Just fucked up a really nice new relationship by overreacting

[Sattherelikealemon]

Sorry, long.

Gah. I met a nice guy not my usual type but we had real chemistry and interest and he was lovely. We dated for a few months but I have fucked it by being messed up now its over.

He's in a position of power/ responsibility over young adults. Some young women (very early 20s) sent him a photo for which my initial reaction was that it was inappropriate for him to be receiving given his position. He sent it to me with a joke about how it wasn't very appropriate in terms of their relationship.

It was not provocative, in itself, but I would just have never expected to send such a picture in their position or someone in his to be so blase about receiving it. For instance, I would not have sent it to my male boss.

Looking at the photo calmly, knowing the context, it is on the side of acceptable but i would say still not great for a man to be getting on his phone from young women he has authority over. Anyway, I just found it strange that he was receiving this sort of thing from the people he works with and this confusion triggered me, tbh.

I have experienced a lot of sexual assault and rapes over the years, and have a lot of issues with boundaries. I had a predatory teacher as a teenager living away from family. He didn't assault me but caused me a lot of problems when I didn't react to his advances.

Anyway, I mulled over this photo for a couple of days, ended up getting more upset, and eventually overreacted big time, ending the relationship by text and saying in short that I didn't think it was ok, him receiving that sort of photo from young people at work. It wasn't a personal attack, or a rant but it was short and quite strongly worded (not abusive, sweary or anything).

He went straight on the defensive and was very upset and angry, saying I was overreacting and saying he had nothing to explain. He provided more context meaning it wasn't so bad, but he hadn't told me this at the time.

There was a short back and forth, none of it very constructive or seeing the other's POV. I think he must have been shocked i ended it abruptly as we got on so well. I tried to call before bed to put things straight.

I slept on this, realised quickly that I had approached it all wrong and messaged to apologise. He said how upset he was at having his professionalism brought into question and how he didn't want us to continue. He again said i had overreacted massively.

I only did so because I genuinely felt at the time that the photo, with the lack of any context, and his comment, breached boundaries and that really upset me and I didn't know how to handle it. It was also only a couple of days after we had sex for the first time and he showed me this picture that was a bit questionable. I felt really vulnerable and as though I didn't know what type of person he was. I didn't know really why he was showing me it.

He has now shown the photo to his manager, who knows the context, and they okayed it, so it wasn't anything terrible.

I've had some therapy previously but my circumstances have changed and I can't really afford more. Rape crisis have put me to the end of their list as I have moved. How do I stop myself ruining any more relationships and upsetting someone else? I honestly have so much love to give but have so many problems with boundaries. I either feel I have to enforce one and go too far, like this, or I don't at all and find myself in situations like being sexually assaulted again by dates because I haven't reacted to red flags, or less serious but not very nice behaviour.

I feel like this time, I avoided talking about it more neutrally because I didnt think that I had any right enforcing a boundary but got more upset about it as time went on, and sent a message when feeling really emotional.

I am such an idiot and now a horrible person as well. I feel dreadful for upsetting this guy.

Any ideas what I can do to sort myself out? would anyone suggest apologising again or explaining my issues- not to try and get him back as I realise that has gone, but for the upset?

I don't think you over-reacted. I can't understand why he was sent the photograph, why he didn't respond to the sender saying it was inappropriate, inform his manager and then delete the photograph. None of these steps include sending it to girlfriends or other people. I don't have your issues but I would have thought it was a red flag too. You are not an idiot or a horrible person. You might feel dreadful for upsetting this guy but I am betting he doesn't feel dreadful about upsetting you.

Ok so supposing it WAS completely innocent and fine and came with official seal of approval from his boss (seems unlikely but bear with me), and you DID overreact thinking it was inappropriate/unprofessional/put the young woman in a vulnerable position, your boyfriend should have been pleased that you cared enough to question it, not instantly defensive. I presume his work involves safeguarding, and that’s what you were doing by raising a concern. In safeguarding if you have a hunch something isn’t right, you’re encouraged to speak to someone about it - not hope it’s nothing and stay quiet.

The fact that he had to provide you with more information and reassurance in order for you to not be worried suggests that there was something Off about the picture and you were right to question it.

I’m trying to play devil’s advocate here and assume you’re totally overreacting but even with this assumption it still doesn’t make him seem great…

Alternatively (what’s the opposite of devil’s advocate? Angel’s advocate?) you didn’t overreact. He’s a weirdo, inappropriately sharing inappropriate photos that he is sent (/encouraging girls to send), and you were absolutely right to call him out on it and no wonder he was defensive: he’s clearly in the wrong.

Ultimately whichever way I look at this there’s something not right. Dump his ass. Move on.

eeek88 thanks but I suppose if I'd made it about th photos maybe he would but I didn't, I made it about him and our relationship

Can you elaborate more on how you made it about your relationship instead of the photo?

Because those two things aren't mutually exclusive and either way you objectively did the right thing by calling out the behaviour.

It's totally a positive thing that you aren't in a relationship with this man any more, I promise.

At the very least it’s unprofessional of him to be sharing a photo sent in what could be construed as dubious circumstances by someone over whom he has power/responsibility.

For example, if a Sixth form teacher was sharing a photo which an 18yr old 6th Form pupil had somehow sent them, and making a joke about inappropriateness, I’d be questioning the teacher’s integrity.

Call his bluff and tell him you informed his manager about the photo being sent to you.

a) it’s unprofessional to share photos without client permission
B) he’s probably breached the terms and conditions of employment
c) he has risked triggering the recipient ie you by sending it to you
d) you deserve better than someone who’s instinct is to send you this sort of imagery ‘just for the bangs’
Run and run fast xx

bants

OP I wouldn’t explain your history to him or try and engage further. It is so incredibly personal - imagine how you would feel if your shared it and he didn’t reply/care? You couldn’t untell him and I think you’d regret it.

I agree sending the photo to you was really wrong and I would have reacted similarly. Let this one go.

Not only did you do exactly the right thing by dumping him, I think you should report him.

There is something very, very off with him sharing this photo with you. I think he was fishing for a reaction, and he knows exactly how inappropriate the photo is. Fucking creep.

He's in a position of power/ responsibility over young adults. Some young women (very early 20s) sent him a photo for which my initial reaction was that it was inappropriate
He sent it to me with a joke

This is highly inappropriate. He's abusing his position. You haven't messed anything up, he has. You were right.

Am giving him the benefit of doubt that he was sent the pics by young people who these days are always sending pics. However am sure they did not consent to him sharing these pics so he was wrong to send them to you whatever his reasons. I also don't believe he showed his boss who then ok'd the pics. And even if that's true, if his reaction was defensive and after your apology (which he didn't really deserve) he is still off you then I say you are well rid. He is upset that you are ready to challenge his dodgy behaviour. He thought you would be a walk over. Don't send him any more messages. Move on. There are lots of good men out there and hopefully you will meet yours. I hope you get the counseling you need not because of this but for your own healing from past traumas

You are being extremely hard on yourself. Have a pause. You reacted in a way that was informed by knowing what dodgy behavior from authority figures looks like. You’re reactions aren’t wrong, they might be strong and sometimes we can all overreact, but in this case are you sure you did? Your instincts are protective.

He hasn’t shown a great amount of understanding towards you in hashing out the issue. I think he feels called out, and rather than addressing the fact he might actually be in the wrong, he’s pulled the shutters down on you.

Of course you’re upset, because you liked him a lot. But the blame you’re placing on yourself here is unwarranted.

@HunkyPunk

At the very least it’s unprofessional of him to be sharing a photo sent in what could be construed as dubious circumstances by someone over whom he has power/responsibility.

For example, if a Sixth form teacher was sharing a photo which an 18yr old 6th Form pupil had somehow sent them, and making a joke about inappropriateness, I’d be questioning the teacher’s integrity.

But this does not concern 16-18 yos. These women are all over 20. We have no idea what his position is to theirs.

Say he was an office manager and a group of his staff, all under 24, had gone on a fun run and they were all dressed up in a cheeky way. They sent him the pictures for the office magazine. Without an explanation that's young women, dressed in a racy way, sending a picture to their line manager. That could be perceived as wrong. With an explanation it's a picture taken for public consumption.

Or maybe the same group of young women were out on a night out, dressed up, and sent him a picture. What would be wrong with them sending that or him forwarding it?

I just guessing in the dark because we have absolutely no detail from the op other than she misjudged the situation. But it could be anything.

eeek88

"Ok so supposing it WAS completely innocent and fine and came with official seal of approval from his boss (seems unlikely but bear with me), and you DID overreact thinking it was inappropriate/unprofessional/put the young woman in a vulnerable position, your boyfriend should have been pleased that you cared enough to question it, not instantly defensive"

This 100%. Appropriate boundaries and safeguarding are for everyone's benefit. He was defensive, that's never a good sign to me.

Agree with many others, and KittyWindbag "Of course you’re upset, because you liked him a lot. But the blame you’re placing on yourself here is unwarranted."

You shouldn't jump to the conclusion that any possibly-inappropriate behaviour by a teenage girl means she's being groomed or abused. Having crushes on older male authority figures is perfectly normal and developmentally appropriate. So is flirting with those authority figures. So is complete cluelessness about what type of behaviour might be perceived as "flirting" or "sexual," to the point where they're basically coming on to someone without intending to. All of this is new to them, and they're stumbling around trying to figure it out.

It's on the authority figure to shut that down, of course. But if something is close to the line, it puts him in a bad spot because then he can be accused of sexualizing something innocent. If someone disagrees with you about where the line is, that doesn't mean they're a predator or a pervert or a rapist. So just try to avoid always leaping to the worst case scenario.

I had a handsome young male teacher when I was 14. All the girls were in love with him. I shudder to think what sort of communications he'd have gotten if social media had existed back then. But so far as I'm aware, he never put a foot wrong. Judging him because some enamoured teenager sent him a picture that was borderline-inappropriate for a teacher to receive from a student would have been completely unfair.

@KintsugiForever

I agree....he shared it to get a reaction. And probably as a bit of a test.

This

your boyfriend should have been pleased that you cared enough to question it, not instantly defensive

If my husband questioned my professional judgment about what was acceptable in my job (that he doesn't do and knows little about), with the clear implication that not seeing it his way made me a sexual predator, "pleased" is the last thing I'd be about it. If yelling "WTF is wrong with you?" is being defensive, then I'd be super defensive. But I still wouldn't be a sexual predator.

We know OP thought he might be a sexual predator, because OP's said that's what she was thinking. So for his defensiveness to be misplaced or suspicious, he'd have to have not picked up on the fact that OP was basically accusing him of that. Just from OP's own description of events, I think it's unlikely that he failed to notice.

He was defensive, that's never a good sign to me.

If you worked in an office and £50 went missing from someone's bag and everyone turned and looked at you with accusing eyes, would you be defensive and protest your innocence? Would that be a bad sign and indicative of your guilt?

Oh, God, I missed the fact that she was early 20s, not a teen. Now I don't even know what OP was accusing him of, since no matter how inappropriate the pic, the woman is perfectly competently to decide for herself whether she wants to flirt with her boss. So basically there's a perfectly mundane difference of opinion between a boyfriend and girlfriend about whether another woman is flirting with the boyfriend or just being friendly. And then suddenly we're talking about rape and sexual abuse and it's all his fault because ... why?

I feel dreadful for upsetting this guy.

Oh, no, don't do that to yourself. You're upset, and he has put up a posture of being offended, but you are the one who is genuinely upset and he is if anything miffed he was pulled up on this photo he shared with you (for whatever dubious motives). I think he would have demoralised you to the point of no return if you'd not taken a stand over this and had remained involved with him. Please don't make it about you being damaged, it isn't. Well done on speaking up. It's quite cunning how he's managed to shift the blame over onto you - don't take it.

Ding ding ding. Don’t worry you’ve probably saved yourself some ongoing heartache and gaslighting in the long run. Sorry about your background of sexual assault and I hope you can get help going forward but I think you can trust your gut with this one.

He's a creep, your judgement is sound, well done, move on

Something very off, here. It feels just a strange thing to do. I don't think you did overreact, somehow.

Hard to react without knowing more about the photo. I would say he can hardly help it if a young woman sends him a photo so why shouldn’t he show you? I don’t think it’s indicative of anything as far as being a test.

Also he’s not a teacher, the woman who sent the photo isn’t a child and he doesn’t really have that much “authority” over her. It might be inappropriate as he’s in a relationship but he’s not responsible for younger women cracking on to him is he?
I’m not one for excusing and putting the responsibility for young women onto men when those young women are completely aware of what they’re doing and why.