Does he go out too much?

[cookiemum6]

We have two DC. One is 5, the other is 8 months. He works full time Monday-Friday which isn't the issue, but I don’t look forward to the weekends like I should. He leaves the house at 7am on Saturdays to play golf and comes home around 3ish. Then Sundays he leaves the house at 8am and comes home 4ish as he plays football then goes back to the pub. I’m just so fed up. I feel like I do it all on my own. I’m so tired all the time. I know it’s not DC’s fault, but I’ve just sat and cried in frustration as he is teething and has done nothing but scream for the past 20 minutes and my 5 year old has done nothing but moan saying he’s bored. I have spoke to DP and asked if he would mind stopping golf for a couple of weekends maybe so it would feel like I had a bit of a breather on a Saturday morning. But he’s refused and told me that he’d never stop me from doing a hobby. But that isn’t the issue for me. I just feel so down and tired and fed up

He needs to be supporting you, my ex was like this and used to say - you have no hobbies. I didn't want hobbies but I did want time to myself.
It doesn't sound like he will change and I think you deserve more as do his children. You need to make a plan to leave this man

You need to split your weekends 3 ways - 1/3rd his free time, your free time, and family together time. If he has one whole weekend for his hobbies, you have the next one, and the family all together (focus on kids activities) the one after that. It would be better to try and fit a bit of each into every weekend though really.

And if you don't have any couples time in the week, perhaps you should split the weekends 4 ways so you can get a baby sitter and do something as a couple too. Otherwise relationship is doomed.

Well now he's made a point of it, I'd put his statement that he's not stopping you doing a hobby to the test. When he gets in of an evening, go to the gym he then has to see to his DC's needs for an evening.
How was it before DC ? Did he do golf & football then? Did you see much of him prior? Did you discuss how dynamics would be before having DC? Importantly, was he as keen to have DC as you were?.
You still have 2 evenings at the weekend where you should consider a date night to keep connected, it sounds like he is a reasonably high earner if he is a member of golf club and you can be a SAHM. So he should be willing to at least fund childcare for when you want to go out on your own or together. This won't solve the family time, but it gives you a break from the drudgery and helps keep your sense of self.

[quote cookiemum6]@Beefcurtains79 I’m not scared of him. I’d just rather not have the argument that always starts when I try to talk to him about it. He’ll go into a mood and not talk to me which I find incredibly annoying. He’ll say things like “alright then, I’ll just do nothing all weekend then” it’s draining[/quote]
This is emotional abuse, and it’s working.
He’s keeping you exactly where he wants you.

And let’s add up how much his social life costs, and compare it to what you spend on yourself.

This is unbelievable. So when exactly are you able to fit in your hobby?! In theory he’s all for it but he knows full well something would have to give. He’s so selfish and utterly using you as a nanny, housekeeper, slave almost. He puts himself at front and centre of his life. I’m not even sure someone like this is worth trying to reason with as he’d end up resenting you taking away his precious ‘me’ time. On the face of it this relationship looks like an empty vessel with one person totally uninvested in family life. I am very sorry you have such a useless and uncaring husband.

Honestly OP you might as well just leave. Best case scenario he has the kids EOW and you get some time to yourself, worst but most likely scenario he never bothers to see the kids and your life is exactly how it is at the moment but with one fewer person to cook for, clean up after, and no one nagging you for sex. Either way it represents an improvement on your current situation.

I had a partner like this for many, many years. Totally selfish. We split when my DS was 7 and I then met an amazing man who spends his entire free time planning brilliant stuff for us and our 4 boys. He goes to the football but he takes us all with him. We have a lot of fun and are all very close. On the odd night where im tired / we're not doing something together and he doesnt have his children he goes to the pub and let's his hair down with his mates. My life has totally changed and it's amazing. You dont have to live like this. You need to put your foot down and tell him your not sticking around for this shower of shite life he's offering. Its not good enough and you want more.

The answer seems simple. He said he'd never stop you doing a hobby right? So you start taking up a hobby that just happens to be the same day as his golf and make sure you leave the house before he does. Then he gets left with the kids while you are out having a break. It's only fair you should get a day to yourself at the weekend too. Why should he get both days? You work full time too with two children.

Wtf do you put up with this?! Do you work? Drive? What would he say if you were out every weekend all day?

@Wizzbangfizz I’m not working at the moment and I don’t drive as I have epilepsy. And he wouldn’t like it. I went out around 6 months ago with a friend for some drinks. It was the first time I had been out in about a year. I had been out for 2 hours when he started messaging me seeing what time I’d be home

Good grief woman, stop putting up with this nonsense. People only treat you how you let them. Stop letting him!

Honestly, you need to stand up for yourself, your children and your bloody sanity !

It doesn't matter if he gets arsey about it if you raise the issue ! He gets arsey deliberately to stop you bloody raising it !

Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that he either prioritises you and his own children, or he can fuck off and be your ExH !

Start by taking the kids with you to his golf/football today, plopping youngest on his bloody lap and telling him ''I'm off to meet my friends, and my phone will be turned off. I'll probably be back around 5-6pm, so make sure kids are bathed and fed and my supper is cooked !'' And bloody well walk away ! Turn your phone OFF.

If he even tries to start an argument with you when you return, simply say ''You've had it all your own selfish way for far too long ! From now on, every weekend I'll be having either Sat or Sun off !

Stand up for yourself and stop allowing him to treat you with such bloody contempt.

Not RTFT so sorry if speaking out of turn but this isn’t about having hobbies - it’s about completely opting out of family life which is what he’s doing. This is a complete piss-take. He’s acting like he’s single. He’s sending his children (and you) the message that he has no interest in spending time with them. I mean - does he want a relationship with his children or not? Doesn’t he realise that good parenting - especially if you’re busy with work during the week - involves being around for your children at the weekend. Maybe have one hobby that takes up a few hours but two things that take up the bulk of the weekend - just no.

Pay attention to @specialsauce’s post - that is actually how it should be, especially when the children are young. Mostly family time with other outings slotted in around family time.

He’s bullied and manipulated you into accepting his absence so it will be hard to turn it around no doubt but you should really give it a try. It’s a truism but time seems to speed up as your children get older (I think especially once you’re working round school terms). He’s already squandered important years of relationship-building with your older child - this can be turned around but it needs to happen soon. Young children are programmed to love their parents no matter what but they become much more critical thinkers as they approach tween and teenage. Unless he’s a complete arsehole, when your children are older he will regret not having put in the work in these early years. Right now he is being a bad father.

From your thread title, it looks as if you think there's some external set of rules, and you're not sure if he's breaking them or not, so you're not sure if you're right to feel upset with him.

It doesn't work like that. It works like this: You decide what him going out too much looks like to you. There are no rules. You decide where to put your boundaries, and you decide what the consequences will be if he doesn't respect them. Then you follow through with the consequences.

This is your life. Nobody gets to decide for you about what 'should' and 'shouldn't' make you happy in your relationship. Your level of happiness isn't some pesky annoyance to be navigated around; it's the central focal point of your life. It's the most important thing there is, for you.

You are responsible for it. Spend as much time as you can doing things that make you happy. Spend as little time as possible doing things that make you unhappy. Distance yourself from people and situations who do not support you in these two fundamental aims.

And yes - sulking when you try to reason with him is abuse. Someone upthread talked about date nights but in your shoes I wouldn’t be feeling like having date nights with him right now. I’d be wanting him to step up during the day, not give him yet another outing in the evening. And I’d be thinking about walking away.

Personally I would seriously be considering leaving, you're as good as single anyway but at least you wouldn't have that dreaded feeling of waiting for him to go out at the weekend.

For me it's the fact that he has his hobby the Saturday morning - fine, but then also chooses to disappear all day Sunday.
It's fair enough to have a hobby, everyone needs some time to unwind (you included) and take some time doing something they enjoy - but, that shouldn't be every weekend all weekend. I'd be okay with the 7-3 every second Saturday or whatever and then Sunday is family days.

It sounds as though he's actively avoiding being part of the family and spending time with you and the kids

And next time he says “I’ll just do nothing all weekend”, ask him why he thinks spending time with his family is doing nothing?

Don’t put up with this, op. He’s a selfish twat.

I think it’s time for a change. Of DP. Although I haven’t read anything that justifies the ‘D’.
Ultimatum time, either he behaves like a decent partner and father, or off he goes. He’s a selfish and manipulative twat. You deserve much better.

I had one like this. Out all the time. He also said I should go out but when I wanted to I couldnt because he wasnt around. His wants were everything. It suited him for me to do everything. So I did and left.

I dont understand it. Your DH should want to be with his children.

@altmember

You need to split your weekends 3 ways - 1/3rd his free time, your free time, and family together time. If he has one whole weekend for his hobbies, you have the next one, and the family all together (focus on kids activities) the one after that. It would be better to try and fit a bit of each into every weekend though really.

And if you don't have any couples time in the week, perhaps you should split the weekends 4 ways so you can get a baby sitter and do something as a couple too. Otherwise relationship is doomed.

This is far and away the most sensible comment on here, and how we do things too. DH gets up early to go cycling (controversial on here I know! 🤣) 2-3hrs both mornings, then is back in time to take the DC to their respective sports Sat and Sun around 930. That gives me some nice downtime both days for my hobbies (home based) and afternoons to do family stuff or just chill.

It's really important for men and women to both have activities and interests of their own but it needs to balance out. Its unreasonable to expect him to give up everything that makes him who he is, but equally it's unreasonable of him to not give you a matched amount of time to do the same.

Have a constructive chat with him about the fact you'd like some time to pursue something of your own. Good luck x

But he’s refused and told me that he’d never stop me from doing a hobby.

Right. And do you have any actual time or energy to go off to do a hobby?

Yes he goes out too much.
Honestly 2 full weekends a month of his hobbies and pub is taking the piss. But every single one?
He’s a selfish prick. He is a husband and father not a single bloke!
I bet his reasoning is because he works all week so ‘deserves’ his weekend time.
And as for the comment about ‘spend all weekend doing nothing then’ is that what he thinks you do? But it’s ok for him to leave you doing it. What double standards.

Tell him if he wants to continue prioritising golf, football and the pub over his family and continue living his life as a single bloke, then that’s what he will be.

When I got with DP he did golf and football every weekend. Difference was he was single. I told him if we’re having any sort of relationship he needs to cut that back because I’m not having a relationship with someone who buggers off every weekend.
He did it without hesitation because he knew being in a relationship means you have to consider the other person in it too and not just carry on as though you’re single. He does 1 weekend a month, sometimes 2 depending on what OUR plans are. And we don’t have you do DC!

Can you plan a Saturday out soon? And see if he’ll sacrifice his golf day because he did tell you ‘he’d never stop you doing anything!’. If he won’t compromise I’d seriously consider calling it a day. Why would you want to be with someone who consistently puts you last?

Yes he goes out too much.

Does he not love you and the children?
Why is he happy never to see you all?

I honestly would sit him down and divide up weekend snd evening time that he is not working.
You both get equal leisure time and equal childcare/housework time.

If he doesn't agree I personally would make plans to leave him.

Get a calendar. Tell him to mark on the weekend days when he's doing a hobby, and then ask him to mark on the same amount of days when you can do a hobby. Suggest it might also be nice to do a day out a month a as a family, and ask him to make sure he factors that in.

Lets see how he solves the inevitable problem that causes...