Why would a man care what I do with evenings I don’t spend with him?

[Breakingmad]

I met a man back in June. He asked me about and we got on great, and became official a few weeks later. I thought we were really similar in what we wanted - he seemed ambitious career wise and enjoyed being out socialising.

I have a busy job which maybe 2 nights a week involves evening meetings till 9 or so after which a few of us will go to the pub for a couple of drinks. I also tend to see friends either on a Friday or Saturday night, and not infrequently both.

I always made sure I fit in evenings with my BF, would see if he wanted to do something at weekends etc. but had absolutely no intention of giving up my friends or social life. 13 years ago I left an abusive relationship where I wasn’t allowed to have friends or socialise and I am hyper aware or not letting that happen again. This man is my first ‘official’ relationship since then.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of months and we’d had an argument, completely unrelated to socialising. He told me he wasn’t interested in mid week and I needed to find hobbies that didn’t consist of sitting in bars till closing time (I have several, which he well knew). I said he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to and went home.

I thought it over for a couple of days and was just about to message him wishing him well, and saying the relationship wasn’t for me, when I received one from him apologising, saying he’d been out of order and wrong, and I accepted the apology.

Last week, out of the blue, he finished with me. Said his criticisms hadn’t been taken on board, but had instead been used against him.

Now I don’t really care that it’s over, feel more relieved than anything. But I just don’t understand what his problem was. We don’t live together, I made time for him, so why does he care if I have a glass of wine in a pub after work, or have a glass of wine watching Emmerdale after work? It literally makes no difference to him.

I did think I saw a few red flags, nothing serious, but notable, during the relationship, but was convinced by friends that I was just hyper sensitive due to my previous abusive relationship.

I’m now worried that I was right, that he would’ve liked to control me more, and that I’ll always attract either men who I know can’t commit for various reasons (as I have over the past 13 years), or men who aren’t happy to let me do as I please (obviously I don’t mean cheating or whatever).

What is going on? Am I doing something to attract the wrong men?

@lljkk

I half expected this to be a reverse. The story could so easily be spun as "my boyfriend prefers drinking with his buddies to spending Friday night with me -- every sodding weekend." MNers would say he was DBU.

OP is glad how things worked out, which is good thing.

That's really not accurate.

I've only read your posts in this thread, OP.
Sorry to rile you.
There's spin in these accounts no matter what, so of course your account is biased.
You've got 90% of people here saying how you're better off without him.
I didn't disagree with that.

It's more like "my boyfriend wants me to go straight home to sit alone apart from on nights I'm seeing him".

I agree with @nocnoc, i had an ex who loved my social personality at the start but then came passive aggressive comments which led to us splitting. If i didn't have plans with him of course I'm going to go out and enjoy a social life. Some men expect you to sit in and knit every evening and wait for their next invite while they have pints with the lads, long golfing evenings etc. They know what other men are like, if you are out socialising some men might look at you and flirt. They have an insecurity. Never change for a man, he either fits in to he doesn't. He might have felt long term you weren't compatible and was trying to change you. A relationship is give and take. If you had kids/were married you likely wouldn't be out so much but for now, you were only getting to know him and he's trying to change you. You'd be miserable and end up changing to keep the peace. There will be another nice man who will fit with you

@DogsWithJobs

Wow, the more you post the worse he sounds; the L bomb within a few weeks, the negging, the back footing about alcohol free dates to the beach that end up being pub dates, the jibes about hobbies. Sounds like these are techniques that have been successful for him in the past - putting him in control. I think he realised his tactics wouldn't work on you so threw in the towel. You dodged a bullet.

Excellent post! that's all of it in a nutshell.

Be thankful you're rid, OP!

Not sure if this applies to you but I've dated a few men who don't want to just slot into and enhance my life, but completely replace the life I had before I met them. Gradually they would moan if I wanted to see friends or work late instead, they would establish "routines" without me realising "oh but Saturday is OUR night" etc. As I'm quite laid back and go with the flow, I'd often move things around to avoid upsetting them or causing conflict.

I don't want that for myself now. Whether or not he was controlling he was, you sound a bit like me in that you want a relationship that "adds to" your existing life rather than replace it. He sounds like he wanted to latch on and change you, mould you into what his idea of what a relationship should be.

Honestly if you'd continued it would have been a constant source of conflict - you pushing back, or backing down and accommodating what he wants.

The only good thing about previous abusive relationships (especially bad ones) is that you see the signs earlier on with future relationships. Trust me when I say it isn't you!

It just sounds like you aren't compatible. I also wouldn't want to be with someone who drinks 3-4 times a week, regardless of whether or not we were seeing eachother. It seems too much as I'm not a big drinker (maybe up to 5 times a year?), so I would want someone who is similar to me. He clearly feels the same, it sounds like the issue wasn't you going out, but the amount you're drinking. And there's nothing wrong with that, he is allowed to have boundaries/expectations in a partner, and equally you're a grown woman who should be able to drink as much as you like and have your own boundaries and expectations. But hopefully this will give you the chance to find someone who is better suited to you.

Bollocks, if the problem was her drinking habits, why would he then change their non-drinking date to the pub?

My DP got funny about my drinking /socialising in the beginning. It was all to do with his ex who had cheated on him massively. Once he worked out I wasn't using my social life as a cover for meeting other men, he's was ok. In fact he's my biggest cheerleader now and loves the fact I'm very social.

@category12

Bollocks, if the problem was her drinking habits, why would he then change their non-drinking date to the pub?

@category12 maybe he was testing her, to see if she would go without the drink (although, if that's the case, very immature and manipulative) or maybe you're right. Either way, they clearly aren't well suited. It sounds like op is better off out of this relationship

I needed to find hobbies that didn’t consist of sitting in bars till closing time

Whether he is right or wrong, it seems to me that he got the impression that you have a drinking problem. Personally, I would not stay with a person who showed signs of being alcohol dependent. It would be choose the drink or me. I don’t think his intent was to be controlling. It’s not wrong when you think your girlfriend is drinking too much to say you need to sit in bars (drinking until closing) less often.

No point commenting on the "well clearly you drink too much" responses from people who either haven't bothered reading or who lack comprehension skills
but here have one on me OP

@Hont1986

Sounds like his issue was with the drinking, not the socialising. Three or four nights out a week is quite a bit of drinking, to be honest.

I agree with this. The post reads like it's not uncommon for OP to spend 4 nights out and drinking every week. That is more than 50% of nights. Not only does that indicate a rather unhealthy amount of drinking (assuming 1.5 glasses per night thar still makes for 6 drinks a week), but I have to wonder how much time is left for her partner. Surely some of the other 3 evenings are spent on shopping/cleaning/other admin stuff. Partner is probably left with one or two evenings spent together which really wouldn't be enough for many people.

Boggling how people can apparently read always made sure I fit in evenings with my BF, would see if he wanted to do something at weekends etc. as OP never having or making time to see him.

@Grimsknee

No point commenting on the "well clearly you drink too much" responses from people who either haven't bothered reading or who lack comprehension skills but here have one on me OP

Well I have bothered reading and OP states “I have a busy job which maybe 2 nights a week involves evening meetings till 9 or so after which a few of us will go to the pub for a couple of drinks. I also tend to see friends either on a Friday or Saturday night, and not infrequently both.”

Later, she mentioned her usual drink is a glass of wine. So the most conservative interpretation of this is that she is drinking a “couple” glasses of wine at least 3x a week but “not infrequently” 4x a week.

Per NHS alcohol guidelines:
It's recommended to drink no more than 14 units of alcohol a week, spread across 3 days or more. That's around 6 medium (175ml) glasses of wine, or 6 pints of 4% beer. From www.nhs.uk/better-health/drink-less/

So every week OP is drinking to the maximum limit or over as she has, by most conservative estimate, 6-8 glasses of wine per week.

Then when you consider that most alcohol dependent people are in denial, and “a couple drinks” usually means more than 2 drinks....

Then when you add in her boyfriend of several months is saying he thinks she has an alcohol problem...I mean he knows her better than we do so his viewpoint counts for something too.

But fact is, even if you only add up what the OP has admitted to drinking regularly and ignore the boyfriends opinion entirely, she is always drinking the weekly maximum and “not infrequently” more than the weekly maximum. This to me means there is evidence of an issue with alcohol.

Was he one of those people who have a weird form of commitment phobia about making advance plans and/or are very low-energy? I notice with a friend of mine that he hums and haws about ever making firm plans, even to do something he is really interested in, fundamentally at some level prefers the sofa to going out, and behaves as though the most minor event (I’m talking going to a parents’ evening) somehow looms large and involves days of mental preparation and recovery.

He got divorced (for not unrelated reasons) a few years ago and has a newish girlfriend, but I can already see him settling in to the same pattern — he’s attracted to sociable, busy women, but he quickly starts finding what is a ‘normal’ number of social engagements for them exhausting, and that’s what ends all his relationships, because the women get tired of his octogenarian couch potato ways.

Sounds like his issue was with the drinking, not the socialising. Three or four nights out a week is quite a bit of drinking, to be honest.

She said 2 night after meetings with work colleagues for a couple of drinks, and it sounds like one night at the weekend out with friends.

If the drinking is relatively light (which I imagine it definitely would be on the mid week post meeting things, and op diesbtvexavtly sound like the binge drinking type at the weekend either; it's not a lot of drinking.

There are some weird people on MN.

Sometimes I feels like theyre just contrary in every thread for the sake of it.

Op, he sounds controlling.

You have hobbies. You going to the pub for a couple of drinks with work colleagues is not a hobby, s it's something lots of people do, esp younger people, so where does "findjng s hobby that doesn't involve the pub etc" apply? It's post work drinks, quite common.

Your socialising the rest of the time doesn't seem excessive

Tbh I'm glad he finished it because he sounds controlling and I think you'd have been in for more of this shit.

I think Op you should have listened to your feelings more and thats the only mistake you made. Don't beat yourself up about not doing so or listening to your friends. We live in a patriarchal society geared towards women pleasing men and making themselves smaller to make men feel bigger. It's a condition that most of us are and unaware of. Maybe if you did want to change something going forward It's to have more trust in your instincts.

You are allowed to be happy and free and sociable and I'm quite surprised at some of the responses on this thread.

And I mean, even if he’s not going to their social occasions — even hearing that someone went for a run on Monday, went out for a post-work drink Tuesday, went to a film and dinner with friends Thursday, was seeing him on Friday, doing park run Sat am and was meeting friends for brunch on Sunday would exhaust him as an idea.

I needed to find hobbies that didn’t consist of sitting in bars till closing time

Is he right about being at the bar till closing time, OP?

@DogsWithJobs

Wow, the more you post the worse he sounds; the L bomb within a few weeks, the negging, the back footing about alcohol free dates to the beach that end up being pub dates, the jibes about hobbies. Sounds like these are techniques that have been successful for him in the past - putting him in control. I think he realised his tactics wouldn't work on you so threw in the towel. You dodged a bullet.

Yep.

And op, you don't do anything to sttract them.

They're everywhere, and more likely to be single because they fk up their relationships with their behaviour.

OP, there are lots of these types about, don't worry about what you may or may not have done. If someone feels 'off' to you, that's enough. And this guy probably felt fed up that you continued your life as you wanted to (which he initially found attractive probably - that's pretty normal for these types of men - ie they slowly find things that were great about you are no longer great but that's because of them, not you...). It is difficult dating when you have had an past abusive relationship. But your gut was telling you something, perhaps you just saw it slightly differently at the time and now you are out of it, you can reflect. He may or may not have wanted to control you to a certain extent. But the important thing is that for you something felt wrong and that's all you need to know. The right relationship won't feel 'odd', even when you argue, you will feel safe.

Gosh, I'd love to have your busy lifestyle again, working, socialising and living your best life!

RE the red flags, you DID see them, and you filed them and you questioned them. It takes a while to see the pattern develop so don't give yourself a hard time. Most of us here know it's death by a thousand cuts so trust yourself that you were in the process of pulling all the incidences together.....and getting out.

Keep living your best life, you deserve it.

remember this is mumsnet - and people love taking an OP down a peg or 2 - and have you pegged as an alcoholic who can't manage a busy social life...
If it looks, sounds and acts like a duck - then you know what - it is a duck!
I think he sounds like a controlling man who was insecure that you have a social life when he isn't with you. You spotted it - brilliant!
Next time you'll spot it again...
Don't get complacent - most controlling men try to hide it but if that's who they are then it will come out eventually and unfortunately there's loads of them around...