Does he go out too much?

[cookiemum6]

We have two DC. One is 5, the other is 8 months. He works full time Monday-Friday which isn't the issue, but I don’t look forward to the weekends like I should. He leaves the house at 7am on Saturdays to play golf and comes home around 3ish. Then Sundays he leaves the house at 8am and comes home 4ish as he plays football then goes back to the pub. I’m just so fed up. I feel like I do it all on my own. I’m so tired all the time. I know it’s not DC’s fault, but I’ve just sat and cried in frustration as he is teething and has done nothing but scream for the past 20 minutes and my 5 year old has done nothing but moan saying he’s bored. I have spoke to DP and asked if he would mind stopping golf for a couple of weekends maybe so it would feel like I had a bit of a breather on a Saturday morning. But he’s refused and told me that he’d never stop me from doing a hobby. But that isn’t the issue for me. I just feel so down and tired and fed up

@Beefcurtains79 I’m not scared of him. I’d just rather not have the argument that always starts when I try to talk to him about it. He’ll go into a mood and not talk to me which I find incredibly annoying. He’ll say things like “alright then, I’ll just do nothing all weekend then” it’s draining

@Whataday21

Completely selfish and unacceptable. These activities would be at most once a month in this house. This is definitely grounds for splitting up as his mindset is completely dismissive of you and the children. There is no love or consideration.

Struck me this way too.

He has to choose and gets one day off and the other is either your day off or family time if you all want to do something together.

For me that would be a non-negotiable except for one off events.

Tell him to take the dc and make your own plans from 7am to 7pm.

[quote cookiemum6]@Beefcurtains79 I’m not scared of him. I’d just rather not have the argument that always starts when I try to talk to him about it. He’ll go into a mood and not talk to me which I find incredibly annoying. He’ll say things like “alright then, I’ll just do nothing all weekend then” it’s draining[/quote]
He sounds like a stroppy teen, not a partner and father of two.

What a prick.

I have so many friends with partners like this. They do fuck all to help their partner and bugger off every weekend leaving the woman to do everything.

Personally I would not put up with it. I know easier said than done but there is no way I'd put up with a man like this.

Or make up a hobby and just go round town and for coffee and cake etc on your own

I look back now and wish I had said sooner to DH that I was divorcing him and he'd then have no choice but to have the kids ever other weekend so I could have a break and some me time and do some fun. It would have made me a better mother when the kids were young too as at least it wasn't just me and them all the time.

Of course I am happy now that I didn't divorce him but our youngest was 4 by the time I put my foot down to the one day of golf and one day following a fucking football team round the country with his immature mates.

You need to make a change now. It's not acceptable to treat you like this, put all the burden of childcare and responsibility on you whilst he acts like a stripy teenager.

Oh and I’ve just realised something else. He has a season ticket for a football team and happily gives his golf up when the team are playing at home! But not for me. It’s all coming out now

Well if you split up you'd have every other weekend free and he would have to cut down on hobby time.
I don't often say LTB but there is no way I would stand for this long term.
You will burn out! It's not good for you or the children!

@cookiemum6

It’s like tomorrow, his team haven’t got a match due to something being wrong with the pitch, so rather than taking the opportunity to spend time with us or for us to go somewhere, he’s going watching his friends team instead

He is taking the absolute piss. Golf and football every weekend? No bloody way. One of the other. You absolutely need to find your own ‘hobby’ PDQ that takes you out of the house one weekend day (make one up if you have to) so he has to step up to parenting his children.

Mine will go and play snooker and get pissed with his mates every weekend and strops if I ask him to miss it for one week saying what am I supposed to just be a hermit then. I fully sympathise with you.

There are two things here that are absolute dealbreakers for me.

1. He doesn't want to spend his free time with you or his own children. How hurtful and sad.

1. He sees you as default parent and is either so thick or almost gaslighting when he says 'well you could get a hobby' because he obviously means you getting a hobby at completely inconvenient times for you, around his existing activities.

He's an arsehole OP. He's a rubbish partner and a rubbish dad.

Don't waste your life on someone who cares so little about you and the kids.

I wouldn't do the whole 'I'm going out from 7-7 Saturday' to sort of punish him, because your time would be better spent using his day out to get your shit together and plan next steps to leave him.

You do everything already anyway and if you split you can work out a custody agreement that includes free time for you both.

You must be fucking exhausted and sick of the (rare) sight of him. You're obviously a lovely mum shouldering all the burden but don't let your kids grow up seeing a mum doing all the family stuff and a dad doing whatever he wants and barely being present in a meaningful way.

Please, don't waste your life on this loser.

@justswaying

Well if you split up you'd have every other weekend free and he would have to cut down on hobby time. I don't often say LTB but there is no way I would stand for this long term. You will burn out! It's not good for you or the children!

🙌🏻

@notafriggingain

Mine will go and play snooker and get pissed with his mates every weekend and strops if I ask him to miss it for one week saying what am I supposed to just be a hermit then. I fully sympathise with you.

How can you be with someone with so much contempt for you?! He sounds horrible.

You need to grow a backbone here. So what if he sulks? Sulk back ffs. And if he says ‘I’ll just do nothing all weekend then’ why don’t you point out angrily that doing stuff with his children isn’t ‘nothing’ and shame him up for being the shit parent that he is?
People treat you how you let them treat you I’m afraid. Show him you are made of just as stern, if not sterner stuff than he is.

@youvegottenminuteslynn oh this is just the tip of the iceberg believe me! I've been asking him to leave for months.

[quote notafriggingain]@youvegottenminuteslynn oh this is just the tip of the iceberg believe me! I've been asking him to leave for months.[/quote]
Can't you tell him it's over? File for divorce? You don't have to get his agreement that you are 'allowed' to split up - you can make the choice yourself

Maybe you should point out you can't possibly have a hobby for him to put a stop too because you have no f€%king free time to do one as you are looking after both your kids so that he is 'able' to do his.

Absolutely no way , relationships rely on compromising. Personally i would leave the kids with him the moment he returns on Saturdays for a while

Please don't tell me you feed him when he gets in. This 'man' has all the benefits of still living at home with his mum but gets to sleep with you. Why should he change? You need a plan of action and stick to it. If he's not willing to change an EOW arrangement is going to come as a huge shock.

I’d tell him you’re starting a new hobby on one of the weekend days and so you need to split the weekend, he has one day free to pursue his hobby and you have the other!
I’d also start divorce proceedings :)

His behaviour is unacceptable. You deserve better. He's a twat wrapping you up in false words. How on earth can you call this a partnership? Please see this for what it is... an immature manchild who is emotionally manipulative by switching off whenever you want to discuss his behaviour. I would not put up with this. At all.

He can't expect you to give up everything and his life to totally stay the same, I'm afraid and you are totally entitled to ask him to allow you some 'you' time.

The answer to 'do you want me to be a hermit' type expressions is 'No, but you clearly expect me to be one. Can you explain to me why that's fair?'

And if he gives you the 'Well I'm at work all week, I need to relax', the reply is 'Well I'm at work looking after the kids almost every moment I'm awake 7 days a week. Why can't I relax?'

The trouble is men I think are very much conditioned to claim their own time, to expect everyone to not to disturb them when they're doing something, and women are conditioned to be 'interruptable' by everyone else's needs - and men often seem conditioned to be astounded and offended when women ask for what they are entitled to. It's also worth spelling this out to guys - 'If you feel entitled to this [eg relaxation, switching off, seeing mates, hobbies], why aren't I?'

I'd be telling him bluntly that he picks either Saturday OR Sunday as his hobby day and that the other day he was spending with his children and I may or may not be there. I might make that day MY hobby day as he was responsible for our children that day.

This would be utterly non negotiable. If he didn't like it then he wasn't a partner and I'd file for divorce. As pp have said, you'd have free time then.

I couldn't actually be with someone this dismissive of pulling his weight.

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you for your kind words. He point blank refuses to go I've told him it's over every day for months. Short of involving the police I've exhausted all other options. We were supposed to be getting married next year and he still acts like it's still going ahead! I'm at my wits end now.

[quote notafriggingain]@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you for your kind words. He point blank refuses to go I've told him it's over every day for months. Short of involving the police I've exhausted all other options. We were supposed to be getting married next year and he still acts like it's still going ahead! I'm at my wits end now. [/quote]
Is it your own home or shared? I can't bear to think of someone living like this, you must be in a constant state of anxiety. I would at least ring any venue etc booked for the wedding and cancel to show you're serious. If it's your place and he won't leave then you should involve the police. If you feel strong enough then maybe start a thread on here at some point and people can support you through leaving? Poor you