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Original poster

Does he go out too much?

288 replies

cookiemum6 · 13/11/2021 09:04

We have two DC. One is 5, the other is 8 months. He works full time Monday-Friday which isn't the issue, but I don’t look forward to the weekends like I should. He leaves the house at 7am on Saturdays to play golf and comes home around 3ish. Then Sundays he leaves the house at 8am and comes home 4ish as he plays football then goes back to the pub. I’m just so fed up. I feel like I do it all on my own. I’m so tired all the time. I know it’s not DC’s fault, but I’ve just sat and cried in frustration as he is teething and has done nothing but scream for the past 20 minutes and my 5 year old has done nothing but moan saying he’s bored. I have spoke to DP and asked if he would mind stopping golf for a couple of weekends maybe so it would feel like I had a bit of a breather on a Saturday morning. But he’s refused and told me that he’d never stop me from doing a hobby. But that isn’t the issue for me. I just feel so down and tired and fed up

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 13/11/2021 09:15

He should be wanting to spend time with you all at the weekend; doesn’t sound like he contributes much to your life really

Wolfiefan · 13/11/2021 09:16

You need to take up a hobby. Even if it’s spending a day in bed at the weekend!
He’s opting out of being a parent. That’s not acceptable.

Yummypumpkin · 13/11/2021 09:17

But he is stopping you from doing a hobby because you have to look after his kids 24/7 and do all the housework.

Keeping2ChevronsApart · 13/11/2021 09:18

Well get yourself that hobby. One that starts as soon as he gets home, and come back whenever we you feel like it. Or just go out

Wheelerdeeler · 13/11/2021 09:18

And when would you have time to do this hobby? Tell him you've taken up hiking and will be gone next Saturday at 630am. He can't say no as he said he'd never stop you doing a hobby.

Honestly tell him to grow up. What was the point in him having children if he never sees them?

Also grow a back bone and tell him you are going out. He assumes you are available to parent all the time. It's disrespectful to you.

Parky04 · 13/11/2021 09:20

He is incredibly selfish. You may as well be single! I wouldn't put up with it.

Dunnowhatalltheacronymsmean · 13/11/2021 09:21

Does he have any redeeming qualities? From what you've written he sounds like a selfish arse who doesn't appreciate you, doesn't pull his weight, and doesn't deserve to appreciate the nice bits of family life when he swans off each weekend pretending he's got no responsibilities.

One of these things on its own, fine. It's nice of each person in a couple can have some down time alone. But gold AND football AND the pub every week. LTB.

He told you '...he’d never stop me from doing a hobby' but he is stopping you because by doing so many of his hobbies he's robbing you of time you'd have to do yours.

(written while having a child free lie in because DH is out tomorrow morning and making it up to me now - you deserve this).

AttaGirrrrl · 13/11/2021 09:23

But he’s refused and told me that he’d never stop me from doing a hobby.
He is stopping you from doing a hobby. He’s ensuring you never have time to!

I used to have this argument with ExH. He would go off doing whatever he wanted to and then tell me I was boring because I didn’t do anything

Point out to him that you have no opportunity to do a hobby due to his selfishness and that if he doesn’t start ensuring you either have a day to yourself each weekend, or a day together, then he’ll soon only be able to do his hobbies every other weekend as he’ll have his kids for the alternate ones.

LawnFever · 13/11/2021 09:26

He’s a selfish arse, when do you have time to do this mythical hobby of your own he claims he’s not stopping you doing?

Tell him your hobby is Friday nights in the pub drinking wine & Saturday until at least 11am having a nice lie in.

When does he actually do any parenting or contribute anything to the running of your home?

Whataday21 · 13/11/2021 09:27

Completely selfish and unacceptable. These activities would be at most once a month in this house. This is definitely grounds for splitting up as his mindset is completely dismissive of you and the children. There is no love or consideration.

BamberGascoine · 13/11/2021 09:30

OP I really understand where you are coming from. My children are now late teens to early twenties but when they were small this was my life (as well as mid week training and 5 a side). At the time I tried to change things but probably half heartedly. I started a hobby which was once a month on a Saturday, his answer to that was to get a babysitter which stressed me out more so I gave up. To be be fair I didn’t really press it but I really regret it looking back.

What made it worse for me was that I didn’t drive so was stuck in my very small town, we didn’t go to zoos, museums, trips etc that everyone else was doing as a family, I think it added to the depression I suffered for years.

As they got older in some ways it changed as they got their own hobbies. He had to give up football to assist with coaching and lifts etc. But I always look back at that time and feel sad and full of regret, I feel we didn’t have that important family time and the children are much closer to me and I think that’s why.

In short, if I could do things differently I would have stood my ground and probably wouldn’t have stsyed with someone so selfish who clearly didn’t want to put family first. In fairness things got better and it’s much different now but over the years I’ve been so unhappy I feel lime I’ve not lived the life I could have and should have. It has made me more able now to do what I want and put myself first though. Only you know how strong your marriage is and what you want. I just wanted to show you that you aren’t alone

Fireflygal · 13/11/2021 09:38

So his life hasn't changed since having children? He's utterly selfish and treating you like a housekeeper and nanny.

What of you separated, when would he have the children?

Tell him next weekend you are doing something, go to the gym, swimming pool, cafe with a book. Anything to get a break.

You need to recharge as no one can cope without support or a break from children.

inmyslippers · 13/11/2021 09:40

I would be soo resentful with this set up. It's like he's checked out the relationship and parenting

Comedycook · 13/11/2021 09:41

I'm really easy going about my dh going out but honestly this would really annoy and upset me...this is way too much. Maybe the odd weekend or day but every Saturday and Sunday basically means he gets to check out of family life and you're living like a single parent. Actually if you were a single parent, you'd probably get more time to yourself

samesign · 13/11/2021 09:42

He has the weekend almost to himself, that is selfish and sad that he doesn't want to do anything as a family together, I expect you cook him dinner when he returns too?
Nope wouldn't be happy with that set up.

GoodnightGrandma · 13/11/2021 09:43

He needs to choose a day, Saturday or Sunday, and the other day is yours.
He really is a selfish bastard. I hope your ducks are lined up ready.

crimsonlake · 13/11/2021 09:43

Similar here with my ex when my children were small...out with work on a Thursday night which meant a stay over in a hotel, Sat football then stayed on for drinks...
'You can go out if you want to...' apart from the fact I had done all my going out pre babies and him never being there to help stopped me.
' You are not my mother' if I asked him to stop.
A lot of the time I felt like a single parent whilst he continued his social life and eventually I was not the slightest bit bothered when he went anywhere.
If I could turn back time I would have stopped being the 'cool wife' who accepted he worked hard outside the home and it was perfectly fine to leave me to it at home with the children.
Instead I would have put my foot down hard, even if it meant we had split many years earlier which in lots of ways I wish we had.

Original poster

cookiemum6 · 13/11/2021 09:48

It’s like tomorrow, his team haven’t got a match due to something being wrong with the pitch, so rather than taking the opportunity to spend time with us or for us to go somewhere, he’s going watching his friends team instead

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 13/11/2021 09:50

He should be taking his kids to see some Xmas lights at a garden centre or something. Taking you all out for lunch.
He sounds like an absent father/husband, and I’d be considering if you’d be better off on your own.

traka · 13/11/2021 09:53

This sounds very unfair on you and the children

When do you actually do anything as a family if he's out all wkend every wkend?!

You need time alone too, sounds extremely one sided. He's opted out of family life

CurseofChristmas · 13/11/2021 09:55

You'd be better off single. I would tell him to start doing his fair share of parenting or that'll be the end of things.

When he comes home, leave him with the kids and immediately go out even if it's just to a coffee shop.

CrotchetyQuaver · 13/11/2021 09:58

@cookiemum6

That's really not on. He should be home with his DC and giving you a bit of a break.

KatherineSiena · 13/11/2021 09:58

He sounds horribly selfish. Have you pointed out to him how illogical he’s being in taking up all the weekend which prevents you having a hobby or time for yourself or indeed the family?

If you divorced you might stand a better chance of some time for yourself!

bonfireheart · 13/11/2021 10:01

Genuinely OP sign up to the gym or a boom club or exercise/yoga class whatever that starts at 5pm every day and leave him to do your hobby.
He honestly sounds like a twat and you deserve better.

Beefcurtains79 · 13/11/2021 10:01

Why don’t you kick off and put your foot down? Are you scared of him?
These threads always confuse me, why aren’t you saying no?

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