Why would a man care what I do with evenings I don’t spend with him?

[Breakingmad]

I met a man back in June. He asked me about and we got on great, and became official a few weeks later. I thought we were really similar in what we wanted - he seemed ambitious career wise and enjoyed being out socialising.

I have a busy job which maybe 2 nights a week involves evening meetings till 9 or so after which a few of us will go to the pub for a couple of drinks. I also tend to see friends either on a Friday or Saturday night, and not infrequently both.

I always made sure I fit in evenings with my BF, would see if he wanted to do something at weekends etc. but had absolutely no intention of giving up my friends or social life. 13 years ago I left an abusive relationship where I wasn’t allowed to have friends or socialise and I am hyper aware or not letting that happen again. This man is my first ‘official’ relationship since then.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of months and we’d had an argument, completely unrelated to socialising. He told me he wasn’t interested in mid week and I needed to find hobbies that didn’t consist of sitting in bars till closing time (I have several, which he well knew). I said he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to and went home.

I thought it over for a couple of days and was just about to message him wishing him well, and saying the relationship wasn’t for me, when I received one from him apologising, saying he’d been out of order and wrong, and I accepted the apology.

Last week, out of the blue, he finished with me. Said his criticisms hadn’t been taken on board, but had instead been used against him.

Now I don’t really care that it’s over, feel more relieved than anything. But I just don’t understand what his problem was. We don’t live together, I made time for him, so why does he care if I have a glass of wine in a pub after work, or have a glass of wine watching Emmerdale after work? It literally makes no difference to him.

I did think I saw a few red flags, nothing serious, but notable, during the relationship, but was convinced by friends that I was just hyper sensitive due to my previous abusive relationship.

I’m now worried that I was right, that he would’ve liked to control me more, and that I’ll always attract either men who I know can’t commit for various reasons (as I have over the past 13 years), or men who aren’t happy to let me do as I please (obviously I don’t mean cheating or whatever).

What is going on? Am I doing something to attract the wrong men?

Because he's a controlling prick. Good job for being rid of him!!

he wasn’t interested in mid week drinking, that should say.

He didn’t have to. He said he enjoyed it. Asked me to meet him in the city after he finished work and things. Several times he made a huge deal of having alcohol free dates so I’d suggest chips at the beach, a walk in the country etc., but then he’d turn up and say we’ll just go to the pub. I am baffled.

Because he's a controlling prick. Good job for being rid of him!!

Do you think so? I told him all about my abusive ex early on and he would say he totally understood. A couple of times early on he’d insult me whilst saying he was just teasing, and I’d say I didn’t like it due to my ex, and he’d get upset saying he’s not like that, has never been like that, and actually 99% of the time there was no control worries at all.

The wrong sort of men are not fussy. It's not a you issue. All you can control is spotting it quickly amd removing them when they show their colours.

This one sounds like he was a headfucker. Random comments to shock and destabilise you and make you wonder if youve done something to make him think that way. Standard abuser behaviour. So,bullet doged!

I'd block him before he attempts to hoover you. Just incase this ditch is an attempt to get you to run after him grovelling and when it fails, he'll come back with some bs excuse for his behaviour. Though it may simply be that he sensed you were going to chuck him, so split with you first.

Either way, give him no more headspace.

It sounds like the sort of behaviour people engage in when they’re passively aggressively trying to make a point. Like ‘oh @Breakingmad is always in the pub so I’ll suggest an alcohol free date and then she’ll see how she can’t cope and I’m right’ and then when you’re fine it’s ‘oh well we’ll go to the pub and she’ll see how she’s out of control’ sort of thing.

It might not be that, maybe he dislikes drinking, maybe he has a drink problem, maybe he’s envious.

But…whatever it is you shouldn’t have to put up with it if you don’t want to. You could spend forever looking for the reasons why people do something but he’s had enough energy already.

And never tell new partners about abusive exs early on. Its a green light for them to see you as an easy target if they are similarly abusive.

Pp is right, he's a controlling arse. He didn't like you going to the pub in case you were having fun without him, but he didn't want to come with you. He just wanted you to stay at home.
You are well rid. You'll find someone nice next time.

You’re not doing anything to attract the wrong men. You just want to be you. Unfortunately that’s something many men have a problem with, but it’s their problem, not yours.

Trust your own instincts, op. They’re well honed by past experience. Don’t be persuaded by well-intentioned friends that things aren’t ‘off’ when you know they are. The other side of that coin is that you will also know when things are right.

I don't think it is so much that you attract the wrong type, but the important thing is not to waste years on them, which you seem to have figured out.

Sounds way too complicated. Well rid, op

Thanks everyone.

The thing that confused me is that he'd send messages saying 'have fun', 'enjoy your night' etc. which my ex never ever would have done, if I'd dared ever defy him and go out, so it wasn't controlling as I knew it.

That because your first was a grade 10 this one was a 6 and took longer to notice that’s all

Well rid.

You haven't known him long enough really. to know all his personal ways yet. This is the problem. with making things official much too soon.

You haven't known him long enough really. to know all his personal ways yet. This is the problem. with making things official much too soon.

I thought a few weeks seemed reasonable to agree to stop seeing other people, but maybe not. He did tell me he loved me after a couple of months which I did think was too soon because he couldn't possibly know me well enough to love me. I cringed every time he said it.

Sounds like his issue was with the drinking, not the socialising. Three or four nights out a week is quite a bit of drinking, to be honest.

It just sounds like you're not quite on the same page with what you want - you more going out drinking and socialising with your friends and colleagues 4 nights a week, him wanting to spend time together as a couple. You say you've other hobbies too, and a busy job (as does he by the sound of it). So all of that doesn't really leave a lot of time for a fulfilling relationship anyway.

Personally, I don't think I'd tolerate being with someone who chooses their friends over me one or both nights every single weekend, on top of being so busy during the week. And if I was like that myself I doubt my current partner would put up with it either.

But I'm sure there are other busy, fully independent people out there who you will be compatible with and your lifestyles just slot together, it's simply that this bloke turned out not to be one of them.

This is controlling behaviour, then his double-flips and contradictory behaviour ("have a great time" followed by "I'm not happy about you doing that") are designed to spin your head.
Honestly I wouldn't bother too much about whether or not you attract these men. They are everywhere and they will try it with all women.

As the previous poster said, focus more on 1) protecting yourself (not advisable to tell them about previous abuse or anything very personal early on) and 2) spotting the red flags. Him telling you he loves you so soon is one. You cringed every time he said it - that's your gut telling you something's not right. Pay attention to that. This recent thing (that you dumped him over) is a massive giant Tianenment Square sized flag, so well done for dumping him.
It's subjective, but IMO a few weeks in is too soon to be exclusive - did he push for that?

Sounds like his issue was with the drinking, not the socialising. Three or four nights out a week is quite a bit of drinking, to be honest.

I genuinely don't understand why he'd care whether I was out drinking three or four nights a week or sitting in my house. I wouldn't have been seeing him anyway, why would he care?

It just sounds like you're not quite on the same page with what you want - you more going out drinking and socialising with your friends and colleagues 4 nights a week, him wanting to spend time together as a couple. You say you've other hobbies too, and a busy job (as does he by the sound of it). So all of that doesn't really leave a lot of time for a fulfilling relationship anyway.

Personally, I don't think I'd tolerate being with someone who chooses their friends over me one or both nights every single weekend, on top of being so busy during the week. And if I was like that myself I doubt my current partner would put up with it either.

I think you've misunderstood my post. It wasn't a case of me being out and him wanting to see me. These were nights where I wouldn't have been seeing him anyway. I specifically say in the OP 'I always made sure I fit in evenings with my BF, would see if he wanted to do something at weekends etc. but had absolutely no intention of giving up my friends or social life.' I'm not sure which part of that gives the impression that I was choosing friends over him on Friday & Saturday nights, but for clarity's sake, and to repeat myself, I always asked if he wanted to do something at the weekend. If he didn't, I'm not going to sit in the house if I have better offers. If he did, we'd do something on the Friday or the Saturday and I'd see friends on the other night.

The last two weeks we were together he was at a stag do Friday-Sunday, I saw him on the Wednesday (for what turned out to be the last time), then he went away to see family Thursday - Saturday, then I woke up on Sunday to a text saying he'd like a chat and he finished with me. He wasn't moping about upset I was out and not with him, I wouldn't have been seeing him anyway.

As the previous poster said, focus more on 1) protecting yourself (not advisable to tell them about previous abuse or anything very personal early on) and 2) spotting the red flags.

Thank you. I thought I knew all there was to know about protecting yourself after abusive relationships but I didn't know that not telling them about previous abuse quickly was a no no. I think my red flag antenna is working well. My problem was that I thought it was working too well and I was picking up on things that were innocent, but I was overreacting because of the previous abuse. The few close friends I told as I noticed them all basically said they thought I was overreacting. I had a gut feeling that I wasn't and I should've trusted myself over my (well intentioned) friends.

Him telling you he loves you so soon is one. You cringed every time he said it - that's your gut telling you something's not right. Pay attention to that. This recent thing (that you dumped him over) is a massive giant Tianenment Square sized flag, so well done for dumping him.
It's subjective, but IMO a few weeks in is too soon to be exclusive - did he push for that?

In the end, he actually dumped me. He was keen on being exclusive but I wouldn't say I felt pushed into it. I had more than one friend with benefits situation so I didn't think it was unreasonable to stop seeing other people after a few weeks. He did try and push me into dinners with his family and friends earlier than I'd have liked though. I was happy to meet them casually but he was keen on formal introductions.

He could be controlling or maybe he is just realizing what kind of person he wants a relationship with. It could be that a woman who enjoys sewing circles is more his speed. This is one of the things I have learned as I have gotten older, there are lots of people that are not bad, they are just bad matches for you.

"In the end, he actually dumped me."
Oh sorry, I missed that part and re-read your OP.

So he apologised, you accepted his apology, and he then dumped you because his criticisms hadn't been taken on board.
I wonder if, in response to his apology, he was expecting you to say "No don't be sorry, you were right, I was the one in the wrong!" (i.e. taking his criticisms onboard). Your response was an assertive one, not a grovelling one, therefore not acceptable and you had to be punished?

I would bet money on him trying to hoover you back in at some future point OP!

I've never done internet dating but I disagree that 2 weeks or so is too soon to be exclusive.

I would be uncomfortable if I was dating a man and he was also seeing other women in other evenings. I think it's disrespectful.

It does sound like he felt your work and social schedule were too busy for a relationship. That could be because he was a control freak or maybe he felt your lifestyles were incompatible. Like another poster, I wouldn't be massively happy if I met a man who was 2 or 3 nights at the pub with work and then out for another 3 nights with friends and hobbies. I would assume that that person was too set in their ways for a relationship and didn't have time for one.

It sounds like your lifestyles were incompatible. You could meet a man who is equally busy and is fully on board with a relationship where you see each other a couple of times a week or as and when.

I wouldn't be massively happy if I met a man who was 2 or 3 nights at the pub with work and then out for another 3 nights with friends and hobbies. I would assume that that person was too set in their ways for a relationship and didn't have time for one.

I never at any point referred to five or six nights. I said three or four. He did not want to see me on those nights, it was never a case of 'I'd like to see more of you' or 'would you like to go for dinner on Saturday night?' and me saying no. He just wanted me to sit in my home, alone, not with him.

He didn’t want you out enjoying yourself with friends. He wanted you sat at home mooning over him.
You did nothing wrong he was trying to control you.

Well done OP for questioning everything. So, what can you take away from this? Firstly I think he moved too quick with the “I love yous” and meeting family. Your gut feeling was right. He clearly didn’t love you as he dumped you fairly easily and quickly too. It is of no consequence to him whether you are out at the pub with friends when it’s not your night to see him. I see this as controlling. Can I ask if he has had a past where alcoholism has played a part in his life, either parents or previous relationship? I ask that as he may well be trying to protect himself from more alcoholism situations as you are with abuse situations. It does all sound like you just aren’t compatible. Dating is the process of discovery and whether you match well, it’s ok for it to crash and burn, many do at early stages. However, I am glad to see you having boundaries and protecting yourself. Keep going and you won’t end up in another abusive relationship if you keep your red flag antenna on alert. I also would suggest not divulging your previous abusive relationship so early on. Narcs and abusers will use this to manipulate you. Keep it out of your conversations. Crack on OP and continue to date and keep checking in with your gut feeling. It’s working well.