Does he go out too much?

[cookiemum6]

We have two DC. One is 5, the other is 8 months. He works full time Monday-Friday which isn't the issue, but I don’t look forward to the weekends like I should. He leaves the house at 7am on Saturdays to play golf and comes home around 3ish. Then Sundays he leaves the house at 8am and comes home 4ish as he plays football then goes back to the pub. I’m just so fed up. I feel like I do it all on my own. I’m so tired all the time. I know it’s not DC’s fault, but I’ve just sat and cried in frustration as he is teething and has done nothing but scream for the past 20 minutes and my 5 year old has done nothing but moan saying he’s bored. I have spoke to DP and asked if he would mind stopping golf for a couple of weekends maybe so it would feel like I had a bit of a breather on a Saturday morning. But he’s refused and told me that he’d never stop me from doing a hobby. But that isn’t the issue for me. I just feel so down and tired and fed up

I think you should look at leaving. This man isn’t in your family anyway and it’s not fair on you to go through the misery of trying to explain why he’s not being a partner or a dad, he won’t get it. Let’s talk your options for leaving - he might even take dc on a weekend if he’s a single dad!

Tell him he’s better get used to playing golf and football every other weekend because that’s what it will be like when you’re divorced.

@crimsonlake

Similar here with my ex when my children were small...out with work on a Thursday night which meant a stay over in a hotel, Sat football then stayed on for drinks... 'You can go out if you want to...' apart from the fact I had done all my going out pre babies and him never being there to help stopped me. ' You are not my mother' if I asked him to stop. A lot of the time I felt like a single parent whilst he continued his social life and eventually I was not the slightest bit bothered when he went anywhere. If I could turn back time I would have stopped being the 'cool wife' who accepted he worked hard outside the home and it was perfectly fine to leave me to it at home with the children. Instead I would have put my foot down hard, even if it meant we had split many years earlier which in lots of ways I wish we had.

I can totally relate to this!! I liked being the cook wife at first as I wanted to make him happy but then you start resenting them and then finding them unattractive all together!!

Cool *

My friend had her friend come to stay every Saturday night for a month for this reason, her DH was a dick so she made a stand, she told him he needed to deal with everything and she’d be back on Sunday afternoon. It was apparently an unpleasant month but he got the picture and things changed.

Your husband is an absolute dickhead toddler and frankly you’re giving him Carte Blanche to treat you like a total mug!

Stop putting up with it and give him an ultimatum or kick his pathetic, emotionally black-mailing arse out.

I divorced my first husband in my Late 20s for exactly this reason— basically carried on as if he was single and 21 and fully entitled to 3 nights a week down pub with mates plus weekends at football etc. It felt like being a single mum— except with no breaks and all his housework too

If be telling him that you want a trial separation where you can see how it feels to have EOW free and whether that improves your health and well-being.
As others said, if you split up he’d have to give up EOW so at the moment you’re just enabling him to behave this way as in he knows he can do it because you’re always there, show him what life would be like when you’re not always there.

It's all very well people saying to have date nights, tell him you'll do a hobby etc but surely the point is that if he doesn't naturally want to spend any time with his partner or children and naturally views her as default parent (presumably because she's a woman and he's sexist as I can't see any other reason) OP shouldn't necessarily want to make it work with him?!

I fucking wouldn't, he sounds like a naturally horrible partner.

If you have to teach / persuade someone to be nice and to give a shit about you and their own kids... they aren't someone you should be planning to spend another day with surely?

So would he like to suggest exactly when in the week you will get your 16 hours to spend on hobbies?

[quote cookiemum6]@Wizzbangfizz I’m not working at the moment and I don’t drive as I have epilepsy. And he wouldn’t like it. I went out around 6 months ago with a friend for some drinks. It was the first time I had been out in about a year. I had been out for 2 hours when he started messaging me seeing what time I’d be home[/quote]
Next time you go out, you need to put your phone on silent and in your bag out of sight! Please arrange something with friends soon, and leave the kids with him.

Why are you together? He’s obviously not a family man

Honestly he's never going to change.

You can try to even out the score over the years, try to put in place fairness and then go on to having your own life separately living different lives but it gets lonely.

You will wait for this man all your life, in the end you will forget what you are waiting for.

Personally I would find someone else, someone who wants to be with you.

No way would I stay with him. Tell him you're splitting up so get ready to have them every other weekend. Prick.

He would never stop you doing a hobby but when the bloody hell are you meant to get the chance to do one. ?! Sorry op he doesn't sound interested in your family. Does he help with kids bedtime etc through the week?

I’m sorry your dealing with this. I suggest you find a hobby and don’t even ask him, you leave the kids with him and go. Honestly if you was a single mum you would be getting the odd weekend to yourself . And he wouldn’t be golfing every week.

Men need their hobbies but he really needs to pick one a weekend. For instance - gold day fine, football day fine. But golf and then football every weekend followed by drinking like he’s at some sports resort? Not fine.

Bloody hell why are you with this tosser!? You can do so much better than this!
What is he even contributing to your life?

When you had kids, did you imagine being a 1950s housewife with your husband behaving like a single man the rest of your life?
I personally would leave and demand more respect, not just for you but for your kids. Your kids deserve way better than this. It’s not much of an example to them that mum does all the graft and dad does his own thing all the time. He’s a misogynist prick!

My personal experience and thoughts from being a single girl ‘out there’.
I met one particular guy. We exchanged messages, met for drinks a few times and then one day admitted he was married and also on his second marriage at that as his first wife didn’t let him go out. This second wife lets him do what he wants….
I’m not suggesting your partner is up to anything but I then got to thinking that this guy I met who just didn’t want to be at home (he had three children, two from the first marriage). And rather than deal with the problem, continued to bury his head in the sand and continue living what really is a single life.
I would also like to suggest that whilst you can get even and go out, find new hobbies etc. This won’t really tackle the real problem.
This could be a harsh realisation but you do need to confront this now and not waste any further time.
This guy that I mention above continues to behave in this way I understand, fooling his unaware wife I should imagine, who I hope one day gets strong and realises this is no life for her.
Please don’t sleep walk and accept your life in this way if you’re not happy. He’s behaviour stands little chance of changing until maybe something forces him to do stop all of these hobbies that exclude you. Then it’ll either be some excuse for then next hobby or one of you would then find the courage to admit he wasn’t going to be the relationship for you.
Be strong and don’t dilute your wants and needs.

@Megalameg

Men need their hobbies but he really needs to pick one a weekend. For instance - gold day fine, football day fine. But golf and then football every weekend followed by drinking like he’s at some sports resort? Not fine.

And woman don’t?

Why do men’s hobbies need to be given the priority of a whole day every weekend?

Absolutely not acceptable

I would threaten to leave. He should be giving you a break at weekends

He sounds horrible. Sorry OP! Not a good partner

“
Men need their hobbies but he really needs to pick one a weekend. For instance - gold day fine, football day fine. But golf and then football every weekend followed by drinking like he’s at some sports resort? Not fine.”

Wait, so he ‘needs’ a golf day every weekend? Or another hobby which takes up one day out of two every weekend?
Er, no, no he doesn’t.

Thanks for all the supportive comments everyone. I’m glad to hear it’s not just me who thinks it’s unacceptable. I had another talk to him last night because I couldn’t face dealing with most of today on my own with no help as I just feel so worn down. These are a few things he said.. “I work all week” “none of my friends partners stop them from going out” (I never stop him so I don’t understand that one) and “there are a lot of people I know who are out more than me who have a partner and kids” There is no reasoning with him

What did he say about lack of family time, and your lack of similar free time?

Or did he just bluster and turn it into you trying to control him/being a killjoy?

@category12 He pretty much turned it into me trying to control him and being a kill joy. He didn’t know what to say when I challenged him about us never doing anything as a family or me having any sort of break