Why would a man care what I do with evenings I don’t spend with him?

[Breakingmad]

I met a man back in June. He asked me about and we got on great, and became official a few weeks later. I thought we were really similar in what we wanted - he seemed ambitious career wise and enjoyed being out socialising.

I have a busy job which maybe 2 nights a week involves evening meetings till 9 or so after which a few of us will go to the pub for a couple of drinks. I also tend to see friends either on a Friday or Saturday night, and not infrequently both.

I always made sure I fit in evenings with my BF, would see if he wanted to do something at weekends etc. but had absolutely no intention of giving up my friends or social life. 13 years ago I left an abusive relationship where I wasn’t allowed to have friends or socialise and I am hyper aware or not letting that happen again. This man is my first ‘official’ relationship since then.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of months and we’d had an argument, completely unrelated to socialising. He told me he wasn’t interested in mid week and I needed to find hobbies that didn’t consist of sitting in bars till closing time (I have several, which he well knew). I said he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to and went home.

I thought it over for a couple of days and was just about to message him wishing him well, and saying the relationship wasn’t for me, when I received one from him apologising, saying he’d been out of order and wrong, and I accepted the apology.

Last week, out of the blue, he finished with me. Said his criticisms hadn’t been taken on board, but had instead been used against him.

Now I don’t really care that it’s over, feel more relieved than anything. But I just don’t understand what his problem was. We don’t live together, I made time for him, so why does he care if I have a glass of wine in a pub after work, or have a glass of wine watching Emmerdale after work? It literally makes no difference to him.

I did think I saw a few red flags, nothing serious, but notable, during the relationship, but was convinced by friends that I was just hyper sensitive due to my previous abusive relationship.

I’m now worried that I was right, that he would’ve liked to control me more, and that I’ll always attract either men who I know can’t commit for various reasons (as I have over the past 13 years), or men who aren’t happy to let me do as I please (obviously I don’t mean cheating or whatever).

What is going on? Am I doing something to attract the wrong men?

So some wowsers on here hypothetically wouldn't date you because you have an active social life. Cool cool, that is their perfect right.

You just keep paying attention to that gut, and don't let any man for whatever reason stop you pursuing your career and enjoying the associated social activities!

So, when you asked him what he wanted to do next weekend, what if he said "not sure, no plans really". Would you take that to mean that he wasn't up for meeting up, so you would make arrangements to meet a friend instead? If so, maybe he was hoping that sometimes the two of you would just chill out together in front of the TV?

I have a similar background to yourself op and as a result I'm hyper aware and protect my friendships with a passion.

What I have found is that there are varying degrees of control and emotional abuse. My ex was extreme, so easy to spot, others not so extreme, but will chip away at your self esteem. Sounds like your recent ex was one of the latter ones.

Chipping away by making odd comments, you start to doubt that you're the reasonable one, the situations when you suggested a day out without alcohol and he then suggests the pub. It's all designed to confuse you and get you second guessing what's happening. Adds a little love bombing to start with and increased arguments and it starts to paint the bigger picture.

Sounds like he just wanted to be the dumper and realised after the first argument that you were planning to leave, so made up with you, only you be in control of the dumping.

I have no doubt you'll get a 'how are you text' in a few days/weeks time as he tries to reel you back in.

I'd suggest you use this time to get some councilling or do the freedom programme. Your boundaries are almost in place but weak enough that he managed to get in before you realised what was happening.

@ParmigianoReggiano

So, when you asked him what he wanted to do next weekend, what if he said "not sure, no plans really". Would you take that to mean that he wasn't up for meeting up, so you would make arrangements to meet a friend instead? If so, maybe he was hoping that sometimes the two of you would just chill out together in front of the TV?

Maybe she'd expect a grown man to take the initiative and suggest they do something together if that's what he wanted.

@Breakingmad

I think it was the drinking too. I wouldn't want to date anyone that drinks that much , it would be a massive red flag for me and I'd run for the hills.

Would it bother you to date a person who had a glass of wine in the house twice a week whilst watching the TV, and saw friends at the weekend?

Yes it would. 4 nights a week consuming alcohol would make me walk away. Just isn't the type of partner that I would want

OP, I think you're seeing this as a 'failed' relationship, but actually it's a good thing if the two of you both realise you're not right for each other and split up before either of you are too emotionally invested. No one to blame, no abuse, no major underlying character flaws in either of you. Just two people who would both be better suited to a different partner.

It's over OP, no need to over analyse or dissect the relationship.

So, when you asked him what he wanted to do next weekend, what if he said "not sure, no plans really". Would you take that to mean that he wasn't up for meeting up, so you would make arrangements to meet a friend instead? If so, maybe he was hoping that sometimes the two of you would just chill out together in front of the TV?

On a Sunday -

Me: ‘You got anything much planned this week?’

Him: ‘Watching the match with my dad on Thursday. When are you free?’

Me: ‘I’ve got meetings on Monday and Thursday evenings. Do you fancy doing something on Tuesday and/or Wednesday?’

Him: ‘Yeah great.’

Me: ‘What about the weekend? Are you free?’

Him: ‘No, it’s Matt’s stag do’

Me: ‘Oh yes of course, that’ll be fun’

Or

Him: ‘No plans at the weekend’

Me: ‘Great, do you fancy doing something on Friday night?’

@Oblomov21

Whether you did or could have met him when he wanted is not the point. We know you did. You keep telling us. That's not the point. The point is you appear too busy. To most of us.

Speak for yourself. OP is doing nothing wrong in my opinion.

@HunkyPunk

You’re not doing anything to attract the wrong men. You just want to be you. Unfortunately that’s something many men have a problem with, but it’s their problem, not yours.

Trust your own instincts, op. They’re well honed by past experience. Don’t be persuaded by well-intentioned friends that things aren’t ‘off’ when you know they are. The other side of that coin is that you will also know when things are right.

This is so accurate. Many men seem to think it’s their right and their job to be ‘in charge’.

It's over OP, no need to over analyse or dissect the relationship.

It’s not the relationship I’m bothered about. I wasn’t that into him, and as I said in the OP I’m relieved he finished it. My worry is why I didn’t finish it once my gut was saying something wrong, and my head was noticing red flags.

Interesting different perspectives here. Obviously people who say they have boundaries and values around partners' alcohol consumption are valid.
But doesn't sound like that's been mentioned at all by this fellow, and there are strong hints of his manipulative behaviour and incipient gaslighting, and OP being punished for not complying with his "criticism".

Like others, I think there'll be an attempt by him to reconnect in the next weeks/ months. OP I would love an update if he does.

But you've only been seeing him since June OP. It's not like you let this drag on for years (or even many months).

It's not like you let this drag on for years (or even many months).

I didn’t finish it.

@Breakingmad

It's not like you let this drag on for years (or even many months).

I didn’t finish it.

You were about to though, which is good!

@Breakingmad

It's over OP, no need to over analyse or dissect the relationship.

It’s not the relationship I’m bothered about. I wasn’t that into him, and as I said in the OP I’m relieved he finished it. My worry is why I didn’t finish it once my gut was saying something wrong, and my head was noticing red flags.

It's really hard work to rebuild and police your "shark cage".

I went on a single date with someone and there were tons of red flags with him, and I found myself open to another date initially. Fortunately a couple of things intervened and I ended up getting some time to think and instead I blocked him - but it frightened me that actually I hadn't made the progress I thought I had.

I think it's an ongoing process, to build your "shark cage" and keep checking it over. It's helpful if you have someone with good awareness of red flags and stuff to bounce things off (not your friend here).

www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

I have a similar background to yourself op and as a result I'm hyper aware and protect my friendships with a passion.

What I have found is that there are varying degrees of control and emotional abuse. My ex was extreme, so easy to spot, others not so extreme, but will chip away at your self esteem. Sounds like your recent ex was one of the latter ones.

Chipping away by making odd comments, you start to doubt that you're the reasonable one, the situations when you suggested a day out without alcohol and he then suggests the pub. It's all designed to confuse you and get you second guessing what's happening. Adds a little love bombing to start with and increased arguments and it starts to paint the bigger picture.

Thanks for this. I’m exactly the same about passionately protecting my friendships. There is absolutely no chance on god’s earth I’ll be stopping seeing friends for a man ever again.

My first red flag was the little insults he kept making, but he would brush them off as teasing and say that was how his friends acted with each other. I actually accused him of negging at one point and got a grovelling apology swearing it would stop, which in fairness it did. Then there were red flags with money, and him going from joking on to being seriously annoyed in a click of a finger. But when I told my close friends, it was ‘the poor lad can’t do anything right’, or ‘when he tells you you can’t go out then I’ll be worried’, then when he did start being funny about that and I nearly finished it, my friends said ‘well he’s listened to what you’ve said and has apologised.’ I don’t know why I didn’t trust myself.

He told me he wasn’t interested in mid week (drinking) and I needed to find hobbies that didn’t consist of sitting in bars till closing time (I have several, which he well knew)

So he doesn't want to mid-week drink but doesn't want you doing it either!? also rude to tell you to find new hobbies.

Despite how some PP's want to portray it, you can and were 'doing it all' - as in, having an active social life AND making time for him, and this is the problem, he didn't like that, he sounds like he wanted to be the centre of your universe and when it became clear that you would still maintain a social life then he threw the toys out of the pram.

Especially in the early stages of a relationship and not living together your way of life sounds perfectly balanced. I honestly don't understand why it's a problem what you do on the 'free nights' when you're not seeing him, surely it's healthy to have your own social life?

You'll possibly never know what the 'real' issues are but he sounds jealous and controlling.

So to answer your actual question, I don't think you are doing anything wrong / anything to attract these types of men, as a PP said, there are a LOT of them around - I've met a fair few in my time also.

Just keep 'doing you' with your good strong boundaries and red flag radar, and maybe one day you'll come across a man whose lifestyle and personality is compatible with yours.

I think you should trust yourself op. You might be hyper sensitive, but that's not a bad thing. One of the examples on its own, ok fair enough, but ALL if them? I'd be questioning if the relationship is right for you.

My now dh has never given me any cause for concern, never had me second guessing myself. Other relationships before him and after my ex proved my gut was right and my boundaries needed work.

Negging, sudden outbursts, issues with money, doesn't like you drinking with friends, you suggest a nine alcoholic day out and he then goes to the pub. Sounds like he's testing your boundaries one at a time

@KosherDill

Because he's a controlling prick. Good job for being rid of him!!

Yop. Good move.

I half expected this to be a reverse.
The story could so easily be spun as "my boyfriend prefers drinking with his buddies to spending Friday night with me -- every sodding weekend." MNers would say he was DBU.

OP is glad how things worked out, which is good thing.

A lot of guys don’t like their woman going to a pub. They say they’re cool and have fun but they’re secretly insecure and it damages their ego that they’re not front and centre. My husband is like this. He wants to be able to go for a beer with a friend but he doesn’t like it if I do. He’s fine with daytime coffees but if alcohol is involved he gets twitchy and grumpy because he’s a man child who thinks like a caveman. Woman plus booze equals sex with whoever grunts at her. Sorry but it’s true and same with most men I know. Your BF was just better at hiding it. My guess is he probably hooked up with someone else at the stag night too and spent the weekend with his mates ribbing him about how he’s got no control over his woman and how there’s no way they’d let their woman out at pubs after dark on her own.

You’re well rid. Next. Chalk it up to experience and now you know what to look out for. Take comfort in the fact that your boundaries are strong. Never give up mates for a bloke. Their life fits in or they get gone.

The story could so easily be spun as "my boyfriend prefers drinking with his buddies to spending Friday night with me -- every sodding weekend."

You need to read the thread again. Or even just the OP.

Wow, the more you post the worse he sounds; the L bomb within a few weeks, the negging, the back footing about alcohol free dates to the beach that end up being pub dates, the jibes about hobbies. Sounds like these are techniques that have been successful for him in the past - putting him in control. I think he realised his tactics wouldn't work on you so threw in the towel. You dodged a bullet.