Family fall out over my new job

[Missmaya]

NC as this could be really outing

I'm a clinician in the NHS and I recently applied for a promoted post. I work office ours right now and the new post is a mix of office hours and shift work. I was unexpectedly successful at interview and was offered a post. I was feeling really stuck in the job I was in and needed a new challenge. The new post is in a new developing service and really caught my eye. I applied even though I don't have experience in that particular field. I was absolutely over the moon when I was offered the job

My parents have went absolutely mental. My mum said I was selfish I never think about anyone but myself I'm taking this new job just to suit myself and I never think about how my actions affect other people. She also said my life is too chaotic and I make bad decisions. She said it's going to be bad for my DC's they always have chaotic lives without me working shift work as well.

FYI - DH is a teacher we don't really need that much in the way of childcare. My mum works in the school my DC's attend. The odd time she takes them home with her and keeps them for about half an hour until DH gets home. So this is nothing to do with childcare. Even the taking them home is because she chooses to we are very lucky we have loads of family around us and other means so we don't "rely" on her if that makes any sense.

She also kept saying I can't cope with the job I have now (no idea where she gets that from she has no concept of what my job even is) how will I cope with a band 6. Also she kept saying it's "came out of the blue" which again isn't true as I've been thinking of moving on for a while.

I was absolutely distraught. My dad at least said well done she said she can't congratulate me because she doesn't understand it.

I got so upset and told my mum I can't believe her reaction she's being totallt out of order and even if she thinks it's the wrong choice she should respect it is my choice and be happy for my achievement. She said I'm putting my career before my DC's.

Now my dad's fell out with me for disrespecting my mum aka standing up for myself.

First of all, congratulations. It sounds like this will be a great opportunity for you. Enjoy it!

Secondly, so long as you and your DH are happy with the decision then it has nothing to do with your mother. (If your life was in utter chaos and she was forever picking up the pieces, or there was going to be a genuine impact on your DC's care, then she might be allowed a view but there is nothing to say it will).

Thirdly, I don't know your mother but I would put money on this is about jealousy. Likely sub-conscious. She worked a number of minimum wage jobs and has painted herself as someone who gave up having a career for her children - suggesting you can't do both. You are now showing her that you can actually, which is pricking at something in her sub-conscious. She has enjoyed feeling superior (and this also explains the comments about you not owning your home etc) - and you aren't conforming to that.

Keep achieving in your work. Keep being a great mum in your own way. Don't let your mother drag you down. This problem is in yoru head, not reality.

Congratulations! I do hope that you are taking the job!

What’s the bad choices/chaotic lives stuff all about? Is that because of the council house? Does she think you should not have gone to university, but worked in a low paid job and kept the house tidy?

Sorry my last sentence was supposed to say

This problem is in her head, not reality.

Firstly congratulations- you west obviously the right fit for the job and it’s exciting to be facing a new challenge.
Even as grown adults we seek our parents approval and it’s upsetting when they don’t give it.
But you are an adult in your own right now and do not need their approval for the choices you make.
As long as your dh is supportive, your kids are happy then that’s all you need to worry about.
If you don’t take these opportunities when they arise you will never know how it will work out. One day your kids will be teens, not need childcare as such and will look up to you as a hard working parent as their positive role model.
Shake off your mums comments and enjoy the success of your new job!

Well done about the job, you should be proud of yourself!

As for your mum I would be inclined to tell her very little about your life of this is the reaction. You are a grown women with a home, husband children of your own. She should back off and be quietly supportive in the background. I say this as a mother of grown up,children. I would never interfere in the way your mum has.

Congrats on the job!

She’s jealous. She thinks you should martyr yourself like she did. The fact you’re treading your own path is pissing her right off.

Just ignore it all

@RockingMyFiftiesNot

Do your parents help you with childcare / emergency care?

Did you read the OP?

Stop telling her things, it will be really hard at first but you can soon break the habit. It won’t feel comfortable but it’s worth it!

If you don't keep asking for childcare and help at short notice then I really don't see what she is complaining about. It seems a great thing to find a different challenge and as DP is a teacher so you have few childcare issues I don't see what she is sounding off about. Congrats on the job by the way!!

My Mum also regularly berates me for my job, she was a SAHM and housewife (only child) for all of her 65 years of married life. Never worked outside the home. She thinks my job is "too difficult" and "not suitable for a woman", she was very annoyed when I did a degree in my field followed later by an MBA. Honestly, I just ignore her and as I love my job I ignore her! But when she goes on and on it's annoying, I try to remain calm/civil and nice to her but she has no clue how important a good, interesting job is. Recently she has really quietened down as my DP (of 20+ years) got annoyed when she was on one of her rants. He's a very calm person but suddenly and sternly said "For goodness sake think about what you are saying. Tilly is very good at her job and enjoys it, she earns more than me and that really helps with family finances. Just because it is a different choice to the once you made doesn't make you right or wrong, just different". I hadn't heard him tick anyone off before!! I felt quite proud of him!

So perhaps you could enlist some help from your DH to put her in her place?

OP,
Your mum is projecting her unrealised ambitions to you. She is furious you are getting promotions and being a mother at the same time because she has never managed.
You need to stop sharing so much with her and put more distance.

Dear Mum

FuCk Off and live your own life instead of trying to control mine. I am an adult with children who should not still be having to justify my life choices to my sticky beak mother. Learn to respect my boundaries and butt out.

Thanks
Missmaya.

And leave her to sulk and stew over it.

Seriously do it. Instead of feeling constantly guilty and having to manage your mothers feelings and gain her approval. Liberate yourself from her bullshit. She won't understand anything but you being direct and blunt.

@Oblomov21

Do you still qualify for a council house even though both you and Dh have got good jobs?

i dont think people are asked to leave council houses and anyway, they are key workers,

Your mum sounds very similar to my grandmother, who is a complete narcissist- she can't feel any joy from anyone else's successes. If someone is happy she tries to find a way to bring them down or make the situation about her.

She also had a "golden child" who the other children were always unfavourably compared to (this golden child was an unemployed, divorced wife-beater who lived with my grandma until he died in his mid-50s from an alcohol-related injury. He also used to beat up his own mother, so very far from perfect).

My advice for you is to remind yourself constantly that her opinion is worthless. Live your life according to your own evaluation of what you can handle and where you want to be, seek advice from people who are mentally healthy and balanced and supportive of you.

It's a tough situation but your best approach would just be to not talk about anything work-related with your mother and keep things at surface-level so she doesn't batter your confidence and bring you down to her level. I agree with PPs - she is jealous and sees you as invalidating the argument that "I couldn't have achieved more because I was a mother".

I think she is a teeny bit jealous , just enjoy your new job , a council house is much better than a private rental and a mortgage can be a millstone round your neck unless its affordable and where you want to live .Your kids are fine & the times your mum lived through have changed .

What a bonkers reaction. I think there is more than a spoonful of jealousy going on here.
I never comment on my son and DiLs work unless its to say something positive because its none of my business.

Good for you,what a miserable cow. My late father was like this,his and my entire life,my career wasn't good enough,nor were my hobbies.

What does your mum think is chaotic about your children’s lives?

I’m just wondering what the full story is. It seems a really extreme reaction from your mother if your life is going as swimmingly as you say it is.

Maybe it isn't jealousy as such, but a deeply ingrained conviction that the way she brought up her family was the right way and that therefore any other way of doing it is, by definition, wrong. Whether it's because that's what she genuinely believes or whether she is covering up a niggling suspicion that her choices were not in fact the best ones, you'll probably never know; possibly even she wouldn't be aware of it.

Your mum doesn't seem to be happy with any decisions that you make. She seems very critical of your choices from what you've said so far.
Congratulations on your new job. Go and celebrate with those who support you.

Big congratulations well done you. I think many people don’t see that furthering your career does benefit your children, you are providing them with a good role model and that your career also matters.
My mum is a young mum but believes that 8am is too early for children to be out the house for parents going to work in morning. Dc is dropped at nursery at this time and she is absolutely fine.
I’m on mat leave just now and my dad actually asked me if I was going to return to work. Never mind the fact I have a career I spent about 5 years studying for but sorry dad the house would need to be sold as money doesent grow on trees.
Go for it op x

My god op, it’s like you’re living my life! Only, it wouldn't just be my mum sticking her beak in, it would be my brother and sister as well!

My mum reacted exactly the same when I decided to leave teaching. She even came over late one night to “have a word” and started crying. Luckily I’m used to it but I’ve succumbed to guilt before.

The way I look at it is, you only get one life and if you’re not happy you quickly need to change that. You clearly wanted a change as you wouldn’t have been looking in the first place.

Congratulations!

Do you still qualify for a council house even though both you and Dh have got good jobs?

I've never heard such nonsense, having good jobs has nothing to do about paying rent on a council house. OP and her DH obviously met the initial criteria when they were offered the house. I know people in council houses, some run businesses from them, shock, horror. Have you to be on the bones of your arse to stay in one.

my colleague was concerned her when her dd went full time, concerned for her grandchildren,
but she did not voice it to her dd.

i guess your dm is just not holding back her concern

Please don't listen to your mum. She seems to be struggling with you having made different choices to her, but that is not your problem!

Congratulations on the job 🎉🎉🎉