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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does he go out too much?

288 replies

cookiemum6 · 13/11/2021 09:04

We have two DC. One is 5, the other is 8 months. He works full time Monday-Friday which isn't the issue, but I don’t look forward to the weekends like I should. He leaves the house at 7am on Saturdays to play golf and comes home around 3ish. Then Sundays he leaves the house at 8am and comes home 4ish as he plays football then goes back to the pub. I’m just so fed up. I feel like I do it all on my own. I’m so tired all the time. I know it’s not DC’s fault, but I’ve just sat and cried in frustration as he is teething and has done nothing but scream for the past 20 minutes and my 5 year old has done nothing but moan saying he’s bored. I have spoke to DP and asked if he would mind stopping golf for a couple of weekends maybe so it would feel like I had a bit of a breather on a Saturday morning. But he’s refused and told me that he’d never stop me from doing a hobby. But that isn’t the issue for me. I just feel so down and tired and fed upSad

OP posts:
Whataday21 · 14/11/2021 08:45

I would just get him to confirm that he does not intend to reduce his weekends. Then you need to decide what you're going to do about it. You can't issue an ultimatum unless you are 100% going to go through with it, or it will weaken your stance. Personally I would be looking at a trial separation with strict access rules in place. The future looks shit for you and his entitled behaviour makes him very unattractive surely?

Whataday21 · 14/11/2021 08:46

He is controlling you if anything as you are tied to the house and kids.

category12 · 14/11/2021 08:49

That's because he doesn't have a leg to stand on, so he goes on the attack.

He knows he's in the wrong, but he's got no interest in change.

Iseeyoulookingatme · 14/11/2021 08:51

Op he won't get any better I would get yourself back to work and leave him. My ex was exactly the same in fact two weeks before we split I told him I didn't think he actually liked me or ds as he was never here and he actually started going out more. Since we have split he no longer does his bloody hobby that he spent all his spare time doing and hasn't done anything with the college course he did 2 days a week for 2 years, it was just his way of getting out of doing any family stuff.
You are already a single parent doing everything in your own.

LawnFever · 14/11/2021 08:53

These are a few things he said.. “I work all week” “none of my friends partners stop them from going out” (I never stop him so I don’t understand that one) and “there are a lot of people I know who are out more than me who have a partner and kids” There is no reasoning with him

You work all week too, but get no break whatsoever at the weekend either.

Tell him you’re going back to work full time, will split the child care bill 50/50 and then want every weekend off too.

His ‘reasoning’ shows that he doesn’t value your work and contribution in looking after the house & kids all week.

And he’s the one stopping you doing anything for yourself, not vice versa.

He sounds very selfish Sad

cookiemum6 · 14/11/2021 08:54

I’m sick of getting the fact he works all week thrown in my face. I don’t think he realises what it’s like being at home on my own most of the time with 2 children. Especially an 8 month old. In fact I know he doesn’t because when either our 5 year old is playing up or if the baby won’t settle, he can’t cope. I feel like saying “it’s hard isn’t it, this is what I have to deal with 24/7”

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 14/11/2021 08:57

LTB. What on earth is the point of being married to him?

Capferret · 14/11/2021 09:00

Get a hobby on Saturday mornings. Anything.
And tell him you're out from 8 until 1.
And go.
After all he wouldn't stop you having a hobby. He said so.

Wolfiefan · 14/11/2021 09:01

You work all week too! When my kids were little I worked part time. For a rest!!
He needs to learn to cope. Just like the rest of us.

Onlinedilema · 14/11/2021 09:03

Hi op I haven't read all the responses but came on to say he sounds like my ex husband.
He turned things around to say I was controlling.
This was the only thing we argued about.
He is my ex husband, he did not change.
The point was I did not want to go out all day, every day leaving my children, I too wanted us to be together and do things as a family.
His response was always that he did not stop me doing anything but I was the default parent.
Anyway. We divorced. He now lives with another woman and her kids.
I'm re married to a wonderful, thoughtful man and we do things together. My kids are older and don't see much of their father, they know who did the parenting and can't be bothered with their father to be honest.
It's probably not what you wanted to hear but your husband will not change.
Take care op.

Megalameg · 14/11/2021 09:06

@LawnFever

Okay, you don’t have to give the man in your life’s hobbies priority of a day or half day a week - but many men have hobbies like golf etc. which are important to them and I have no problem catering to that and honestly I wouldn’t think much of a man who just gave away his hobby because his wife demanded it - not so manly.

This doesn’t apply to the whole free weekend (then pub) when he works all week though. It’s too much.

Dery · 14/11/2021 09:07

As @LawnFever says - you work all week too. As for lots of men going out more than he does (I suspected he might run with a pack of married fathers who neglect their families) - well, they’re all bad fathers and partners. Decent fathers/partners do not spend all their time away from their families.

What do you think you’ll do, OP? He’s basically told you he doesn’t care about you or your joint children.

MamDancer · 14/11/2021 09:10

Given your updates OP, he's still pulling the teen act. "All my mates can......"

He's put you firmly in mum role.

Sidehustle99 · 14/11/2021 09:13

Sounds like you are the housekeeper/nanny. What do you get out of this relationship? The balance is all off. You could try talking to him about it but I'm not sure that would work. He must know he's being very very selfish and he doesn't care as long as he's getting his own way. I bet if he was asked he would say what a happy marriage he has - huge eye roll.

Dacquoise · 14/11/2021 09:17

I could have written your post verbatim, including all of your DPs justifications and excuses, about my marriage. My exH thought he owned all leisure time for his hobbies and would guilt me if I complained. He also used up most of his annual leave to play without telling me, left for the day to go to 'work'. I would also get the when are you coming home calls if he had to look after our DD on his own.

I don't think you can fight this level of entitlement and selfishness other than to leave. He is not going to give up his freedom willingly. It wasn't until after I went into therapy that I realised my exH had an extreme aversion to intimacy. He couldn't walk next to me on a pavement because that was too much closeness for him. Do you think he has intimacy issues?

LimpLettice · 14/11/2021 09:19

OP I think you need to toughen up. He's whining like a little boy. Tell him you couldn't give a crap what his friends are 'allowed' to do, it's irrelevant. Tell him you are tired, lonely and are done with his lack of care. He doesn't want to spend time with you all, refuses to see how ground down you are, and clearly doesn't love you. Tell him it's made you dislike him. Tell him in that case, it's time to go so that you can find someone who does want to spend time with you all and couldn't bear to see you so worn. In the meantime, he will be doing EOW and one night in the week as a decent father would, as you assume he does love the kids even if he couldn't give a shit about you? Don't cry, don't reason, just say no. It's this or he engages with family life one full day a week as well as taking on some drudge work in the evenings. Balls in his court.

LawnFever · 14/11/2021 09:22

@Megalameg you’re missing the point, both partners in a relationship should have equal leisure time, it’s not about anyone 100 % giving up a hobby, it’s about equality in a relationship.

Your comment on what’s ‘manly’ or not is odd tbh, having respect for your family & partner isn’t about gender stereotypes.

You seem convinced that having a penis entitles a person to more free/personal time, which simply isn’t the case.

Fireflygal · 14/11/2021 09:24

I don’t think he realises what it’s like being at home on my own most of the time with 2 children

He 100% knows what is involved. Don't be fooled, all of his statements are said to get you to back down and shut up. He won't change because he cares more about himself then you. It's just plain selfishness and he isn't kind to you.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 14/11/2021 09:27

Op what is the point of him? You never see him and he doesn't spend time with you or the dc on the weekend, honestly what is the fucking point of him.

If you divorced him at least you'd get some time to yourself whilst he had contact with the dc.

Ragruggers · 14/11/2021 09:30

This awful man is showing you who he is.He has no time for you or his 2 children.He will never change so best to start making plans to divorce.Are you able to work and the baby go to a childminder use after school clubs for the 5 year old at least then you will have a break and control.Look at benefits,housing,do you rent etc.I hope you have family and friend support.You deserve so much more than this we all make mistakes but own it and look to the future you can do it,good luck.

Monalotmoore · 14/11/2021 09:32

@cookiemum6

I’m sick of getting the fact he works all week thrown in my face. I don’t think he realises what it’s like being at home on my own most of the time with 2 children. Especially an 8 month old. In fact I know he doesn’t because when either our 5 year old is playing up or if the baby won’t settle, he can’t cope. I feel like saying “it’s hard isn’t it, this is what I have to deal with 24/7”
Then why don't you say that? Tell him you're going out and just go.
Kennykenkencat · 14/11/2021 09:33

I have spoke to DP and asked if he would mind stopping golf for a couple of weekends maybe so it would feel like I had a bit of a breather on a Saturday morning. But he’s refused and told me that he’d never stop me from doing a hobby. But that isn’t the issue for me. I just feel so down and tired and fed upsad

But he is stopping you from doing a hobby.

Say you want to take up golf and if he would never stop you from doing a hobby then he needs to look after the children on Saturdays

Alternatively if you divorced at the very least you would get every other weekend off as he would have his children.
You are doing all the child and house care and all the mental load anyway.
You might have to return to work but then you at least get a break from children and he would also have to pay child support and help with nursery fees and childcare as well.

I bet his children won’t even miss him

nocnoc · 14/11/2021 09:35

I don’t understand how this is any different to you being single? At least if you split you’d get every other weekend off! He says you can do your hobbies. When? He’s taking up the whole weekend. So he could take his 5 year old to football or golf with him. Right? That’s what other dads do. This isn’t right. Find a gym like david Lloyd and sign up. Put kids in the crèche. Start with an hour on a Saturday morning and go for a swim. Start to get your life back. How much childcare is he doing every week?

EarthSight · 14/11/2021 09:37

Either he had a father like this growing up (so he thinks it's normal and acceptable) or he's very aware that he's taking the piss.

My comments blow apply if it's the latter-

He'd never stop you from doing a hobby?? Ermmm, so when would you be able to do that hobby then? Let me guess - you do most of the childcare, which means you either don't have the time or you're too tired in the evenings. Lets say you took up a hobby that took you out of the house from 4pm to 11pm every weekend.....when would you two get to spend time with each other then, as a couple, as a family?

The reality of this happening is very small, and he knows that. Most hobbies and hobby social groups that would take you out of the house for this amount of time happen in the daytime. So.....would he be willing to sacrifice half of his weekends then so you can enjoy a 6 hr hike with a local walking group?

He hasn't verbalised it as such, but he's suggesting that you are unreasonable or controlling by suggesting you are trying to stop his hobbies. Useful tactic to keep you quiet. At the moment he has a nice wifey at home to look after the children whilst he gets the free time he wants on the weekends and check out of family life.

Where are your emotional needs in that then? Where are the needs of your children and you as a family? Most family days out with small children happen in the day time. Sure, you could try an shove in an hour or two at the local park together when he gets back, but is he even up for that when he's been out all day since the morning? What about longer trips to the countryside? Going to a museum or a different city for a day out?

What about being spontaneous and doing something when the weather's nice? Would he be happy to drop the golf so he can spend time with you doing something with the family?

If not, it's very clear where his emotional priorities are. He wants to have a break from all of you for hours every weekend, whilst you have too cope with the children alone.

nocnoc · 14/11/2021 09:39

He said he knows people who are out more? How!!! He’s out ALL weekend. He’s taking the absolute piss. The fair way is for you to have a Saturday to yourself and then he gets Sunday. What’s not fair is him having both days. So you say “50/50 which day is yours and which is mine” then you go out. The whole day. Shopping, see a friend, go to the movies. He’s an utter prick and it’s not on. Time to take a day back.

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