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Original poster

Just fucked up a really nice new relationship by overreacting

208 replies

Sattherelikealemon · 09/11/2021 22:28

Sorry, long.

Gah. I met a nice guy not my usual type but we had real chemistry and interest and he was lovely. We dated for a few months but I have fucked it by being messed up now its over.

He's in a position of power/ responsibility over young adults. Some young women (very early 20s) sent him a photo for which my initial reaction was that it was inappropriate for him to be receiving given his position. He sent it to me with a joke about how it wasn't very appropriate in terms of their relationship.

It was not provocative, in itself, but I would just have never expected to send such a picture in their position or someone in his to be so blase about receiving it. For instance, I would not have sent it to my male boss.

Looking at the photo calmly, knowing the context, it is on the side of acceptable but i would say still not great for a man to be getting on his phone from young women he has authority over. Anyway, I just found it strange that he was receiving this sort of thing from the people he works with and this confusion triggered me, tbh.

I have experienced a lot of sexual assault and rapes over the years, and have a lot of issues with boundaries. I had a predatory teacher as a teenager living away from family. He didn't assault me but caused me a lot of problems when I didn't react to his advances.

Anyway, I mulled over this photo for a couple of days, ended up getting more upset, and eventually overreacted big time, ending the relationship by text and saying in short that I didn't think it was ok, him receiving that sort of photo from young people at work. It wasn't a personal attack, or a rant but it was short and quite strongly worded (not abusive, sweary or anything).

He went straight on the defensive and was very upset and angry, saying I was overreacting and saying he had nothing to explain. He provided more context meaning it wasn't so bad, but he hadn't told me this at the time.

There was a short back and forth, none of it very constructive or seeing the other's POV. I think he must have been shocked i ended it abruptly as we got on so well. I tried to call before bed to put things straight.

I slept on this, realised quickly that I had approached it all wrong and messaged to apologise. He said how upset he was at having his professionalism brought into question and how he didn't want us to continue. He again said i had overreacted massively.

I only did so because I genuinely felt at the time that the photo, with the lack of any context, and his comment, breached boundaries and that really upset me and I didn't know how to handle it. It was also only a couple of days after we had sex for the first time and he showed me this picture that was a bit questionable. I felt really vulnerable and as though I didn't know what type of person he was. I didn't know really why he was showing me it.

He has now shown the photo to his manager, who knows the context, and they okayed it, so it wasn't anything terrible.

I've had some therapy previously but my circumstances have changed and I can't really afford more. Rape crisis have put me to the end of their list as I have moved. How do I stop myself ruining any more relationships and upsetting someone else? I honestly have so much love to give but have so many problems with boundaries. I either feel I have to enforce one and go too far, like this, or I don't at all and find myself in situations like being sexually assaulted again by dates because I haven't reacted to red flags, or less serious but not very nice behaviour.

I feel like this time, I avoided talking about it more neutrally because I didnt think that I had any right enforcing a boundary but got more upset about it as time went on, and sent a message when feeling really emotional.

I am such an idiot and now a horrible person as well. I feel dreadful for upsetting this guy.

Any ideas what I can do to sort myself out? would anyone suggest apologising again or explaining my issues- not to try and get him back as I realise that has gone, but for the upset?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sattherelikealemon · 10/11/2021 07:45

Thanks all for the further responses and really sorry for not elaborating on the picture content or his job, I doubt he reads this or the Fail will pick this up, I just don't need the extra anxiety. Promise I'm not just being cryptic for the sake of it. As I say, I described it to a couple of my friends, all level headed and they expressed that it was an odd thing to receive.

So it's definitely more of a pastoral position than office manager. The picture, well, nothing revealing, not bikinis or sexy clubbing wear, just kind of an intimate setting and I think most people would question why he was receiving that from them, and passing it on.

He's definitely talked about having to be extremely careful in his dealings with the people he works with due to reputation etc which is kind of why I was surprised to see this, with his comment.

I didn't accuse him of being a predator, or even see him that way. It was just really strange to me that he was entertaining this sort of content and sharing with me, given that in context (sorry again), it was ok but in isolation looked dodgy. I didn't think he was grooming the people or anything, just wondered about his judgement and why he was bringing me into it. I'm very surprised that he can't see that sending as he did would raise an eyebrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sattherelikealemon · 10/11/2021 07:47

The problem is that I didn't ask him why, I ruminate upon it, and kicked off.

OP posts:
Owlmeow · 10/11/2021 07:49

Seems odd to forward on a photo someone has sent that he knows is likely to illicit a reaction from someone they're dating. I would say its always right to follow your instincts, although he might not have done anything wrong from a work point of view (although can't imagine a scenario where its not weird), it evidently made you uncomfortable.

Owlmeow · 10/11/2021 07:51

@rwalker

The guy was never going to win tell you and look at the fallout not tell you and he's keeping something from you.

The situation sounds hard work.Problem is because He's a man and you are OP . MN will just agree will you irrelevant of rights and wrong with is hardly helpful

I mean if OP was saying I got sent a photo of a boy that I have power over at work and showed it to my partner who felt a bit uncomfortable, I don't think people would be rushing to say ah OP sounds completely normal not sure why he questioned it.
Spiceup · 10/11/2021 07:53

If he'd sent on the photo saying he was worried/surprised he'd received the pic, that would be completely different to sending it on to make fun of the women and make his GF feel insecure

Original poster
Sattherelikealemon · 10/11/2021 07:55

Actually, sorry, didn't include this but I did at the time express that I thought it odd but in a sarcastic way. I was quite taken aback and deal with difficult situations with humour sometimes. He just said 'Haha' and changed the subject. I suppose I felt that I'd expressed it didn't look good to me even if not in an entirely serious way, and given him the chance to explain any context (sorry for being vague but it would have been a pertinent response to what i said), and he hadn't said anything further. I think that led me to ruminate so hard.

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 10/11/2021 07:58

The issue isn’t so much that he was sent a possibly inappropriate photo - he has no control over what he’s sent - but the fact that he chose to send it to you, too. That’s odd. I wonder what his intention really was??

Original poster
Sattherelikealemon · 10/11/2021 08:03

Francesca that was my feeling, and the fact he'd done so merrily pointing out along the lines of 'this isn't very appropriate, lol'. Then when I agreed it wasnt (albeit sarcastically, my fault), he didn't explain it, just changed the subject and laughed.

I felt a bit like he was either cluelessly still entertaining conversations he shouldn't be at his age and position which didn't look good, or had sent it looking for a reaction from me, and changed the subject when I questioned it.

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 10/11/2021 08:05

He wanted to make you feel uncomfortable, perhaps telling you - look, this hot young babe is sending me photos…

He sounds really awful, not to mention immature.

zaffa · 10/11/2021 08:07

@Sattherelikealemon

Thanks all for the further responses and really sorry for not elaborating on the picture content or his job, I doubt he reads this or the Fail will pick this up, I just don't need the extra anxiety. Promise I'm not just being cryptic for the sake of it. As I say, I described it to a couple of my friends, all level headed and they expressed that it was an odd thing to receive.

So it's definitely more of a pastoral position than office manager. The picture, well, nothing revealing, not bikinis or sexy clubbing wear, just kind of an intimate setting and I think most people would question why he was receiving that from them, and passing it on.

He's definitely talked about having to be extremely careful in his dealings with the people he works with due to reputation etc which is kind of why I was surprised to see this, with his comment.

I didn't accuse him of being a predator, or even see him that way. It was just really strange to me that he was entertaining this sort of content and sharing with me, given that in context (sorry again), it was ok but in isolation looked dodgy. I didn't think he was grooming the people or anything, just wondered about his judgement and why he was bringing me into it. I'm very surprised that he can't see that sending as he did would raise an eyebrow.

Is he a teacher or in a similar role with college or Uni students? It's a bit hard to follow without the context but on the surface, if DH received a pic from a student that had even subtle subtext, he would report it as a safeguarding concern. If it was college / Uni students, I still think there could be safeguarding concerns to consider and it should be logged in formal channels (for his own protection as much as the student). I can't imagine a situation where he would forward the pic on to anyone else to make a joke.

So on the surface, I think you followed your instincts and that was the right thing to do

FionaMacCool · 10/11/2021 08:10

@Sattherelikealemon in your OP you said He's in a position of power/ responsibility over young adults. Some young women (very early 20s) sent him a photo for which my initial reaction was that it was inappropriate for him to be receiving given his position. He sent it to me with a joke about how it wasn't very appropriate in terms of their relationship.

I didn't read any more of your post to know that this guy isn't ok.

Whether you ruminate or not, react strongly or not, the problem isn't you.
Learning strong boundaries feels weird and uncomfortable.
The problem really really isn't you.

ravenmum · 10/11/2021 08:20

At the very least highly unprofessional of him to be showing anyone any pictures of the young people he works with. He is surely not even allowed to do that - even if it wasn't an "inappropriate" photo.

It's not at all surprising that it made you feel uncomfortable, even if you couldn't put your finger on the precise issue straight away and felt like it was a knee-jerk reaction.

You should be more concerned about the fact that you are questioning your instincts, and that you regret ending it with someone everyone tells you sounds incredibly dodgy.

girlmom21 · 10/11/2021 08:20

@Sattherelikealemon

The problem is that I didn't ask him why, I ruminate upon it, and kicked off.
You shouldn't have had to ask him why. He should have explained if he was showing it to you. He was testing your boundaries and seeing what he could get away with.

I'm guessing from your previous post that it was a picture of her in bed.

If you'd sent someone a picture of you in bed, albeit fully clothed, he wouldn't be ok with it.
Because it's inappropriate.

ravenmum · 10/11/2021 08:24

@girlmom21

The photo was sent to him in a work context so there is a law against this. Well , at least 2; UK GDPR, Data Protection Act

A photo of a person does not breach either of these. There's no data involved.

The "data" is the fact that this person is someone he works with. That may be private information.
Youknownothingsnow · 10/11/2021 08:26

He’s broken GDPR

Tal45 · 10/11/2021 08:28

Hmmm he seems to have forgotten that he sent it to you jokingly suggesting himself that it wasn't appropriate.
TBH the thing that flashes up as an huge issue is that he's sending you pictures of children he works with. I cannot imagine sending someone pictures of children I have worked with in any context, it just wouldn't be appropriate, even ones that weren't in anyway inappropriate.
I don't believe for a minute that he's run this past anyone, there's no way they'd be ok with him sharing pictures of children he works with, especially not 'slightly inappropriate' ones. It's got 'major safeguarding issue' written all over it.
Your instincts were absolutely spot on. Please, please, please always listen to them.

girlmom21 · 10/11/2021 08:32

@ravenmum I suppose - if she's a service user of some description and he works somewhere like Alcoholics Anonymous - but I'd assume that's more professional misconduct than a data breach as he hasn't given away any personal data. If he'd told OP her name, address and phone number it'd be a GDPR breach.

girlmom21 · 10/11/2021 08:34

@ravenmum I just had a Google and it looks like photos are really grey areas so I'll concede I may well be wrong Grin

slashlover · 10/11/2021 08:39

@Tal45

Hmmm he seems to have forgotten that he sent it to you jokingly suggesting himself that it wasn't appropriate. TBH the thing that flashes up as an huge issue is that he's sending you pictures of children he works with. I cannot imagine sending someone pictures of children I have worked with in any context, it just wouldn't be appropriate, even ones that weren't in anyway inappropriate. I don't believe for a minute that he's run this past anyone, there's no way they'd be ok with him sharing pictures of children he works with, especially not 'slightly inappropriate' ones. It's got 'major safeguarding issue' written all over it. Your instincts were absolutely spot on. Please, please, please always listen to them.
Some young women (very early 20s)

It's inappropriate but a 21 year old is not a child.

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/11/2021 08:39

He was fucking w your head. You are well rid.

dottiedodah · 10/11/2021 08:40

I agree with above posters .He was trying to see how you would react .I think it sounds dodgy to me.I doubt many managers would be very pleased about that or think it OK .Safeguarding issues would or should be at the forefront of his work . I think you could do better by miles

Original poster
Sattherelikealemon · 10/11/2021 08:40

tal45 thanks Hmmm he seems to have forgotten that he sent it to you jokingly suggesting himself that it wasn't appropriate this is kind of it. He sort of made this look worse than it was himself.

Although to clarify, they weren't children, definitely adults and not vulnerable as in service users. It was problematic to me because of his professional relationship to them and age gap.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 10/11/2021 08:41

@Sattherelikealemon should she have his phone number?

ravenmum · 10/11/2021 08:42

The viewer could recognise the girl, in which case they'd then know the girl was e.g. having trouble in school or had some sort of traumatic experience. That's the girl's personal data.

Even if he showed it to his boss, why would the boss "OK" it? What would that mean? Saying that it's OK for him to show photos of the children to randoms? Highly unlikely.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 10/11/2021 08:43

I'm appalled he'd send that onto someone else. He's in a position of authority and the very LAST thing he should be doing is sharing photos or texts that he's received from those he's supposed to be looking after.

I think you've had a lucky escape tbh