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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why would a man care what I do with evenings I don’t spend with him?

185 replies

Breakingmad · 10/11/2021 01:35

I met a man back in June. He asked me about and we got on great, and became official a few weeks later. I thought we were really similar in what we wanted - he seemed ambitious career wise and enjoyed being out socialising.

I have a busy job which maybe 2 nights a week involves evening meetings till 9 or so after which a few of us will go to the pub for a couple of drinks. I also tend to see friends either on a Friday or Saturday night, and not infrequently both.

I always made sure I fit in evenings with my BF, would see if he wanted to do something at weekends etc. but had absolutely no intention of giving up my friends or social life. 13 years ago I left an abusive relationship where I wasn’t allowed to have friends or socialise and I am hyper aware or not letting that happen again. This man is my first ‘official’ relationship since then.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of months and we’d had an argument, completely unrelated to socialising. He told me he wasn’t interested in mid week and I needed to find hobbies that didn’t consist of sitting in bars till closing time (I have several, which he well knew). I said he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to and went home.

I thought it over for a couple of days and was just about to message him wishing him well, and saying the relationship wasn’t for me, when I received one from him apologising, saying he’d been out of order and wrong, and I accepted the apology.

Last week, out of the blue, he finished with me. Said his criticisms hadn’t been taken on board, but had instead been used against him.

Now I don’t really care that it’s over, feel more relieved than anything. But I just don’t understand what his problem was. We don’t live together, I made time for him, so why does he care if I have a glass of wine in a pub after work, or have a glass of wine watching Emmerdale after work? It literally makes no difference to him.

I did think I saw a few red flags, nothing serious, but notable, during the relationship, but was convinced by friends that I was just hyper sensitive due to my previous abusive relationship.

I’m now worried that I was right, that he would’ve liked to control me more, and that I’ll always attract either men who I know can’t commit for various reasons (as I have over the past 13 years), or men who aren’t happy to let me do as I please (obviously I don’t mean cheating or whatever).

What is going on? Am I doing something to attract the wrong men?

OP posts:

Original poster

Breakingmad · 10/11/2021 06:10

Thanks litterbird.

Can I ask if he has had a past where alcoholism has played a part in his life, either parents or previous relationship?

No, not that I'm aware. I met him through my friend - my friend had gone to school with him and my ex had recently moved back to where we live, and I bumped into them and he asked me out. I asked my friend about him and my friend said he was really nice and that we'd get on because he liked being out and about doing things as much as I did, and in the early stages that very much was the case. Then after a couple of months he sort of changed and made me feel bad for behaving the same way I did when he was asking me out and telling me he loved me. Mind, ex also told me he was very interested in the industry I work in, and after a couple of dates I'd worked out that that wasn't true, so maybe he acted differently at first thinking it's what I wanted, but I trust my friend's opinion. Funnily enough my friend mentioned last week that he's hardly seen my ex lately.

The only alcohol reference I can think of him making with regards to his family is him telling me his step mother had loaned him a book about how to cut down on drinking, but I think that was designed as a dig at me so I didn't make anything out of it.

OP posts:

romdowa · 10/11/2021 06:10

I think it was the drinking too. I wouldn't want to date anyone that drinks that much , it would be a massive red flag for me and I'd run for the hills.

WTF475878237NC · 10/11/2021 06:12

Perhaps he was looking ahead to the future. If you had no intention of changing your routine, could he have been thinking so if we move in together she'll be out drinking several nights a week? I wouldn't want a partner who did that either. It's not compatible with my lifestyle.

Original poster

Breakingmad · 10/11/2021 06:14

Mind, my friend also said I'd struggle to get a word in edge ways because he was so chatty, when in reality it was me keeping the conversation going, which wasn't easy at times. And then he used to 'tease' me that I talked too much. If I hadn't, we'd have just sat in silence quite frequently, so my friend must know a different side to him - the one I first met.

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 10/11/2021 06:14

He could be a controlling arse, or he might have decided that he doesn't want a relationship with someone who spends 3 or 4 nights out drinking a week, plus hobbies, plus busy job. It's fine for someone to realise that they're not compatible with someone and that something might not work for them long term.

Either way it sounds very messy for such an early days relationship though and if you're not comfortable with it then the relationship needed to end anyway.

Original poster

Breakingmad · 10/11/2021 06:16

I think it was the drinking too. I wouldn't want to date anyone that drinks that much , it would be a massive red flag for me and I'd run for the hills.

Would it bother you to date a person who had a glass of wine in the house twice a week whilst watching the TV, and saw friends at the weekend?

OP posts:

Original poster

Breakingmad · 10/11/2021 06:21

Perhaps, although there is absolutely no way we'd have been moving in together. No getting married or having kids either. I was crystal clear on that from the start.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 10/11/2021 06:22

I think you were just incompatible and to be honest I can see why he thought you didn’t have time for him. Two nights out during the week and one or two nights at the weekend is a lot and he might have felt that he was left with the dregs of your time or nothing at all. I must admit, I would like to feel somebody had more time for me too.

Grimsknee · 10/11/2021 06:26

Eh don't be derailed OP, I think you've done well with stating your boundaries with this bloke - i.e., saying he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do / accepting his apology and not backtracking on your right to do what you want to with your time (even if you were getting blind drunk with friends... which clearly you're not - I don't think some commenters bother reading the threads)

category12 · 10/11/2021 06:29

@Pinkbonbon

And never tell new partners about abusive exs early on. Its a green light for them to see you as an easy target if they are similarly abusive.

This.

Original poster

Breakingmad · 10/11/2021 06:30

Two nights out during the week and one or two nights at the weekend is a lot and he might have felt that he was left with the dregs of your time or nothing at all. I must admit, I would like to feel somebody had more time for me too.

I feel like I've said this a dozen times now, but they were not nights I'd have been seeing him anyway. If I'm out during the week it's for a glass of wine after meetings which go on till 9. I would never see him on those nights regardless of the wine. Would've been far too late to by the time I'd get home. I'd always ask if he wanted to see me at the weekend. If he did, great, we did. But often he was busy himself, so I saw friends.

OP posts:

IAAP · 10/11/2021 06:31

@Pinkbonbon

And never tell new partners about abusive exs early on. Its a green light for them to see you as an easy target if they are similarly abusive.

This. They use it against you.

Asking if you attract the ‘wrong sort of men’ ? Yes but only because there are so many that are abusive - thousands. So for every 10 men you go on dates with that seem nice - in my experience 8 will have poor ingrained attitude to women, sex, careers etc the trick is spotting them early and quickly disengaging at any red flag - no excuses - no second chances. Eg demands a date without alcohol you agree and then he takes you to a pub that a huge siren and flare there after the date text and just say it’s not working for me.

So it’s not you as such it is the sheer number of men that have no idea what a mutually respectful relationship are. Do the freedom programme get some therapy and do not give second chances not 2 weeks in or 2 months or 2 years - some play the long game decent for a long time but revealing their true self

IAAP · 10/11/2021 06:32

Also he wanted to finish with you and may yet try to reel you back - it’s all about power with this one

category12 · 10/11/2021 06:33

It sounds like there were a few red flags that you kind of talked yourself out of, or your friend talked you out of.

Original poster

Breakingmad · 10/11/2021 06:36

(even if you were getting blind drunk with friends... which clearly you're not - I don't think some commenters bother reading the threads)

Thank you for this. I think some people are deliberately misinterpreting my post as me saying I go out clubbing till 6am six nights a week, not for a glass of wine or two following a meeting. I do think you're right though - if I was clubbing till 6am at times when I would not be seeing him anyway, why would he care? I didn't care what he was doing on nights he wasn't seeing me. He's a grown man and he can do what he likes.

OP posts:

rrhuth · 10/11/2021 06:39

Don't overthink it. He was a controlling arse, you've escaped. Keep trying and keep learning!

Original poster

Breakingmad · 10/11/2021 06:43

It sounds like there were a few red flags that you kind of talked yourself out of, or your friend talked you out of.

Absolutely definitely I did. I convinced myself I was being paranoid.

Do the freedom programme get some therapy and do not give second chances not 2 weeks in or 2 months or 2 years - some play the long game decent for a long time but revealing their true self

Funnily enough I've looked at the Freedom Programme lots of times but never got round to it. I have read the book though. I will try and get on the course.

I'm honestly thinking that I might just stick with my commitmentphobe good friend who'll text me every day, see me every couple of weeks for a great night (company and sex wise) and not give a toss what I do with my own time. Hopefully he'll have me back.

OP posts:

blissfulllife · 10/11/2021 07:00

I'm not sure he was controlling really. I've finished with men if I've felt their lifestyle wasn't one with which I felt comfortable with. Drinking so much would be a huge red flag for myself to be fair. If I met a man who went out drinking four times a week I'd be uncomfortable with that. Although to then want alcohol free days out then take you to a pub is a bit strange!. And he sounds like he rushed things emotionally too, red flags for you no doubt. But yes I think it was the alcohol that was the issue for him.

Oblomov21 · 10/11/2021 07:01

Op is completely missing the point. And when people ask her she can't see their POW.

It 'seems' and would 'appear' and it gives the 'impression' that you seem very very busy and don't have any time or room for anyone else. Even if you did meet him when he wanted, your lifestyle presents that way, to many of us. I wouldn't be interested, it would be a red flag to me. I would want someone busy and fulfilled but not too much, they need to have a lot of room for me! Plus the drinking and being out do much does seem too much too.

Oblomov21 · 10/11/2021 07:04

Whether you did or could have met him when he wanted is not the point. We know you did. You keep telling us. That's not the point. The point is you appear too busy. To most of us.

category12 · 10/11/2021 07:05

I think he was busily creating a narrative where you're a problem drinker and good-time girl who can't be trusted, in order to control you in future. Super important to remove your confidence to socialise independently. (Sorry about the posters who are also trying to sell you that narrative )

ParmigianoReggiano · 10/11/2021 07:05

I genuinely don't understand why he'd care whether I was out drinking three or four nights a week or sitting in my house. I wouldn't have been seeing him anyway, why would he care?

Because in the early months of dating, both parties are considering whether this is the right relationship for them in the long term. It sounds like you feel very strongly about your independence and that your social life is none of his business (understandably, given your experience with your ex). Also you made it clear that the future did not involve marriage, kids or moving in together. It is possible that he found this independence attractive at first, but as time went on he realised that he wanted something different in a partner - someone who is more of a homebody.

That doesn't mean your lifestyle is wrong - it's just different from his. I tend to agree with him that going out three or four nights a week is a lot. It's all very well to say why would he care but we tend to want to be with someone similar to ourselves. it's reasonable for him to decide that the two of you are just too different for this to work in the long term.

I don't think he sounds controlling. I agree with the posters saying you just weren't compatible.

Original poster

Breakingmad · 10/11/2021 07:12

But yes I think it was the alcohol that was the issue for him.

And yet, it wasn’t when I was drinking with him.

It 'seems' and would 'appear' and it gives the 'impression' that you seem very very busy and don't have any time or room for anyone else

I genuinely don’t know how I can put it any more plainly that I always made time to see him, and always asked him what he wanted to do weekends.

OP posts:

ToastieSnowy · 10/11/2021 07:13

It could be that he’s controlling. It could be that he felt he couldn’t see you at the weekend because you were out. It could be he thought you drank too much. Maybe he thought going out to the pub a lot was too much of a Covid risk. There’s no way of knowing his motives.

What is clear is that you two weren’t compatible, especially as you were relieved it was over. Forget about that one, enjoy your socialising and hopefully the next one fits your lifestyle perfectly.

Original poster

Breakingmad · 10/11/2021 07:16

It could be that he felt he couldn’t see you at the weekend because you were out.

Seriously are my posts difficult to understand? It literally says in the OP, and in several subsequent posts, that I always asked him if he wanted to do something at the weekend. If he was busy, I’d arrange alternative plans. Why is this so difficult for people to understand?

OP posts:

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