Sorry, long.
Gah. I met a nice guy not my usual type but we had real chemistry and interest and he was lovely. We dated for a few months but I have fucked it by being messed up now its over.
He's in a position of power/ responsibility over young adults. Some young women (very early 20s) sent him a photo for which my initial reaction was that it was inappropriate for him to be receiving given his position. He sent it to me with a joke about how it wasn't very appropriate in terms of their relationship.
It was not provocative, in itself, but I would just have never expected to send such a picture in their position or someone in his to be so blase about receiving it. For instance, I would not have sent it to my male boss.
Looking at the photo calmly, knowing the context, it is on the side of acceptable but i would say still not great for a man to be getting on his phone from young women he has authority over. Anyway, I just found it strange that he was receiving this sort of thing from the people he works with and this confusion triggered me, tbh.
I have experienced a lot of sexual assault and rapes over the years, and have a lot of issues with boundaries. I had a predatory teacher as a teenager living away from family. He didn't assault me but caused me a lot of problems when I didn't react to his advances.
Anyway, I mulled over this photo for a couple of days, ended up getting more upset, and eventually overreacted big time, ending the relationship by text and saying in short that I didn't think it was ok, him receiving that sort of photo from young people at work. It wasn't a personal attack, or a rant but it was short and quite strongly worded (not abusive, sweary or anything).
He went straight on the defensive and was very upset and angry, saying I was overreacting and saying he had nothing to explain. He provided more context meaning it wasn't so bad, but he hadn't told me this at the time.
There was a short back and forth, none of it very constructive or seeing the other's POV. I think he must have been shocked i ended it abruptly as we got on so well. I tried to call before bed to put things straight.
I slept on this, realised quickly that I had approached it all wrong and messaged to apologise. He said how upset he was at having his professionalism brought into question and how he didn't want us to continue. He again said i had overreacted massively.
I only did so because I genuinely felt at the time that the photo, with the lack of any context, and his comment, breached boundaries and that really upset me and I didn't know how to handle it. It was also only a couple of days after we had sex for the first time and he showed me this picture that was a bit questionable. I felt really vulnerable and as though I didn't know what type of person he was. I didn't know really why he was showing me it.
He has now shown the photo to his manager, who knows the context, and they okayed it, so it wasn't anything terrible.
I've had some therapy previously but my circumstances have changed and I can't really afford more. Rape crisis have put me to the end of their list as I have moved. How do I stop myself ruining any more relationships and upsetting someone else? I honestly have so much love to give but have so many problems with boundaries. I either feel I have to enforce one and go too far, like this, or I don't at all and find myself in situations like being sexually assaulted again by dates because I haven't reacted to red flags, or less serious but not very nice behaviour.
I feel like this time, I avoided talking about it more neutrally because I didnt think that I had any right enforcing a boundary but got more upset about it as time went on, and sent a message when feeling really emotional.
I am such an idiot and now a horrible person as well. I feel dreadful for upsetting this guy.
Any ideas what I can do to sort myself out? would anyone suggest apologising again or explaining my issues- not to try and get him back as I realise that has gone, but for the upset?