Family fall out over my new job

[Missmaya]

NC as this could be really outing

I'm a clinician in the NHS and I recently applied for a promoted post. I work office ours right now and the new post is a mix of office hours and shift work. I was unexpectedly successful at interview and was offered a post. I was feeling really stuck in the job I was in and needed a new challenge. The new post is in a new developing service and really caught my eye. I applied even though I don't have experience in that particular field. I was absolutely over the moon when I was offered the job

My parents have went absolutely mental. My mum said I was selfish I never think about anyone but myself I'm taking this new job just to suit myself and I never think about how my actions affect other people. She also said my life is too chaotic and I make bad decisions. She said it's going to be bad for my DC's they always have chaotic lives without me working shift work as well.

FYI - DH is a teacher we don't really need that much in the way of childcare. My mum works in the school my DC's attend. The odd time she takes them home with her and keeps them for about half an hour until DH gets home. So this is nothing to do with childcare. Even the taking them home is because she chooses to we are very lucky we have loads of family around us and other means so we don't "rely" on her if that makes any sense.

She also kept saying I can't cope with the job I have now (no idea where she gets that from she has no concept of what my job even is) how will I cope with a band 6. Also she kept saying it's "came out of the blue" which again isn't true as I've been thinking of moving on for a while.

I was absolutely distraught. My dad at least said well done she said she can't congratulate me because she doesn't understand it.

I got so upset and told my mum I can't believe her reaction she's being totallt out of order and even if she thinks it's the wrong choice she should respect it is my choice and be happy for my achievement. She said I'm putting my career before my DC's.

Now my dad's fell out with me for disrespecting my mum aka standing up for myself.

Stop letting your DM have such an opinion about your life 🤷‍♀️ You're an adult, you have a lovely husband, stop giving them chances to comment.

Also RosesAndHellebores, I think you may have taken a wrong turn. This is Relationships, not AIBU. A bit more understanding towards people is generally expected.

I think she's jealous that you've been able to "have it all" eg a lovely helpful husband who doesn't expect you to wait hand and foot on him or do all the housework,a successful career in a job you enjoy,bring up a couple of kids who sound well adjusted and maintain a home.

She sounds stuck in a rut and unhappy with the way her own life has turned out and is projecting.

She needs to grow up and stop playing the martyr.

Even if the op now had to use paid childcare so what!! So many DC are in paid for childcare because that's life.

How dare a woman get satisfaction from paid work and career rather than have a show home.

Why is it ok for men to do so but not women.

@RosesAndHellebores

Well clearly you have options for a huge amount of unpaid help. I am afraid that absolutely huge favour means you have to take the opinions of others into account. You have no idea what the real world is like, with its associated costs, for people who have no help other than that which they pay for. You sound very entitled to me but then I'm 61 with grown up children and will not be providing free childcare. I may for a day each for them when the time comes but I certainly won't be doing it. I did my time with zero help.

Bore off.

You sound like an old, jealous boomer mum like OP's mum who has no idea what it means to be a parent today. Nobody is asking for free childcare.

Congrats OP, ignore your mum. The rest of us are proud of you.

@RosesAndHellebores

Well clearly you have options for a huge amount of unpaid help. I am afraid that absolutely huge favour means you have to take the opinions of others into account. You have no idea what the real world is like, with its associated costs, for people who have no help other than that which they pay for. You sound very entitled to me but then I'm 61 with grown up children and will not be providing free childcare. I may for a day each for them when the time comes but I certainly won't be doing it. I did my time with zero help.

Wow, how rude! Are you the OP's mum by any chance?

@hippymoon if roses hadn't said her age I may have thought that was my mum!! 😂 My mum's younger than that.

Your mum has issues - please ignore her. You've done all the hard work, f(unded childcare for your DC, worked together as a team with your DH - enjoy the rewards.

Roses needs to hellebore off.

@sparklefarts

Your mum is a knob

And so is roses

Congratulations on your new job role!

How can any parent undermind/belittle their child in a successful situation like this and me so critical of them? I don't get it.

My mum is also supportive. She is always proud of all my studying, fitness, family & life achievements and I am very grateful to her and I am always the same to her.

Your life, your choice, your job, your career. No one should ever think (usually unsupportive relatives) they can control your life or hold you. back.

When my cousin had her son she was pressured by her MIL to go part-time.

She had a successful career in finance and refused to do it.

How can people ever dictate that or interfere like that?

It's great to be reasonably selfish & self-entitled.

Only ambitious and self-entitled people achieve in life and career.

Your Mum sounds like the sort of older woman who thinks that because she didn't have a career and had her husband's dinner on the table that the younger mums of today should abandon their aspirations.

What's sad is that women of your Mum's outlook will almost always argue that women should martyr themselves 'for the good of the children' and not want to 'have it all', whilst never thinking that modern men should do an equitable share of domestic and family responsibilities.

@Lana07 so hard work doesn’t lead to achievement then?

Re the "chaos" DM and dsis are completely anal and run a tight ship. They are the most organised people I have ever come across. I am not. I'm always a bit last minute, I have lists about lists, and have to set myself reminders about things. I actually think I may have undiagnosed ADD. I'm just not a naturally organised person but it doesn't hold me back I have strategies I use.

So she’s not wrong about chaos, then?

A bit off to call an organised family “completely anal” There isn’t actually anything wrong with being like that. Kids thrive with stability.

@Footyyurt exactly!!! Well said

What is entitled about working hard and getting a promotion? OP already said she pays for childcare and has a supportive husband. Hmm sure it going to be terrible for OP to earn more money for herself, husband and children. Plus more pension contributions and future opportunities

Congratulations on your new job! And your lovely, supportive DH.

Your DM sounds controlling and toxic. Stop listening to her and stop engaging with her emotional blackmail re your DC. And who cares if she and your sister are more organised than you. You're clearly very competent and I'm sure you have plenty of skills that they don't. Just be yourself and be happy. And if your DM can't be happy for you, that's her loss.

I did my time with zero help.

You struggled and you want your children to struggle to? Cool.

So she’s not wrong about chaos, then?

A bit off to call an organised family “completely anal” There isn’t actually anything wrong with being like that. Kids thrive with stability
That's a bit uncalled for.

Having lists to do things and being a bit last minute isn't chaotic and your implication seems to be that people like OP's mum create environments where children thrive so by default OP's home must hinder her children.

Some people are anal and some people are deeply unpleasant about anyone who doesn't do things the way they do. It helps them to reinforce how brilliant they think they are, which is probably why people like that (as opposed to pleasant people who have varying levels of organisation) feel compelled to pull other people down.

@BoredZelda

OP does not say her household is disorganised to the detriment of her "kids' stability". She struggles and copes with lists and thinks she may have ADD. I have ADHD and do similar. It all happens as it needs to. Yes it's stressful (for me) but my family get the same stability as domestic goddess type woman who sails through it all. Let's not piss all over people who may be neurodiverse. Perhaps you think we shouldn't be allowed to breed?

OP does not say her household is disorganised to the detriment of her "kids' stability". She struggles and copes with lists and thinks she may have ADD. I have ADHD and do similar. It all happens as it needs to. Yes it's stressful (for me) but my family get the same stability as domestic goddess type woman who sails through it all. Let's not piss all over people who may be neurodiverse. Perhaps you think we shouldn't be allowed to breed?

Any other words you'd like to put in to my mouth?

Her mother said her kids' life was chaotic. That accusation doesn't come out of nowhere. OP confirmed it may well have some basis then accused her organised sibling of being anal. That doesn't sound like someone mimicking an domestic goddess through the clever use of lists.

@BoredZelda

OP does not say her household is disorganised to the detriment of her "kids' stability". She struggles and copes with lists and thinks she may have ADD. I have ADHD and do similar. It all happens as it needs to. Yes it's stressful (for me) but my family get the same stability as domestic goddess type woman who sails through it all. Let's not piss all over people who may be neurodiverse. Perhaps you think we shouldn't be allowed to breed?

Any other words you'd like to put in to my mouth?

Her mother said her kids' life was chaotic. That accusation doesn't come out of nowhere. OP confirmed it may well have some basis then accused her organised sibling of being anal. That doesn't sound like someone mimicking an domestic goddess through the clever use of lists.

There's a huge spectrum between chaotic and anal. It sounds like OP is organised enough for her children to feel safe and cared for without having to be obsessed with routine and order.

I think it's just a difference or lifestyle and there are pros and cons with each.

My upbringing was organised and set in routine... But it was also very strict bordering on controlling, far too rigid and definitely limited my childhood experiences

Whereas my house might be a bit less organised but it's flexible and adapts to the needs of the DCs, it's a happy and content house. I don't want to bring my DC's up the way I was brought up.

Congratulations on your new job, you fab DH, your ‘chaotic’ happy and fulfilled family.

Another vote for telling mommie dearest to fuck off. And maybe point out that you are a grown up now.

I think you did brilliantly well and your ma and sis are either suffering from tall poppy syndrome or resent that you are "not like them".

You be yourself - sounds like you and DH already have a great partnership and if your ma wants to be an arse about after school care, then MIL will step into the breach. By the sound of it, your ma wouldn't like that One Little Bit!

Well done