Why would a man care what I do with evenings I don’t spend with him?

[Breakingmad]

I met a man back in June. He asked me about and we got on great, and became official a few weeks later. I thought we were really similar in what we wanted - he seemed ambitious career wise and enjoyed being out socialising.

I have a busy job which maybe 2 nights a week involves evening meetings till 9 or so after which a few of us will go to the pub for a couple of drinks. I also tend to see friends either on a Friday or Saturday night, and not infrequently both.

I always made sure I fit in evenings with my BF, would see if he wanted to do something at weekends etc. but had absolutely no intention of giving up my friends or social life. 13 years ago I left an abusive relationship where I wasn’t allowed to have friends or socialise and I am hyper aware or not letting that happen again. This man is my first ‘official’ relationship since then.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of months and we’d had an argument, completely unrelated to socialising. He told me he wasn’t interested in mid week and I needed to find hobbies that didn’t consist of sitting in bars till closing time (I have several, which he well knew). I said he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to and went home.

I thought it over for a couple of days and was just about to message him wishing him well, and saying the relationship wasn’t for me, when I received one from him apologising, saying he’d been out of order and wrong, and I accepted the apology.

Last week, out of the blue, he finished with me. Said his criticisms hadn’t been taken on board, but had instead been used against him.

Now I don’t really care that it’s over, feel more relieved than anything. But I just don’t understand what his problem was. We don’t live together, I made time for him, so why does he care if I have a glass of wine in a pub after work, or have a glass of wine watching Emmerdale after work? It literally makes no difference to him.

I did think I saw a few red flags, nothing serious, but notable, during the relationship, but was convinced by friends that I was just hyper sensitive due to my previous abusive relationship.

I’m now worried that I was right, that he would’ve liked to control me more, and that I’ll always attract either men who I know can’t commit for various reasons (as I have over the past 13 years), or men who aren’t happy to let me do as I please (obviously I don’t mean cheating or whatever).

What is going on? Am I doing something to attract the wrong men?

@Pinkbonbon

And never tell new partners about abusive exs early on. Its a green light for them to see you as an easy target if they are similarly abusive.

My god you are right. I've always been really open about my abusive exh. And felt the consequences.

My god you are right. I've always been really open about my abusive exh. And felt the consequences.

Me too. I feel that this advice is the best thing to come from this thread.

You're not compatible, and he was pretending you were.

I would never date a man who didn't spend a few evenings in their own at home during three week. I honestly couldn't be with someone who wasn't happy on their own. Because once you live together it becomes too hard. They either want too much from me, and mither me when we're both at home, or they're always out with friends and think that's ok because "we weren't actually DOING anything at home".

So someone like you would not be right for me.

BUT, I can see that you said that you would never have moved in together - I think he thought they were empty words. He wasn't more and you didn't. He wasn't happy with that but had to lay the blame on you because it sounds as though you made things crystal clear to him.

So someone like you would not be right for me.

A cross I will have to bear.

It sounds like a compatibility issue. It may seem controlling but tbh I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who spend 4 nights a week in the pub until late and most of the rest of the time at their job.

Maybe you need to try for a man with a more independent and less “serious” relationship need. From your comfortability with starting a relationship while having a FWB it seems you may be far more independent than what a lot of men might be looking for.

Maybe try OLD and specify the kind of independent un-exclusive lifestyle you want to live?

Really odd views on this thread! It sounds like you always made time for him but also wanted to carry on seeing friends etc, sounds great to be honest. I am sure if things were going really well and you wanted to see more of eachother the balance would have naturally shifted a bit if you wanted it to. I wonder if actually perhaps you were too similar regarding having plans. If he's quite a busy person as well, maybe it would suit him more to have someone who does just sit at home as he can then lead when they see eachother rather than both people having to work around eachother (if that makes sense). When I was younger I was very much out and about most of the time, and had a partner I really liked but he was also on the go all of the time. We saw eachother fairly often but rightly so neither of us wanted to fully overhaul our social lives and be at the beck and call of the other, so it ended.

A cross I will have to bear.

Seriously? It wasn't a criticism of you, but of him. You're not compatible because you're different personality types. You didn't hide what you are, he pretended that he was ok with that, until he couldn't pretend anymore.

No need to be snarky to me about it..

@Breakingmad

Thanks everyone.

The thing that confused me is that he'd send messages saying 'have fun', 'enjoy your night' etc. which my ex never ever would have done, if I'd dared ever defy him and go out, so it wasn't controlling as I knew it.

It starts small and reels you in.

A decent guy is happy for you to be you.

I think OP has handled this thread with aplomb. Hats off.

Haven't read the full thread. It does seem like maybe your social life was a bit much for him so maybe you're just incompatible on that level? To be perfectly honest, if I were to start a new relationship I would consider if being with someone who spent a lot of time out drinking on weekends with friends, sometimes both nights of the weekend would be for me. I'm not sure that's sustainable in a serious relationship going forward.

@pumkinbump Maybe you should read the whole thread.

@ClaryFairchild

You're not compatible, and he was pretending you were.

I would never date a man who didn't spend a few evenings in their own at home during three week. I honestly couldn't be with someone who wasn't happy on their own. Because once you live together it becomes too hard. They either want too much from me, and mither me when we're both at home, or they're always out with friends and think that's ok because "we weren't actually DOING anything at home".

So someone like you would not be right for me.

That’s so strange.

Before DH moved in with me he was always out, if he wasn’t at work he was at mates or down the pub or socialising. Socialising was vey pub centric. I think it’s a very British thing (assuming here OP is British).

Fast forward to now and he’s utterly uninterested in going out or socialising, doesn’t drink at all and prefers to stay home pottering about, doing domestic admin etc. And he seems very content with that.

I’d expect a person who has no family commitments to be out and about and enjoying life. Pre-covid my MIL was never home and we’d have to book weeks in advance if we wanted to see her.

Thanks, @frazzledasarock.

I think the assumption the PP makes that I can’t be happy on my own is utterly bizarre. Before my relationship I’d spent at least three nights a week on my own for the last 13 years.

For those who were asking me to let them know if I heard from ex again - I have. Currently in the process of receiving the 'I miss you, I'm sorry' messages.

Block him.

Oh there is absolutely no chance whatsoever of me responding. I've had about a dozen since midnight, all apologising, asking for me to reply etc. Bizarre behaviour.

Great that you’re not responding, but is there a reason you don’t want to block him?

No particular reason. I guess part curiosity, and part worry that if I block him he'll do something weird like turn up at the door instead.

Is he right about being at the bar till closing time, OP?

Yes. So what..?

It sounds like he has an idea of what he wants (a little wifey who will slot into his life and not make any demands in him), and he got you (has her own active social life, does stuff by herself, doesn’t fall over herself to make peace when you both argue). As a PP said, when he apologised, you were meant to say “no you are right, I drink FAR too much, I’ll be home at 5pm every night from now on”. But you didn’t say that, you said “yep, you were in the wrong”, so he dumped you.

There are women out there like that, he’ll be far happier now you’ve split and he can go and date one of them.

Thanks for this. There was a PP who mentioned hoovering whose post I can’t quite find but wish I could. Having Googled it, it makes sense. I will never ever again mistrust my gut.

@Breakingmad

Thanks for this. There was a PP who mentioned hoovering whose post I can’t quite find but wish I could. Having Googled it, it makes sense. I will never ever again mistrust my gut.

Hi OP. Thanks for updating!!

I wrote "I would bet money on him trying to hoover you back in at some future point OP!" and @Pinkbonbon wrote "I'd block him before he attempts to hoover you. Just incase this ditch is an attempt to get you to run after him grovelling and when it fails, he'll come back with some bs excuse for his behaviour."

@Pinkbonbon

And never tell new partners about abusive exs early on. Its a green light for them to see you as an easy target if they are similarly abusive.

Absolutely this.

Keep your business to yourself.

You are putting a target on your head telling your business to people you don't know.

He continues to do so.

He has sent several begging texts, usually spaced several weeks or even months apart. The last one I received was on Thursday. I haven’t replied to a single one, but still he persists. Very odd.