Why would a man care what I do with evenings I don’t spend with him?

[Breakingmad]

I met a man back in June. He asked me about and we got on great, and became official a few weeks later. I thought we were really similar in what we wanted - he seemed ambitious career wise and enjoyed being out socialising.

I have a busy job which maybe 2 nights a week involves evening meetings till 9 or so after which a few of us will go to the pub for a couple of drinks. I also tend to see friends either on a Friday or Saturday night, and not infrequently both.

I always made sure I fit in evenings with my BF, would see if he wanted to do something at weekends etc. but had absolutely no intention of giving up my friends or social life. 13 years ago I left an abusive relationship where I wasn’t allowed to have friends or socialise and I am hyper aware or not letting that happen again. This man is my first ‘official’ relationship since then.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of months and we’d had an argument, completely unrelated to socialising. He told me he wasn’t interested in mid week and I needed to find hobbies that didn’t consist of sitting in bars till closing time (I have several, which he well knew). I said he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to and went home.

I thought it over for a couple of days and was just about to message him wishing him well, and saying the relationship wasn’t for me, when I received one from him apologising, saying he’d been out of order and wrong, and I accepted the apology.

Last week, out of the blue, he finished with me. Said his criticisms hadn’t been taken on board, but had instead been used against him.

Now I don’t really care that it’s over, feel more relieved than anything. But I just don’t understand what his problem was. We don’t live together, I made time for him, so why does he care if I have a glass of wine in a pub after work, or have a glass of wine watching Emmerdale after work? It literally makes no difference to him.

I did think I saw a few red flags, nothing serious, but notable, during the relationship, but was convinced by friends that I was just hyper sensitive due to my previous abusive relationship.

I’m now worried that I was right, that he would’ve liked to control me more, and that I’ll always attract either men who I know can’t commit for various reasons (as I have over the past 13 years), or men who aren’t happy to let me do as I please (obviously I don’t mean cheating or whatever).

What is going on? Am I doing something to attract the wrong men?

Hello again op!

Yikes that's creepy that he is still messaging you.
Actually a bit worrying tbh. Weren't you only together a short time too?

Yes, a very short time. We met in the June, became ‘official’ in the July and finished in the October. I haven’t spoken a word to him since, but get messages through different platforms. Streams of consciousness about how he’s grown up, got his head together, never wanted to finish, has learnt a lot about himself since etc.

It is very strange and definitely confirms that red flags were flying, and I ignored them.

I tell a lie. I bumped into him once (in a pub) and he said hello, and I said hello back. Nothing to suggest he should persevere with messages.

He continues to do so. He has sent several begging texts, usually spaced several weeks or even months apart. The last one I received was on Thursday. I haven’t replied to a single one, but still he persists. Very odd.

He's hoping that one time he'll catch you at a vulnerable moment @Breakingmad , and you might start chatting to and eventually be involved with him again.

Block him on everything, no need to keep him unblocked.

I wouldn't date someone who socialised regularly in bars, cocktails or pub types. Not for me, I'm afraid.

No need for him to try to change you though. Just move on.
You weren't compatible.

I have - he pops up with new Facebook/Instagram/Twitter accounts. Very weird, and very relieved it ended when it did.

OP,
You read as a switched on woman as I reread this thread.

MN has a raft of posters who become very exercised when alcohol is mentioned, glad you paid the no heed.
Your life sounds great.
Likewise the ridiculous posts about you having the temerity to have a busy life😱🙄....good for you.

However, those friends of you have frighteningly low standards, NEVER listen to them again.

@Pinkbonbon bed this advice down........never mention an abusive past or entertain discussing how many sexual partners...no ones business, ever.

@category12 good advice too.

@DogsWithJobs really nailed it.

He really liked you IMO, but absolutely was a controlling freak desperately trying to bring you down.

You were too busy, confident, self assured.

He dumped you in a fit of annoyance as he wasn't making progress.

It's likely he continues to fancy you and would like another crack at you if possible, hence the efforts to catch you on a weak day.

Listen to that gut of yours.
Insults are insults, NEVER banter.
They are digs dressed up to have a pop at you on the sly.

Never allow any man have a sly dig at you.
Men that do that back away very quickly when challenged, call you "sensitive", but the truth is, a decent man doesn't make digs, so there is no reason to accept even one from anyone.

Best of luck.

You were definitely right, You had noticed the red flags and although he finished it, eventually you’ll have sewn them all together and realised yourself anyway. You were in the middle of this process. At least you’ve now learnt you can trust your instincts.

I don’t get this modern thing with blocking. It’s perfectly easy to not respond. I’d rather know what the other person is doing and saying and then just ignore,

Trying to get the bigger picture here before writing him off as "controlling". From what I read between the lines, it sounds as if he was unhappy about being at the bottom of the pecking order on the best evenings of the week (Friday/Saturday). Have I got this part wrong?

Just seen your subsequent posts. Yep, controlling freaky weirdo.

Yes @ImpartialMongoose its all moved on since!

@Breakingmad I’ve just started a thread regarding a psychiatrist saying we should never explain our pasts to alleviate repeat behaviour. I’m like you, my last ex had red flags and despite seeing them chose to think it wasn’t that bigger deal..then it just got worse. I’m glad you saw he wasn’t right for you!

The more I read about him, the weirder he sounds. I would have asked him what his problem with alcohol was, insisting on booze free dates but then fine to go to the pub. Definitely insecure, maybe he thought you’d lose your inhibitions and run off with some random bloke at the pub!

I’d say that maybe he had some undesirable traits
and that you maybe both moved a bit too fast

but maybe he didn’t like the drinking so much either ? or maybe your social life wasn’t a fit for him ?
that’s not a criticism
you do you
but maybe you weren’t compatible basically

Just block block block. He's veering into stalker territory now with messaging under different accounts

Well hopefully you’ve learned not to tell a man too much straight off the bat. Knowledge is power for these kinds of pricks. That said, they are usually very perceptive anyway about Women’s weak spots or vulnerability so will be zoning in anyway. Going slow, protecting your privacy - and most of all being very alert for red flags 🚩 is the way to go. Listen for them - they will nearly always appear even early on - and DONT give a man the benefit of the doubt OR feel sorry for him (another of their manipulations). Even ONE incident of bad or dodgy behaviour by text, phone or in person is time to move on, immediately.

lucky you got away from him quick 🙂

I agree. The Gift of Fear advocates not blocking.

Is he concerned you drink too much?

If this post was about a woman being concerned that her DP is out most nights drinking then I'd imagine the responses would be very different. They'd be telling her he's bad news and an alcoholic!

Enjoy!

I feel relieved on your behalf he’s gone.

Apologies for reviving this ancient thread, and especially with a different username (I got rid of the last one at some point and can’t remember any of the login details), but I saw ex tonight and remembered this thread, so reread out of curiosity.

Not that I expect anyone to care, but thought I’d update that I’m very much still with FWB man, although he isn’t FWB any more. And to those who said it would feel easy when it was ‘right’, it absolutely does.

That's great to read, thank you for updating 😊

Good to hear, OP!

Thank you 😊

Edit: Just seen this is an old resurrected thread. Glad to read the positive update OP!

However did you find the thread again then?

Fwb was just a slow burn romance you'd dismissed?