my mum, and it's sad that you haven't said so" (if she continues ... then add "Just stop now Mum, as I am unhappy with how you are talking to me")

I could understand her being like this if you got this job and then expected her to mind your children every afternoon and during the school holidays but this is not the case. Then she telling you it a pity your not a home owner when you live in a council house. Has she any idea how much housing costs have risen since her husband bought their home 30 plus years ago?
You and your husband lived on a limited budget for years due to back to back college costs. You availed of further education to get into a certain work area and your hard work got your present new job.
Your new role will pay you better, give you more experience and could open other doors at a later stage.
As your children get older the expenses get higher and then you have collage costs so the extra income will be welcome.

I would pass no remarks on your mother and what she said when she should be delighted in your good news. If she mentions your council house I say mam if you and dad sold this family house and bought a 1bed apartment you have plenty of money left over for a deposit on my non council house.

Firstly, congratulations op. You’ve clearly worked hard for this role and the recruiters thought you were well suited.

Please don’t let your mother’s hysteria pit you off. If you were a man then they would be full of praise. It’s not fair and it’s not on.

Congratulations. Your mum is controlling. She’s used to getting her own way and being the centre of everything. You being you means this isn’t true. You make her uncomfortable and this is her insecurity. Why is she working in YOUR dc school? Controlling. To be honest you’d be best off moving. Move away from her and move your kids school so she has no influence. Is she going to move when your kids go to secondary school? She wants you and your family codependent. It’s abusive behaviour. Emotional abuse. Does she have these outbursts often if her family don’t do things her way? Google “intermittent explosive disorder” and see if this fits?
Take and keep your job. Well done for breaking the cycle. Keep breaking it.

You could call her on it but be prepared for backlash “you are being hysterical. Stop. I will do as I please because I’m an adult. My career is none of your business”

She's projecting her shit onto you because you having a career and children invalidates her life choices.

I agree.
.
Congratulations on your new job. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. Doesn't sound like your mum enjoys hers much.

Is she jealous?

Well done. I work shifts and my children's lives are far from chaotic. I work the same amount of hours as someone who does 3 office days a week over 2 night shifts a week and we have no childcare, I'm at every school pick up and drop off. If you can make it work there are massive benefits to shift work. Plus if you do nights/weekends you'll get nightshift allowance on top of your new salary.

I also have a mum who disapproves of everything I do. I went to uni later and with kids and worked incredibly hard to get my degree. She said that I'd chosen an easier degree to manage through it. I keep her at arms length, only tell her what I want her to know and I'm sure she tells everyone that she doesn't have DC a lot but if she wants to play the martyr then crack on. It is v difficult when you don't have that natural bond with your mum, other people don't get it because they do everything with their mum and call their mum for everything.

It sounds like she’s way too comfortable passing judgement on things that are none of her business. She was rude and bitchy to say that about your new job, would she have said the same to someone who is her age and her friend? Has she not realised that you are an adult now, not a kid that she is used to controlling? I’d be putting a bit of distance into the relationship. I’m sure you don’t pass (negative) judgement on her life choices and she needs to take a step back and learn some manners, basically if what she said is not something she’s say to one of her contemporaries who is also her friend, she should not be saying it to you, it’s rude, hurtful and unnecessary.

You are not your mother. She chose her way of being a wife and mother, partly influenced by society and what she learned from her own mother.

Times have changed, women have more options. You have chosen a different way to her, and she disapproves because she thinks her way was "better". But it isn't; it's just different, and also a bit old fashioned.

Don't let this come between you.

Just smile and say mum, you made your choices, please let me make mine.

As for her saying you can't do the high level job, this is a mixture of jealousy and her still seeing you as a child.