Does he go out too much?

[cookiemum6]

We have two DC. One is 5, the other is 8 months. He works full time Monday-Friday which isn't the issue, but I don’t look forward to the weekends like I should. He leaves the house at 7am on Saturdays to play golf and comes home around 3ish. Then Sundays he leaves the house at 8am and comes home 4ish as he plays football then goes back to the pub. I’m just so fed up. I feel like I do it all on my own. I’m so tired all the time. I know it’s not DC’s fault, but I’ve just sat and cried in frustration as he is teething and has done nothing but scream for the past 20 minutes and my 5 year old has done nothing but moan saying he’s bored. I have spoke to DP and asked if he would mind stopping golf for a couple of weekends maybe so it would feel like I had a bit of a breather on a Saturday morning. But he’s refused and told me that he’d never stop me from doing a hobby. But that isn’t the issue for me. I just feel so down and tired and fed up

@youvegottenminuteslynn

There are two things here that are absolute dealbreakers for me.

1. He doesn't want to spend his free time with you or his own children. How hurtful and sad.

1. He sees you as default parent and is either so thick or almost gaslighting when he says 'well you could get a hobby' because he obviously means you getting a hobby at completely inconvenient times for you, around his existing activities.

He's an arsehole OP. He's a rubbish partner and a rubbish dad.

Don't waste your life on someone who cares so little about you and the kids.

I wouldn't do the whole 'I'm going out from 7-7 Saturday' to sort of punish him, because your time would be better spent using his day out to get your shit together and plan next steps to leave him.

You do everything already anyway and if you split you can work out a custody agreement that includes free time for you both.

You must be fucking exhausted and sick of the (rare) sight of him. You're obviously a lovely mum shouldering all the burden but don't let your kids grow up seeing a mum doing all the family stuff and a dad doing whatever he wants and barely being present in a meaningful way.

Please, don't waste your life on this loser.

^ This

Seconding @oklets re-post. @youvegottenminuteslynn has nailed it.

It's all very well for him to say he'd never stop you from doing your hobby, but you don't exactly have time for one, do you?

Unfortunately it's not about where he's going or doing it's about the fact he's deliberately staying away from home during the day at weekends.

By never being home during the day he gets to avoid all the inconvenience unpleasantness of being an actual adult and parent.He has no respect for you.He treats you like a nanny and housekeeper whilst he's out living his best life.

What was he like pre children?;did he actually do any housework/cooking etc then?;did he live independently before you moved in together or did he move out of his mums house and in with you?

You went out once with a friend 'and he didn't like it'. Tough. You need to start going out.

I'm not one to say LTB...

But in this situation you would, quite literally, be better off without him.

He would probably have the kids one night a week and every other weekend, which would leave you free to relax, recharge, have time for yourself and maybe see friends and family.

I know what I would do...

[quote cookiemum6]@Wizzbangfizz I’m not working at the moment and I don’t drive as I have epilepsy. And he wouldn’t like it. I went out around 6 months ago with a friend for some drinks. It was the first time I had been out in about a year. I had been out for 2 hours when he started messaging me seeing what time I’d be home[/quote]
So actually he's a liar as well as selfish.

Maybe he doesn't actively stop you from having time out from looking after the children, a hobby or social life, but he indirectly stops you by 1. hogging all the opportunities, and 2. making it uncomfortable for you when you do get chance to go out by messaging you about coming home.

Honestly you need a "come to Jesus" talk about how unfair this set-up is, and how he is opting out of family life - why did he even have children with you if he's got no interest in spending time with them or as a family?

Why did you have children with this POS? Were there no signs, no discussions about how parenthood would be shared?

But as it is, there are only 2 things you can realistically do: suck it up, or file for divorce with custody being shared 50%. Because he isn't going to change. Because he doesn't give a flying fuck for you or his family.

Personally I'd opt for the latter.

You need to start making plans - both to go out and to leave this disrespectful, uncaring man.

OP - I don't understand the comments telling you to go out and do ''a hobby'' just to piss him off. How is that going to help the situation? It's just tit for tat and will make everything worse.

Surely the problem is that he prefers to play football and golf at the weekend instead of being with his wife and family.

OP - as far as golf goes, he will go on to spend more and more time at the golf course as he gets older - not less. It does not bode well for you at all. Unfortunately it is far from abnormal. Golf clubs are full of young family men at the weekends, playing golf all day and then in to the bar.

If you have the money, get a cleaner and mother's help to help you get some time to yourself, if you can live with his choices. I couldn't be with someone who preferred golf and football to weekends with the family, but a lot of women seem okay with it, or football terraces and golf clubs wouldn't be full of men every weekend, for example.

“OP - I don't understand the comments telling you to go out and do ''a hobby'' just to piss him off. How is that going to help the situation? It's just tit for tat and will make everything worse.

Surely the problem is that he prefers to play football and golf at the weekend instead of being with his wife and family.”

This.

Ask him on monday what his plans are for next weekend, then ask him what childcare he has arranged to cover it, as you will not be available.

@Deadringer

Ask him on monday what his plans are for next weekend, then ask him what childcare he has arranged to cover it, as you will not be available.

I did this with me ex-DH (notice he is now an ex).

I didn’t ask him what child care plans he had in place. I told him I was going out all day on the Saturday and he was responsible for our DS. He panicked and said ‘but I’m going to football’ I just shrugged and kept repeating ‘I’m going out, so child care duty is down to you’

He was a selfish arse, but when I finally binned him, he couldn’t go to football every weekend, as he then had DS on his own EOW.

Hes a selfish prick. If you guys split he would have to have the children on his days he would have no time for being out too much. Plus the advantage to you is you would have free time to yourself. If I were you I would seriously consider LTB. He dosn’t seem to add anything to your life other than having being there at conception. If he really cared for you he would want to spend time with you all as a family.

Sounds like he thinks the kids are your hobby. He has given you children, you should be grateful and let him carry on with his single man fun.

As usual I agree with what youvegotenminuteslynn has posted. I wouldn't be faffing on with calendars and rotas and game playing, he doesn't care. He's shown you and your lovely children don't matter to him. He's an undeserving prick.

Just leave him he's a selfish,inconsiderate shit husband and father.

If you are cooking for him or doing his laundry id would stop doing that. Let him know your not his housekeeper or nanny.

Sounds like he thinks that raising kids just involves earning money to pay for them. He needs to be reminded that he also needs to parent them. Not to mention putting some effort into your own relationship.

Hes an anus, a selfish anus. He doesn't want to do any parenting by the sound if it. And leaving you to do it all.not fair, a totaly lack of respect for you, get rid it won't get better. Your life will be much happier on your own with your children. I know from experience !

OMG this is appauling, please change this situation. I had this for years and then woke up oneday 2 years ago and thought fuck this, Im off. Left and OMG I have never looked back.
Mine was at work 24/7 and never put us first.
His kids now are indifferent to him.
Dont let him decide the rules, you decide!!!

The point is that he clearly doesn’t care about his family. That’s really sad for you.
He’s already checked out of family life, I’d be seriously considering leaving him.

@EKGEMS

Just leave him he's a selfish,inconsiderate shit husband and father.

OP, I know it's not that easy to just 'LTB' but EKGEMS is correct. You will never be happy in the current set up and you deserve to be happy.

This man sounds irredeemably selfish and detached from family life, OP. I think you should start to make plans for independent living, it couldn't be any worse and will probably be loads better.

I would be booking a taxi for 7:30 tomorrow morning and go anywhere which isn't home. And I would switch off my phone for a few hours

I wouldn’t want to spend my life with someone who didn’t want to spend time with me. I echo some of the excellent posts on this thread. Find someone who wants to be with you. This man is awful.