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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he go out too much?

288 replies

cookiemum6 · 13/11/2021 09:04

We have two DC. One is 5, the other is 8 months. He works full time Monday-Friday which isn't the issue, but I don’t look forward to the weekends like I should. He leaves the house at 7am on Saturdays to play golf and comes home around 3ish. Then Sundays he leaves the house at 8am and comes home 4ish as he plays football then goes back to the pub. I’m just so fed up. I feel like I do it all on my own. I’m so tired all the time. I know it’s not DC’s fault, but I’ve just sat and cried in frustration as he is teething and has done nothing but scream for the past 20 minutes and my 5 year old has done nothing but moan saying he’s bored. I have spoke to DP and asked if he would mind stopping golf for a couple of weekends maybe so it would feel like I had a bit of a breather on a Saturday morning. But he’s refused and told me that he’d never stop me from doing a hobby. But that isn’t the issue for me. I just feel so down and tired and fed upSad

OP posts:
Original poster
cookiemum6 · 15/11/2021 12:12

@Bookworm20 Thanks pointing that out, you’re so right. My mum is amazing, really supportive and alway happy to help. If it wasn’t for her then I’d have probably lost the plot by now. And he knows this because I’ve told him. I think he thinks I dramatise just how hard my life is. I really doubt he would be able to cope if things were the other way around

OP posts:
Sidehustle99 · 15/11/2021 12:13

It's really still sabotaging your plans in favour of his though. Maybe a little less covert.

Underpaidsnackbitch · 15/11/2021 12:25

I'm really sorry you're in this situation OP. Its crap for you and its crap for your kids. Reading through your OP and comments, it's really all about him and what he wants, and his feelings, isn't it? It breaks my heart for your babies that their dad doesn't want to spend time with them. His hobbies, his needs and wants, and his mates are higher up on his list of priorities than you, his family. I honestly would leave. He doesn't sound like he cares about his family at all. I'm really sorryFlowers

rjacksmiss · 15/11/2021 12:32

Holy shit.

The thought of him gives me the ick. What an arsehole.

KatherineSiena · 15/11/2021 12:35

I think you should really open up and tell your mum everything. The more you have revealed here the worse he sounds. The fact he is even trying to restrict access to your mum, and her support, is really horrible and vindictive.

As others have said, you’d be far better off as a single parent. You have a loving and supportive mum who sounds more help than your useless husband. In addition you’d have some free time when he has his time with the children.

Why are you staying?

FlowerArranger · 15/11/2021 12:52

[quote cookiemum6]@Sidehustle99 Nothing like that has ever happened. Not really what you asked but there have been times where I’ve made plans with a friend or my mum to go for lunch and he’s pointed out that I won’t be able to go be used he’s either got football or golf[/quote]
he's pointed out.............. what? Seriously? And what did you respond? Don't tell me you cancelled!!

You seem very passive. Why do you let him get away with this shit? New baby and he starts going to the pub and takes up golf???!!

Is this how you want to live your life? It's not going to change unless you do something. The ship of putting your foot down seems to have sailed a long time ago, so your only realistic option is to LTB.

Beefcurtains79 · 15/11/2021 13:38

Does he have parents? I wonder what they make of it…..he probably lies to them though and makes out he’s dad of the year. Wanker.
Is he from Essex by any chance? Sorry to generalise it’s just that I used to work with a couple of guys like this and they all lived there and used to try and claim it was normal to be a shit dad and husband and prioritise your mates and going out.
Everyone absolutely hated them, and we all felt really sorry for their wives and kids.

ErickBroch · 15/11/2021 13:40

Horrid man.

rainbowstardrops · 15/11/2021 14:17

I think you need to open up to your mum asap and tell her how shit he's treating you.
The more you post about him, the worse he sounds. I'm usually all for communication and trying to sort things but I think that's wasted on this piece of shit.
I don't usually say this but I really do think you need to LTB. Otherwise this is as good as it gets for your lifetime. You deserve much more Thanks

Itsbeen84yearss · 15/11/2021 14:50

Oh poor you. What an absolute arsehole. We have had a bit of a battle over DH’s hobby but I really put my foot down. It’s two hours on a Sunday afternoon most weekends if I’m
Not too worn out or the kids aren’t sick. About once a month he goes for a bit longer but only if there’s nothing major on. He has to be around at weekends to do kids sports runs etc before he goes off and we do stuff as a family too.

19Bears · 15/11/2021 15:03

This is awful @cookiemum6 and also very familiar to me. DH has always gone to gigs here there and everywhere sometimes for a few days at a time, or the cinema after work, knowing I'll always be around to take care of things and be with our dcs. I honestly prefer it when he's not here, but it doesn't stop me being resentful of the fact that he can pretty much do whatever he likes and I'll cover for it. I even sometimes don't tell my mum about it so that she doesn't get upset about it on my behalf. Looking back over our marriage I can't believe how much I've 'covered' for him to keep the peace. I once made the mistake of telling him I think it's unfair how much he goes out, and he said he wouldn't go out as much, therefore meaning he'd be moping around the house more. I won't do that again!!!

I could give so many examples which are very similar to yours OP, but you know it already. However, he doesn't stop me doing what I want, and I think this makes him feel justified in doing what he wants. The big difference is, if I go out running for an hour on a sunday, I'll get back home and he'll still be sitting in the position he was when I left - nothing done. Or if I go to my pilates class once a week, all it means is I've got less time to get my evening jobs done (helping with homework, making snacks, bedtimes etc) Whereas he can go off to his mum's for a week, or have a few days away seeing a band, and he'll come home to a tidy house and maybe also a painted ceiling! It's absoutely infuriating. I know it OP. Awful. Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/11/2021 15:32

@19Bears

This is awful *@cookiemum6* and also very familiar to me. DH has always gone to gigs here there and everywhere sometimes for a few days at a time, or the cinema after work, knowing I'll always be around to take care of things and be with our dcs. I honestly prefer it when he's not here, but it doesn't stop me being resentful of the fact that he can pretty much do whatever he likes and I'll cover for it. I even sometimes don't tell my mum about it so that she doesn't get upset about it on my behalf. Looking back over our marriage I can't believe how much I've 'covered' for him to keep the peace. I once made the mistake of telling him I think it's unfair how much he goes out, and he said he wouldn't go out as much, therefore meaning he'd be moping around the house more. I won't do that again!!!

I could give so many examples which are very similar to yours OP, but you know it already. However, he doesn't stop me doing what I want, and I think this makes him feel justified in doing what he wants. The big difference is, if I go out running for an hour on a sunday, I'll get back home and he'll still be sitting in the position he was when I left - nothing done. Or if I go to my pilates class once a week, all it means is I've got less time to get my evening jobs done (helping with homework, making snacks, bedtimes etc) Whereas he can go off to his mum's for a week, or have a few days away seeing a band, and he'll come home to a tidy house and maybe also a painted ceiling! It's absoutely infuriating. I know it OP. Awful. Flowers

Please don't make yourself miserable and damage your kids by making them grow up in a household where they think men do what they like and women do cooking, cleaning, childcare and whatever allows the man to do what he wants to do. A life of sacrifice for women to cater to men's needs is what they're being shown and what is being normalised to them. If you can't leave for you, leave for them.
Nancydrawn · 15/11/2021 16:00

What would happen if you sat down and said, "this is a dealbreaker. Either you want to be a partner and a parent or you don't. The choice is yours. But I can't be a partner alone, so if you're not willing to be an enthusiastic parent and a good husband, we're over."

Would you be scared of his reaction? Are you scared of him? If not, would you be willing to say that?

specialsauce · 15/11/2021 16:28

Oh please just tell him to jog on. As I said in my previous post: there are amazing men out there that will make you and your children feel like the centre of the universe. Its wonderful and great to be able to reciprocate proper, real, caring love.

My ex (DS's dad) would do the same as yours - not answer the phone when out, never keep in touch - purposefully made me feel like a fishwife if I asked when he was coming home, gaslighted me by saying other girlfriends let their blokes stay out and dont hassle them. It's all BS.

Start by arranging your life as if he doesn't exist- arrange day trips with friends and kids at weekends- visit your mum as you've already started. Just go on like he's not an option at weekends. Build your own life.

Then, when your ready, tell him to sling his hook.

I'm routing for you! If you knew how miserable I was 4 years ago and how happy I am now you'd do it in the blink of an eye. I honestly wish I'd cut him loose years earlier! He's still a selfish tw*t even now.

FFSFFSFFS · 15/11/2021 16:36

It’s so obvious from the outside that he adds nothing to your life and you would be significantly better off without him. I hope you do the best thing for you and the children and leave him

Daleksatemyshed · 15/11/2021 19:07

Maybe Op you should pack an overnight bag and stay at your DM's (presuming you could still get your older DC to school). It would be very instructive to see his reaction, make him sweat a bit. All his friends are useless partners/fathers by the sound of it so maybe he needs a shock to make him realise you can make choices too

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/11/2021 21:11

He took up golf when you had a newborn? Nothing shows any more how he couldnt be any less interested in his own family

Original poster
cookiemum6 · 15/11/2021 21:41

Going staying at my mums tomorrow night. Had an argument because I dared to ask him to take tea out of the oven whilst I was bathing DS and he wasn’t happy because he was on his Xbox. It resulted in him calling me a fat c u n t. I think that’s it to be honest. Fuck him. I’m so angry. It honestly feels so good to actually be able to tell people just what he is like. This thread has really helped me. Situations like tonight have happened in the past but I always blamed myself. But to read all these replies have made me realise that he is the problem, not me

OP posts:
specialsauce · 15/11/2021 21:48

He just wants to stay a child. Let him. Fuck him. You've got a better life awaiting you. He can stay on his twatty xbox.

Whydidimarryhim · 15/11/2021 21:50

Oh dump this unbelievable selfish prick - please.
What a tosser.
How is he going to step up otherwise -will he bother with contact with his children? Or will football/golf get the better of him.
Gather his finances - for maintenance - stay strong - you are already a single parent.

19Bears · 15/11/2021 22:00

Leave him immediately. No one should call you that. Ever. In some ways I wish my DH would do something as unacceptable as this and it would be my get-out. He's given you that, so you can now walk away head held high knowing you deserve so much better than this excuse for a human. Your life gets better from here x

DukkaDukka · 15/11/2021 22:01

He is the problem.

Don’t show him thread, whatever you do.

nomorefrogs · 15/11/2021 22:14

Okay so his mask of mr nice guy is definitely slipping now. That is unacceptable. I would start to line your ducks up op as this does not look like he is going to buck his ideas up anytime soon.

lothermand · 15/11/2021 22:20

He's taking the bloody pissHmm

HalzTangz · 15/11/2021 22:25

In your shoes, what I would do is join a gym or take an evening class, join a book club, anything. And make sure every weeknight you are busy doing your crafting. Literally walk out the door when he gets in from work and come back 3 or so hours later. After all, he's said he wouldn't stop you having a hobby.
When he's had a taste of sorting both kids out for bath and bed, and dealing with a teething child he will realise it's not feasible to leave it all to one person