Just fucked up a really nice new relationship by overreacting

[Sattherelikealemon]

Sorry, long.

Gah. I met a nice guy not my usual type but we had real chemistry and interest and he was lovely. We dated for a few months but I have fucked it by being messed up now its over.

He's in a position of power/ responsibility over young adults. Some young women (very early 20s) sent him a photo for which my initial reaction was that it was inappropriate for him to be receiving given his position. He sent it to me with a joke about how it wasn't very appropriate in terms of their relationship.

It was not provocative, in itself, but I would just have never expected to send such a picture in their position or someone in his to be so blase about receiving it. For instance, I would not have sent it to my male boss.

Looking at the photo calmly, knowing the context, it is on the side of acceptable but i would say still not great for a man to be getting on his phone from young women he has authority over. Anyway, I just found it strange that he was receiving this sort of thing from the people he works with and this confusion triggered me, tbh.

I have experienced a lot of sexual assault and rapes over the years, and have a lot of issues with boundaries. I had a predatory teacher as a teenager living away from family. He didn't assault me but caused me a lot of problems when I didn't react to his advances.

Anyway, I mulled over this photo for a couple of days, ended up getting more upset, and eventually overreacted big time, ending the relationship by text and saying in short that I didn't think it was ok, him receiving that sort of photo from young people at work. It wasn't a personal attack, or a rant but it was short and quite strongly worded (not abusive, sweary or anything).

He went straight on the defensive and was very upset and angry, saying I was overreacting and saying he had nothing to explain. He provided more context meaning it wasn't so bad, but he hadn't told me this at the time.

There was a short back and forth, none of it very constructive or seeing the other's POV. I think he must have been shocked i ended it abruptly as we got on so well. I tried to call before bed to put things straight.

I slept on this, realised quickly that I had approached it all wrong and messaged to apologise. He said how upset he was at having his professionalism brought into question and how he didn't want us to continue. He again said i had overreacted massively.

I only did so because I genuinely felt at the time that the photo, with the lack of any context, and his comment, breached boundaries and that really upset me and I didn't know how to handle it. It was also only a couple of days after we had sex for the first time and he showed me this picture that was a bit questionable. I felt really vulnerable and as though I didn't know what type of person he was. I didn't know really why he was showing me it.

He has now shown the photo to his manager, who knows the context, and they okayed it, so it wasn't anything terrible.

I've had some therapy previously but my circumstances have changed and I can't really afford more. Rape crisis have put me to the end of their list as I have moved. How do I stop myself ruining any more relationships and upsetting someone else? I honestly have so much love to give but have so many problems with boundaries. I either feel I have to enforce one and go too far, like this, or I don't at all and find myself in situations like being sexually assaulted again by dates because I haven't reacted to red flags, or less serious but not very nice behaviour.

I feel like this time, I avoided talking about it more neutrally because I didnt think that I had any right enforcing a boundary but got more upset about it as time went on, and sent a message when feeling really emotional.

I am such an idiot and now a horrible person as well. I feel dreadful for upsetting this guy.

Any ideas what I can do to sort myself out? would anyone suggest apologising again or explaining my issues- not to try and get him back as I realise that has gone, but for the upset?

@cafenoirbiscuit

a) it’s unprofessional to share photos without client permission B) he’s probably breached the terms and conditions of employment c) he has risked triggering the recipient ie you by sending it to you d) you deserve better than someone who’s instinct is to send you this sort of imagery ‘just for the bangs’ Run and run fast xx

This.

OP trust your instincts.

"nice" people can actually be arseholes too.

Why would they even have his number?

You didn't 'fuck up' the relationship. His behaviour demonstrated that unfortunately the relationship - and the person! - were not what you had thought and hoped they would be. Upsetting as it must be for you, you are well out of such a relationship.

I think it's actually irrelevant whether he is a 'bad guy' or not. We will never know, and neither will OP.

However, for women who have experienced any kind of sexual assault, coercion, manipulation it's really important that they maintain confidence in their instincts and judgements.

Take a breath OP. While your ending things abruptly might now feel an over-reaction, I think your instincts and boundaries are spot on.

HE told you it was inappropriate when he sent it to you and he was joking about that. That is a big red flag. If he’d mentioned it in the context of ‘oh this awkward thing happened at work, I’ve had to speak to my line manager’ then it would have been different. But either he has some manipulative purpose in sending it to you, or frankly he’s shit at his job with young people. Particularly if they’re vulnerable young people, as her lack of judgement in sending the photo suggests. He only mentioned his boss after talking to you - he should have done this from the start and he shouldn’t have been joking/showing you the photo - does his boss know that bit?

He seriously breached this girl’s privacy by passing it on. Again, particularly in a young person/vulnerable adult setting. The young person might do the wrong thing but he has a duty of care to act responsibly about that.

I can envisage circumstances and roles where these young people might have his number and him theirs. But, that comes with even stricter boundaries - if there’s a work mobile of any kind available you’d always give that number first.

I work with young people myself and think he was inappropriate in how he handled it full stop and I’d have definitely questioned this in someone I was dating as it shows a serious lack of judgement on their part.

I get why you’re feeling like you over-reacted but the reason he’s angry is because you’re right and he’s backpedaling! While he’s got you questioning how you handled it now, you’re definitely better off out of that, he sounds immature at best.

You should feel proud that you have such good instincts.

He's a creep. How did these young people even have his number? Literally everything you describe is creepy. And he's really doubled down on the gaslighting too.

He's in a position of power/ responsibility over young adults.

The people saying it doesn't matter because the young woman is not underage, are wrong. The position of authority/power is the most relevant thing, (even more so, if they are vulnerable adults).

It's his responsibility to maintain professional boundaries.

I think you rightly called him out, op.

You didn’t overreact. You thought about it for two days and decided it wasn’t right, which honestly, it doesn’t sound like it was. I don’t understand why he’d send you something like that when it was inappropriate for him to receive in the first place.

You did the right thing.

If this is someone he works with, has a position of power over she shouldn’t be sending photos to him on presumably his personal mobile. And he certainly shouldn’t have been sending it on to you without the young persons permission, which is a clear breach of her privacy.

Regardless of whether the photo itself was ok or not (and it sounds not), he’s breached his professional boundaries with her and with you. I think you’ve dodged a bullet for that reason alone.

@category12

He's in a position of power/ responsibility over young adults.

The people saying it doesn't matter because the young woman is not underage, are wrong. The position of authority/power is the most relevant thing, (even more so, if they are vulnerable adults).

It's his responsibility to maintain professional boundaries.

I think you rightly called him out, op.

This.

Social workers, probation officers, psychologists, doctors off the top of my head, are all in positions of power imbalance over people, whatever their age, which is why there are strict confidentiality rules about sharing any information with third parties, let alone sending a photo.

@Whydidimarryhim

I need to know what “vulnerable” young adults means to make that call. Does it mean he’s some kind of drug councillor or helping people in need and one of them was the woman who sent him the photo? Or does it mean some woman who’s not as high up in the office sent him a photo of herself?

Because if it’s the latter then she isn’t “vulnerable” she’s a grown woman for god sake. Why shouldn’t he laugh that off with his partner. If some young man I worked with was sending me photos Id probably do the same as he did. Big deal.

You were protecting yourself, you don’t need to do that in a ‘polite and reasonable’ way.

I doesn't actually matter if the women are vulnerable. He is in a position of authority over them.

@category12

In the real world people have personal relationships of all kinds with people who are payed more or in a higher/lower role in their workplace. And it’s fine.
Do young women really need to be babied in case they decide to hit on men at work? Whatever.

Sharing a picture with you was totally unreasonable and unprofessional.

However you massively overreacted over something he can’t control. It’s the client overstepping boundaries not him.

@WonderfulYou

I think some posters need to re-read the OP.

This was a group of women in their 20s who shared a non provocative photo with him. OP has said there is nothing wrong with the photo and a back story makes the photo even more innocent.

He sent it her saying he didn’t think it was appropriate.
He can’t help who sends him photos.
As this was just a group of women in non-provocative clothing (they could have been all sat in the office, doing a fun run etc) then there is no law forbidding him sending it to someone else.

Obviously there aren’t many details but PPs are making it into a worse situation by not reading the OP properly.

The photo was sent to him in a work context so there is a law against this. Well , at least 2; UK GDPR, Data Protection Act and presumably some professional standards too.

I agree with so many other posters. Whether or not the photo was appropriate, his reaction with to it was to make a joke - presumably he was trying to make you jealous. It sounds completely right that you walked away.

If the woman was a 'client' - in the sense that he is a support worker, social worker, counsellor, psychologist etc. - then it really is an issue! In fact, he could get into serious trouble with the police for breaching her privacy/Identity when he passed on the photo to OP.

If she is a colleague who is paid less, as some of you are suggesting, then he is still an immature idiot for poking fun behind her back, and for using the photograph to 'show off' to his new girlfriend.

Don't forget, OP isn't his long time partner or wife - she said herself they only slept together a few days prior to his doing this!

I wonder whether he shares these photos with male friends? He shared it with you.

[quote Megalameg]@Whydidimarryhim

I need to know what “vulnerable” young adults means to make that call. Does it mean he’s some kind of drug councillor or helping people in need and one of them was the woman who sent him the photo? Or does it mean some woman who’s not as high up in the office sent him a photo of herself?

Because if it’s the latter then she isn’t “vulnerable” she’s a grown woman for god sake. Why shouldn’t he laugh that off with his partner. If some young man I worked with was sending me photos Id probably do the same as he did. Big deal.[/quote]
Ew. "Vulnerable" or no, if a 22 year old man I had authority over sent me photos to my personal phone I'd be very concerned about his professionalism. I'd be concerned about his reputation and mine. I'd be deleting it and having a chat with him/management. Nice gaslighting.

People overreact all the time. It's not a deal breaker unless people let it be. If he was really into you he'd get over it.

You were right to question his professionalism because, whatever the context, he shared the picture. If he shared it with you, who else did he share it with?

He also had no need to show you. If he'd wanted to be honest he could've told you and explained that this kind of this happens sometimes due to the nature of his work and that he follows x, y and z steps to report and resolve it.

You've had a lucky escape.

The photo was sent to him in a work context so there is a law against this. Well , at least 2; UK GDPR, Data Protection Act

A photo of a person does not breach either of these. There's no data involved.

I understand your reaction because you were triggered by what happened to you and so that made you want to close down the contact with him. It is difficult to think straight when you are triggered and always a good idea to sleep on things first (except that is difficult because your body and brain just wants to stop the source of the trigger right away). But also, the trigger is your body and brain trying to protect you.

You were triggered for a reason and that is because, by his own admission, him receiving the photo was inappropriate and rather than taking it up internally with the young woman, he sent it on to you. By doing so, he breached her privacy. So taking your reaction out of the picture, his behaviour was inappropriate and that is what you reacted to.

Now it is easy after the event to say, okay, I should have been calmer and talked it through with him, but would you have reached a different conclusion that receiving a photo from someone he has responsibility over (whilst he himself initially did acknowledge and recognise this was inappropriate) and sharing it with you was okay? Or would you still have reached the conclusion that this was not okay? You might have been able to have a calm conversation to tell him it was not okay and he should enforce some boundaries with the young woman, but is that your job? No, it is his.

Agreeing with the previous posters, having taught and managed young people, he has crossed so many boundaries here, with the young person in question and with you, your reaction was sound and he was probably testing your boundaries before he crossed those as well.

Don't be upset about upsetting him. Be proud of walking away.

A photo of an individual is considered personal data under the GDPR! There needs to be a valid reason for sharing it, which there is not here.

The guy was never going to win tell you and look at the fallout not tell you and he's keeping something from you.

The situation sounds hard work.Problem is because He's a man and you are OP . MN will just agree will you irrelevant of rights and wrong with is hardly helpful