Why would a man care what I do with evenings I don’t spend with him?

[Breakingmad]

I met a man back in June. He asked me about and we got on great, and became official a few weeks later. I thought we were really similar in what we wanted - he seemed ambitious career wise and enjoyed being out socialising.

I have a busy job which maybe 2 nights a week involves evening meetings till 9 or so after which a few of us will go to the pub for a couple of drinks. I also tend to see friends either on a Friday or Saturday night, and not infrequently both.

I always made sure I fit in evenings with my BF, would see if he wanted to do something at weekends etc. but had absolutely no intention of giving up my friends or social life. 13 years ago I left an abusive relationship where I wasn’t allowed to have friends or socialise and I am hyper aware or not letting that happen again. This man is my first ‘official’ relationship since then.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of months and we’d had an argument, completely unrelated to socialising. He told me he wasn’t interested in mid week and I needed to find hobbies that didn’t consist of sitting in bars till closing time (I have several, which he well knew). I said he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to and went home.

I thought it over for a couple of days and was just about to message him wishing him well, and saying the relationship wasn’t for me, when I received one from him apologising, saying he’d been out of order and wrong, and I accepted the apology.

Last week, out of the blue, he finished with me. Said his criticisms hadn’t been taken on board, but had instead been used against him.

Now I don’t really care that it’s over, feel more relieved than anything. But I just don’t understand what his problem was. We don’t live together, I made time for him, so why does he care if I have a glass of wine in a pub after work, or have a glass of wine watching Emmerdale after work? It literally makes no difference to him.

I did think I saw a few red flags, nothing serious, but notable, during the relationship, but was convinced by friends that I was just hyper sensitive due to my previous abusive relationship.

I’m now worried that I was right, that he would’ve liked to control me more, and that I’ll always attract either men who I know can’t commit for various reasons (as I have over the past 13 years), or men who aren’t happy to let me do as I please (obviously I don’t mean cheating or whatever).

What is going on? Am I doing something to attract the wrong men?

If the tables were turned and a woman posted that her boyfriend was in the pub drinking most nights, some MNers would be telling her to leave him and that he's got a drink problem!

I typed what I remembered into Google and it came straight up.

FWB never wanted a monogamous relationship and I did. I’ve never asked him, but I do think that me ending things with him when I met ex was probably why that changed.

Women are raised and socialised to pander to men, to make excuses for their bad behaviour, minimise it and to be forgiving. We are taught boys will be boys and that they’re incapable of controlling their emotions. We’re taught that they are only controlling because they are trying to protect us, etc. That’s why people will say things like, “The poor guy can’t do anything right” and think that love bombing is just him trying to be romantic, etc. We are raised on romance movies and books that paint a picture of the broody, mysterious man/the hopeless romantic, taught that true love can come from struggle and hard times. It’s all bullshit.

If you read the thread, quite a few people did say that.

Fortunately OP was unfazed.

So you prefer people who just sit home on their own when not seeing you? Why?

This is what I could never understand. Why does it matter what a person’s doing when they’re not with you?

Loads and loads of men are going to be incompatible. So many different needs and values and opinions out there, you just have to keep going until you find someone who values you for all the things you are. Or someone who can communicate in an open and honest way if there is something that troubles them, not in riddles and passive aggressive ways like this man. If he has an opinion with the amount of drinking (as he is quite allowed to) then he should have just said sorry it’s not for me, nice to meet you and be on his way. We aren’t for everyone.

Yes maybe helped focus the mind.. either way it's very good of you to update all these years later!

I do think that how people spend their separate time is still relevant as it speaks to your values as a person. For instance, someone who does charity work versus gambles all day in a bookies on a Saturday. Obviously extreme examples but something about showing each other who you are and what you're about. I don't think it's relevant anymore to your situation but I definitely get the idea that PP were suggesting three years ago that being with someone who drinks socially with friends a few nights a week isn't for everyone.

And yet he was completely fine with it at the beginning and equally fine with it when I was with him.

But why? If it was at the expense of their relationship, then I could see it, but they weren't living together and she wasn't blowing him off in order to go to the pub, it was when they didn't have plans together. And he clearly wasn't bothered about it actually being an alcohol problem otherwise he wouldn't have kept suggesting pubs together.

I think it was about her having a social life and meeting other people. Perhaps didn't trust her not to pick up men.