Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just fucked up a really nice new relationship by overreacting

208 replies

Sattherelikealemon · 09/11/2021 22:28

Sorry, long.

Gah. I met a nice guy not my usual type but we had real chemistry and interest and he was lovely. We dated for a few months but I have fucked it by being messed up now its over.

He's in a position of power/ responsibility over young adults. Some young women (very early 20s) sent him a photo for which my initial reaction was that it was inappropriate for him to be receiving given his position. He sent it to me with a joke about how it wasn't very appropriate in terms of their relationship.

It was not provocative, in itself, but I would just have never expected to send such a picture in their position or someone in his to be so blase about receiving it. For instance, I would not have sent it to my male boss.

Looking at the photo calmly, knowing the context, it is on the side of acceptable but i would say still not great for a man to be getting on his phone from young women he has authority over. Anyway, I just found it strange that he was receiving this sort of thing from the people he works with and this confusion triggered me, tbh.

I have experienced a lot of sexual assault and rapes over the years, and have a lot of issues with boundaries. I had a predatory teacher as a teenager living away from family. He didn't assault me but caused me a lot of problems when I didn't react to his advances.

Anyway, I mulled over this photo for a couple of days, ended up getting more upset, and eventually overreacted big time, ending the relationship by text and saying in short that I didn't think it was ok, him receiving that sort of photo from young people at work. It wasn't a personal attack, or a rant but it was short and quite strongly worded (not abusive, sweary or anything).

He went straight on the defensive and was very upset and angry, saying I was overreacting and saying he had nothing to explain. He provided more context meaning it wasn't so bad, but he hadn't told me this at the time.

There was a short back and forth, none of it very constructive or seeing the other's POV. I think he must have been shocked i ended it abruptly as we got on so well. I tried to call before bed to put things straight.

I slept on this, realised quickly that I had approached it all wrong and messaged to apologise. He said how upset he was at having his professionalism brought into question and how he didn't want us to continue. He again said i had overreacted massively.

I only did so because I genuinely felt at the time that the photo, with the lack of any context, and his comment, breached boundaries and that really upset me and I didn't know how to handle it. It was also only a couple of days after we had sex for the first time and he showed me this picture that was a bit questionable. I felt really vulnerable and as though I didn't know what type of person he was. I didn't know really why he was showing me it.

He has now shown the photo to his manager, who knows the context, and they okayed it, so it wasn't anything terrible.

I've had some therapy previously but my circumstances have changed and I can't really afford more. Rape crisis have put me to the end of their list as I have moved. How do I stop myself ruining any more relationships and upsetting someone else? I honestly have so much love to give but have so many problems with boundaries. I either feel I have to enforce one and go too far, like this, or I don't at all and find myself in situations like being sexually assaulted again by dates because I haven't reacted to red flags, or less serious but not very nice behaviour.

I feel like this time, I avoided talking about it more neutrally because I didnt think that I had any right enforcing a boundary but got more upset about it as time went on, and sent a message when feeling really emotional.

I am such an idiot and now a horrible person as well. I feel dreadful for upsetting this guy.

Any ideas what I can do to sort myself out? would anyone suggest apologising again or explaining my issues- not to try and get him back as I realise that has gone, but for the upset?

OP posts:
NadiaVulvokov · 10/11/2021 04:57

I think your instincts were spot on about this. If this was an unsolicited pic he received innocently at the very least he shouldn’t have been showing it to someone outwith his management structure. But as PP have said, the whole thing sounds more shady than that.

It can also be true, but separate, that you need more support than you are getting over your past experiences. This can be especially true when you get into new relationships etc. it would also be true that you would need more support when you have a near miss with someone predatory.

Essentially I think the two things are separate.

Megalameg · 10/11/2021 04:59

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Because he wanted to laugh off a younger woman cracking onto him at work with his girlfriend maybe?
What do you want him to do?

nolongersurprised · 10/11/2021 05:00

I think your instincts are correct as well. It may well be that the incident with the photo, when you break it down, isn’t problematic but you’re subconsciously picking up “creep” vibes. I’m getting them from your post about him as well.

Listen to your gut feeling, don’t second-guess it or rationalise it

Megalameg · 10/11/2021 05:02

@OnTheSafeSide

The woman who sent him the photo is not “in his care” - she’s not a minor and he’s not her teacher or babysitter. She’s a grown woman who chose to send a photo.

violetanemone · 10/11/2021 05:18

I can't comment on the ins and outs of that photo or this particular man (I don't think anyone can tbh because we don't know him, what the photo was, what his manager said about it etc).

But it is evident that you've had some very traumatic experiences in the past which are still affecting you. I know you say you can't afford more therapy but have you really looked around? The GP may be able to refer you to some low cost sessions. If not, I think you need to think about trying to save for it in the future, because therapy really is an effective way of breaking free of damaging thought patterns and trauma. It is hard to do that by yourself.

FangsForTheMemory · 10/11/2021 05:25

I agree with everyone else that this sounds very off. He should not have sent you the photo. You were right to end it.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/11/2021 05:31

My reaction would be to think that this guy is a creep. I would have ended it. Your method of communication may need some finessing but your instincts were spot on

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/11/2021 05:44

This is an issue on boundaries. He shouldn’t have sent you the photo. He didn’t consider her feelings or yours. It sounds as if he went on the defensive rather than discussed what he did.

Did you overreact? Perhaps. However, you were rightly annoyed and it sounds as if he didn’t get why it was inappropriate in the first instance, you didn’t feel listened to, which stirred a lot of feelings inside you.

I certainly wouldn’t apologise again. If he comes back to you and apologises or asks if you can talk again about it, you may choose to hear him out. But it would be from a POV of him realising he acted like a dick.

froggy1811 · 10/11/2021 05:45

No doubt about it, he sounds dodgy OP!!

Also, it's really hard for me to properly make assumptions unless I know exactly what his position of 'power' actually is; but what I do know, is that if he's working with 'vulnerable' people - whether they are adults or not - it is completely illegal for him to be sending you her picture!

Please do not apologise to him whatsoever.

readingismycardio · 10/11/2021 05:47

Dodget a bullet there, OP. Well done! I don't think it was overreacting.

Hetyanni · 10/11/2021 05:53

Overreaction or not, I think you should chalk this one up to experience and move on. Then spend some time working on yourself - you need help for your mental health and trauma before getting in to another relationship. Maybe speaking to your GP would be a good first step, CBT maybe even medication. Good luck to you.

Whydidimarryhim · 10/11/2021 06:12

Megalameg - he should have deleted it| not shared it and discussed with his manager.
Op - you dodged a bullet.
Had you shared your history with him?
He works with vulnerable young adults. He knows the score.
He shouldn’t have shared with you. His defensiveness speaks volumes.
You are more sensitive to these types of issues - they trigger you - that’s ok.

WTF475878237NC · 10/11/2021 06:16

It really isn't about the photo. It's about getting well rid of someone who behaves like he did. His inappropriate behaviour re the photo has shown you what kind of bloke he is.

WonderfulYou · 10/11/2021 06:16

I think some posters need to re-read the OP.

This was a group of women in their 20s who shared a non provocative photo with him. OP has said there is nothing wrong with the photo and a back story makes the photo even more innocent.

He sent it her saying he didn’t think it was appropriate.
He can’t help who sends him photos.
As this was just a group of women in non-provocative clothing (they could have been all sat in the office, doing a fun run etc) then there is no law forbidding him sending it to someone else.

Obviously there aren’t many details but PPs are making it into a worse situation by not reading the OP properly.

froggy1811 · 10/11/2021 06:24

I definitely read the post, and I still find it inappropriate that he, A: shared a photograph that had been sent to him by someone of whom he had a position of power over - (so I'm assuming a 'vulnerable' individual from the context of her post) - with OP And B: That he felt it necessary to tell OP in the first place.

If this is all innocent and he was just 'boasting' or trying to show OP how desirable he is to young women, then I'd say that this is a good indication of his level of maturity, and my, my has it backfired!

Spiceup · 10/11/2021 06:31

Even if it was completely innocent, he forwarded a photo of another human being to laugh at them. He's not a nice person.

WTF475878237NC · 10/11/2021 06:32

I definitely read the post, and I still find it inappropriate that he, A: shared a photograph that had been sent to him by someone of whom he had a position of power over - (so I'm assuming a 'vulnerable' individual from the context of her post) - with OP And B: That he felt it necessary to tell OP in the first place.

^ me too.

IAAP · 10/11/2021 06:33

@SnarkyBag

Why did he send it to you in the first place? To be honest I think your initial instincts were probably right.
Your reactions were spot on he’s testing you - bin him
pinkfondu · 10/11/2021 06:36

Sorry only got part way through he should never have forwarded that to you, you could get him in massive trouble if you reported him. You did not overreact

emergencygapjumper · 10/11/2021 06:39

I think you're doing an amazing job maintaining your boundaries and your instincts were right. Don't let this guy shake your confidence in yourself.

Joystir59 · 10/11/2021 06:41

Your initial instincts and reaction were spot on, well done OP. You went with your gut reaction. He sounds very dodgy and as if he was testing you. You deserve better.

Thatsplentyjack · 10/11/2021 06:43

It would have me wondering why they thought it was OK to send the pucture in the first place and why on earth he sent it to you 🤔

Aprilx · 10/11/2021 06:43

I do not understand how it is his fault that somebody sent him a photograph. I would also take it that he showed you in the sense of “look what happened today, can you believe it”. But then unlike an awful lot of posters, I am not going to label somebody as a pervert or whatever without having the full facts, some men are good and professional you know. I think you early over reacted and don’t blame him for ending things if you are going to punish him and end the relationships based upon what somebody else has done.

Evelyn52 · 10/11/2021 06:44

From what you've said I think your instincts were bang on, you have them for a reason and you listened, well done you xxx

Moonface123 · 10/11/2021 06:49

You see this same comment " I overreacted " time and time again on here. You did not over react, do not excuse his behaviour or shift the blame on to yourself. This photo made you feel uneasy because it was inappropriate, end of. He should have immediately informed higher management and let them deal with it, last thing he should be doing is showing it to others, such poor judgement and highly unproffesional.
l hope these young adults are not classed as vulnerable, or require extra support, because if they are, he should be fired and the police need to be involved, he is abusing his position.