Family fall out over my new job

[Missmaya]

NC as this could be really outing

I'm a clinician in the NHS and I recently applied for a promoted post. I work office ours right now and the new post is a mix of office hours and shift work. I was unexpectedly successful at interview and was offered a post. I was feeling really stuck in the job I was in and needed a new challenge. The new post is in a new developing service and really caught my eye. I applied even though I don't have experience in that particular field. I was absolutely over the moon when I was offered the job

My parents have went absolutely mental. My mum said I was selfish I never think about anyone but myself I'm taking this new job just to suit myself and I never think about how my actions affect other people. She also said my life is too chaotic and I make bad decisions. She said it's going to be bad for my DC's they always have chaotic lives without me working shift work as well.

FYI - DH is a teacher we don't really need that much in the way of childcare. My mum works in the school my DC's attend. The odd time she takes them home with her and keeps them for about half an hour until DH gets home. So this is nothing to do with childcare. Even the taking them home is because she chooses to we are very lucky we have loads of family around us and other means so we don't "rely" on her if that makes any sense.

She also kept saying I can't cope with the job I have now (no idea where she gets that from she has no concept of what my job even is) how will I cope with a band 6. Also she kept saying it's "came out of the blue" which again isn't true as I've been thinking of moving on for a while.

I was absolutely distraught. My dad at least said well done she said she can't congratulate me because she doesn't understand it.

I got so upset and told my mum I can't believe her reaction she's being totallt out of order and even if she thinks it's the wrong choice she should respect it is my choice and be happy for my achievement. She said I'm putting my career before my DC's.

Now my dad's fell out with me for disrespecting my mum aka standing up for myself.

Fellow black sheep. I found therapy greatly helpful for not giving a fuck what my mother thought.

It's not really any of your mum's business.

I know it's easier said than done, but I'd just shrug your shoulders and say "sure, ok mum" and then change the subject.

She sounds jealous. Narcissistic parents don’t celebrate their children’s successes because it reminds them of everything they failed to achieve. It’s normal to love your children and want them to do well in life but narcissistic parents make it all about them instead.

My dad's dinner was always put down for him and his packed lunch made and work clothes washes and ready. DH and I are not like that.

She is probably old school and thinks you aren't looking after your DH properly and feels sorry for him. (so ignore)
She probably doesn't like to see the chaotic home (get a cleaner)
She is probably jealous of the arrangement you have with DH and of the new promotion.
It's her way or the highway - you aren't going to follow her model so accept you can't win and get on with your life.

Definitely sounds like jealousy

I was given a big pay rise recently and heading for a big promotion in the new year. Expected a well done that's fantastic etc etc but it was ignored by parents and sibling. DH said I wasn't to repeat how much the pay rise was 🤔 so my excitement has turned into feeling like it's a dirty little secret that I should feel embarrassed about

Congratulations!

As others have said - it's really not your mum's business. Her opinion on your job is of zero importance and you don't have to listen to it at all. It's great if you have supportive parents who build you up and share in your successes. And it's great if you have insightful parents who can offer useful advice and experience to help you avoid pitfalls or the like. But parents who spend their time criticising you and putting you down - there isn't a lot of point to them, is there? You don't owe them your fealty. That's not how life works anymore.

You sound like you might need a bit more separation from them.

Look up "crab bucket".

Quite frankly @missmaya the only person whose opinion matters is your dh's. Is he on board with the new job? If so tell your mum you appreciate her opinion but as you and dh have discussed it and agreed it is a positive step her approval is not required.

Congratulations o. The new job, they clearly saw the potential in you and you should be massively proud of yourself. Don't let her piss on your chips

She sounds jealous. I'd give her minimal updates on your work and lifestyle in future.

I think the real question is why do you need your mother's approval or validation?
Is that very important to you?
My mother is ashamed of the work I do.
She won't even disclose the nature of my work to my sister, other reltaives or her friends.
In fact she lies to them, She has told some people I am an author, others that I am a firefighter- all far from the mark.
Truth is I don't care is she is ashamed of me.
I love my work and I am proud of what I do.
I dont need her validation.

Loads of Mums are band 6 - don’t let your Mums jealousy bring you down or make you feel like you don’t deserve or will be great at the job. Don’t let her voice pick away at your self esteem.

Families are weird. I went to university (like my parents wanted me to), stayed on for a masters degree (very proud of me), moved to London to work (independently), did teacher training (oh yes very good) and then got a job in an admittedly lovely school but that was no longer suitable post DC.
Every single job since then has had something wrong with it. The commute, the hours, the impact on DH and DC. When I’ve gone for promotion it’s been met with anxiety and ‘don’t take on too much’. At one point DFIL said to me ‘well of course DH’s job is the priority’
Both DM and DMIL stayed in jobs they were unhappy in for years and years and years because they lacked the confidence to even apply For something else. So I should stay in my lane and not draw attention to myself, not push myself and just let DH earn all the money. However we have a bloody massive mortgage, live in the South East and need to both work to pay for those choices we’ve made. I’m perfectly happy with that, but apparently we should have made different choices 🤷‍♀️

Your parents are being completely unreasonable. I agree with other posters that I'd start organising alternative childcare that's not your mum for when you need it. She may decide she wants to make life difficult for you, and you don't need that stress. Congratulations on the new job, if your DH is fine with it, then there's no issue. You're doing a good thing for the future of your family, regardless of what your mum thinks.

@Whatsnewpussyhat

She's projecting her shit onto you because you having a career and children invalidates her life choices.

This. Ignore. Congratulations.

She sounds nuts I think you need to take a step back tbh. Agree you need emergency childcare backup im case she decides to make a point.

Congratulations on the job, OP. You have earned it.

As for your mom, she just sounds jealous because you are doing better in your career than she did in hers. From the comments your father has made in the past it sounds like she had wanted to do better but he has held her back, so being a mom and housewife is mostly all she has.

Congratulations OP. I’m sorry your mums reaction was weird.

Your mum is interfering to the point she is being controlling. Is that normal for her?

She also sounds insecure maybe because she hasn't had a great career herself. That's not judging, my life is similar to hers. I also made the choice to be a mainly SAHM which meant stepping off the career ladder and only having low paid, PT work after that. That was the right choice for me. It doesn't mean it would be the right choice for my adult DDs. Is she jealous of your success?

You are an adult now. You don't have to answer to her. She is no longer the boss of you. Smile and nod when she talks, then follow your own judgement. If her or your dad push things tell them you don't want to fall out over this so you will have to agree to disagree. Have back up childcare in place in case she gets awkward.

Most of all, be proud of yourself. Congratulations on your new job.

Your Mum sounds a bit like Hyacinth Bouquet and worried about the image projected in the community.
You need some distance between your families as she clearly can't see you have grown up into your own successful woman as are not still a young child she needs to influence.
If it works for you and your DH then it's not her perogative to worry or comment providing you will not need additional support from her with the DC.
Well done, enjoy the new job.

Gosh, very well done 👍🏻 great for your career and being band 6

As for your mum the comment about being a band 6 sticks out and I agree with whatsnewpassycat
Your mum ever told your dh that he’s putting his career before his children? But of a sexist comment if he hasn’t had that same sentence thrown at him

If you're the black sheep, then anything you do won't be quite right. You'll find more freedom in letting go from. Ever trying to appease them, and living your life as you see fit. Stop caring about their thoughts and feelings - they certainly don't care about yours.

It's a painful realisation, but ultimately freeing.

She could be toxic or controlling. Either way she is completely out of order. Congratulations op

She's over involved. How often do you see or speak to her?
Ignore any accusations about keeping the DC from her. Why would the thought she might do that worry you anyway?
Just see less of her.

I had similar from my mum when I started work again. I have mobility issues and my first week was extra hours for training, so I was really sore but it was temporary iyswim. She came along to my house uninvited, starts flapping and getting in the way trying purposefully to stress me out and when I took the bait she looses it. Then shouts at me that she knew this would happen, I can't do this job, it's too hard and I should have known better like she did.

Anyway people like this can't be reasoned with, they'll find faults even if they have to make them. So don't even bother trying to please her, you did great getting the job, congratulations!

Could it be to do with her concern that you will miss things with the children having a job that works shifts? We have a similar set up here, though I am the one with the regular hours and DH with the shift work. He works in emergency services and has missed Christmas, birthdays, every other weekend. It put pressures on the family, not in terms of childcare but in not being around. Days off in the week are great when you are young and child free but not so good when your children are at school. BUT my children are so proud of him and don't know any different, it is only DH that really feels it. As long as you have gone into this with your eyes wide open and it works for your family then go for it. Agree to sort alternative childcare so your choices don't impact her and well done on the promotion.