Just fucked up a really nice new relationship by overreacting

[Sattherelikealemon]

Sorry, long.

Gah. I met a nice guy not my usual type but we had real chemistry and interest and he was lovely. We dated for a few months but I have fucked it by being messed up now its over.

He's in a position of power/ responsibility over young adults. Some young women (very early 20s) sent him a photo for which my initial reaction was that it was inappropriate for him to be receiving given his position. He sent it to me with a joke about how it wasn't very appropriate in terms of their relationship.

It was not provocative, in itself, but I would just have never expected to send such a picture in their position or someone in his to be so blase about receiving it. For instance, I would not have sent it to my male boss.

Looking at the photo calmly, knowing the context, it is on the side of acceptable but i would say still not great for a man to be getting on his phone from young women he has authority over. Anyway, I just found it strange that he was receiving this sort of thing from the people he works with and this confusion triggered me, tbh.

I have experienced a lot of sexual assault and rapes over the years, and have a lot of issues with boundaries. I had a predatory teacher as a teenager living away from family. He didn't assault me but caused me a lot of problems when I didn't react to his advances.

Anyway, I mulled over this photo for a couple of days, ended up getting more upset, and eventually overreacted big time, ending the relationship by text and saying in short that I didn't think it was ok, him receiving that sort of photo from young people at work. It wasn't a personal attack, or a rant but it was short and quite strongly worded (not abusive, sweary or anything).

He went straight on the defensive and was very upset and angry, saying I was overreacting and saying he had nothing to explain. He provided more context meaning it wasn't so bad, but he hadn't told me this at the time.

There was a short back and forth, none of it very constructive or seeing the other's POV. I think he must have been shocked i ended it abruptly as we got on so well. I tried to call before bed to put things straight.

I slept on this, realised quickly that I had approached it all wrong and messaged to apologise. He said how upset he was at having his professionalism brought into question and how he didn't want us to continue. He again said i had overreacted massively.

I only did so because I genuinely felt at the time that the photo, with the lack of any context, and his comment, breached boundaries and that really upset me and I didn't know how to handle it. It was also only a couple of days after we had sex for the first time and he showed me this picture that was a bit questionable. I felt really vulnerable and as though I didn't know what type of person he was. I didn't know really why he was showing me it.

He has now shown the photo to his manager, who knows the context, and they okayed it, so it wasn't anything terrible.

I've had some therapy previously but my circumstances have changed and I can't really afford more. Rape crisis have put me to the end of their list as I have moved. How do I stop myself ruining any more relationships and upsetting someone else? I honestly have so much love to give but have so many problems with boundaries. I either feel I have to enforce one and go too far, like this, or I don't at all and find myself in situations like being sexually assaulted again by dates because I haven't reacted to red flags, or less serious but not very nice behaviour.

I feel like this time, I avoided talking about it more neutrally because I didnt think that I had any right enforcing a boundary but got more upset about it as time went on, and sent a message when feeling really emotional.

I am such an idiot and now a horrible person as well. I feel dreadful for upsetting this guy.

Any ideas what I can do to sort myself out? would anyone suggest apologising again or explaining my issues- not to try and get him back as I realise that has gone, but for the upset?

Cross-posted - even if they aren't children, the same goes.

Your instincts are good. This incident stinks. Be kinder to yourself. You have a better grasp of boundaries than you might think!

OP - was your reaction to this all because you assumed that he somehow encouraged that student to send pictures?
You keep saying it was inappropriate for him to receive it - and you seemed to want for him to somehow apologise?
Why didn’t you just think like most people that it’s a usual case of a young student having a bit of a crush on a teacher, as happens often.

He showed it to you, and you said he appeared to consider it a bit inappropriate. You sarcastically agreed. And then proceeded to blow it out of proportion. You immediately assumed he was some sort of a predator.

I am not sure you are ready to date, not until you are a bit less on guard. Because inevitably, with anyone you meet - there would be something you would overreact to and it will all end up at the same place again

@katieg03

He showed it to his management and they okayed it? Really ..... He told you that? I think this had red flag all over it. You've done the right thing

Exactly my thought too.

Op, I think you have really good instincts here and that you did the right thing. Please don't doubt yourself. You need to give yourself a round of applause, a pat on the back and move on.

Red flags he a) did not tell the person to not a good idea to send him photos and b) he sent it to you! Stop second guessing yourself. His moral compass is not aligned with your's hence your sub consquence pointing it out.

If you were that special to him he'd u deratdns and have worked oast it... but hes dumped you... and yes id have seen my arse if ny boyfriend received pics from young girls

Josuk well, not a predator but he was engaging in this conversation/ photo sending willingly and finding it fun which seemed a bit odd. He joked about it being improper, rather than saying seriously that he had received an inappropriate picture.

Hard to explain without full context but it felt like crossing a line somewhere in the space between never having a laugh or any social interaction with those he works with, and behaving inappropriately.

I do stand by the photo not looking good and I'm not sure why he sent it to me. Knowing now that there was a bit of context, I should have asked, not ended things but yes, I think you're right about being less on guard.

So to get this straight
He shows her, which is bad because he was trying to get a reaction.
If he didn't show her, it would be bad as he is keeping a secret.

How could this man win?
He showed her because he trusted that she would trust him, a lot of you are very delusional people here.

He went straight on the defensive and was very upset and angry, saying I was overreacting and saying he had nothing to explain. He provided more context meaning it wasn't so bad, but he hadn't told me this at the time.

This is like when someone asks 'AIBU' and everyone says 'yes, YABVU' and they launch onto the defensive and give a massive dripfeed, most of which is bollocks, because they know they're in the wrong and don't want to accept it.

Really, he should have been able to explain calmly why it was okay for him to receive that picture, if that was the case. But even if him receiving it was unproblematic, him sharing it with you is, for many reasons. He's the one in the wrong here OP, not you.

I think your instincts regarding him were right but you're not used to trusting your judgement. So if something like this happens again, ask yourself how you can handle it in a way that leaves you less anxious. Maybe leaving the situation for 24 hours, considering it calmly, and then ending it with him. Take those instinctive feelings that this is wrong, sit with them, listen to them. Allow that they're probably right, even if the outcome is not one you wanted. So your instincts were right - and he is a wanker with no boundaries rather than a decent man.

It's sad the relationship isn't what you initially thought and hoped, but good that you spotted it and dealt with it. Acknowledge that, and then see if you can work through why this has upset you. It's an emotional situation that would upset anyone, but that doesn't mean you were wrong in what you did.

Oh and please, let's not pretend anybody here hasn't shown their bloody partner something that is private and confidential from work, too many of you posture under pretence here to feel superior, it's pathetic.

Agreee with pp. Your instincts were spot on. You haven't fucked anything up. He was testing your boundaries- you failed his test, but that's good. The next test would have been something worse.

He won't want to be with a woman who has decent boundaries. This is a lucky escape. As they say on here, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Arthurbloom I've never shown a previous partner anything private or confidential from work.

@ArthurBloom

Oh and please, let's not pretend anybody here hasn't shown their bloody partner something that is private and confidential from work, too many of you posture under pretence here to feel superior, it's pathetic.

Um no, I've never shown a partner anything confidential from work. Let alone forwarded anything.

The vast majority of us think your instincts are spot on. There is no reason he should have that photo. Why the heck make s joke out of it? It should have been dealt with sensibly at his end. The only reason I can think that he involved you was to give the impression that younger women fancy him and he is ' hot stuff. Nah...dont waste any more time on him.

You didn’t fuck it up, he did. No girl should be sending him photos, I can’t see any situation where that would be appropriate, particularly if he is in a position of power over them.

You dodged a bullet.

You can't expect random people on a forum to decide if this photo was a red flag or not.

They do not know him, or you, or his profession, anything about the photo or context, or anything about your history.

To see people piling in and calling 'red flag' when they have very few facts says a lot about them and their life experiences than an accurate perception of this man.

Your reaction says the same thing, we carry our past with us.

I think your strong belief you overreacted may be accurate. And you need to examine if you are ready to be vulnerable in a relationship, perhaps this man is too blasé about his position of authority for you to ever be comfortable with him.

You really need to explore this yourself or with people who know you and him in real life. Randomers on the internet are not able to give you considered advice (and some posters who have been hurt themselves do jump in with the 'man hate' quite readily as a knee jerk reaction to any relationship problem)

I'm with coffeetree..
Wouldnt dream of sharing confidential info from work with my partner let alone a brand new one. Why the heck would I do that? At this point in the relationship it should be about where are we going to have fun..

@ArthurBloom

Oh and please, let's not pretend anybody here hasn't shown their bloody partner something that is private and confidential from work, too many of you posture under pretence here to feel superior, it's pathetic.

You think it's OK for someone in a position of trust to forward a photo sent to them, to another person and make a joke about it? Do you not see how this is not OK? Besides the obvious issues with this, the photo sent in trust to an individual is now with the recipient, who if they choose to, can forward on, post on social media etc.

It isn't you. It's him. You didn't fuck up. He did.
He doesn't reach the standard required to be your partner (or most of us!). Move on, don't look back.

@ArthurBloom

So to get this straight He shows her, which is bad because he was trying to get a reaction. If he didn't show her, it would be bad as he is keeping a secret.

How could this man win?
He showed her because he trusted that she would trust him, a lot of you are very delusional people here.

I'm inclined to agree with you.

MN is a slightly skewed place sometimes - anything a man does is a 'red flag'.

OP, I'm not sure MN is the best place to ask for advice on this sort of matter. You say that it's hard for you to judge what's right and what isn't in relationships - but a lot of the responses here will be from women who have the same problem, or who have had the same problem, or who are projecting their own experiences onto your story (as is bound to happen).

The reason behind this man showing you the photos doesn't much matter (maybe he didn't even know why? What's for certain is that nobody on MN knows). What matters is how you feel about your own reaction (which may or may not have been the right reaction - again, nobody knows). You clearly feel that there are things you still need to work through. Based on what you have said here, communication would seem to be the main issue; I'm not sure how you'd go about fixing that, but other people might be able to make constructive suggestions.

I also wonder how many people have honestly never told their partner 'confidential' things about work. I certainly have.

I don't think you messed up at all. Don't confuse hormones with rational thought. I don't have your historry but it would set off alarm bells with me too.

@cafenoirbiscuit

a) it’s unprofessional to share photos without client permission B) he’s probably breached the terms and conditions of employment c) he has risked triggering the recipient ie you by sending it to you d) you deserve better than someone who’s instinct is to send you this sort of imagery ‘just for the bangs’ Run and run fast xx

It's illegal to share photos without the client's permission. He should be fired for gross misconduct. You dodged a bullet. Well done for trusting your instinct

I’ve only just read your initial post OP and wanted to respond to that initially. I will go back and rtft, you aren’t a horrible person by any stretch of the imagination.

The solution is to build solid communication alongside intimacy in your relationships. What you’ve been through wasn’t your fault, and some of your reactionary responses to those traumas are also not your fault.

I’m a guy and I have loved women who have had to heal some pretty severe trauma in these areas. All it really required from my end is a little empathy and understanding. An important axis in any relationship is how safe/comfortable you feel. So make sure that happens. It’s also helpful to know ahead of time if a trauma response is liable to come up.

I remember with one person she came at me pretty aggressively one day on an issue, but we talked it out and reached a resolution on it, she was actually really apologetic about the way she approached it, but I said quite the reverse I was actually proud of her. She wasn’t used to asserting herself in relationships, for fear of violent reprisals so had to wind herself up to even broach the subject with me. I said over time she be able fine tune her approach (no one wants to react to things like that!), and I’m perfectly capable of weathering a few heated and uncomfortable conversations whilst she advances on her healing journey.

Personally my anger is reserved for the men who abused you not for your responses to that trauma, if that makes any sense? You are most certainly not unlovable or any less worthy of a healthy loving relationship than the next woman. Please start from a position of kindness towards yourself.

One final thought, and a common pattern I have noticed with women wrestling with what you are is these cycles of self-loathing and blame. I don’t know if you were subject to any gaslighting, but it’s a common pitfall even when you aren’t in direct contact with any abusers anymore to fall into too much self blame as you have almost been trained to view everything as your fault. It’s not, but it might take some unpacking to move past that.

I wish you the very best, and hope you find the right relationship of a kind you can continue your healing journey on.

@PlanktonsComputerWife

He sounds dodgy AF.

Your instincts were spot on.

My thoughts exactly.

I think your first instincts were right.
He sent it to you as a test to see what your reaction would be.
You reacted in the way you did because he didn't add any context to it at all. I mean who would forward what looks like an inappropriate picture to their GF with no context and no explanation. Who would forward it anyway!

So I unfortunately think he was testing your boundaries.

And then because you stuck to those boundaries, hes now ended it because he can see you are not the sort to put up with any shite.

There is now context to the picture. fine. But that should of been explained to you immediately when you said it was inapproprite. Why did he leave you hanging with that doubt? When he could of cleared it up immediately.
Probably because either he was testing you, or there actually was no context and thats all bullshit made up later to pacify you. And have you any evidence apart from his word that it did in fact get cleared by a manager?

At the end of the day, he sent you something that he must of known would make you uncomfortable, and then when you reacted to that, instead of trying to explain properly hes decided he can't be with you.
Most men, if accused of something that was in fact innocent and had upset their partner would be doing their utmost to make it right and explain right from the outset. Not getting the arse and getting rid.

You failed his test. But passed yours. Stick to your boundaries, you did the right thing.