Why would a man care what I do with evenings I don’t spend with him?

[Breakingmad]

I met a man back in June. He asked me about and we got on great, and became official a few weeks later. I thought we were really similar in what we wanted - he seemed ambitious career wise and enjoyed being out socialising.

I have a busy job which maybe 2 nights a week involves evening meetings till 9 or so after which a few of us will go to the pub for a couple of drinks. I also tend to see friends either on a Friday or Saturday night, and not infrequently both.

I always made sure I fit in evenings with my BF, would see if he wanted to do something at weekends etc. but had absolutely no intention of giving up my friends or social life. 13 years ago I left an abusive relationship where I wasn’t allowed to have friends or socialise and I am hyper aware or not letting that happen again. This man is my first ‘official’ relationship since then.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of months and we’d had an argument, completely unrelated to socialising. He told me he wasn’t interested in mid week and I needed to find hobbies that didn’t consist of sitting in bars till closing time (I have several, which he well knew). I said he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to and went home.

I thought it over for a couple of days and was just about to message him wishing him well, and saying the relationship wasn’t for me, when I received one from him apologising, saying he’d been out of order and wrong, and I accepted the apology.

Last week, out of the blue, he finished with me. Said his criticisms hadn’t been taken on board, but had instead been used against him.

Now I don’t really care that it’s over, feel more relieved than anything. But I just don’t understand what his problem was. We don’t live together, I made time for him, so why does he care if I have a glass of wine in a pub after work, or have a glass of wine watching Emmerdale after work? It literally makes no difference to him.

I did think I saw a few red flags, nothing serious, but notable, during the relationship, but was convinced by friends that I was just hyper sensitive due to my previous abusive relationship.

I’m now worried that I was right, that he would’ve liked to control me more, and that I’ll always attract either men who I know can’t commit for various reasons (as I have over the past 13 years), or men who aren’t happy to let me do as I please (obviously I don’t mean cheating or whatever).

What is going on? Am I doing something to attract the wrong men?

You know, this is I think the THIRD thread running at the moment, about the issues men have with their girlfriends/wives going out without them -- is it an epidemic?

I second @lovemenot
Good for you OP for having a busy and it sounds rewarding life with colleagues you like enough to have a glass of wine with and friends you regularly meet up with. To me it seems strange some find your lifestyle more problematic than this man's behaviour. I'm glad you're shot of him and good luck with the Freedom programme.

Lucky escape as far as I’m concerned- few weeks in and he’s already trying to mould you, guilt you etc etcthat shit escalates. I imagine with your ex it started out similarly.

It’s not inevitable that you will attract controlling men, you have seen what he is, and you keep your boundaries in place and protect the life you have built. He’ll probably call you soon to “give you another chance” 🙄

He’s either controlling or feels like he just can’t keep up with you but the teasing and the sudden irritation would have been a complete turn off for me already. It actually sounds like you were doing all the organising etc and he’s an all round wet lettuce.

@IAAP Asking if you attract the ‘wrong sort of men’ ? Yes but only because there are so many that are abusive - thousands.

I think it's not so much that a woman consistently attracts the wrong sort of men, it's that boundaries aren't reinforced. They hang on thinking that things will get better, they will change them, instead of getting rid of a loser immediately. Not that this is what the OP did, but many others do.

[quote DuchessOfDisaster]**@IAAP* Asking if you attract the ‘wrong sort of men’ ? Yes but only because there are so many that are abusive - thousands.*

I think it's not so much that a woman consistently attracts the wrong sort of men, it's that boundaries aren't reinforced. They hang on thinking that things will get better, they will change them, instead of getting rid of a loser immediately. Not that this is what the OP did, but many others do.[/quote]
But this is victim blaming. Many men come across as lovely THEN they show there true colours and blame stress, children, illness or the ex wife etc

Men shouldn’t do this the onus is on them, I had the sweetest kindest man who groomed me for 3 years post divorce - just a friend for 2 and a half of those. Helping him and his ex wife certainly had elements of being unhinged. He did flowers, helping, taking it slow etc and then bam! Showed his true colours he still wanted me back unearthed texts to his brother saying ‘ I’m just trying get back with her for a few weeks to get this this and this off her’ etc

It doesn't matter. Move on. Don't let him stay in your head, rent free.

It's really hard work to rebuild and police your "shark cage".

I went on a single date with someone and there were tons of red flags with him, and I found myself open to another date initially. Fortunately a couple of things intervened and I ended up getting some time to think and instead I blocked him - but it frightened me that actually I hadn't made the progress I thought I had.

This actually sums up my worry and the point I was haphazardly trying to make perfectly. It's exactly that it's frightened me that I wasn't secure in just leaving at the first sign of a red flag as I thought I'd be.

Surely some of the other 3 evenings are spent on shopping/cleaning/other admin stuff. Partner is probably left with one or two evenings spent together which really wouldn't be enough for many people.

I can absolutely assure you that no evenings of my life are spent on cleaning, or admin stuff

And I mean, even if he’s not going to their social occasions — even hearing that someone went for a run on Monday, went out for a post-work drink Tuesday, went to a film and dinner with friends Thursday, was seeing him on Friday, doing park run Sat am and was meeting friends for brunch on Sunday would exhaust him as an idea.

The idea that hearing about someone else's plans can exhaust someone blows my mind.

@HunkyPunk

You’re not doing anything to attract the wrong men. You just want to be you. Unfortunately that’s something many men have a problem with, but it’s their problem, not yours.

Trust your own instincts, op. They’re well honed by past experience. Don’t be persuaded by well-intentioned friends that things aren’t ‘off’ when you know they are. The other side of that coin is that you will also know when things are right.

This this this with bells on! Keep your bar high even from the beginning! You mentioned you were relieved that it was finished? Were you picking up the red flags?

At least you didn't stay with him as he upped the abuse. Now you need to work on keeping that bar high and not letting it slip.

If a date of mine is 5 minutes late for the first date, he has no chance of getting a second. Unless he's a Believable excuse. I know how I deserve to be treated. And it sounds like you do too.

I have a lot of friends who accept shit I wouldn't accept. Listen to your gut which was right. If your friends disagree they can have a relationship with them.

He negged you, he put you down about drinking and going out. For whatever reason. He couldn't keep a conversation going yet he put you down for that. And he's supposed to love you? Pfft

I think you'll find he was transferring and didn't like you going out because he actually knows he can't be trusted on a night out. Sounds to me that the biggest change was stag do weekend - I bet he met someone then and did something, so you barely saw him after. He's moved on to another because he couldn't control you like he thought he would be able to - never tell a man you don't know well about an abusive past, it would only serve to make normal people wonder and hesitate, while the abusive ones try to lovebomb, move things fast, then ramp up the abuse thinking that you'll go along with it if they behave nice in between.
Hope you can get your FWB's back, might be worth sticking with them a bit longer. Trust your gut next time, if it feels wrong, it is wrong.

Hope you can get your FWB's back, might be worth sticking with them a bit longer.

I certainly have, thank god.

@JudgementalCactus

I needed to find hobbies that didn’t consist of sitting in bars till closing time

Is he right about being at the bar till closing time, OP?

Is there a law about staying in a bar until closing time? 😂

@Cyberworrier

I second *@lovemenot* Good for you OP for having a busy and it sounds rewarding life with colleagues you like enough to have a glass of wine with and friends you regularly meet up with. To me it seems strange some find your lifestyle more problematic than this man's behaviour. I'm glad you're shot of him and good luck with the Freedom programme.

Agree. Good for OP for having a busy and enjoyable life.

@Sparklfairy

Not sure if this applies to you but I've dated a few men who don't want to just slot into and enhance my life, but completely replace the life I had before I met them. Gradually they would moan if I wanted to see friends or work late instead, they would establish "routines" without me realising "oh but Saturday is OUR night" etc. As I'm quite laid back and go with the flow, I'd often move things around to avoid upsetting them or causing conflict.

I don't want that for myself now. Whether or not he was controlling he was, you sound a bit like me in that you want a relationship that "adds to" your existing life rather than replace it. He sounds like he wanted to latch on and change you, mould you into what his idea of what a relationship should be.

Honestly if you'd continued it would have been a constant source of conflict - you pushing back, or backing down and accommodating what he wants.

The only good thing about previous abusive relationships (especially bad ones) is that you see the signs earlier on with future relationships. Trust me when I say it isn't you!

I believe this is the case with most men.

They believe your life should revolve around them and the woman is supposed to do the accommodating.

You see it time and time again on here especially after marriage and having a baby. He pretty much goes on about his life the way he always has while she has gone PT, ends up doing most of the housework, childcare, and everything else.
Relationships aren't meant to trade in your life for the life of someone else until you're a shell of your former self.

Thanks everyone. I’m fairly certain now that it’s not me, it’s him.

Off to FWB’s house tonight for a great night of drinking and easy conversation, which will include him enthusiastically joining in with the gossip I have for him (another criticism ex had was that I ‘gossiped too much’ and he’d ‘humoured it till now but wouldn’t be any more’).

Why the duck didn’t I leave sooner? 🤨

@Breakingmad

Thanks everyone. I’m fairly certain now that it’s not me, it’s him.

Off to FWB’s house tonight for a great night of drinking and easy conversation, which will include him enthusiastically joining in with the gossip I have for him (another criticism ex had was that I ‘gossiped too much’ and he’d ‘humoured it till now but wouldn’t be any more’).

Why the duck didn’t I leave sooner? 🤨

Good on you, OP. FWB sounds like fun.

Off to FWB’s house tonight for a great night of drinking and easy conversation

OP, genuine question: how often do you go out, and not drink? Do you drink at home alone? What is the longest you have gone between drinks in the last year?

@Hont1986 And this is your business, why? Genuine question.

My business? No, it's a public forum where OP posted and asked for advice. Do you have anything to contribute?

@Hont1986 She came to a public forum and asked for advice about a specific issue, to which I did indeed contribute. Said issue is now resolved. She didn’t ask for your advice or contributions on the nature or frequency of her drinking, so perhaps mind your own business. Genuinely.

No, I don't think it is resolved. I think the issue is her possible alcoholism, based on the frequency of, and her attitude towards, her drinking. I think it's worth asking about, if she doesn't want to answer then I'm sure she doesn't need you to decide that for her.

I think he may have insecurities that he hid from you. Whilst you were out having fun, all sorts of things were running through his head. Wondering what you're up to, meeting other men. He didnt know where you were, what you were doing and who you may meet

Maybe he tried to be ok with that but couldn't.

You sound very fun, chatty, outgoing and loads of energy and sounds like you have your shit together

Maybe that intimidated him. He's probably more suited to a quiet home-body type

You're more suited to somebody really independent, confident and socialable

OP, genuine question: how often do you go out, and not drink? Do you drink at home alone? What is the longest you have gone between drinks in the last year?

Thank you for what I am sure is genuine concern, but I am not remotely concerned about my ‘possible alcoholism’

@Hont1986 You posted on a public forum, so - according to your logic - I’m allowed to ask you whatever I like.

OP considers the matter on which she requested advice to be resolved. She doesn’t need you to decide for her that it’s not.

@Breakingmad I hope you had a fun evening and there’s a fabulous weekend ahead. Well done for rising above some of these ludicrous comments. You sound fab.