Just fucked up a really nice new relationship by overreacting

[Sattherelikealemon]

Sorry, long.

Gah. I met a nice guy not my usual type but we had real chemistry and interest and he was lovely. We dated for a few months but I have fucked it by being messed up now its over.

He's in a position of power/ responsibility over young adults. Some young women (very early 20s) sent him a photo for which my initial reaction was that it was inappropriate for him to be receiving given his position. He sent it to me with a joke about how it wasn't very appropriate in terms of their relationship.

It was not provocative, in itself, but I would just have never expected to send such a picture in their position or someone in his to be so blase about receiving it. For instance, I would not have sent it to my male boss.

Looking at the photo calmly, knowing the context, it is on the side of acceptable but i would say still not great for a man to be getting on his phone from young women he has authority over. Anyway, I just found it strange that he was receiving this sort of thing from the people he works with and this confusion triggered me, tbh.

I have experienced a lot of sexual assault and rapes over the years, and have a lot of issues with boundaries. I had a predatory teacher as a teenager living away from family. He didn't assault me but caused me a lot of problems when I didn't react to his advances.

Anyway, I mulled over this photo for a couple of days, ended up getting more upset, and eventually overreacted big time, ending the relationship by text and saying in short that I didn't think it was ok, him receiving that sort of photo from young people at work. It wasn't a personal attack, or a rant but it was short and quite strongly worded (not abusive, sweary or anything).

He went straight on the defensive and was very upset and angry, saying I was overreacting and saying he had nothing to explain. He provided more context meaning it wasn't so bad, but he hadn't told me this at the time.

There was a short back and forth, none of it very constructive or seeing the other's POV. I think he must have been shocked i ended it abruptly as we got on so well. I tried to call before bed to put things straight.

I slept on this, realised quickly that I had approached it all wrong and messaged to apologise. He said how upset he was at having his professionalism brought into question and how he didn't want us to continue. He again said i had overreacted massively.

I only did so because I genuinely felt at the time that the photo, with the lack of any context, and his comment, breached boundaries and that really upset me and I didn't know how to handle it. It was also only a couple of days after we had sex for the first time and he showed me this picture that was a bit questionable. I felt really vulnerable and as though I didn't know what type of person he was. I didn't know really why he was showing me it.

He has now shown the photo to his manager, who knows the context, and they okayed it, so it wasn't anything terrible.

I've had some therapy previously but my circumstances have changed and I can't really afford more. Rape crisis have put me to the end of their list as I have moved. How do I stop myself ruining any more relationships and upsetting someone else? I honestly have so much love to give but have so many problems with boundaries. I either feel I have to enforce one and go too far, like this, or I don't at all and find myself in situations like being sexually assaulted again by dates because I haven't reacted to red flags, or less serious but not very nice behaviour.

I feel like this time, I avoided talking about it more neutrally because I didnt think that I had any right enforcing a boundary but got more upset about it as time went on, and sent a message when feeling really emotional.

I am such an idiot and now a horrible person as well. I feel dreadful for upsetting this guy.

Any ideas what I can do to sort myself out? would anyone suggest apologising again or explaining my issues- not to try and get him back as I realise that has gone, but for the upset?

You didn't fuck this up. He did.

Looking at the photo calmly, knowing the context, it is on the side of acceptable but i would say still not great for a man to be getting on his phone from young women he has authority over.

Right. So you do still know it's "not great". And his own behaviour around getting this "not great" photo, a photo which he told you himself was inappropriate, has been both unprofessional and inappropriate to you. And when you pointed that out and (quite reasonably to protect yourself!) ended the relationship he got angry. You called him unprofessional because his behaviour was unprofessional, and he got angry and blustered and said how dare you. He has not explained why an employee/client/student had his personal number, or why he forwarded the photo to you instead of dealing with it properly - that's probably because there is no explanation that looks good for him.

I felt a bit like he was either cluelessly still entertaining conversations he shouldn't be at his age and position which didn't look good, or had sent it looking for a reaction from me, and changed the subject when I questioned it.

Neither of those is acceptable from a partner. He is hiding in plain sight, you can see what he is doing but you want to believe he is a nice guy, and he blusters and makes you feel like a bad person for doubting him.

Hmmm he seems to have forgotten that he sent it to you jokingly suggesting himself that it wasn't appropriate this is kind of it.

So he changed his story to brush aside the inconvenient parts of what he said and did. He is not trustworthy.

I do stand by the photo not looking good and I'm not sure why he sent it to me..

As pp have said, the photo tested your response. Seeing what he can get away with, how much he can do without being dumped, or with being dumped and then forgiven so not really dumped at all. It's a little step in the wrong direction, and after he has taken one step and been forgiven he can take another.

I think you're right about being less on guard.

Er no. That is wishful thinking. You need to be more on guard, not less. Let him stay dumped.

@SnarkyBag

Why did he send it to you in the first place? To be honest I think your initial instincts were probably right.

This. Trust your instincts, from what I've read your response was measured and possibly correct.

Yes, I don’t think you need to be less on guard either, because that really means drop your boundaries, which is not helpful to your well-being either. What would be ideal is calm reflection rather than acting when triggered. But that is difficult as I said upthread. It doesn’t mean you would reach a different decision through calm reflection, though.

My biggest concern is that DP appears to have no boundaries- he should have taken this seriously and informed the women that sending him photos is not appropriate. He should then have informed management of what had happened and how he dealt with it. His career is at risk of any of the people in his charge turn on him and he will be at risk of various accusations. He’s handling it badly almost as an ego stroke rather than having professional boundaries being in place. He wanted to make you jealous, he should have viewed and handled it from a professional perspective. You are well rid of him

It sounds like you needed your instincts and that is a crucial life skill, and one that is often compromised by experience of abuse. You will never know if he was ‘testing’ you and whether you should have ended it, but you do know yourself a wonderful gift of trusting your instincts.

Arse: HEEDED, not needed.

@Sattherelikealemon

The problem is that I didn't ask him why, I ruminate upon it, and kicked off.

You ruminated because you weren't quite sure you could explain why it niggled you

You didn't ask him why because the answer was never going to be what you wanted it to be - a good one

You kicked off because the back of your mind knows that a man who shares pictures women send him is not to be trusted. His actions with fairly innocent pictures still broke the trust of the women involved.

It's like being regailed with gossip about someone you don't know. The person doing the telling is getting something from the telling. You, the recipient, are made part to that self satisfying. It's grubby, unpleasant, at best!

And just imagine what he might share about you...

Oh. I don't believe his manager thoguth it was OK.

He broke GDPR regs and, done deliberately is serious misconduct.

He lies.

Wow talk about overreactions on this thread. A man was sent a photo by a young capable adult woman (make it totally clear for some). And the. to laugh off her attempt at flirting(?) He shows it to his new gf.

Big bloody deal.

Red flags here on several levels. You absolutely did not overreact.

@Megalameg

Wow talk about overreactions on this thread. A man was sent a photo by a young capable adult woman (make it totally clear for some). And the. to laugh off her attempt at flirting(?) He shows it to his new gf.

Big bloody deal.

You've missed quite a bit there!

It's reactions like that that makes safeguarding essential.

Personally I think it depends on a lot of things. The industry, the relationship he has with all of his colleagues, him as a person and what the actual photo was?

Sending personal photos to my male boss was fine in my last job. We even had a group chat that was outside of work that had our manager in it. Absolutely nothing to do with work, just to chat and organise nights out/meals/day trips. I wouldn’t have thought twice about sending him a pic because that was just the office atmosphere and his relationship with everyone. We were friends.

That kind of stuff would be a no go at my new work place. Both places are similar and the companies do pretty much the same thing so it’s nothing to do with the level of professionalism changing, this office just doesn’t work like that.

@Bookworm20

I think your first instincts were right. He sent it to you as a test to see what your reaction would be. You reacted in the way you did because he didn't add any context to it at all. I mean who would forward what looks like an inappropriate picture to their GF with no context and no explanation. Who would forward it anyway!

So I unfortunately think he was testing your boundaries.

And then because you stuck to those boundaries, hes now ended it because he can see you are not the sort to put up with any shite.

There is now context to the picture. fine. But that should of been explained to you immediately when you said it was inapproprite. Why did he leave you hanging with that doubt? When he could of cleared it up immediately.
Probably because either he was testing you, or there actually was no context and thats all bullshit made up later to pacify you. And have you any evidence apart from his word that it did in fact get cleared by a manager?

At the end of the day, he sent you something that he must of known would make you uncomfortable, and then when you reacted to that, instead of trying to explain properly hes decided he can't be with you.
Most men, if accused of something that was in fact innocent and had upset their partner would be doing their utmost to make it right and explain right from the outset. Not getting the arse and getting rid.

You failed his test. But passed yours. Stick to your boundaries, you did the right thing.

I agree.

If I sent something to a partner and didn't get across what it was about accurately and it was misinterpreted causing upset I would recognise I had created a misunderstanding and try to put it straight. I think most decent folk would do that. He didn't do that. Maybe he was mortally offended you judged him but he went off the deep end too.

Something doesn't add up with the fact he shared their picture with a bit of a cryptic message you in the first place. Most people would recognise a young colleague sending photo's should be discouraged and if he told you at all it would be to mention he had to ask so-and-so not to send pictures in future.

@Megalameg

Wow talk about overreactions on this thread. A man was sent a photo by a young capable adult woman (make it totally clear for some). And the. to laugh off her attempt at flirting(?) He shows it to his new gf.

Big bloody deal.

I actually agree with this. He sent it on to his new gf probably expecting her to agree it was inappropriate and that be the end of it, only to be dumped because of it 2 days later. Nobody disputes that he should be discouraging the sending of any sort of personal picture given the age difference and his position.

Obviously it's hard to know the truth of the matter as we don't know him, but the OP is feeling bad because a promisingly relationship is now over, perhaps needlessly now she knows a bit more about the situation.

However OP, if there is any possibility he sent it on to you to make you jealous in some way, then I think your instincts about not knowing him are likely to be correct and you should take some comfort from that.

I am such an idiot and now a horrible person as well. I feel dreadful for upsetting this guy.
Any ideas what I can do to sort myself out?

Yes, stop doubting yourself, stop thinking he's a great guy. He isn't. He's a sleazebag that was testing your boundaries. You picked up on that, you saw the red flags and you acted appropriately.

What's happened is you are on the pendulum swing of self doubt. Go and read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker (he explains why you feel like you owe this guy an apology) and pat yourself on the back for dodging a bullet.

Why TF would he share it with you? You're lucky you got out of it.

Maybe he was mortally offended you judged him but he went off the deep end too

Didn't think of this but yes, he said he hated overreactions etc. but actually kicked off a bit himself too

Let him go
In reply to your op, never text/message when upset, wait a while. Better to speak usually, email is terrible for misunderstanding

Just for clarity - even if he did show his boss the picture and explained it had been sent to him and the boss 'ok-ed' it, whatever that means - did he actually tell his boss that he forwarded it to you, as, in professional terms, surely that is the main issue here? If the boss ok-ed the sharing (in a non-professional capacity) then neither of them should keep their jobs imo!

Also - people keep mixing up showing the photo to OP vs sharing/sending it. There is a massive difference with serious implications if shared/sent on rather than just shown (although bad enough to show it).

Finally - the people saying he can't win, if he hadn't mentiined it OP would be annoyed too. Wise up! A normal, decent professional does not need to mention it as just part of work, just handle it properly, go through procedures etc, and if felt the need, as someone said above, explained to OP what had happened with no photos/sharing/ jokes etc. This is a women in his pastoral care, not for his entertainment or ego boost. What a dk.

Finally - the people saying he can't win, if he hadn't mentiined it OP would be annoyed too. Wise up! A normal, decent professional does not need to mention it as just part of work, just handle it properly, go through procedures etc, and if felt the need, as someone said above, explained to OP what had happened with no photos/sharing/ jokes etc

Totally this. I didn't really need to see it at all.

as @TopCatsTopHat said
If I sent something to a partner and didn't get across what it was about accurately and it was misinterpreted causing upset I would recognise I had created a misunderstanding and try to put it straight. I think most decent folk would do that. He didn't do that. Maybe he was mortally offended you judged him but he went off the deep end too

OP please stop blaming yourself for saying something, and for his reaction. If it was a true misunderstanding as he says, he should be more concerned about not explaining it to you properly, but he isn't. He can't get over your disapproval of his actions in sending you this photo. His reaction seems to be ... if you think that, then there's no more to be said.

You are well within your rights to question him. Sadly he couldn't take it, He couldn't talk it through with you and was instead on the defensive. It comes across as if he doesn't want a partner to question him. Its OK to think well she should trust me, but its a new relationship and trust is built over time and by a good response when you do question something, which I think would be a problem going forward

Stop telling yourself off for asking questions and challenging something you found disturbing. That's what you should do in a new relationship, particularly if you have had a difficult history. You were protecting yourself.

Given that this is his reaction to the first hitch you've both encountered, I would have to question how much he really wanted to move forward in the first place.

You don't need a reason to end a relationship.
You don't need the other person's permission to end a relationship.
You don't need to justify your gut feelings, your emotions or your past.

If it felt wrong, at all, that's reason enough.

It's not about whether what he did was bad enough to warrant your response to it. Your reponse, your feelings, are yours and they do not need to meet any sort of external criteria to be worthy.

@Dervel

I’ve only just read your initial post OP and wanted to respond to that initially. I will go back and rtft, you aren’t a horrible person by any stretch of the imagination.

The solution is to build solid communication alongside intimacy in your relationships. What you’ve been through wasn’t your fault, and some of your reactionary responses to those traumas are also not your fault.

I’m a guy and I have loved women who have had to heal some pretty severe trauma in these areas. All it really required from my end is a little empathy and understanding. An important axis in any relationship is how safe/comfortable you feel. So make sure that happens. It’s also helpful to know ahead of time if a trauma response is liable to come up.

I remember with one person she came at me pretty aggressively one day on an issue, but we talked it out and reached a resolution on it, she was actually really apologetic about the way she approached it, but I said quite the reverse I was actually proud of her. She wasn’t used to asserting herself in relationships, for fear of violent reprisals so had to wind herself up to even broach the subject with me. I said over time she be able fine tune her approach (no one wants to react to things like that!), and I’m perfectly capable of weathering a few heated and uncomfortable conversations whilst she advances on her healing journey.

Personally my anger is reserved for the men who abused you not for your responses to that trauma, if that makes any sense? You are most certainly not unlovable or any less worthy of a healthy loving relationship than the next woman. Please start from a position of kindness towards yourself.

One final thought, and a common pattern I have noticed with women wrestling with what you are is these cycles of self-loathing and blame. I don’t know if you were subject to any gaslighting, but it’s a common pitfall even when you aren’t in direct contact with any abusers anymore to fall into too much self blame as you have almost been trained to view everything as your fault. It’s not, but it might take some unpacking to move past that.

I wish you the very best, and hope you find the right relationship of a kind you can continue your healing journey on.

Thank you for such a lovely kind message.

And to everyone else as well

duckbilledsplatterpuss

His reaction seems to be ... if you think that, then there's no more to be said this was pretty much it. I know I went about it all wrong and if I'd ended things then perhaps he didn't owe me a nice explanation but I honestly don't think I'm the only person in the world to see that picture and thing 'hang on!'.

Theres been some good advice on here. I wish I could just accept that it's alright to push back or question things and then do it in the right way.

Anything not related to personal boundaries, fine. I can advocate for myself professionally, get things done, make big life decisions, do right by people. But as soon as an element of this comes in, I go into a tailspin and either believe that nothing wrong is happening or get like this.

It sounds like you are already making great strides in being as assertive in relationships and personal boundaries as you are in advocating for yourself professionally and seeing the difference in the two approaches is quite a big step forward too. (I'm not claiming to be an expert in any of this, or anything other than a random from a forum, but its how I read it from your comments)
You've got a right to speak up for yourself and not feel bad or guilty about it. Think about being as kind to yourself as it sounds you already are to others. It sounds like this is kicking in for you. Best of luck.